Can't stop mother bringing stuff and it's making me crazy

[Mumindenial]

My mother cannot visit us without bringing toys, clothes and/or food. My OD is 4 1/2 and my YD has just turned 2. She always has toys - substantial ones like Barbie dolls as well as cheap tat, fancy dresses or socks or underwear, and really random food like packs of croissants, biscuits, chocolate, fruit, even meat.

She has been doing this for years and I have tried every approach to ask her to stop, or at least ask me first. The worst thing is, she will show my girls whatever she has brought, then say "ask mummy if you can have this", therefore making me the bad guy if I say no, especially if it's sweets or a toy.

She even leaves things around the house for us to find, e.g. There was a random minion figure (really small, as if from a kinder egg) by the bed in the spare room. She regularly sneaks food into the fridge, which I find days after she's been and it either goes to waste, or forces me to waste other food I already had. One time she hung a very tacky plastic bath toy bag over the side of my bathtub. The other week she left a few of those food saver clips into my kitchen drawer (I have loads and loads already).

It is beyond frustrating and I have explained that it's unacceptable for a number of reasons, including: we don't have room for all the stuff she brings, the house is filling up with crap, DDs have got to a point where they expect something when people walk through the door, which I can't stand, it forces me to be the bad guy, it disrespects me as a parent as she's goes directly against my wishes. I feel that she does it to be liked, but it obviously pisses me off so I don't understand why she does it.

She comes to visit every week, so it's a real problem.

AIBU? Should I just shut up and accept, or am I right to stand my ground and continue to object? I am absolutely incapable of keeping a poker face or lying, even if it's to be nice. So the former would be a challenge...

Maybe try getting money boxes and opening bank accounts for your kids and telling your mum that you would prefer that if she has to give them anything that you prefer to foster good saving habits so could she deposit the money in to the bank or give a couple of dollar to the kids to put in a money box. Explain to her that in the long run the kids will benefit a lot more and she would have helped buy them their first car etc.

It could be worse - It could be your Mother-in-Law doing this.
Do you hate everything that she brings around or just some of it? If she is doing it because it makes her feel good, perhaps you can enthusiastically ask that she brings X but not Y or Z (and then give reasons). Being able to bring one type of thing (e.g. just food) may satisfy her urge to 'help' and not annoy you so much?

She means well don't be such an ungrateful tit.

She may be going without in order to spend money on your children.

Have you considered that?

my mother is like this, hoarding, controlling, forcing tons of crap on you - it started out saving me the BOGOF offers, escalated to the point where you couldn't open the doors in her bedrooms they were stashed full of random pound shop crap, in the end i think she preferred to hoard it rather than actually give it to us, so clothes/toys bought for DC were hung onto.

In my mothers case she does have very severe mental health problems so i don't know how it all ties in.

If you've tried everything sensitively, then I would recommend the below
Take everything to the charity shop or food bank. Then if she asks where it is tell her, where its gone and why. That is unwanted but you didn't want to waste it.
If she does the 'ask mummy if you can have this trick' say 'of course they can, we can put it in the cupboard and save for christmas/birthday, as we don't want spoilt children' Then also take this to the charity shop. I'd tell her you are doing it. The children will forget the majority of the stuff... so you just need to save a few bits

When you open the door to her, take the bags and put them straight back in her car and tell her you've asked her not to bring stuff. The kids want her, not her stuff. I like the poster who said ask if she wants the kids looking at her face or her hands-fabulous!

Tell her you find it disrespectful that she has ignored your requests, it's rude and undermining.

All the crap stuff DM used to being just disappears into the charity shop/tip ether. She's stopped and now gets us vouchers, notably last birthday-Asda giftcard cos to quote 'At least you'll use it'.

When you open the door to her, take the bags and put them straight back in her car and tell her you've asked her not to bring stuff.

Charming!

They sound like sad people with empty lives.

Who wants to spend their life shopping for crap ?

My mum does this.
We just put up with it now. We give to charity. I gave up telling her she didn't listen.

My mother does this. There is no known cure as far as I know. My advice would be to tell the kids it's a grandma thing and stop fighting with her over it. She loves you. She loves the kids. It's annoying but it doesn't matter that much once the kids understand it's a grandma thing only.

Honestly. Take it from me, it's not worth fighting about.

What i do is make a huge fuss 'WOW! A new toy for Grannys house' and make sure to slip it back in her handbag/car/on a visit to hers.

My mum is like this. It took years & me getting angry in the end to improve it. She still brings loads of food now, but has reduced the presents to 1 per child. We only see her 3x a year though. The annoying thing is that she complains of the cost of having so many GC, well stop buying them so much! I hate how they just expect a gift from her now. Mil isn't like this. Whenever we see her, she comes with a prepared activity to do with the dcs, which is much nicer.

Mine always brings me household stuff I don't want too, who sort of feels like a criticism. She'll often say things like: you need better tea towels, here you are. Annoys me to no end.

This weekend my 5yo just wanted to know what was in granny's surprise bag. She is never normally like this but is becoming conditioned to receiving 'stuff' every time and it's not how I want my children to be. I cannot make my mother stop though. Her house is the same, piles of useless stuff and endless guilt trips about the summer house they built for the children to play in but we hardly ever visit etc. Tbh I might consider visiting more often if we didn't have to go through this performance every time.

I just wish they would put the hundreds of pounds they spend on crap into a fund for the children. The constant waste of money makes me feel sick. I am pretty certain it is a mental health issue as nothing stops it.

Am really glad I'm not alone here. I am very conscious of seeming ungrateful, but the truth is I do not want my children growing up spoilt and expecting. There have been occasions when DD1 has asked "what have you got for me?" Before she's even through the door.

There are so many issues here. The small toys are a choking hazard, and if they're being left randomly around the house, I don't know they're there and it's dangerous. I have told her they are unsuitable for DD2 but it hasn't stopped her. I don't understand. Why would she risk harming her granddaughter?

Food wastage is a real issue. I hate wasting but inliterally cannot get through all the food I buy and she brings. Plus, often we don't even really like what she brings.

I've asked her to take some stuff back and she has, but it's a 2 hour round trip on various forms of public transport and I feel bad for making her carry stuff - she's in her late 60s.

She has brought several sets of the same toy (a craft thing) and once done, there's no where to put them and I can't take to charity as they've been used.

Am so conflicted here. Feeling really awful about seeming ungrateful but really feel that my wishes as a mum and homekeeper are being completely disregarded.

DD1 now understands and says grab shouldn't bring us so many toys because we already have so much but obviously still wants everything she brings.

I dread her visits because of this issue, but DDs love her visits (for her, not the gifts) and I could never ask her to stop coming.

We had this but as MIL lived a long way away was not so difficult to deal with as she only visited 2 or 3 times a year. I don't think I could of actually asked her to stop, I did manage to get her to stop bringing food ( apart from chocs and sweets for the kids ). Tbh it gave her a lot of pleasure, and I was able to explain that to the kids and to point out many times not to expect other visitors to bring them so much tat / many presents. As kids get older they will see that gran means presents but other visitors don't do the same. MIL was living on her own and I think she bought something for the kids most weeks, to prevent her would have seemed cruel.

Meant to add it was the clothes I really had a problem with! Loads of princessy stuff and superhero stuff, but I gritted my teeth and let them wear it, often sent them off to nursery in it ( soon wore out! ) and took photos of them in it for MIL to see. And it did not turn my DD, who is a resolute tomboy, into a princess loving kid!

My DM is like this too. She is also a hoarder and a feeder, I understand that buying and giving is her way of showing love, but unfortunately it is her only way. I was completely neglected as a child, smelly, dirty and abused, living in a house filled to the rafters with cheap plastic toys and rotting half eaten food

Having filled her own home she now tries to fill mine. She does not come often but when she does she brings 20 fresh cream cakes and a sack of knocked off stuff from a dodgy market. Christmas and birthdays she fills the car with toys completely inappropriate for DD's age.

The only way I have found to deal with it is to ask for particular items. So like a PP I will ask for fruit so she doesn't bring cakes, or say I've run out of milk can she bring some? DM gets a bit huffy because it isn't a surprise, but it satisfies her need to turn up with something and I feel better because it won't get binned. Also works with stuff for DD, so for example I say she has run out of pens or stickers, or needs a pack of pants or something.

PP who say oh you should be grateful really have no idea what it is like.

My MIL doesn't visit, the only time my kids see her is when we visit her, every time she gives them bags of cheap tat, sweets, crisps and juice. The toys end up broken and lying all over the house, the majority of the sweets etc end up in the bin because there no way my kids could or should eat the sheer amount she gives them. I have talked with my DH about it on numerous occasions and asked him to tell her to stop it. I think with her it's a guilt thing but the kids have come to expect it when they go which is not a good thing! My mum and dad don't do this and spend a lot more quality time with the kids despite living abroad! However my mum gets overly involved in the parenting side which does cause ructions sometimes. I don't think any of it will ever change despite my objections. It's extremely frustrating!

Another one with parents who have to turn up with mountains of stuff, it's not about what the dcs might want, it's quantity above all else. There is an element with my mum of wanting to be the favourite grandmother and she's happy to "buy" that.

It got better after the Christmas my dad saw that the then 3 year old dc1 was getting bored of opening the mountain of gifts, and that I had to ask to stop buying on the run up to Christmas to keep it special.

However, they've moved to their overseas holiday home and the mountain of gifts thing has restarted when we see them. At Christmas dad asked if they could send stuff directly from Amazon to save having to bring it over, which was fine and I held back about half the gifts so they were only giving the dcs 3 gifts each, then they decided to take the car to come back and filled the boot with "little extra things", were v annoyed I wouldn't hand it all over to the dcs but transferred it to my boot and then exited it to the charity shops in January.

What's weird is that she unleashed the crap gifts this weekend but sent us away with just a card for DS's first birthday, which is fine of course, he doesn't need anything, but it seems odd to prefer tat to meaningful gifts.

I'd almost prefer it if the presents were cheap but this visit's soft toys had the price left on and were £15 each. It's adding up to serious cash being wasted. I know it's hers to do as she pleases but I'd prefer it spent on something useful.

Her other favourite thing to do (I'm on a roll) is to give money directly to them (age 5&3) and tell them it's to buy a toy or ice cream, meaning I can't save it for them. Of course I keep the change for them but it's like she's encouraging them to waste money too. Eugh... I'm going to stop thinking about it now as it winds me up for a week or more before and after each visit.

My mum does this. When I tell her not to, she just brings more. Toys from the £1 shop, biscuits, cakes, etc etc. Ive tried pulling her up on it, but unfortunately, my DCs have picked up on it. My youngest has started saying 'I dont want grandma to come because she gives me too much sweets'. Now he is never one to turn down sweets, he has a terrible sweet tooth, but he has obviously picked up that I get annoyed about it so he's trying to get into my good books, but I didnt want to ruin the relationship between them so i just let her pile the crap in and give a lot of it to the charity shop afterwards. I don't know what to do about the food. I still have to put my foot down on the more expensive toys because i dont want them to be completely spoilt expecting presents every time for no reason. We don't have the space and they don't appreciate it if its just an endless stream of stuff. Last time she was round, she asked what they wanted and they named some really expensive lego set that I said they could have for Christmas(!). I had to say no. So that made me the bad guy on that one. I have no solutions!

My mum had this problem with her mother (my nan). Every time we saw her - a couple of times a week - we'd return laden with crap bought from pound shops and car boot sales.

I only remember my mum snapping on two occasions - once when I was given a carrier bag full of second hand knickers and when my brother, who was into trains at the time, was given a full 30 litre box of broken toy trains. God knows where she had found them. I remember my mum crying on the car journey home.

I've spoken to my mum about it recently and she says that she feels like she went a good 10 years without ever being able to choose stuff for her own kids. I think that's sad. She also found it hard to keep her home as she would like it because there was a constant stream of crap coming in. They would even leave stuff on our doorstep.

My nan loved us all dearly and her and my mum were very close, but I know this was an issue that affected their relationship.

How about suggesting she gives them a small coin instead? My grandparents would give me and Dsis all their shiny copper coins each time we visited. We'd build them up in our money boxes and then get one nice toy / book once we'd saved enough. A really lovely idea I think :)