Can't stop mother bringing stuff and it's making me crazy

[Mumindenial]

My mother cannot visit us without bringing toys, clothes and/or food. My OD is 4 1/2 and my YD has just turned 2. She always has toys - substantial ones like Barbie dolls as well as cheap tat, fancy dresses or socks or underwear, and really random food like packs of croissants, biscuits, chocolate, fruit, even meat.

She has been doing this for years and I have tried every approach to ask her to stop, or at least ask me first. The worst thing is, she will show my girls whatever she has brought, then say "ask mummy if you can have this", therefore making me the bad guy if I say no, especially if it's sweets or a toy.

She even leaves things around the house for us to find, e.g. There was a random minion figure (really small, as if from a kinder egg) by the bed in the spare room. She regularly sneaks food into the fridge, which I find days after she's been and it either goes to waste, or forces me to waste other food I already had. One time she hung a very tacky plastic bath toy bag over the side of my bathtub. The other week she left a few of those food saver clips into my kitchen drawer (I have loads and loads already).

It is beyond frustrating and I have explained that it's unacceptable for a number of reasons, including: we don't have room for all the stuff she brings, the house is filling up with crap, DDs have got to a point where they expect something when people walk through the door, which I can't stand, it forces me to be the bad guy, it disrespects me as a parent as she's goes directly against my wishes. I feel that she does it to be liked, but it obviously pisses me off so I don't understand why she does it.

She comes to visit every week, so it's a real problem.

AIBU? Should I just shut up and accept, or am I right to stand my ground and continue to object? I am absolutely incapable of keeping a poker face or lying, even if it's to be nice. So the former would be a challenge...

My mil used to do this when my kids were small - but sometimes (e.g. with a really huge teddy bear) she'd bring a gift then say 'oh, it's not for you, it's for another little boy', to see them look disappointed, before she gave it to them...it's hard to understand how their minds work isn't it sometimes ;-)?

It's interesting that so many DMs and MILs behave this way. I have a theory as to why it might be.

Many of us grandparents are far better off financially than we were in our youth, when our DCs were young. I think often the sort of behaviour being described here, of compulsive giving, might spring from a sense of regret that as a mother she wasn't able to buy the toys, food etc that she would like to have done, so she makes up for it by 'providing' for her grandchildren instead or by 'helping' her adult children by giving stuff.

take it back to hers when you go there and leave it there with a 'we dont need this so I'm leaving it with you' explanation?

I have nothing useful to say but the immature side of me would love to visit her back and leave random crap in her house. Huge Kale in the fridge, 5 cans of white asparagus in the cupboard, half used tester face oil in the bathroom...

80smum - I think you are right.
When I was young my mum always struggled to feed and clothe us decently and now she has more money she is always dropping in little things for me and the kids, things that would have been regarded as a luxury back in the day. I get prepared salad, cleaning products and the kids get character tshirts and the like.

Mil is the same, sadly, drives me insane. We keep a box upstairs permanently and it gets stuff put in straight away and taken to charity shop as soon as its full. Christmas and birthdays are terrible but we are all so used to it now we can barely keep a straight face when we open presents Sally - you've reminded me she used to do a really weird thing on the kids birthdays, she would come in, and take their - presents into our study and then carry on like it wasn't their birthday, until me or she got pissed off and said so are you going to give dd/Ds their presents then no idea what that was about!

My parents are like this, my ds will say to them 'grandma and grandad. You don't need to buy us so many things, it's very kind but it's you we want to see! We don't need presents.

My husband suggested that as both children were keen to earn pocket money that they could offer pocket money instead. They like to help my parents so will happily weed my parents garden, or help them in other ways.
My dc are now proud to have a decent amount of savings. If they want to spend it on anything my dh and i use our money if possible. We hope that one day their savings might help them in the future

Didn't know whether to laugh or cry reading this - this is exactly my parents!

They buy less toys now because I insist that they keep 90% of it at their house for the DC to play with (seriously it used to get bagged up and sent back with them, the early days were tough and you'll have to be the 'bad guy'), funnily enough they don't want crap/clutter either, so maybe worth a try OP.

80sMum you're bang on. We had a impoverished childhood (I remember eating tissue when I went to bed as I was still hungry and tissue seemed to make me feel full) my parents loved us but were also time poor so when money did crop up it would be toys/sweets, when I really wanted to snuggle and read a book with them/watch tv.

I hate being ungrateful but this excessive buying and buying makes me feel like they're having to 'buy' the DC happiness and in turn the DC have become quite complacent about toys/gifts. Also I'm mindful about waste so this doesn't help either!

Ask her to put the money into a savings account for the kids when they are teenagers instead of wasting it.

Perhaps this could be your mum's way of showing love. Older people can get very set in their ways and even if you are saying you don't like something struggle to know how to show their love any other way. Think you need to chill out about it, make sure your children know that if they accept presents they have to get rid of something else and do a few trips to the charity shop. There are much worse things that she could be doing!

I think I'd rather have the o.p's problem rather than a mother like mine who spends literally thousands of pounds on herself buying clothes and shoes that she never even wears or tat for the house that just gets thrown away or put in the loft to make room for more tat, but then pleads poverty and resents spending money on anybody or anything else, never spends more than a fiver on xmas or bday presents on the rare occasions that she does actually buy them.

Oh! My MIL does this too. And it makes me bonkers. I thought I was just ungrateful and rude because she's trying to be lovely.

But she turns up on the train (she visits at least once a month) with piles of gifts for the DCs and basically a full shop of food (a chicken, always a chicken, even when she comes over for Sunday roast). And little tacky home decorations for me.

I decided this year to give up doing the DCs stockings for Xmas (they're only 1 and 3) cbecause they don't need 2 sacks full of little gifts. It made me sad but I don't know how to articulate that without sounding like a precious twat.

DMil does this, I wish it was my mum then I could just tell her to cut it the fuck out. But must be diplomatic, so I have turned in to my grandmother, she shows up with a bloody roast (that is about to expire) and I launch in to profuse thanks followed by "oh dear, and I've just done the shopping too, no way this is going to fit in the fridge, I'll have to cook it tonight, oh but I've already thawed that chicken for tonight and I'll really have to use that, oh but it is such a nice piece of roast, I couldn't possibly let it go to waste, we're really going to have to look in to another fridge/freezer..." and so on until her entire visit has been consumed by the considerable distress her kind gift has caused me. Used to drive my mother nuts and seems to be working on the Mil, love my grandma, fairly sure she did it to mum on purpose too.

Works with toys too "oh how lovely, where do you think we can possibly keep it, you dont think there is a chance of dog/cat/child choking do you, oh no I'm sure it will be fine, well DC looks like we are going to have to have a toy clear out to make space for all these, would hate for anything to go to waste, oh 'made in China' I hope it's not full of those nasty chemicals, no I'm sure it will be fine, might just have to be sure and wash it thoroughly, you don't think the hot water will damage it do you...".

Of course "Are you fucking kidding me?" also works. Start boxing it all up and returning it to her house.

Tell DM that all gifts for the kids will be saved up and given just at Christmas and birthdays? Chocolate saved and given on saturdays? Then she can see the stash growing herself in a cupboard in your house. All gifts- straight in the gift cupboard. May give her a better idea of the volume.

Both my parents do this. They are unbelievable hoarders and their own house is full of shite too. They arrive with plastic bags of pound shop crap, and often just before dinner time with loads of kinder eggs and icepops, if we visit them the keep giving the kids crap to eat before we leave.
Its like talking to the wall, they wont stop.

The only thing I can suggest is I you find something, put it into a bag and drop it back over to her house. Just say " oh we can use it/play with it when we visit you" just keep doing it. Keep taking the stuff back to her house and leave it there. It wont stop her buying it but at least its not accumulating at your house.

Good luck!!!

Speaking from the POV of a mum of two young children who on one side don't have a grandmother as she passed away before they were born, and on the other side their grandma lives too far away and is too ill to just pop in with toys believe me I'd prefer to have OP's problem.
I get where you are coming from with those stupid kinder egg toys they are so dangerous and they shouldn't even be legal in my opinion, but as for everything else accepting things with a smile and a thanks even if you have to bin the food when she leaves, and the toys over time is hardly even an issue?

My mil comes every 2nd week with 18 toilet rolls, 12 kitchen rolls, huge box of washing powder and 6 packets of bacon!! Without fail.
Then usually something for the dc.
Haven't bought toilet roll for years

Yes it is an issue.

Op I've been there too. I've managed over the years to somehow divert it but we now get bulk buys of toilet roll, which is at least useful. I remember them going toblackpool for a weekend years ago and turning up on the way home with three black bags of crap - one each for me, dh and dd1, dd2 wasn't around - and a giant butchers block on wheels. At the time we lived in a tiny flat and were on our uppers, I could have cried at the thought of where to put it all and what else I could have done if they'd just handed me a tenner.

But it wasn't about us it was about them.

Another example - I asked them to stop buying the kids so many sweets and got an earful from my mum about taking away her pleasure. I had grown balls by now and told her I thought she would have had more pleasure fro seeing them grow up healthy with good teeth. There's been a lot of upset along the way...I've had to be the bad guy a lot but I decided my jobwas to protect my children, and if I had to upset my mother on the way unfortunately that had to happen.

could you set up an Amazon wish list? Set up a shopping card that she could top up if feeling flush? I'd be giving hints about what the kids need...so she pays for what you would be buying anyway...and maybe say sweets and a comic )age dependent) one day a week.

Absolutely Pearlman, me and our kids never got the chance to even meet his mother, she died before I met him. He talks about her all the time and I'd give anything to have her walk through the door with bags of sweets and toys and whatnot. My own mum lives in another country and is so ill and hasn't been well for years. I'd happily put up with a hoarding grandma, I'd bag the stuff up and drive around town throwing the crap into charity shops every few days if it meant that my kids got to see their grandma.

Thatwould - your post made me cry. no-one should go through that. I hope you are happy and fed and loved now x

I have a gd and sometimes wonder if lm a bit mean. I buy birthday presents Christmas and maybe some little things when going on holidays. I feel better reading this. That would drive me insane. Could your dc have money boxes in an obvious place. The ones with names on and could you make a big thing about them saving for holidays and suggest all toys etc are off the agenda as they are learning to save. My GPS always gave us a small amount of money weekly when they called. I'm a GP now and l still get a warm feeling when l think of it. Saying all that my inlaws never gave my dc one thing growing up. No money no presents no sweets. Never bothered me but my dc talk about it now and didn't like it. They have very fond memories of getting little things and some money from.my parents.They don't appreciate in the same way that they left money in their will that has helped them go through college.