Can't stop mother bringing stuff and it's making me crazy

[Mumindenial]

My mother cannot visit us without bringing toys, clothes and/or food. My OD is 4 1/2 and my YD has just turned 2. She always has toys - substantial ones like Barbie dolls as well as cheap tat, fancy dresses or socks or underwear, and really random food like packs of croissants, biscuits, chocolate, fruit, even meat.

She has been doing this for years and I have tried every approach to ask her to stop, or at least ask me first. The worst thing is, she will show my girls whatever she has brought, then say "ask mummy if you can have this", therefore making me the bad guy if I say no, especially if it's sweets or a toy.

She even leaves things around the house for us to find, e.g. There was a random minion figure (really small, as if from a kinder egg) by the bed in the spare room. She regularly sneaks food into the fridge, which I find days after she's been and it either goes to waste, or forces me to waste other food I already had. One time she hung a very tacky plastic bath toy bag over the side of my bathtub. The other week she left a few of those food saver clips into my kitchen drawer (I have loads and loads already).

It is beyond frustrating and I have explained that it's unacceptable for a number of reasons, including: we don't have room for all the stuff she brings, the house is filling up with crap, DDs have got to a point where they expect something when people walk through the door, which I can't stand, it forces me to be the bad guy, it disrespects me as a parent as she's goes directly against my wishes. I feel that she does it to be liked, but it obviously pisses me off so I don't understand why she does it.

She comes to visit every week, so it's a real problem.

AIBU? Should I just shut up and accept, or am I right to stand my ground and continue to object? I am absolutely incapable of keeping a poker face or lying, even if it's to be nice. So the former would be a challenge...

Skimmed thread.
OP - Charity Shop. Make it a monthly routine; go round when DD isn't looking, gather stuff up which doesn't get touched or played with and take it to charity. Or chuck it. It's the easiest solution long term. IF DM notices that stuff is missing be honest about it. Maybe the penny will drop?

I get bags and bags of hand me down stuff from nieces and nephews on DHs side. It's stuff which has made it's way to MIL's house, mainly from one SIL in particular, who dumps loads of stuff at at hers, and then because MIL's got fed up with falling over it all she brings it all to me! Arrggghh.

It's all ceremoniously revealed to DD as new stuff to play with when they arrive so it's hard to whisk it all straight to charity, but that's where it ends up withing a couple of weeks. It started out as maternity stuff, moved on to baby equipment, now it's noisy toys and worn out clothes - it's never going to end i've realised. It's getting embarrassing now how many times i turn up at the charity shop with stuff tbh. They must wonder where the hell it's all coming from!

Out of interest, how old are these gift-givers? My XMiL is a bit like this as was my DGM, but they are both very elderly and lived through the war, which explains some of the behaviour I think. If they are younger than that, I don't understand it at all. I'm in my 50s and wouldn't do it. I did take DS1 a cake last week, but he had asked for it .

I have to say the leaving of random items around your house is odd.

Does she have compulsive shopping/hoarding issues?

OMG my mother is the same, 68 years old and still working 12 hour shifts busting her Arse yet constantly wasting her money buying crap for me or my kids, my sisters and their kids

We have spent years telling her to stop it , it falls on deaf ears. We just wish she would keep her money for herself but it's like talking to a brick wall.

Id come home to find her at my door with £80 of M&S food that we wouldn't even use and most would end up in the bin, it's got a little better since we moved as she can't come as much but now stuff arrives in post from Amazon for my son who has way too Much as it is

It's seems it's a pointless battle nothing we have said or done makes a difference

My DM always arrives with "a bag of bits and bobs". There is always kitchen roll in it, sweets for the children, books she thinks I might like and lots of other random stuff, ranging from a half empty bottle of balsamic vinegar to weight loss tablets. I just laugh now, I have a box permanently by the door that gets filled for the charity shop, job done.

What does annoy me is when the family present me with a VCR/DVD player and inform me that it is broken, so the children can play with it I must have filled a skip worth of broken electrical items!

DM does this and it's definitely her way of showing love. She did it to me as a kid so I'm just glad DD has me to stand between her and DM's love! It got to the point where she was bringing adult sized portions of cake and chocolate 5 days a week and handing them directly to DD (2). DD goes directly for DM's bag when she arrives.

I've told DM that if it didn't grow on a plant, whatever she's bought isn't to come out of her bag. It works to an extent. She knows I won't get annoyed about fruit. Every couple of weeks she starts to veer off course again and I have to reiterate my point.

Sounds like my MIL, except it was stuff she gave us to take home, including foodstuff that was sometimes years out of date, she got VERY offended and angry if you didnt want it. SIL said she doesnt know how to showl ove, so gives your stuff or money instead, I felt like she was trying to buy me, and didnt like it at all. I felt she kept a ledger somewhere because some years down the line she would suddenly say where is that picture,ornament etc. I gave you? It was expected to be on show, although it wouldnt be our taste or go with our house.She would tell us where would be the suitable place to put whatever it was.

My DS has one DD, he has asked me not to bring her 'bits & pieces' too often, because other family members do it all the time, and she's almost at the point where she's got her hand out every time one of us walks through the door.
I know how he feels, I went through it when he was little, so I've completely respected his wishes, but other family members didn't seem to get it....so he's now actually insisted on a quota of no more than one , very small, present per fortnight!
Maybe you could try this, explain that your DC want to see their Granny because they love her and value the time she spends playing with them. Tell her that any gifts she brings them have to be routed through you and no more than once per (whatever you think).
I'd also tell her that, you don't need her to bring you household stuff, but if she wants to express her love for you, and her joy of being part of your family.......well there's a pile of the kids ironing in the corner!

I also have an extremely generous father and Mil, but I have been able to (mostly) direct what is bought - in the general sense. however, it does mean I don't usually have to buy any clothes at all for DD, since my dad loves shopping for her,and for a while we had multiple toy boxes that had to go on rotation due to the toy inundation. books are supplied by Mil who loves to scour charity shops for good ones.

It feels silly often (and if it was constant like for you I'd be very cross), but maybe you can direct her towards something to be 'her thing' (whether books, clothes, new shoes)?

I feel your pain op. I posted yesterday about pil who buy dc useless crap (they buy ds1 t-shirts every time they visit he had 35 and the other day they turned up with 10 more) it always has sales stickers on. They hand over all this tat and themln ask to borrow money because they can't pay rent. They will buy anything (as long as its on sale) they bought ds1 a dog you,we don't have a dog and pink princess pants they buy dh kitchen crap, he's a self employed chef he already has all the gadgets he wants/needs. We've begged them to stop but they don't listen! I wish I had some advice!

The charity shop is your friend here.

My mum does this.

It's a nightmare. I have managed to curb it, by doing two things.

Firstly telling her 'no we don't have room or use for that. You need to take it back' and ignoring any 'sad face'. It worked for a while, but then she started buying stuff for the kids, which made it harder to say no to.

So I started giving her loads of shit back.

So toys kids don't play with get boxed up and when she turns up with something I put the boxes in her car. I tell her 'we don't have room for new stuff if we keep the old, you bought it all so you can get rid'

She sends dad with stuff on occasion, when she knows it will annoy me. She works for a clothes company and so gets kids clothes really cheap. But if I know she has bought some and sent them round, I hand over bags of clothes the kids don't wear anymore.

Nothing comes in unless something goes out.

Both these things have really helped and she always asks now.

Oh my mum is lovely though. She has her moments but on the whole she is a lovely person. I wouldn't say everyone who does this has bad intentions.

My DF does this. But I do know why. His Mum was one to pick favourites and it was always his brother not him who was the favourite. He is therefore trying to ensure that my DDs don't feel that he loves them less than my sister's kids. Or that he loves one of them more than the other. And to do this he needs to spend the same amount of money on each of them. It's not logical or concious. But it is the way he feels.

The problem is that my DSis lives in the same village as my parents and we live a couple of hours away. Therefore what they get over a month, he needs to give to my DDs in a weekend. Both DM and I have tried to persuade him that it's not necessary. But he's not having it. Some times I manage to filter it into less physical stuff. In Jan for example I persuaded him to take them to the panto rather than having more new stuff straight after Christmas and Birthday season. But other than that I think we just need to live with it. And I'm trying to persuade him that a savings account would be a better place for some of the money - we don't need any more lego...

Most importantly I don't want my DDs only looking forward to Grandad visiting because it means they'll get a present. I want them to love him for himself and not for material gain.

Talk to her. Tell her you know she wants to be involved but the constant gifts mess with your head and disrupt your plans. Give her one thing she can take responsibility for and feel involved - does she want to subscribe to a magazine for your children? Or buy 'playing out' clothes? Or nightclothes? Harness her willingness and spending power and guide her into usefulness. Tell her not to hide things in the house, though, because you need to know what's there.

Bag it all up and take it round to her. She might get the point when she sees it all at once.

My grandparents never visited but my grandmother hoarded stuff to give us, when she died there was still remnants of the chocolate bars she'd bought because they were going out of date two years previously, and we'd had at various visits since then. Very well meaning, but difficult. Within my mums family you'd never turn up empty handed. They visited once, perhaps five years after we'd moved to this particular noise. I opened the door. Sshh! They said, and pulled out a rug (perhaps 6'x 8' - not a tiny thing) and went straight into the house they had never visited before to put it down as a 'surprise' for my parents. Well, this house had wood floors throughout the ground floor, a large rug in the living room, and funnily enough no spare space for a large rug. They were so disappointed 'ooh.. You've got one already'. Ended up picking up the substantial dining room table and chairs to get it in somewhere...

My mum always turns up with books for DS... She's heard the 'no more clotges' thing and knows I love books. And they're not space destroyers. But I'm starting to work out how to have the conversation 'instead of the 10 for £10 you get from the book people, please can you just choose a book you think he'll like?' as 10 books at a time rapidly eats up storage...

Mine is the very same and I don't even have children. It is just her way of showing love, I guess. She is not one to show much emotion but pours her love out in the form of material generosity ... it is just her way and I try to be gracious and sound grateful.

But FFS, it is irritating. The thing that bothers me more is that I am better off than she is and can afford to buy what I want. Every single time she comes round it is armed with bagfuls of shit that I don't need and will never use - tights, for example: she buys multipacks of black 15 denier tights and brings several of these at a time (I wear tights about three times a year and always black opaques), pairs and pairs and pairs of little colourful ankle socks that I never wear, bags and bags full of random cheap toiletries from the pound shop, piles of overly sugary cakes and biscuits that we would never buy ourselves and don't eat. Whenever she leaves DH and I are faced with a worktop covered in shit that goes straight to the charity shop or the foodbank.

She is not badly off herself and can afford it but it is just such a fucking waste of money and I would so much rather she spent it on herself and bought something lovely she really liked for her own house rather than indulging in all this pointless consumerism of buying cheap shit that no one needs. Sigh ... what can you do, though? It's just her way.

I'm in the middle here. One relative gives step daughter bags of old toys clothes etc and I can see it is not always particularly needed or welcome. On the other hand I try to give things which helps the tight budget and which I would have appreciated someone giving to me when my children were young and I had no money. Just things to help out like buy one get one free washing stuff, household cleaning stuff, packets of meat for the freezer , make up products I know she uses etc.
However reading this thread has made me wonder if I am doing the wrong thing. They always seem grateful though, but not sure if they would say if they weren't if you see what I mean.
I would never let the grandchildren see what I was giving mum though before asking if it was ok so maybe I am not so bad!

I've skimmed the thread. My nana in law is like this. Constantly brings round tat for niece and nephew and has started with us now. Niece always expects us to have a gift whenever we see her (usually twice a month) because she's been told by nana that when we visit its a special occasion and we can have a party (a rainy saturday in may does not constitute a party). I get the same line from dp every timr i moan. 'She means well, she doesn't think she has long left so she's getting all her presents in now' it isn't meant maliciously at least in our case but it is bloody annoying that i have toys suitable for a 3yo and my first baby isn't even here yet.

No advice that hasn't already been given I'm afraid!

I agree with 80smum to a certain extent. My MIL does this and my dad used to and I think that's what drove it originally. Gifts can definitely be used in a passive aggressive way by covertly disregarding boundaries though.

My dad would have collected a massive bag of stuff for the DCs when we visit (he never visited us). He clearly loved doing it - a mix of new and nice eBay stuff. It was far too much and it was almost always age inappropriate (clothes at least 1 year too big/working helicopters labelled 14+ for a 2 year old/full technical drawing kit for a 4 year old) - so it was a little frustrating. I was touched by the sentiment though.

MIL brings something round every time she visits - usually cheap cakes and toys. However, she used to also bring round SIL's children's cast offs (unwashed clothes/filthy and broken toys and baby equipment included) and everything that once belong to DH as a child (seems that she never threw anything away - stored in open boxes in the loft for 30-35 years) and she came across it in the loft. I will admit that I was pretty insulted by the dirty/broken/damaged offering, especially as we were knackered working parents with more than enough 'stuff' and she was a fit and healthy early mid sixties who hadn't worked for the last 40 years...

The timeline with that was that I received it gratefully, then ungratefully, then said we really didn't need it (but took on disposing of it when she said I didn't have to keep it - including cleaning items and taking them to the charity shop) and finally refusing completely and insisting they went back home with her.

I haven't stopped the cakes/sweets etc - any attempt to curb that is met with a doubling of efforts and then asking me in front of the children if they are allowed to keep them. Unsurprisingly, there have been other issues with PIL (way before I came on the scene too) so we don't see them much now so not really an issue anymore.

As an aside, I lost my mother when I was very young - and I think I will always feel that loss, missing her at so many moments in my life. I've NEVER wished that she would be popping round with a load of clutter and stuff we don't want though - she definitely wouldn't have been that kind of mum in my perfect fantasy of her.

She means well.

Whenever you visit her house take some of things she's brought you back. Clips/food etc saying you didn't need them, wont be able to use before they go out of date etc and you thought she'd be able to use them.

Visit her more often than her coming to yours and you should be able to offload the crap back.

Take excess toys to charity shop or (if possible) keep original box and give as presents at birthday parties your dc are invited to.

Oh storynanny it sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing! Everything you buy sounds really thoughtful and useful, especially when you're helping out people on a tight budget.

My last "gift" was a giant bottle of aloe vera that cost £1.99 from some random poundshop. It could keep a family of 10 in aloe vera for the next year. I literally have no idea what to do with it.

Can you thank her but ask her to take the toys back to hers for the children to play with when you go to hers for a visit?

My mother is exactly like this all year round but particularly over the top at Christmas. I have told her for years that we don't need it and I have finally given up because it made no difference anyway.

If I call at hers I cannot leave without at least two bags of various stuff for me/the house/the dc. If she calls at mine, she makes several trips to the boot of her car to collect various bags.

I feel it gives her pleasure to give to people and in her case she grew up in poverty and had very little as a child so she thinks children should be cherished and fussed over.

Whatever I say or do is ignored and if I really wanted to put a stop to it I would have to be extremely assertive about it over and over and I would hurt her feelings.

I just accept the bags of stuff these days and then sort it/eat it/chuck it accordingly.