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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL is in a mood about DD's christening

111 replies

HowVeryOdd · 02/06/2016 22:20

I don't want to drop feed so will try to be succinct. DH and I are christening our baby in the summer. My two female cousins and my brother are godparents. MIL is annoyed that no one from 'her side' is acting as Godparent. We are extremely close to my family, DH is good mates with my brother and cousins and we see them very regularly and they dote on our little girl (6 months). My family are extremely hands on, we help each other out, are very informal and we have a lot of fun together. By comparison, DH's family are very (I hate to use the word uptight, but they are). Pils makes very little effort. If we didn't phone them, we'd never hear from them. Met them today to tell them the plans and she was very when we told her about the plans for godparents and asked who we'd be having from her side. DH's only brother isn't christened so that rules them out and we see his extended family once a year or at special occasions like weddings. She was very funny about us not asking DH brother but the reality is that he has only seen her once (DH family live an hour away), he never contacts his brother and isn't that bothered and they're not close. AIBU to think that she shouldn't view this as a massive snub? She didn't even christen her own children.

OP posts:

BoGrainger · 03/06/2016 08:06

Weird that the parents don't have to be christened. Maybe if this was mandatory then there would be less christenings and more naming ceremonies. I know so many lavish christenings where the ceremony is the 'all' and no thought of religious guidance is ever mentioned again!

Also I agree with the dowager that it sounds like there could have been a kinder way to present this and subsequently less reason for mil to be upset.

nannybeach · 03/06/2016 08:09

Yes, it is a snub, although I too can see your reasons for it. When we got married, we had my son and my Hubbies Mother as the 2 witnesses, figuring she would be really nasty if not asked (we dont now speak to her, long story, nasty bully) and guess what, she was angry we had chosen her, looks really bad tempered in all our wedding photos, you cannot bloody win! She and other relatives ruined our wedding!

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 03/06/2016 08:16

But if the other family aren't christened and therefore cannot be god parents what can OP do?

She can ask him, or anyone else who is not baptised but whom they wish to involve, to be a 'supporter' and participate in the ceremony as such.

SuburbanRhonda · 03/06/2016 08:19

If you say this,as suggested by a PP:

we'd have loved to have BIL but you have to be christened to act as God parent

Do you think they might wonder about the fact that the child's own father hasn't been christened? Perhaps they might see it as hypocritical to have such strict criteria for god-parents and such lax ones for actual parents?

Mycraneisfixed · 03/06/2016 08:30

Absolutely not a snub. How ridiculous! MIL seems to think the role of godparent is a little treat and her lot are missing out on it. I think it's lovely your family is so close and hands on, so ignore the people who don't understand the joy of being brought up in close and regular contact with extended family. They're probably just jealous. Enjoy the christening

Mycraneisfixed · 03/06/2016 08:30

BeckyWithTheMediocreHair · 03/06/2016 08:31

Perhaps they might see it as hypocritical to have such strict criteria for god-parents and such lax ones for actual parents?

Not OP's criteria, though - the Church's.

But I'm going to keep mentioning this 'supporter' role until I'm blue in the face - it is an option for non-baptised friends or family whom you wish to have in a godparent role.

Krampus · 03/06/2016 08:32

I can see why she views it as a snub, these days some view a Godparent as being similar to a Best Man or bridesmaid. They may be important on the day but their duties are pretty much for the wedding period only. Others see it as you're a Godparent for life, not just the ceremony.

I don't think that you are snubbing them, they're just not the godparents that you are looking for.

Snoringlittlemonkey · 03/06/2016 08:35

I get the logic of your choices but whatever you slice it its still a snub.

These events should bring families together not reinforce divides.

Onlyicanclean10 · 03/06/2016 08:38

No one ever asked me if I or dh had been christened and we have 4 god children. I am but dh isn't so maybe it depends on the church?

It's all nonsense anyway unless you are all religious and actually will attend church.

Still, think it's up to you op but maybe if you had asked someone from mils side you could build some relationships.

thatsn0tmyname · 03/06/2016 08:43

I can see her point. However, I've never understood why relatives of the child are chosen as Godparents as they'll be in the child's life anyway. If something happened to you and your partner it would be ideal if the child had a larger, supportive safety net looking after them. Why not ask a close friend of your partner's?

BoGrainger · 03/06/2016 08:55

It's spiritual guidance not who's suitable to bring up my orphaned children.

SuburbanRhonda · 03/06/2016 09:08

OP, I think the supporter idea is an excellent one. Then you can include both sides of the family because otherwise, you know this will run and run as a family feud no matter how you dress it up as not being your decision.

RhodaBull · 03/06/2016 09:11

These events should bring families together not reinforce divides.

Absolutely the above. It must be very tough if your dc marries into a "fun" family who do everything together and you are sidelined. No wonder the mil seems "uptight" and distant. I think I would retreat off into the background and not want to push in where I was not wanted. I think some spouses are very good at subsuming their other half into their own family and subtly freezing out the in-laws, and a willing or anything-for-a-quiet-life partner seals the deal.

jay55 · 03/06/2016 09:19

If mil didn't have her sons baptised presumably she doesn't have a faith and so shouldn't be bothered.

Hodooooooooor · 03/06/2016 09:25

It must be very tough if your dc marries into a "fun" family who do everything together and you are sidelined. No wonder the mil seems "uptight" and distant. I think I would retreat off into the background and not want to push in where I was not wanted. I think some spouses are very good at subsuming their other half into their own family and subtly freezing out the in-laws, and a willing or anything-for-a-quiet-life partner seals the deal

Thats some incredible projection on your part. Ishoos much?

If you never visit or phone your own children just because you think they find their inlaws more fun, there is something seriously wrong with you.

MrsJayy · 03/06/2016 09:32

I think if it was friends rather than family then she might have been different but choosing a random cousin from dhs side is a bit hypocritical but you will just need to understand that she is offended and there is not much you can do about it. Bil asked Dh to be godparent bil hates Dh it was all for show for mil to keep her happy was a very false christening Dh said yes to keep his mum happy was all very odd Bils second child was christened without us being their as mil had died before baby was thought about. Families are bloody weird

MrsJayy · 03/06/2016 09:33

There*

SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 03/06/2016 14:27

DH git christened in 30s and became a god parent. Ask his brother if he would be prepared to be ( and attend required classes etc). He'll probably say no, and she'll be happy. Say you've just found out it is possible (and if he does say yes, you've just got a spare!).

SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 03/06/2016 14:27

*got

Gide · 03/06/2016 14:52

Ridiculous to say it's a snub when his family aren't christened. My lot are all Catholic and only Catholics were asked to be or could be godparents. How else could they help raise the DC in the religion? And the OP says she wants her cousins, so that's what she should have, particularly.ry as her bil has met her DC once. Bonkers to turn this into an etiquette, equitable between families thread. It's a christening, not a political agreement.

NicknameUsed · 03/06/2016 15:26

At the last christening I witnessed at our church one of the godparents had to be baptised first before the baby did, so clearly the godparents have to be baptised to be godparents. (C of E).

I hate all the hypocrisy surrounding christenings. You either have a religious ceremony and all that it entails - including godparents who make promises to a god they believe in or you have a non religious naming ceremony. IMO there is no halfway option.

SuburbanRhonda · 03/06/2016 16:14

OP, you still haven't answered why it's ok to exclude your in-laws from this (not even taking up the suggestion of them being "supporters" as mentioned upthread) but somehow it's fine that one of your child's actual parents isn't a baptised Christian. Surely that's going to cause a problem with him raising her in a Christian way?

PurpleDaisies · 03/06/2016 16:48

suburban hasn't the op has taken what she wants from this thread? That's how her last post on page one reads to me. I think having someone from the other side of the family doing a reading sounds like a reasonable olive branch. Supporters are still invited to have a special place in the child's life-isn't it a bit daft to ask someone you don't really want in that role to do it just to keep the mother in law happy?

NanaNina · 05/06/2016 00:59

Another OP disappeared! I think when so many people have taken the trouble to post, it's very discourteous for the OP to just disappear but then that's me......good manners and all that.

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