MIL is in a mood about DD's christening

[HowVeryOdd]

I don't want to drop feed so will try to be succinct. DH and I are christening our baby in the summer. My two female cousins and my brother are godparents. MIL is annoyed that no one from 'her side' is acting as Godparent. We are extremely close to my family, DH is good mates with my brother and cousins and we see them very regularly and they dote on our little girl (6 months). My family are extremely hands on, we help each other out, are very informal and we have a lot of fun together. By comparison, DH's family are very (I hate to use the word uptight, but they are). Pils makes very little effort. If we didn't phone them, we'd never hear from them. Met them today to tell them the plans and she was very when we told her about the plans for godparents and asked who we'd be having from her side. DH's only brother isn't christened so that rules them out and we see his extended family once a year or at special occasions like weddings. She was very funny about us not asking DH brother but the reality is that he has only seen her once (DH family live an hour away), he never contacts his brother and isn't that bothered and they're not close. AIBU to think that she shouldn't view this as a massive snub? She didn't even christen her own children.

Apologies thedowager I worded that badly-I meant the reason for choosing particular godparents shouldn't be family love and harmony. They should be the people that parents think would be most appropriate to help support them as they bring up their child as a member of the church.

I do get what you mean - it's just more, if you're the kind of people to take a Christian ceremony very seriously, then it might be nice to act in a so-called, 'Christian' manner to all concerned.

There's something about the OP's tone through the thread, that jars on this front, slightly! Happy to accept that this might entirely be my read of the situation, though.

I think you should check if it matters that a godparent is christened themselves. We weren't asked about godparents when we christened our children. It might be nice if you included your BIL even if it is a token gesture. It might help bring you all together.

You choose people who YOU feel will support your child if the unthinkable happens.

One of my GC has two sets of Ungodly parents. They will step up if need be.

Fek etiquette, choose people you want.

Many times folk are asked, have no idea of what they are being asked to do and disappear out of the life of the child.

MIL should butt out.

Does BIL feel snubbed? Is he even religious?

Example - DH and I are atheists. Raising our children without a religious belief is important to us. We had a naming ceremony for DS recently organised through the British humanist association. Lovely day my dad was only one present from my size as they all live in Asia as I'm from there.

DH brother and SIL are religious. They had a christening about the same time. Didn't ask DH - and why would they?! We were utterly relieved because otherwise we would have had to say no to guiding him towards christ.

So maybe your BIL is quite chuffed if he like us is an atheist?

Both my DM and MIL are in a mood with us as we're having friends and no family members whatsoever for DS's christening in a couple of months! We decided this partly because we didn't want to ask some siblings and not others (I've got 2 and DH has one, having all three of them would be silly) and partly because I think it's pointless anyway to ask siblings or close family members - it means nothing as they already have a major role in DS's life as uncles and aunts. I'd far rather ask friends who will then be an extra presence in his life.

Despite DM obviously choosing the same for me (my godparents are friends of my parents, not family) she said that she thought my DB would have liked to be asked. MIL is very put out that SIL hasn't been asked because DH is godfather to both her children. As far as I'm concerned it's not a reciprocal invitation, you don't ask in order to be asked back!

I do get what you mean - it's just more, if you're the kind of people to take a Christian ceremony very seriously, then it might be nice to act in a so-called, 'Christian' manner to all concerned.

What is Christian about getting someone who doesn't believe in God or the teachings of the Church to make promises they cannot keep to Someone they do not believe in?

To a Christian, that's an insult to God and is setting someone up to fail in His eyes.
How can a non-Christian guide a child spiritually if they don't believe?

I would just ask his brother. The church never asks to see a baptism certificate (do your cousins have to show theirs?) it will balance the godparents out and keep the peace in the family. It doesn't really mean anything long term now days anyway. I done it with my family and things just carry on as normal.

But if you actually care about the religious aspect FIS that's not good enough. And rally, if you're getting your child christened and don't care about the religious aspect perhaps a non church naming ceremony would be better.

Who you choose is important. Or it should be.

Incidentally DH and I couldn't have two people we would also like to have been godparents as they declined as not religious. But they are 'odd parents' instead.

Mind you we don't have family as godparents. Family is family, godparents, for us, are different.

I'm on your side in this but surely the situation could have been smoothed over simply by saying "we'd have loved to have BIL but you have to be christened to act as God parent"?

YANBU to choose people that you believe will be the best godparents to your child and I'm with Tanith.
Your MIL is obviously not a religious person as didn't have her own children baptised, so I fail to see why she would be all uppity about the whole thing. It would be ridiculous for your BIL to stand there in the church and make promises to help guide your child on a Christian path when he has no belief in that.

A baptism should not just be a party for the new baby where godparents are chosen willy nilly IMO - if people want that, then have a non-religious naming ceremony.
And my church are pretty strict on godparents being baptised themselves....baptised and confirmed was the preference of the priest.

Do not say it's because he's not christened, that just opens up a debate on the necessity of it...there is no debate. YOU choose the god parents, end of.

Reworded a bit of your post - say something similar...

'DBIL he has only seen her once, he never contacts us & isn't that bothered. You didn't christen your children, but if you had, then you could have chosen the god parents you thought most suitable as we are'

Job done.

Sanity no one asked YOU, but the parents are asked to confirm all Godparents are Christened themselves.

He could always get Christened to do it. Maybe suggest that with a 'I will understand if you say no'.

I agree with Lambshank.

It does scream snub, to be honest. The fact that your family live so close now and are in and out of each other's lives, doesn't mean it will be that way in the future. Though, obviously you should chose people in the Christian faith, who will help raise children this way, did it really have to be so obviously just your family?

mybreadiseggy

A non-religious naming ceremony is not an event where people are chosen willy nilly to have a party.

They are humanist events where a huge amount of thought and planning goes in to design a ceremony that reflect the parental values and visions for the child. Ours had promises from DH and me, the formal gifting of an engraved silver pen, vows from each grandparent and readings from a port after whom our son has been named.

Your description of non religious events is insulting and frankly, incorrect.

I could respond with something similar for religious events but I will not.

Babett Apologies if my post came across as abrasive - it wasn't meant that way!
What I meant by it was that a non-religious ceremony would probably be more appropriate if the MIL wants some input on the choosing of godparents, as the pool that people could be chosen from would be wider because they wouldn't have to "fit" certain religious criteria, or make religious proclamations that they do not have any belief in.

I can see why she sees it as a snub. You say relations with them are quite cool, this can only make that worse.

I don't think Yabu. Christening a child is a religious act. Godparents should be religious as well. It is a religious role.

I am assuming you are religious too so it makes sense. If you are not then yabu getting baby christened in the first place.

I am religious but my family aren't so are not involved in the church aspects of my Ds life. We just had a party when Ds was born as my church does not baptise children anyway.

DH's sister asked DH and i to be god parents to her DS along with her other siblings and their spouses. They assumed i was christened and when it came up that i wasn't, and therefore was the only one who couldn't accept, they were mortified on my behalf. Loads of awkward apologies and offers of other roles on the day. I honestly wasn't bothered at all (actually glad i wouldn't have to stand up in church and basically lie which was bothering me greatly) and it was awkward as i had to appear a bit disappointed but not so much to make them feel even worse. Bless MIL - she kept asking if i was ok on the day. DH (also total non believer) felt awkward about it all but accepted the role and stood there in church renouncing the devil ect with his siblings. I found the whole thing farcical as none of the family are practicing Christians or have any strong beliefs and it really was all about the piss up party afterwards. No one in the family has been near or by a church or a bible in the last 5 years since. Hey ho.

I am hoping OP can come back and tell us if they are very religious and will want her DS raised in the faith. I think it will have a baring on how acceptable a 'token' god parent would be in this situation.

I'm not relligious, wasn't raised in either parents faith but when we had children DH wanted them baptised in his faith.
As it was explained to me then godparents were to be people who would help the children understand and support them through chuch rituals. I'm sure it was one of the things godparents are supposed to vow to do.
So the godparents had to be from DH side.
As it is none of my DC have set foot in a church for years, rarely see their godparents, in fact my DSs had a massive falling out with one godparent( not over religion ) and dont speak now.

Anyway I cant see how it can be a snub to not choose a non practicing christian as a godparent

My athiest non godparent sister has a closer relationship with my DCs than any of the godparents.

It has nothing to do with who would raise or look after the children should anything happen to the parents, that should be discussed separately.
When making a will its a good idea to say who you would like to be DCs guardians

Well you could have given them an olive branch, to be honest picking all those people from one side just looks like a snub. This is a christening, forget all the 'do it how you want it' think of the child, are you using the baby as a weapon against its own grandparents?

No wonder they aren't very close. Personally I'd prefer to look back on my child's christening as a time when both sides of my child's family came together, I wouldn't want to look back on it as a time that I got 'one up' on my parents in law.

But if the other family aren't christened and therefore cannot be god parents what can OP do?

My Dh has one brother
He is God father to two of our four kids .His wife is God mother to one. I have a bigger family but never thought to use only my side.

Have who you like but it is a snub.