Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

MIL is in a mood about DD's christening

111 replies

HowVeryOdd · 02/06/2016 22:20

I don't want to drop feed so will try to be succinct. DH and I are christening our baby in the summer. My two female cousins and my brother are godparents. MIL is annoyed that no one from 'her side' is acting as Godparent. We are extremely close to my family, DH is good mates with my brother and cousins and we see them very regularly and they dote on our little girl (6 months). My family are extremely hands on, we help each other out, are very informal and we have a lot of fun together. By comparison, DH's family are very (I hate to use the word uptight, but they are). Pils makes very little effort. If we didn't phone them, we'd never hear from them. Met them today to tell them the plans and she was very when we told her about the plans for godparents and asked who we'd be having from her side. DH's only brother isn't christened so that rules them out and we see his extended family once a year or at special occasions like weddings. She was very funny about us not asking DH brother but the reality is that he has only seen her once (DH family live an hour away), he never contacts his brother and isn't that bothered and they're not close. AIBU to think that she shouldn't view this as a massive snub? She didn't even christen her own children.

OP posts:

Peppermintea · 02/06/2016 23:02

YABU. At the end of the day you have to consider both sides of the family even if you're closer and prefer one side. It is etiquette and kind to do so and not always just about what you want when it's family involved. It would be right to at least have one person from each side of the family unless just having friends.

Welshmaenad · 02/06/2016 23:04

No, you don't pick godparents as some kind of invitation to involve themselves should they feel like it. You pick people who have already devoted themselves to the child.

If everyone who fulfils that criteria are from your family, well, then the inlaws need to ask themselves some questions, don't they?

Not a snub. Do what's best for you and your baby.

HoldTheDoorHodor · 02/06/2016 23:05

I came on to say what Welshmaenad said.

Hodooooooooor · 02/06/2016 23:07

If you think its a snub you don't understand what a christening is about. You get up and make promises about guiding the child in the church as well as being their for them throughout their lives. You don't pick godparents who are neither part of the church nor involved in the child's life.
Picking such a person as a godparent so as not to upset Granny who also can't be arsed would be to make a mockery of the whole event.

MistressDeeCee · 02/06/2016 23:09

Your child your choice its nothing to do with your MIL but either way of course its a snub, it looks as if its all about your family and to you your DH's family aren't good enough, because they aren't like your family.

Also you keep mentioning who has been christened from their family, and who hasn't, in a disapproving way. I don't see why that has anything to do with choosing a godparent - do people who ask friends/family to be godparents, check if they've been christened first? Is this a thing? Who knew? Im a godparent, priest didnt ask if Id been christened. I have. But also when I chose godparents for my children I didnt even ask if theyd been christened and nor did the priest

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 02/06/2016 23:10

I thought the whole Idea of godparents was to choose people who will guide the child spiritually as they grow?

If your MIL and her side are not at all religious and you intend to raise your DC with religious beliefs then surely the logical thing is to choose people who share those beliefs and can pass them onto your child. So YANBU to choose people who have been christened/are religious in some way.

I'm not at all religious and wouldn't see it as a snub if a future DIL chose religious people who happened to be family on her side to be godparents iyswim. It would be a relief.

I would jokingly point out I will be the jedi godparent and educate any potential grandchild in the ways of the jedi

NicknameUsed · 02/06/2016 23:13

"Do you have to be Christened to be a Godparent? I didn't know that."

Yes, you do.

"Sadly, agree with witsender - it is a snub to your DH's family. Are you very religious? Because if not, then this is really a family event, and you should at least have a token member of DH's family or a friend from DH's side."

You are missing the point of Godparents entirely. You don't choose Godparents to please them you choose them because they should be playing a part in your child's life.

There is a good explanation here and here

Since the brother hasn't been baptised he can't be a Godparent so you don't have to make up excuses anyway.

WellErrr · 02/06/2016 23:16

It's not a snub at all.

A godparent, chosen well, can be a huge and positive influence in a child's life. You don't pick someone just to avoid upsetting your MIL.

FWIW, I didnt agree with choosing family full stop. They already have the family - give them more people. We chose friends for ours and they were v pleased to be asked

StrictlyMumDancing · 02/06/2016 23:18

We didn't christen our DC because it wasn't a major issue for me mainly, but turned out not enough for DH. I'd have done it for him if he were bothered and we did slightly discuss godparents. We went down the route of hypothetically having both families 'honoured' before realising that a) that isn't what godparents are for and b) we don't even know who are own godparents are.

DH knows one and I only know mine because I found a picture of my christening a few years back (and no, none of the people were who my parents thought may have been my godparents ).

So YANBU I think. If you're going to do it, then bring people in who will actually godparent.

NicknameUsed · 02/06/2016 23:24

"You don't pick someone just to avoid upsetting your MIL. "

I agree. Picking someone as a godparent to avoid upsetting them is entirely the wrong reason to be a godparent. It also means that they don't understand the concept of being a godparent.

I would go so far as not having my child christened at all if it meant that I would be upsetting family members by not choosing them as godparents. This is how strongly I feel about what being a godparent is meant to be.

elfycat · 02/06/2016 23:28

I've had both DDs Christened, in different areas.

DD1, we picked 3 friends. 2 were official Godparents because they had been Christened, the 3rd is a supporter. Incidentally I was also Christened that day because I had been asked to be a Godparent and that church required us all to be Christened.

DD2, we'd moved and the original 2 resumed their Godparent role. As no3 wasn't Christened he was not allowed. Not even as a supporter. So we went with 2 and he's still honorary Godfather.

The choice is down to you and your DH. Ignore MIL. My inlaws are not religious people and were downright prats at both Christenings too, so I feel your pain. As they couldn't use the religious argument to get their way about anything, they decided to use the catering as their weapon of choice for the misery... Don't ask... just don't

TheLambShankRedemption · 02/06/2016 23:44

I think it depends.

If you, DH and the prospective godparents are all religious and church-going, and the other side of the family isn't, then the role of godparent is a spiritually significant thing to you and YAdNBU in wanting godparents who will support your child in that faith.

If you are not religious/only go to church for a wedding and this christening is like the vast majority of hypocritical christenings I've been to i.e. a token church service into a religion that neither the parents nor the child will bother with after the service is complete, but it is really for a celebratory party for the new baby and baby presents, then yes, I can see why MIL may see it as a bit of a snub to DH's side of the family.

marilyntaylor · 02/06/2016 23:54

We had DS2 christened at the beginning of March (Church of England) and when we filled in the appropriate form beforehand, one of the questions was if the intended Godparents had been christened or confirmed.

In our case they had all been confirmed, so there was no problem, but I have just looked on the Church of England website, and it says they it is a basic requirement that all the Godparents have themselves been christened, although it is not necessary that the parents have.

Therefore your BIL probably wouldn't be allowed to be Godparent anyway - tell your MIL to look at the website if she won't take your word for it.

chipmonkey · 02/06/2016 23:57

wtf? She didn't christen her own kids but is arsey because you don't pick anyone from her non-Christian family to be Christian godparents? I'm not particularly religious but that's nuts!
When SIL and BIL had DN, they picked BIL's brother and his wife to be godparents. MIL whined and said you shouldn't pick from only one side.
BIL said "We can have who we like."
End of conversation

AppleMagic · 03/06/2016 00:00

If they get on well, tell her that you consider your BIL to have a special role in your child's life but he can't be godparent because he doesn't meet the criteria. It's meaningless pandering for an easy life

fatowl · 03/06/2016 00:03

We deliberately didn't chose family for just this reason. Our siblings have a big role in our DCs life anyway, and in the event that me and DH were not around, they would be there for them anyway.
For each one, we chose close friends - some have faded away over the years (our DC are now early 20s, late teens) but still happy with our choices - all three still have one godparent still active in their lives, and my DD1s godmother is like a second mum to all of them.

My SIL and DHs cousin bowed to family pressure (they are a religious family) and chose godparents from suggested obscure relatives - bonkers IMO.

Damselindestress · 03/06/2016 00:17

YANBU. Godparents are supposed to be active supportive figures in your DC's life. Your DH's brother cannot fulfill that role if they aren't close and he never gets in touch. It sounds like no one from your in-laws family were chosen to be godparents because they are not very involved or interested in your DD's life.

NanaNina · 03/06/2016 00:25

I think it's a snub and I suspect MIL is quite envious of your close family with who you have so much fun. Different churches might have different rules but my elder son was god father to my younger son's child and he hasn't been christened and it wasn't an issue. His child was not christened either because neither him or my DIL wanted it, in fact they are non believers, but my son didn't want to snub his brother and so did what he needed to do with good grace.

And all these posts about what godparents are supposed to do, well it doesn't always happen does it. I was god mother to so many of my 3 sisters' babies (I've lost count because there were so many including a set of triplets) and I treat all my nieces and nephews the same. I support them all equally.

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday · 03/06/2016 00:30

Standoffish mils grate on me when they expect to be treated equally, I think it's just for show, they don't want to tell friends none of their side is represented but can't be bothered to get openly involved

Lilacpink40 · 03/06/2016 00:38

You could tell her you'd have loved to have picked a Godparent from both sides but they have to fit criteria. Then see if they'd like to help in another way? (Catering for event or completely different help).

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/06/2016 00:51

Ifonlylove My Mil is like this, she doesn't bother with the DC yet she was at a funeral recently and to quote someone: "she was crowing about DD" (my 1 year old/her gc) but when it came to light she had not one photo of her on her person it was implied that I'd embarrassed her somehow. I've printed off and gave her plenty of photos of the DC so why this is my fault I don't know!

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/06/2016 00:55

You're absolutely right to choose the most appropriate people for you and your DD, which it sounds like you have.

It's not a snub - but - you must see how it looks.

I get hyper-aware if this sort of thing, and even if I knew I was fully justified in a decision, I would still be over sensitive to how it might be perceived by others, for fear of hurting their feelings.

I would probably have thought about some sort of back up way of explaining it to them, rather than announcing it as a fait accompli, and expecting them suck it up.

You're not close to them, but this sort of things can tend to drive a wedge further, instead of being used as an opportunity to smooth the waters, etc.

I'm not religious - but this is a Christian ceremony, it so it should probably be about harmony and love and joining together in fellowship, etc, etc, which the current way of handling possibly isn't doing to the max...

PurpleDaisies · 03/06/2016 01:00

I'm a Christian. A christening is where the parents promise to bring up their child in the Christian faith with the help of the godparents. It's obviously really nice if there can be family harmony too but that's not the reason for christening a child.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/06/2016 01:04

No, it's not the reason, PurpleDaisies, you're right. It wasn't really the point I was making...

NanaNina · 03/06/2016 01:06

Why is MIL "in a mood" - could she possibly be genuinely upset?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread