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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Working parents - how do you do it all?

141 replies

MalmMumma · 01/06/2016 17:09

Just that really. I have a 2.5 year old DS, work 4 days, in a very busy, relatively stressful job and trying to progress to the next level within the next year or so. I feel like time runs away from me everyday and before I know it, it's time to go home and I've not achieved everything on my to do list. By the time we sort or tea, bath, bed, our own dinner, get tidied up, make lunch for the next day, do any washing etc, it's 9pm at the earliest and if I log onto emails at that point, I'm either totally ineffective/exhausted or can't sleep when I go to bed after too much screen time. Does anyone have a magic solution other than Wine! How do you juggle all the balls?

OP posts:
JuliannalovesCliveBixby · 02/06/2016 03:59

I run my own business at home (not MLM shite) and dh works 50 hours a week. We have two dc, the youngest is two and much higher maintenance than his sibling was.

We have a weekly cleaner and someone who does the majority of the ironing. I am strict and don't work past 5pm. This means I'm often starting work at 6am Confused. Dh and I share the day to day housework/dinner prep equally. I don't workout much, unless I swap working at 6am before anyone else is up to going for a run/swim instead. By 7.30pm I'm knackered. I do all the childcare until dh comes home from work and then we split it - dh does more than me in the evenings though, while I cook. He cleans the kitchen and sorts the dishes when I'm getting the kids to bed or in bed myself. Um... We don't do "it all". Our personal lives suffer a bit (too tired to do anything in the evenings or to workout) , as does our wallet with out sourcing the weekly clean and ironing. We used to do that ourselves and it took a day at the weekend. Now we spend time together as a family more and I'm much happier with a clean house so it's well worth it.

Babettescat · 02/06/2016 05:33

Both working full time equal earners 1 dc 7 months and Ddog 1.5 yrs. Here's how -

  1. I have a flexible job (while earning a tad more than DH 8-5)which allows working from home 3 days a week
  2. DS goes to childminder daily but on those 3 days starts a bit late at noon because I work into the evening
so lower than full time hours
  1. Lots of pre prepared food from the supermarket online delivery - chopped veg, ready marinated fish and meat etc
  2. Cleaner 3 hours a week including ironing
  3. Takeaway budget for month on bad days
  4. Low housekeeping standards thank you Ddog
  5. DH does a lot before leaving for work at 7 am - dishwasher unloading, bins, dog out, ironing, breakfast for me if I want it - and he does a pre bed run of dishwasher loading, dog out, some laundry.
  6. I do all organising finances food
Babettescat · 02/06/2016 05:35

Ironing for DH if cleaner hadn't had time to do it*

sittingonthedock · 02/06/2016 06:03

Longchalk - you would be entitled to unpaid parental leave for each child. Can't remember the cap but it should cover holidays.

ElodieS · 02/06/2016 06:38

DP and I both work full time in stressful but (thankfully!) well paid jobs, and we're both fairly ambitious and keen to continue to progress at work. We have 4yo DTs who are in full time nursery. At the moment we make it work by me leaving home at 6am before anyone's up and starting work at 6.30am so I can finish at 4pm. DP does morning routine and drop off and gets to work at 9.30am. I do pick up, dinner for DTs, start bath and bed time and prepare our dinner. DP usually gets home just in time to kiss DTs good night at 7pm then we eat together and both log in to work for an hour at 9pm-ish. We'll have a similar routine when they're at school I think with slight adjustments.

I have to say though, the weeks fly by in a total blur and I wish we had more time as a family. I'm pregnant with DC3 at the moment and can't wait for maternity leave! I think we may have to consider one of us reducing hours in the future to be honest.

Tigresswoods · 02/06/2016 06:45

I'm FT but WFH, DH is FT with a commute. DS is 6.

Even though I work from home I need to be out a lot. Online shopping delivery & planning our meals has saved my sanity!

It's a small thing but it makes a massive difference.

It is relentless doing what you do but as someone said cut out the non-essentials. They don't need a full on bath each day as they get older.

AmbridgeGirl · 02/06/2016 08:21

Not the OP but thank you so much for sharing these tips and for the honesty. FTM to be due in October and both DH intended to return to FT work after shared parental leave. We know it's not going to be easy but reading this thread has given us some really good ideas and made us feel a lot more positive about managing things.

Summerdays11 · 02/06/2016 08:35

I have tried and failed to work full time . We don't earn enough to buy out side help . As well as that my anxiety got really bad . And I felt I was existing, with no down time at all .
Your doing fab . Reading it sounds exhausting, Im working part time and upped my hour routine slightly - was worried how I would manage - feel a drip now . I just wish I could do that without breaking . How do you manage if say there is a family drama of the kids are up with nightmares ? Your routines full on how do you manage when something else happens ?.also wanting advice on how to manage my own life

lilacclery · 02/06/2016 09:56

Great advice on this thread
I leave the house at 6.50am and return at 5.50pm 3 days a week and at 8pm and 8.30pm the other two days. I occasionally have to do a few hours on Sat but sometimes I take the dc with me.

Dh up to recently was leaving house at 2am & not returning until 6/8pm(6/7 days a week for poor wages) but has now changed jobs and will be doing a week of nights and a week of days .

Oh ya and ds 2.5 just started sleeping the night at Easter, this has made an overwhelming difference to everythingGrin

How it works for us is we have a live in au pair who feeds the dc all their meals, and a cleaner 2 hours per week.

I do the grocery shopping on my late night so often aren't home until 9pm but it's a job out of the way for the weekend and I don't have the dc with me. Slow cooker is my best friend, batch cook when I can too. As dc are usually fed it's easier than previous au pair when we all ate together.

dd gets a locally run school bus to and from the door to school, she's 6.

I didn't have house standards anyhow but we're happy to live in a clean, relatively tidy mess.

In the am before work, I feed the cats( & chickens when we have them) and either put out a wash, or on a wash or both, make mine and dds lunch(if I haven't done it evening before), fill or empty dishwasher
In the pm myself or dh feeds dogs and cats, sorts out some laundry, fill or empty dishwasher.

I've only 30 mins for lunch so once a week I walk during my lunch break and do an exercise dvd sat & sun (when I'm on top of things)
My weight has suffered, as has our relationship, but everythings improving thanks to dh's new job and a realisation that there's more to lifeSmile

KatharinaRosalie · 02/06/2016 10:01

The thing with part time job and career is that if you want a promotion, they are expecting you to still do a full time job, don't they? I find it's easier to work full time and use the extra money to outsource the boring stuff.

cricketballs · 02/06/2016 10:13

After us both working full time since we met we have learnt that routine is the key which as they got older included the DC. The housework gets done in a blitz by me on a Saturday whilst DH does the shopping, ironing on a Sunday whilst DH preps veg for dinner.
Week days I cook, DH clears up. Washing is done as and when there is enough for a full load (always had enough uniform to last a week e.g. 5 pairs of trousers each).
Mess is kept to a minimum by having a house rule that things get put away! But we don't bother with cleaning as such in the week unless the dog has been particularly messy (she's very good at clearing up crumbs!)

LongChalk · 02/06/2016 10:19

Ambridge, good luck and you'll be fine when your DC is little as childcare etc is easier. Just don't leave it too late to think about how you'll manage when they're at school and you have 13wks of school holidays to cover. That's why work is no longer viable for me.

MarmaladeAndEggs · 02/06/2016 10:37

DH and I both work around 45 hours a week each, mine includes night and weekend shifts, and we have 2 kids. Washing goes in in the morning, and gets moved to the dryer in the evening. When it's dry it gets taken out straight away and gets a shake and is either hung up or folded. All shirts are non iron (very little ironing gets done).

We have a cleaner once a week. Cats get fed by whoever is around and has time (but somehow do always still get fed). On days when we're both late we've got a lovely lady who picks up the kids and feeds them, and if necessary puts them to bed. She also helps with some of the housework.

The kitchen floor gets swept a couple of times a week, and the dishwasher get filled about once a day after dinner, but apart from when the cleaner does it there's no hoovering unless it gets really bad.

Apart from that, we have very low standards - bedding gets changed every couple of months unless the cleaner has time, and time with kids is prioritised over housework as I personally believe that as long as we're not living in total squalor, that's more important.

EveryoneElsie · 02/06/2016 10:41

If you look at other cultures parents are not supposed to do it all. People are running themselves ragged to earn a living and do everything.
But we are supposed to live in a supportive family and wider community.

I couldn't have coped without a freezer, meal planning and batch cooking. It saved us a lot of money as well with packed lunches,

MarmaladeAndEggs · 02/06/2016 10:41

Oh yes - and both kids are on school lunches - they want packed lunches but we just don't have time!

Grocery shopping is all done on line and delivered.

DrasticAction · 02/06/2016 11:07

Op I am a sahm and I am the same, I can only do my own to do list when DH is here to watch them. Otherwise I am on full duty with no time to myself.

Diddlydokey · 02/06/2016 11:14

Team work.

I do nursery drop off and collection.
I never work outside my hours, maybe through lunch if absolutely necessary
I use my lunch hour to do an online food shop
I maximise my evenings - book into gym classes to make DH get home for 6
DH cooks and washes up
I tidy, do laundry and admin
We both clean on a Saturday morning for about 90 minutes

With exercise, we don't see too much of each other in the week but we try to maximise family time at the weekend.

The house stays fairly tidy and I always make sure that everything is away before I sit down for an hours telly in the evening. This is helped because we aren't there much.

weeblueberry · 02/06/2016 11:14

I work part time every day and my children (1 and 3) are at a childminder. While I only work mornings it's in a pretty stressful sales job. Despite this I find being at home much harder!

I involve the kids making dinner whenever I can. Then it's an activity rather than a chore. They rarely get elaborate meals midweek unless my partner is home too.

In terms of cleaning, the house is grubby. I hate it but it's true. I sweep the floor twice a day and between two kids and two cats it always seems like I've missed something. I admit it does seem like I spent a lot of time during the day tidying up and cleaning but that's personal choice because I know that if I didn't do that, when it got to bedtime I'd have to spend 40 mins every night doing it in a oner.

I'm lucky in that my partner is there in the morning so we both watch the kids while the other showers.

My kids (older daughter particularly) probably watches more TV than I'd like. She's not really able to sit alone with colouring/sticker books without it all going a bit haywire ten minutes in when she gets bored.

Luckily my youngest is very chilled and is quite happy doting about the house, following me and taking part in the housework I do.

Most of it really is to make each 'chore' a project that everyone takes part in. Since I involved the kids more in tidying as we go and made it into a game for my very competitive older daughter it seems to go much faster.

For a proper clean of the kitchen and bathroom my partner takes the girls out on a Saturday morning and I rush around doing it then. Only takes an hour when I'm alone as opposed to two if the kids were there! It does only get done once a week which is less than I'd like though.

Washing gets done once a day through the week and either hung outside in summer or on the rick rack in winter/bad weather. Since I started doing a load every day rather than letting it pile up it's been much better. There's ALWAYS a load to do and it never runs out.

I'd really love a cleaner but we can't afford it right now. Maybe someday!

BiddyPop · 02/06/2016 11:47

DD is now 10, and DH and I have both worked FT in stressful jobs since her arrival (and before that!).

Organisation.
Get in door from work/nursery.

Check post box.
Empty bags of dirty clothes, empty food containers etc.
Turn on dinner (see after dinner re preparation).
Start DD on homework (she does the written parts in afterschool club, but that needs checking, and she does her reading, spellings and tables too before I sign homework journal). She's allowed play with her friend up the street once that's done.
Hang out laundry from washing machine (we set it on timer to run in the afternoons) - I can listen to homework while physically doing this.
Sort post - recycle bumpf, put bills aside to open and pay later (before or after dinner, as time allows).
Empty dishwasher if needed (or after dinner as part of washup).
Set table for dinner.
Feed the hungry demons.

Tidy up.
Make my lunch for tomorrow.
Prepare dinner stuff for tomorrow (peel potatoes, take things from freezer, peel/chop veg, put together meals if possible, set oven on timer if it suits the meal etc). Aim is to have things ready either to just eat, or at least just turn on pots and cook, as we get in the door.
Washing up (stack dishwasher, wash pots).

Prepare bags - any clothes needed, afterschool activity kit, notes signed....for DD and I, and check if DH needs anything.

Pay bills at this stage if not before - when doing school notes and paperwork generally.

Sort next load of laundry for machine and programme it.
Usually sweep floor nightly too.
Lay out clothes for tomorrow and any accessories I need (DD doesn't need accessories, DH looks after his own outfits) - makes it easy to get moving fast in the mornings.

I also try to lay out breakfast things - but it's a pretty slick operation in the mornings anyway. I do make a smoothie mix for myself on Sunday nights that lasts 4 mornings (there's usually 1 morning I am running and grab coffee instead) - berries, almond butter, seeds, oats, yoghurt and apple juice - so decent energy, lots of vitamins and easy to drink in a rush.

I try to "tidy as I go" - bring things with me upstairs when I am going anyway, clearing off tables and not leaving mess behind, etc. We always leave the kitchen tidy before bed, all dishes in dishwasher etc.

Weekends:
Clean house - focus on bathrooms, changing sheets/towels, kitchen.
Fold all clean laundry - I wash all week as dirty things arrive to prevent build up, but only fold clean once a week - we have reasonably extensive wardrobes to get around this but also if someone needs something, the clean laundry is in a separate hamper in the kitchen to raid easily once dry. Folding usually takes place in the evening while watching a movie on tv.
DH irons on Sunday evenings.
Sundays I tend to do a dinner for Monday - spag bol sauce, curry, lasagna, fish pie etc. But double portion so the second is frozen for the following week on a midweek night. So Mondays are very easy cooking nights.

Food shopping - I am getting better at organizing an internet delivery a couple of times a month to avoid the supermarket. I tend to have pretty well stocked cupboards as well, and freezer, to reduce a need to panic about shopping on a very hectic week. Either that I haven't got there at all, or that my plans for more elaborate meals need to be shelved for quick and easy options.

Cooking - while I like to cook from scratch, that's not possible all the time. So I will bulk cook on occasion (do a large pot of spag bol or a curry and freeze in 1 person and family portions), and often have parts of meals done this way too (eg. veggies marinated and frozen so I just tip the bag onto a roasting tray, with fresh chicken portions, and throw in the oven for 30 minutes). Or plain tomato sauce to add meat/veg to.

I also keep a few jars/packets of good sauces in the cupboard to add to meat and pasta/rice for days when starting with an onion and tin of tomatoes isn't an option.

I am getting better at fast meals - I have a few dinners that cook in 15 minutes or so, and some that need very little supervision even if they take longer.

There are nights when we have chicken kievs and chips - but the kievs tend to be the higher level ones (obviously real chicken still with a bone in it) and oven chips, and frozen peas.

And bad nights are OK once they are balanced with as many decent nights as possible and having some form of veggies in each meal (DH would be happy with tinned beans many nights - but I keep frozen veg too as I am not a bean fan).

Clothes - I tend to have mostly "wash and wear" type clothes - not too many needing ironing apart from DH shirts and a few dresses. And not too many needing dry cleaning either. I also have my wardrobe organized to suit grabbing easily. I keep spare tights in my desk at work as well.

Makeup - I have it well practiced, but I keep 3 full makeup kits. 1 on my dressing table, 1 in my washbag for travelling, and 1 in my desk at work. I don't wear it everyday, but a lot. IT's mostly the same items in each set, I replace all 3 mascaras together every year, work is more subdued than home/travel for eyecolours/lipstick (less need for dramatic looks!).

I also keep my washbag ready packed as I have to travel for work on occasion and a fair amount of weekends for family too - so I repack it when I get home not when I am trying to get moving in a hurry.

(I also tend to change the sheets on the visitors beds in the spare room as soon as they are gone - rather than just before they arrive - so one less job to do when I am frantic. All I need to do is grab clean towels and the room is ready. We have had last minute announcements of visitors on occasion, and that has been at frantic work times more than once).

I keep my budget on a spreadsheet - keeping track of actual expenditure, and budgeting ahead at least 9 months. I have a separate sheet of the annual bills and monthly bills, so when I add in a new sheet(s) for a few more months ahead, I can easily add in the bills due in those months (many are estimated, but helps keep some track of what I should need). I have a few set up to pay as DDs and savings on standing orders, but still have a few to pay by cheque - I try to sort those as soon as they come in. Filing of paperwork is less pressured - I keep a basket on the side in the kitchen and once things are dealt with, they go in there for filing (which is a job done sometimes every 6 months, sometimes up to 2 years have gone by - but some quiet evening or Saturday afternoon, I take over the kitchen table and lay everything out). But everything is in the basket if we need to refer back before the filing gets done.

Big "week on a page" diary on the kitchen counter - for our travel, DD clubs, family events, doctor appointments, school dates, etc. Means we can see at a glance what's coming up (we keep it open on the current week), and I can put things in quickly when dealing with notes from school or post everyday.

We are about to go back to having a cleaning service once a fortnight for a proper clean, which will help.

It's lots of little things which all add up. We mostly do it just ourselves, family are not close enough to help in general. But we mostly DO manage reasonably well. I did a Masters when DD was small (9 months to 2.5yrs), DH and I have both been promoted a couple of times since she's arrived, we have both had a reasonable amount of work travel to do - but we've managed.

BiddyPop · 02/06/2016 11:56

Sorry that was such an essay - and I forgot to bold the sections (the first part was my routine as I get in the door from work).

DD gets involved a lot with us, and is now able to bake by herself (I still do the oven), and having attended a cookery school as 1 summer camp last year, now has a couple of recipes to make dinner for us all (I had her chopping mushrooms and helping with organizing dinner from under a year - slave driver that I am).

Although, that said, she doesn't get involved every day and has plenty of playtime. And we spend time with her a lot too - particularly once we've eaten (washup often waits until she's in bed) to sit and watch tv together, go for a walk on nice evenings, and storytime in bed has always been a big thing (we only dropped from reading nightly about 18 months ago as she now listens to audiobooks instead - but we still bring her up to bed and settle her in).

LongChalk · 02/06/2016 12:13

BiddyPop, you sound super organised and it all seems to work so well. I'd love to be so organised but with 6 of us I feel like I'm chasing my tail most of the time. I really need to do 2 or 3 washes a day to keep on top of it and I've never managed to batch cook very much as cooking one meal for 6 uses most of the pan so when I do do it, I'm basically cooking 2 separate lots rather than one big lot. Maybe I'm making excuses or maybe I just need super guidance. If I could make the holiday thing work then I'd definitely be open to tips on how to time manage better so I could stay at work.

ElodieS · 02/06/2016 12:29

OMG BiddyPop, I'm swooning in envy at how organised you are!

HackerFucker22 · 02/06/2016 12:53

2 young kids, I work 3 days per week, DP at least 5 (sometimes 7)

I swear by lists, online shopping and batch cooking.

We don't bath kids every night, we only iron essentials and we keep on top of the tidying, its much easier to spend 5-10 minutes in the evening having a little tidy than it is to let things build up we have a big clean weekly or even fortnightly

Whoever cooks gets the kids ready for bed whilst the other washes up.

Clothes for the next day laid out, lunches made night before, bags packed.

Everything that can be diarised is, so we can keep on top of things.

Helps that I am naturally pretty anal Grin

lilacclery · 02/06/2016 12:58

Weekly Swimming lessons weekly are the reason my kids get washed GrinGrin miss them now they're finished as bath time takes so long (they love it!) and thanks to going to beach with au pair almost every day they need showering which ds detestsGrin

foxykins · 02/06/2016 13:05

I'm a bit revolted by people not changing bed sheets for months on end?

Isn't there a risk of bed bugs / skin infections etc from dust mites if you don't wash them every fortnight at the maximum? I'd say that is definitely an essential not a nice to have.

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