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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding people (one in particular!) just turning up?

85 replies

Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:03

AIBU to expect people to respect my boundaries in regards to coming round to my home? Tonight, the man I am (or was, after tonight...) seeing simply rocks up on my doorstep. No warning. No prior communication to check it was ok, or convenient. I had literally just got in (just before 8pm), I was exhausted, hungry and considering which tablet would best get me to sleep tonight.

Doesn't sound like the crime of the century, I realise, but due to a combination of medical issues (M.E. and depression/anxiety) I am unable to deal with unexpected situations well and any situations that cause an adrenalin surge can cause me to relapse. He is well aware of my issues, and I've made it clear to him that he should never just turn up unannounced. Tonight, he did just that. My reaction was not great, but it was the shock! I just said "You can't fucking do this!" (I know, I know...) I just couldn't believe that he had disregarded everything I'd ever said about my boundaries and what I can and can't cope with. Whereupon he turned tail and left. I'm still shaking. Any kind of stress is really bad for my M.E and can take until the next day for the shakes to stop.

What's made it worse was the text he sent later about how I'd made it clear that it was "all his fault". But.....eh? He made the decision, judged it wise, despite knowing my issues with anxiety, etc, and yet....it's partly my fault? I feel very, very sad that I'm not 'normal' - I have to deal with this every day of my fucking life. I just can't deal with life very well, though I do my best. I'm sad on one level that I wasn't able to do what others do, invite him in, etc, but my boundaries had been crossed and it sent me into a downward spiral.

I'm just wondering if other people, with or without anxiety and other issues, would feel the same (although not possibly react the same!) if their boundaries had been pushed like this?

Apologies for rambling - I'm still really shaken up.

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 31/05/2016 23:06

YANBU - you stated your boundaries and he tried to ride roughshod over them without good reason. Good for you for taking care of yourself.

FetchezLaVache · 31/05/2016 23:09

YA so NBU. It sounds like you've dodged a bullet here, awful bloody man. I hope you feel a bit calmer soon and manage to get a decent night's sleep.

DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 23:12

With you OP, wouldnt get past my door either.

LindyHemming · 31/05/2016 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poorpaws · 31/05/2016 23:14

I too have M.E. and am often anxious,people do not understand. I feel your pain.

AliceInHinterland · 31/05/2016 23:18

It sounds very rude to me regardless of your health, the fact that you have made it clear that he must not do this makes it bizarre. I'm sorry he made you feel so awful and I hope you're feeling a bit better.

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:23

Thanks for your replies - it makes me feel a bit better. To clarify, he was actually a really great guy (no, really!) but he SO clearly didn't 'get' the serious nature of my conditions, despite saying all the right things at times.

What made it worse was that today we'd exchanged texts in which I told him I was really depressed - this means that I'm more easily upset and less able to handle provoking situations - and in his mind (WTF??) he figured the right course of action was to drive for miles to knock on my door. With a big cake. I forgot the cake. So now, there's a part of me that feels bad because he came bearing gifts. But the other part of me is still utterly, utterly bewildered as to how the fuck his mind could persuade him this was the right thing to do.

poorpaws - you're right, people don't understand. I guess that's it with him, no matter how much he says he understands, his actions indicate he plainly does not. Sorry to hear you have M.E. too - it's not fun Hmm

OP posts:
blinkowl · 31/05/2016 23:26

Your ME / anxiety may have been a blessing in disguise in this one instance.

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. If he's the kind if man I suspect he may be, he came round because you told him not to. He was pushing your boundaries deliberately.

If you didn't have such a strong reason to react so definitely against his behaviour, he may have managed to make you feel unreasonable or impolite for not welcoming him. He might have you doubting yourself, or thinking maybe you didn't explain yourself properly. If it wasn't so important he listen to you about your boundaries, you might have ended up with him for much longer, chipping away at you till you wonder if you're going mad and him implying you are apportioning blame unfairly.

Either that or he's insensitive to the point of stupidity!

Either way, he stepped over your boundaries and you said "I don't think so"

Well done. I expect it sucks right now but you did a great thing for yourself. The fault is all his, without a doubt. I suppose you could say he did you a favour by showing you his true colours early on.

ExitPursuedByBear · 31/05/2016 23:26

I guess you are better off without each other.

blinkowl · 31/05/2016 23:28

Cross posts, sorry!

OK so maybe not a controlling arsehole then, just a bit dim!

WombatStewForTea · 31/05/2016 23:32

Slight dripfeed there op.
Without the cake context - weird and no abiding by your boundaries.
With the cake context- sounds like you'd told him you were down and he brought a cake and came to try and cheer you up.
Personally I think that sounds really sweet! I get that you have issues and really he should've text or something but it sounds like it came from a good place.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/05/2016 23:34

Sometimes it is really difficult to get a handle on other people's anxiety. So, yes, perhaps you really doesn't GET you.

None of us know if he is really a controlling arse or simply made a mistake on this occasion.

I think it's possible he was trying his best to be supportive.

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:34

blinkowl Yes, I feel it was insensitive, his arriving unannounced like that. And that kind of insensitivity I can do without. You're right in what you say, there is a tiny doubt in there of whether I was quite firm enough in my declarations of abhorrence for people just turning up! But I know I was. Oh, he said in his later text that I could have considered it a "romantic gesture". No empathy at all for the stress it probably (did) cause me - not at all.

It's pissing me off because that cake is sat there and whereas I'd normally dive in, it's now tainted and I don't want it Sad

OP posts:
80sMum · 31/05/2016 23:34

Is it possible that he simply forgot? He saw from the texts that you were feeling low and probably thought he was doing a nice thing by surprising you and bringing cake.

Most people tend to do the thing that they would like done to them when in a given situation. They don't always listen or take notice that what the other person might actually want is something different entirely.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/05/2016 23:36

Just read your update about the cake.

What a sad situation.

EveryoneElsie · 31/05/2016 23:36

YANBU.
You asked him not to turn up unannounced.
He tuned up unannounced, but with a cake. that does not make him a nice guy, it makes him someone who was pushing your boundaries but has to bring a prop to hide behind.

Now he is sending butthurt texts?
He is not a nice guy,. He is someone posing as a nice guy. A nice guy would have seen you were knackered and not been little boy pouty hurt by your response.

Personally, I think you dodged a bullet Flowers

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:36

Yes, to the people suggesting he was trying to be supportive. I imagine he was. But got it so wrong. Oh well, time to move on, I guess.

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 31/05/2016 23:38

With your extra information it does sound like he made an honest mistake then, rather than being wilfully ignorant.

If it's really important to you that partners follow the letter of your instruction and don't improvise when they think it's warranted, then you've made the right choice.

YabuDabbaDoo · 31/05/2016 23:39

If he's as thoughtful as you say he is, and you feel you've been too hasty, is it worth extending an olive branch?

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:39

80sMum - you've hit the nail on the head, I think. He would appreciate something like that, so decided that was the right thing to do. And for many, it would be. I think I'm just taken aback that all the time we've spend talking about what I can/can't handle appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

OP posts:
GoldenBlue · 31/05/2016 23:40

Sounds like the poor chap had the best intentions but simply misjudged "I'm depressed" to be "I'm a bit down and in need of a hug and cake to cheer me up".

If someone has never been depressed or known someone with the condition then they judge it by their own standard. But it didn't sound like he meant harm, he sounds like he wants to be there for you. Your reaction was very strong, perhaps more than necessary?

If you like the guy then all that is called for here is a calm conversation to help him to understand how to be there for you without crossing those trigger boundaries. Good luck to you both

ExitPursuedByBear · 31/05/2016 23:40

Maybe issuing written instructions would help.

gamerchick · 31/05/2016 23:40

I don't think he deserves to be called names. He doesn't get your many many issues, he thought you would be happy to see him and not be so ridged and fucked it up. He wanted to cheer you up that's all.

Maybe you should steer clear of the dating thing for the minute.

WriteforFun1 · 31/05/2016 23:41

I think you've been lucky
People do stuff like this on purpose to test others
Well assholes do it.
Hope you have a restful night.

YabuDabbaDoo · 31/05/2016 23:42

How long have you been seeing each other? If you're still at the stage of getting to know each other's dealbreakers, is there room to give him the benefit of the doubt?

You should trust your instincts on this, though - I've been on the receiving end of manipulation dressed up as "I was just trying to do something nice" and it's head wrecking. You do sound a bit sad about the possibility of it really being over though?

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