AIBU regarding people (one in particular!) just turning up?

[Oldisthenewblack]

AIBU to expect people to respect my boundaries in regards to coming round to my home? Tonight, the man I am (or was, after tonight...) seeing simply rocks up on my doorstep. No warning. No prior communication to check it was ok, or convenient. I had literally just got in (just before 8pm), I was exhausted, hungry and considering which tablet would best get me to sleep tonight.

Doesn't sound like the crime of the century, I realise, but due to a combination of medical issues (M.E. and depression/anxiety) I am unable to deal with unexpected situations well and any situations that cause an adrenalin surge can cause me to relapse. He is well aware of my issues, and I've made it clear to him that he should never just turn up unannounced. Tonight, he did just that. My reaction was not great, but it was the shock! I just said "You can't fucking do this!" (I know, I know...) I just couldn't believe that he had disregarded everything I'd ever said about my boundaries and what I can and can't cope with. Whereupon he turned tail and left. I'm still shaking. Any kind of stress is really bad for my M.E and can take until the next day for the shakes to stop.

What's made it worse was the text he sent later about how I'd made it clear that it was "all his fault". But.....eh? He made the decision, judged it wise, despite knowing my issues with anxiety, etc, and yet....it's partly my fault? I feel very, very sad that I'm not 'normal' - I have to deal with this every day of my fucking life. I just can't deal with life very well, though I do my best. I'm sad on one level that I wasn't able to do what others do, invite him in, etc, but my boundaries had been crossed and it sent me into a downward spiral.

I'm just wondering if other people, with or without anxiety and other issues, would feel the same (although not possibly react the same!) if their boundaries had been pushed like this?

Apologies for rambling - I'm still really shaken up.

He sounds mega childish. If he had just wanted to cheer you up, he could have left it on your doorstep and tested to say he had left something for you. You get cake and get thought about, without the panic.

Hey, I wasn't saying that you do this. I agree that if you explicitly told him not to come uninvited, then he was in the wrong for coming. I was saying that I don't think that MH problems of any form have a bearing on this and also don't have a bearing on how you should treat people, as you say. I guess my point is that a lot of the answers and maybe the way you word the OP are treating the health problems as relevant to the question, and in my view they're not. The point is that if you tell someone not to do something like come to your home, then they shouldn't do it - health problems make no difference to this principle.

nobility - yes, I agree, ultimately it's about respecting what people say, mental health issues or not. Sorry if I misinterpreted your post, or was over sensitive.

witsender - that would've been much better. Then I could have enjoyed the cake without the stress and panic! Never thought anything could ruin cake, but apparently I was wrong....

It's seems like it may be early days. It can take a while to get an understanding of these conditions. I think he's trying to be nice. The understanding will come in time. In the same way that he needs to try and understand your conditions, you need to understand that it's not always easy to do straight away!

Ah, so this is the second time he's done something you specifically asked him not to? You're well rid.

Twice ignoring your boundaries definitely makes me think "nice guy"! Doesn't see you as you, the person who has certain needs and requests, sees you as "woman" who will like all the things movies and books and the Internet teach him women like and then can't handle it when shock horror you actually are an individual.

I was talking to a friend about it, she has some similar issues. She used a good word - 'disorientated'. That's exactly what I felt, and what I feel when my routine is disrupted. He knows very well that I can't with things like this, and has been quite vocal about not wanting to be an added stress in my life. Mmmmm.....

In the same way that he needs to try and understand your conditions, you need to understand that it's not always easy to do straight away!

Bullshit!

Children are taught they don't do something they are told NOT to do, so it should be very easy for an adult bloke to understand when told NOT to do something that has a big and unpleasant effect on the OP.

This bloke has done it more than once, it seems, so clearly feels his feelings and need to be seen to be doing a nice thing are more important than listening to the OP and respecting her boundaries on some very real issues, etc.

No, it is NOT simply bullshit.

I have two close relatives with anxiety and depression. I find their needs and wants an absolute bloody minefield tbf.