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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding people (one in particular!) just turning up?

85 replies

Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:03

AIBU to expect people to respect my boundaries in regards to coming round to my home? Tonight, the man I am (or was, after tonight...) seeing simply rocks up on my doorstep. No warning. No prior communication to check it was ok, or convenient. I had literally just got in (just before 8pm), I was exhausted, hungry and considering which tablet would best get me to sleep tonight.

Doesn't sound like the crime of the century, I realise, but due to a combination of medical issues (M.E. and depression/anxiety) I am unable to deal with unexpected situations well and any situations that cause an adrenalin surge can cause me to relapse. He is well aware of my issues, and I've made it clear to him that he should never just turn up unannounced. Tonight, he did just that. My reaction was not great, but it was the shock! I just said "You can't fucking do this!" (I know, I know...) I just couldn't believe that he had disregarded everything I'd ever said about my boundaries and what I can and can't cope with. Whereupon he turned tail and left. I'm still shaking. Any kind of stress is really bad for my M.E and can take until the next day for the shakes to stop.

What's made it worse was the text he sent later about how I'd made it clear that it was "all his fault". But.....eh? He made the decision, judged it wise, despite knowing my issues with anxiety, etc, and yet....it's partly my fault? I feel very, very sad that I'm not 'normal' - I have to deal with this every day of my fucking life. I just can't deal with life very well, though I do my best. I'm sad on one level that I wasn't able to do what others do, invite him in, etc, but my boundaries had been crossed and it sent me into a downward spiral.

I'm just wondering if other people, with or without anxiety and other issues, would feel the same (although not possibly react the same!) if their boundaries had been pushed like this?

Apologies for rambling - I'm still really shaken up.

OP posts:
FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 31/05/2016 23:44

On a lighter note I think you might need to rethink your cake decision.
Bad delivery services do not a bad cake make.
Eat and enjoy it. He doesn't have to know.

myownprivateidaho · 31/05/2016 23:44

In what context did you tell him not to turn up unannounced? If you actually said it in so many words then yanbu.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 31/05/2016 23:44

Agree that you are asking an awful lot of a new partner just now. Perhaps you would be better off without the stress of a relationship while things are so bad for you.

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:44

I'd like to go to bed and sleep it all away but the adrenalin is still surging and will take a while to calm.

YabuDabba - I think we are probably incompatible, and he needs someone a bit more like himself. I actually hope he finds it. I don't bear him any ill will, just upset that he ignored the boundaries. He's the kind of person, who, if I extend an olive branch, will see it as a green light to do the same in the future, as clearly my words don't always mean what they seem to mean. And by that I mean more of an eager bunny than a manipulative thing. He's a bit full on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:46

bibbity - you're right. I was heading towards that decision anyway, and now I've made it. It's just me and the cake from now on (though not this one...possibly...)

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/05/2016 23:47

He got it wrong,

I imagine he understands that now.

If you previously thought he was lovely, aren't you cutting your nose off to spite your face?

Maybe he (clearly mistakenly) thought your previous texts were enough of a conversation/invite/lead for him to be welcome at yours. Maybe he sent you a text to say he was coming to see you & let him know if it wasn't convenient, but unless you talk to him you'll never know.

Are you always so quick to write people off!

grumpysquash3 · 31/05/2016 23:50

I think he probably just wanted to see you and be nice to you. And probably didn't realise that you had 'rules'.
But I think it's good to have clarity early on. If you want to keep seeing him, explain (again [yes, I know]), he sounds like fundamentally a nice guy.

WriteforFun1 · 31/05/2016 23:52

OP, I think it's fine that you have a rule that people don't drop by without checking and I don't even see why you need a reason for it. It certainly doesn't say to me that you aren't ready to date. You stated your boundaries, he didn't respect them. It's not even like you are saying something really unreasonable. If a BF, family member or friend was on my doorstep when I got home I'd probably think they were there to break the news of a death! Or they had lost keys AND phone and needed to stay here.

or had a major emotional crisis and didn't think. But basically, only okay in some kind of emergency.

WriteforFun1 · 31/05/2016 23:53

are posters reading the post, the OP said in her first post that she made her boundaries clear, so what part of "don't turn up" did he not understand or choose to respect?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/05/2016 23:53

Did he leave the cake though?

YabuDabbaDoo · 31/05/2016 23:54

Ah well - sounds like you were incompatible. Onwards! Smile

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:55

He knows I have routines that keep me 'sane'. For him to just turn up without warning knocks my whole evening out of synch, and worse, affects the next few days. The shaking won't stop till tomorrow, and it'll probably cause a relapse due the the extra stress, and he knows that things affect me like this. So for him to decide to do it anyway is pretty thoughtless, albeit with thoughtful intention. He did what he wanted to do, and yes, what he may like in a similar situttion, but it was 100% wrong for me and guaranteed to cause distress. We have talked about my issues more than enough for him to know this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 31/05/2016 23:56

Tinkly - yes, cake was deposited on doormat as he scarpered....I'll chuck you some over.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 31/05/2016 23:59

hope u feel better tomorrow op

i know exactly how u feel i cant stand people turning up unannounced it gives me panic attacks

my fil turned up once as a surprise-i dont think he knows how bad i am so not his fault but i couldnt cope and ran out crying

he doesnt live near so he stayed i calmed down eventually but sort of hinted that i dont like surprises

GinBunny · 01/06/2016 00:07

Anxiety/depression is so hard to understand when you're the other side of the fence. It sounds like he was trying to be nice, though misguided. Can you use this as a real example of how you feel and how he can act in the future? If you do want to continue with the relationship and think you can move on from this it might be the perfect time to talk about boundaries.

WriteforFun1 · 01/06/2016 00:19

On a different note, what is it with boyfriends wanting to make cake? They always seem to see this as vital for relationship development.

PreciousVagine · 01/06/2016 00:20

I would be annoyed too. There's a difference between a nice guy and a "nice guy". A nice guy remembers your boundaries and respects them. A "nice guy" does romcom things, expects a worshipping for it and is all sulky and insulted when he doesn't get the swooning response he expects. I'd pop this guy in the second category.

SilverBirchWithout · 01/06/2016 00:21

It does sound like you are not in a position to have normal relationships at the moment.

Poor chap.

HooseRice · 01/06/2016 00:22

You're just not that into him it seems.

Original poster
Oldisthenewblack · 01/06/2016 00:37

PreciousVagine - I did feel that his response was a bit sulky. Someone upthread mentioned panic - this is exactly what I felt when he turned up - like I was about to have a panic attack. Even now, there's been no text to ask if I'm ok after the shock and acknowledgment that it can't have been good for me. I think it's that, and a few other things, that tell me it's not going to work. I've never felt he took the anxiety seriously. Possibly because he's the complete opposite.

Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 01/06/2016 02:48

Flowers OP, I think maybe you need a break from dating. Anxiety is a difficult thing to follow, even if someone's had it themselves.

Weird question, but what does he do for a living? Some people are better than others at reading between the lines.

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 01/06/2016 05:02

I thought you'd get stick because the nice man came bearing gifts.

Yanbu. Nice people do what actually helps you, they don't force their ideas of what should help you onto you because it makes them feel good. They also listen and no boundaries should be challenged unilaterally.
It doesn't matter what your boundaries are, you could ban breathing through the left nostril, you have clearly defined your needs to safeguard your wellbeing. If he loves breathing through both nostrils then his choices are not continue an incompatible pairing or say 'I love lefty what can we do about that?', there's no third option of randomly turning up and breathing at you while chucking a cake in so you can't be mad, because that would still be a dick move.

You appear to think he's nice. I think being overbearing (in anyone) is a really good indicator of selfishness. I don't want to only be listened to or have my feelings/self respected when I'm doing what they think is right or be faced with that overbearing attitude until I do what they want. Which is what happens with overbearing people - drip, drip, drip pita until it's too much trouble to resist or just an absolute refusal to acknowledge your statement and continuing with their own. No thanks.
I'm not saying he's a bastard. He had to choose though and didn’t choose to prioritise your health or happiness over his fauxmance tingles. How important are your feelings do you think if completely contradicting you is appropriately recompensed with a cake? I know you thought you had a right to be respected but not if there's a man with cake, if he invades your personal space in a physically injurious way you're actually meant to make him coffee and be really grateful, his penis means he can't possibly understand he's being inappropriate Hmm such bullshit.

Glad I know better men than some mumsnetters.

Spring2016 · 01/06/2016 05:36

YANBU in not liking people turning up unannounced and uninvited.
Sounds like he doesn't understand the severity of your anxiety disorder.
It takes very special type of person to be able to deal with somebody that has a lot of problems.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 01/06/2016 05:49

Sounds like a lucky escape for both of you. I don't know anybody with anxiety or issues so if a friend said they were having a bad day I'd also potentially drop by with a cake/chocs/ready mixed G&T/bubble bath. But I'd drop and run and leave them to it. One or two friends have done it for me and it was a lovely gesture that cheered me up.

I don't like people just dropping by either - my house is too messy for for spontaneity! But don't lose sight of the fact that for the rest of the world this was a nice thing to do, not the deliberately-planned-to-flout-your-boundaries act of a 'bastard'.

shrunkenhead · 01/06/2016 05:50

I think he just genuinely didn't get it and honestly thought what he did would help. You might feel he should get it by now, as you say you've had lengthy chats about it however it is hard to believe someone wouldn't want a good friend to come round/cheer them up etc etc and I know I've made that same mistake before thinking I was being a "good supportive friend". Sometimes people get things wrong. I don't think he meant to and feel a bit sorry for him tbh. I guess you just need to explain that when you say you don't want visitors you mean it. He also was probably worried about you and wanted to see for himself that you were ok.