AIBU regarding people (one in particular!) just turning up?

[Oldisthenewblack]

AIBU to expect people to respect my boundaries in regards to coming round to my home? Tonight, the man I am (or was, after tonight...) seeing simply rocks up on my doorstep. No warning. No prior communication to check it was ok, or convenient. I had literally just got in (just before 8pm), I was exhausted, hungry and considering which tablet would best get me to sleep tonight.

Doesn't sound like the crime of the century, I realise, but due to a combination of medical issues (M.E. and depression/anxiety) I am unable to deal with unexpected situations well and any situations that cause an adrenalin surge can cause me to relapse. He is well aware of my issues, and I've made it clear to him that he should never just turn up unannounced. Tonight, he did just that. My reaction was not great, but it was the shock! I just said "You can't fucking do this!" (I know, I know...) I just couldn't believe that he had disregarded everything I'd ever said about my boundaries and what I can and can't cope with. Whereupon he turned tail and left. I'm still shaking. Any kind of stress is really bad for my M.E and can take until the next day for the shakes to stop.

What's made it worse was the text he sent later about how I'd made it clear that it was "all his fault". But.....eh? He made the decision, judged it wise, despite knowing my issues with anxiety, etc, and yet....it's partly my fault? I feel very, very sad that I'm not 'normal' - I have to deal with this every day of my fucking life. I just can't deal with life very well, though I do my best. I'm sad on one level that I wasn't able to do what others do, invite him in, etc, but my boundaries had been crossed and it sent me into a downward spiral.

I'm just wondering if other people, with or without anxiety and other issues, would feel the same (although not possibly react the same!) if their boundaries had been pushed like this?

Apologies for rambling - I'm still really shaken up.

I agree with wombat, golden and skunk. I think he meant well and sadly misjudged. He thought he would cheer you up, which does minimise your symptoms and quite rightly angers you. He clearly doesn't get the impact of your illness. I think his visit came from a good if not thought through place. Don't feel guilty, you did warn him but if he is a good guy maybe give it a few days then have a NO SURPRISES conversation.

I think I understand from your posts that what you had said to him was that you had a strict regime that could not at any costs be disturbed, or something to that effect. And you had not said exactly that you did not want him to come unexpectedly? If that's the case, I'm afraid I think you owe him an apology. Not that you should have let him in but I don't think you should have spoken to him like that. I'm imagining how id feel if I was shouted and sworn at in these circs. I also wonder about your texts to him about your depression... That's a lot to put on someone early in a relationship and is going to have an emotional effect on him as well. Having had a depressed partner I can tell you it's very gruelling. So I guess maybe if you want to keep relationship light and maintain separate lives maybe think about your actions as well as the other person's?

I also disagree with others that you should pursue this person or give him another chance. I think you need to get to a place where you don't shout and swear at another person when they do something unexpected. (Because unexpected things WILL happen in relationships.) I sympathise with your problems but it's not something any partner should have to go through,

Regardless of health etc - I find it really rude when people just show up at your home. My FI and I are really private people and neither or us understand it. We actually turned his parents away on Monday evening when they showed up at 20:30 in the evening despite the fact that we've both been ill (I'd been in hospital over the weekend and we've both been in bed with flu), they're not welcome in our home but that's a whole other story and they didn't phone, text, anything to say they were even thinking about coming in where we'd have reminded them they're not welcome and regardless we were in no position for visitors!

It sounds like this guy just isn't for you…eat the cake…always makes things better :)

Thanks everyone for all your responses - it does help

To those who suggested that it was rather heavy stuff, my anxiety issues, etc, at such an early stage in the relationship - I must make it clear that I was upfront with him as anything else would have been misleading him. I emphasised the seriousness of it, that it wasn't just 'feeling a bit down' and he was adamant that he wanted to know everything about me, my illnesses etc, as he could handle it and (oh god) he wanted to 'help'. So I was open with him about how it affects me and what sends me into a blind panic (people just bloody turning up!) and the things that negatively affect my mental health.

I frequently felt terribly guilty about how I couldn't do normal things and would have totally understood if he'd have said it was too much for him and he had to walk away. But he was 'in it for the long haul', he made that clear. Which is why I just can't get my head around what he did.

KC225 - yes, it minimises my symptoms and, having been in an abusive relationship previously where my feelings were often minimised, this had the effect of sending me a bit crazy. I used to spend so much time justifying how I felt, it led to a breakdown. And now, after having attempted to lay everything on the line from the beginning, to have my feelings and needs so monumentally ignored just put me back in that space.

Yanbu.

I absolutely hate people turning up unannounced. I also find it stressful. I'm probably in my pyjamas and the house is a mess.

rwilkinson84 - They turned up at 8.30?? That's madness. Good on you for turning them away - that's not what you need at any time but when you've been ill, you really need space to recover. I think mane people allow unexpected visitors in due to the guilt factor. Sod that

Orda1 - I had in fact, just put my pyjamas on! Also just put my tea in the oven, as was starving. And then, due to surging stress hormones, totally lost my appetite

PreciousVagine Wed 01-Jun-16 00:20:54
I would be annoyed too. There's a difference between a nice guy and a "nice guy". A nice guy remembers your boundaries and respects them. A "nice guy" does romcom things, expects a worshipping for it and is all sulky and insulted when he doesn't get the swooning response he expects. I'd pop this guy in the second category.

I actually agree with this. OP's posts do suggest that the chap's text have been sulky, there's an attempt to lay blame on her, and no asking if she's okay after his actions.

The cake is a red herring. Or rather, a prop that some posters here seem to think should be the thing that means the chap can override OP's previously stated boundaries. "He brought cake so he must have meant well."

There's a difference between a nice guy and a "nice guy". A nice guy remembers your boundaries and respects them. A "nice guy" does romcom things, expects a worshipping for it and is all sulky and insulted when he doesn't get the swooning response he expects. I'd pop this guy in the second category.

This. "But he was being romantic!" But such a gesture is not romantic to you OP, as should have been obvious. He was doing it for himself, so he could act out the romcom hero scene he's got in his head. And you didn't play along as his leading lady so now he is pissed off.

Also I find it funny how you were unanimously NBU until you mentioned the cake and then the whole thread flipped. So he brought a bloody cake. Does it really change things that much?

Xpost with raspberry!

Raspberry - yes, no texts today asking how I am. He knows I am quite a 'nice' person, and if he has any sense at all he will know that my reaction was not necessarily to him, but to the fact that he arrived without prior notice. I would never willingly hurt someone or belittle a thoughtful gesture. His text to me last night started with: "Ok, I think we are done now". So, he effectively ended it. All because he chose to do something I'd asked him not to. And he said he would never turn up unannounced! Fuck! So much for trust.

ClarkeyCat - yes, seen from a distance without any knowledge of underlying issues, what a lovely gesture! But not at all romantic when his pursuing of his needs overrides my mental health needs. His text ended with "Goodbye". Yes, it reads to me as sulky. Given the benefit of the doubt, he's probably hurt and upset - fine, I get that, but he brought it on himself by doing something stupid. And for all his lip service to understanding my needs and not wanting to make me feel worse, he's gone and done EXACTLY that.

And I live in a block of flats - there are two intercoms to go through before getting into the building. Neither rang. He must have hung around both doors for someone else going through or bribed the concierge!! That's why when the knock came at the door, I presumed it was a neighbour.

I have no relevant health issues, and don't like people turning up any old time.
As you have made is clear that unannounced visits are not welcome, he was bang out of order

I dunno. With the update about the fact he brought a cake after hearing you were depressed, it sounds like he was just trying to be nice (even though he clearly doesn't understand depression).

ClarkeyCat - you're right about the cake skewing everyone's perceptions!! Next time I want to shout obscenities* at someone and reduce them to a quivering wreck, I'll remember to offer them a cake afterwards as that'll make it all ok.....

*no, I don't really do this....

"Goodbye." Ugh, drama. The door thing is really a bit much as well. What a performance. Sounds like you are well rid

Yeah what is it with this cake thing? Everyone's cakematised!

OP you have a concierge? I guess you could ask them what happened there, that's a bit weird for someone to get through two intercoms...then again if it's busy you just walk in behind someone else I guess?

WriteforFun1 - I may do that later when I'm home. The problem is that it will be a different shift to last night. What would he have done if I wasn't in? Now I'm wondering if he was hanging around outside in his car just watching for me! Dear god....but hey, he brought cake so it's all ok, right??

I also wonder about people who drop by, don't they worry you won't be in? I don't live round the corner from any friends or family though and it's not the kind of area they would want to pop into so that's another thing I guess.

He lives quite a way from me so must've drove at least 40 minutes to get to mine. All without knowing whether I'd be in or not. He did something else a few weeks ago that put me out, something I'd specifically asked him not to do, but he did it anyway as he felt it was the right thing to do. Ostensibly, a very caring gesture but one nevertheless that I'd specifically asked him not to do.

I don't think the cake makes a difference. I actually also don't think the anxiety or depression makes a difference. I think whether he was told explicitly not to come uninvited makes a difference. If he was told not to come and he came, he's in the wrong. If he was not told this in terms... I don't think anxiety/depression is an excuse for shouting or swearing at him (if that's what happened). It would however have been appropriate to refuse to let him in or see him. But I'm uncomfortable with the idea that the fact of having MH problems means that you get to treat people according to different standards than everyone else. By the same token, if you tell someone not to come to your house and they come, it doesn't make it better if you don't have MH problems, or worse if you do.

nobilityobliges - it wasn't so much that I shouted or swore at HIM, it was a reaction to the total shock of seeing him on my doorstep. I said "you can't fucking do this!" and what I meant was - you can't just turn up like this when I've explicitly told you not to. It doesn't sound great, yes, a swear word was used but I was in no fit state to express myself articulately. He is aware that when I'm under stress I can't express myself.

I do not use my mental health issues as an excuse to treat people differently. Where did you get that from? I treat people with respect and politeness. I expect the same back. My reaction to him was pure frustration that he disregarded my explicit stated needs.