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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want dd's father to work away for 2 years?

37 replies

viviennewestood · 31/05/2016 18:12

My ex, dd's dad, had been asked to work in the middle east on a 2 year contract. The pay is very good and he would be able to come back every 3 months or so but dd is not even 2 yet and I just think he would be missing out on so much. AIBU?

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 31/05/2016 18:16

YABU- you don't get to dictate what your ex does.

Plenty of couples who are still together decide to sacrifice family time in the short term in order to earn well on a short term contract like this.

Your DD won't be missing out massively, it's just her life will be a bit different to many of her peers.

EatShitDerek · 31/05/2016 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwfulBeryl · 31/05/2016 18:20

Of course you're not bu to not want him to go. It pretty much means you're responsible for your dd for the next 2 years. I agree that they will both miss out too, even if other people do it.

Obviously there is nothing you can do about it, but your not bu to feel the way you do.

Crisscrosscranky · 31/05/2016 18:20

YABU - you're not together anymore so you can't dictate where he works.

You're right - he will miss out but as another poster said your DD wont know any different so she will not and that should be your only concern.

Original poster

viviennewestood · 31/05/2016 18:22

I don't wish to dictate what he does and I haven't told him I feel this way but I want him to be sure about this in case he regrets it. It's not mandatory

OP posts:

NeedACleverNN · 31/05/2016 18:22

Sorry yabu

He is your ex and it's his choice if he wants to miss out on his Dd

Bearbehind · 31/05/2016 18:23

Him regretting it is no longer your concern though

blueskyinmarch · 31/05/2016 18:25

Lots of kids have parents who work away for periods (thinking of Forces here or riggers). They seem to manage fine. If he sees her for good chunks of time every three months he won’t miss out too much and may be able to provide for her well as she gets older.

AndNowItsSeven · 31/05/2016 18:26

At least he will be able to provide for her propertly.

ThatStewie · 31/05/2016 18:27

I assume he will be increasing his child maintenance to reflect his newly highly paying job.

I do think this is something that you should discuss together. You can't just decide to spend 2 years working in New York without your kid. People would be all over you for dumping your kid on him without consultation. Massive double standard here.

Cutecat78 · 31/05/2016 18:28

My OH is forces he's away about 4 months of every year. He works the other end of the country from his kids.

We see and have his kids more than my ex has mine and he lives 4 miles down the road.

YABU

AwfulBeryl · 31/05/2016 18:30

I agree Stewie.

I have a friend who did this, he thinks it's ok because he Skye's his dd. What a dick. Obviously his ex couldn't dictate what he did, but it's a silly thing to do if you want a relationship with your dc.

You're dd probably won't remember him leaving, which means she won't remember him. Every 3 months isn't that long to see a parent.

civilfawlty · 31/05/2016 18:30

What about the OP's right to expect help raising her child with her Ex? Why does he not have a responsibility to stay and raise his daughter?

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 18:32

Yanbu to feel the way you do. And it's not something I would choose to do. But it's not your decision and it won't effect your Dd too much in the long term.

Hodooooooooor · 31/05/2016 18:34

He's your ex. What is it to you whether he regrets it or not?

AwfulBeryl · 31/05/2016 18:36

Because it has a huge impact on her life Hodor. (Sorry about the lack of ooooo )
There is nothing the op can do about it, but she should be able to be annoyed about it. I know I would be.

Nuggy2013 · 31/05/2016 18:36

My DH works away, 4 weeks away and 4 at home. My DD is nearly 3 and I'm expecting DC2. YANBU to feel the way you do but YABU to potentially ask him not to. It's not easy, my DD doesn't know any different but still struggles to deal FaceTime/Skype etc. If you have a good relationship with him, maybe have a chat re: expectations b cause there's nothing harder than a toddler asking for their daddy and explaining they can't see him due to time zone differences/internet being rubbish etc

GinandJag · 31/05/2016 18:37

You have to look at the positives of his new job, not the negatives.

Hodooooooooor · 31/05/2016 18:38

Because it has a huge impact on her life Hodor

Then she should say so, and not dress it up with faux concern for the ex and how he might feel.

Original poster

viviennewestood · 31/05/2016 19:01

Just because he's my ex doesn't mean I don't care about him - we have a child together. It's not 'faux concern'

OP posts:

fiorentina · 31/05/2016 19:13

I don't see why some people are being so negative with you. You're concerns for your DD and her relationship with her dad. Presuming he's quite involved at the moment it will make a difference to you both and your DD will miss out on visits from her dad and you will presumably miss some support/child free time. If he needs to do this career wise and it is beneficial it's a very tricky decision for him but ultimately is up to him I guess?

ThatStewie · 31/05/2016 19:18

The comparisons with families who make a decision together are irrelevant to this. They have no bearing in a discussion where one parent makes a decision that will severely impact their ex-partner & child. They are NOT the same thing.

Hodooooooooor · 31/05/2016 19:18

I don't see why some people are being so negative with you. You're concerns for your DD and her relationship with her dad.

Except she says it isn't, her concern is with him and his feelings.

WomanActually · 31/05/2016 19:20

I don't think YABU to be annoyed, but you can't stop him. I guess all you can do is prepare and discuss plans to minimise any potential upset for dd.

The replies are a lot different to a thread not long ago where a mum was considering going to Asia for three months as part of her studying, she got a pasting, why did she have children if she was gonna leave them, her children should come before her career, her dd will think she's dead and grieve, her dd won't know who she is, she can't love her or she'd not be thinking about it etc etc, based on the replies so far it seems, there doesn't seem to be the same anger at your ex. (I dont agree working away automatically makes someone a shit parent btw, just found it weird how a Mum going away for three months generated a lot of anger from posters but a dad going away and only seeing his dd every three months doesn't.)

Bearbehind · 31/05/2016 19:28

You're concerns for your DD and her relationship with her dad

But they're not though.

The post even said she's concerned about him missing out, not her DD.

It's fair enough to discuss how this would work in reality but whether or not he has regrets or will 'miss out' is not the OP's concern.

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