To not want dd's father to work away for 2 years?

[viviennewestood]

My ex, dd's dad, had been asked to work in the middle east on a 2 year contract. The pay is very good and he would be able to come back every 3 months or so but dd is not even 2 yet and I just think he would be missing out on so much. AIBU?

Oh come on Hodor, this isn't a blood sport.
It is easy to read between the lines a bit. By saying he would miss out on a relationship with his daughter, I took it to mean that dd would miss out too, because the issues within a relationship effect all the people in it.

womanactually I didn't see the thread you mentioned but I disagree with the principle a woman is a bad mother for considering that.

Not all cultures believe the best thing for a child is to be with their parents as much as possible.

I work with people from different countries who genuinely believe the best thing they can do for their children is work away in order to be able to afford the best education etc- there's nothing wrong with that- it's just people's choices.

Yanbu.
But sadly you can decide how the other parent treats the child. He's basically opting out of parenting and neglecting her for some money.
I think you should explain the effect this will have on her but there's not much you can do unfortunately.

WomanActually, I thought of that thread too when I saw this.
Very different responses here.

It would be hard if he left for so long. He would miss out on a lot of time with your dd and it's sad she wouldn't see him.

It's not your decision and it may be a great opportunity for your ex, but if I were you I probably wouldn't want him to go either.

If I had an ex who did this, I'd be really pissed off because:

1. Why should I be responsible for almost 100% of the child rearing, possibly having a big impact on my earning potential/career?

and

1. I would be concerned that my DD would miss out on a relationship with her father and it would have an adverse effect on her.

However, I would not be concerned about the effect it would have on him - I would consider he was old enough to think about that sort of thing for himself.

Of course my main concern here is how this will impact dd, I assumed that was implied. I posted because I worry about the decision he's making and subsequently how it will affect him as dd's dad, their relationship and as a result - how it will affect dd's upbringing.

I don't want her to forget her dad and I don't want her missing out on quality time with him. She gets so excited at the weekend when she sees him and I worry that will all be ruined.

As for me, yes it will be really tough doing it all on my own but I can manage. I have no other support apart from my ex so it would mean that I would be completely alone but my main concern there is that dd will be sick of me and want her dad.

It's just so confusing. We're giving a proper chat about it when I see him at the weekend but until then I wanted to see how other people would react in this situation.

having not giving**

My ex did this when our son was 15 months, and tbh I've never really got my head around it. But he basically left to work in a party resort for 8 months, looking after other peoples kids all day and sending me £50 a month, at best. Laughable, really. I let him get on with it at the time, but looking back now, I think I lost a bit of respect for him. Your ex seems to have a real opportunity, in a real job, and perhaps it's worth it. If he can provide more for her and will spend quality time with her when he is home, then I'm sure you can make it work. What happens if he changes his mind after 3 months? Can he come home? Maybe you can go and visit him a couple of times? But YANBU to want him to stay.

I think some posters are giving you an unnecessarily hard time OP. I think it is lovely that you are concerned about what he will miss out on and I. Turn what your dd will miss.

I think you need to sit down with your ex and discuss the implications. Including the fact that you won't have any assistance with raising your dd. He needs to amend the amount of maintenance he is paying you - especially if his decision means you will need to use additional childcare for work etc when he would normally had her.

There are ways for both to keep in touch, FaceTime (my 2.9 yo can use mine better than me!), Skype, Facebook etc. You could get her to draw pictures to send to him. What about doing a scrapbook of his time away, pictures etc of activities, firsts etc. It will be fun for you and a lovely moment I for her to talk through with him when he gets back.

Honestly she won't miss too much as she is too young. He will miss lots of her development, but depending on how involved he is now that might not be any more than he would without going.

Is there a middle ground...can he go for 6 months and see how it goes? Does he have the option to renege and come back if he finds he is missing out to much?

I have made several career sacrifices because I am a parent. If I had swanned off for 3 months, my DC would have ended up in care. That's a responsibility you accept if you have DC.

Now it would be different if I had a willing and suitable partner able to pick up the slack in my absence. I'd still have to weigh up the pros and cons about how such an absence would affect my DC and my relationship with them, but if the pros outweighed the cons, it may still have been worth doing.

What you don't do as a decent parent, however, is unilaterally assume that the other parent will happily pick up the slack in your absence without consultation first.

YANBU.

My DH is working away right now and we are all really struggling with it (a 4.5 and a 1 year old, well, the 1 year old is not struggling with it as much, bykwim).

Everyone always minimises the impact of this, and says things like: "oh well, at least there's Skype" etc. But the reality of Skype and the phone is unfortunately really stilted crap conversations, trying to convince my DD to speak to her dad when she is otherwise distracted, and endless technical difficulties and and sound quality. Adults can get around this (just) but kids really find it difficult to have proper communication. We don;t have a time difference, either, but that would make it even worse.

After we do see him in person on his visits home, I have to deal with the fallout, and my DD has meltdowns everyday for several days after. It hits her hard, but she can't really articulate it. Just now she keeps asking me how any people are in our family.

Then there is me. I know rationally that we made the choice we had to make (i.e. It wasn't really a choice), but I am literally getting no time off parenting. Surely that would be true for you too, and you don't have a say in it? I think this would be very tough on you, and will not aid collaborative parenting in the future at all. It's a big, big decision, and I'm not sure why people are saying it's nothing to do with you. Are you not entitled to at least discuss the ramifications of this with your DD's dad?