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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore X-H and DD(12)

71 replies

Cheeseinthetrap · 31/05/2016 15:30

I recently wrote about letting DD(12) go off to Paris with X-H for half term.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2644484-To-make-DD-go-camping-instead-of-with-X-H

I knew I should have said no but against my better judgment I let her go. X-H went nc with our twins when they were around 2 and got back into contact 3 years ago after moving back to London.

To his credit he has tried to really build a relationship with them, it worked with DS and they're relatively close but his relationship with DD is non existent, she really can't stand him.

Without informing me X- H went and booked once in a life time concert tickets for this Thursday in Paris and chose to make a week of it so he could try and bond with DD, she already had plans, which I had to cancel & then change DS' plans for this week as well.

They left on Friday and I have had non stop phone calls/texts from the both of them. DD12 has been the child from hell this weekend, she refused to speak at all on the journey there & hasn't stepped foot outside the hotel room, she's been glued to her phone & just down right rude, she's just called in tears because X-H has threatened not to let her go to the concert on Thursday if she doesn't start enjoying the trip, he sadly doesn't know her well enough to know that that tactic simply won't work, she'll either just be horrid outside the hotel or decide she won't go at all, he's tried & miserably failed to take away her phone.

I tried to warn them about this trip but I was railroaded and now I'm sick of playing referee from another country, am I BU to just put them on mute/completely ignore them & enjoy this week with DS

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 31/05/2016 15:37

YANBU. I would give him a couple of tips on how to handle his DD - which you know work - then mute your phone. He organised the trip, they are his children too, so he can manage any fall out.

May make him think twice in future about planning things without checking their diaries with you first.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2016 15:43

YADNBU!
Ignore them both and let them get on with it.
Wake up call for your Ex! Shame

springydaffs · 31/05/2016 15:43

Well, I'm glad he's suffering the hot coals of abandoning his daughter - but I'm sorry your daughter is suffering the hot coals, too.

I don't blame her for hating his guts. He has to suck it up imo. Dog house ad infinitum - or as long as it takes.

And no he can't be throwing his parental weight around. He gave up that privilege and shouldn't expect it back just because he's her biological father.

GoblinLittleOwl · 31/05/2016 16:55

No sympathy.
You should have done the right thing; made her honour her previous commitments.
Why is she being so dreadful? She's got her own way?
She sounds a charmer.

PinkSnowAndStars · 31/05/2016 17:09

I can see why she's upset. But your ex has a point! Why should he take her to the concert if she's acted so badly all week?

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 31/05/2016 17:12

Goblin, she can be a right little madam, when she's in the mood & her dad just permanently puts her in a mood. She'll most likely be tolerable on Thursday and dreadful until then, I couldn't risk her hating Scouts as she's certainly the type to cut her nose off to spite her face.

I have no sympathy for either of them, I'm going to text him some survival tips and then ignore them both

OP posts:

springydaffs · 01/06/2016 11:05

She's 12

She needs you to protect her, surely? Even if that means protecting her from herself.

bloodyteenagers · 01/06/2016 11:12

Did she actually want to go?

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 01/06/2016 11:36

Bloody, I wouldn't have let her go if she didn't want to, she was essentially bribed with concert tickets & she made it her goal in life to make me let her go.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 01/06/2016 11:36

I think its sad, her father trying to make amends. I know what he did was awful, no excuse but at least he is trying now to have a relationship with his daughter. I would tell my dd to stop being a spoilt brat and least try act like a decent, polite person on this holiday her father paid out for it.

ReginaBlitz · 01/06/2016 11:40

Yep she needs to grow up, she wanted to go and she is spitting herself by refusing to make the most of the trip. Tell him to take the phone off her, at 12 she shouldn't be glued to her phone but having fun how sad.

bloodyteenagers · 01/06/2016 11:42

Bribery isn't really wanting to go though.

kali110 · 01/06/2016 11:43

I sort of agree with rebecca.
Xh can't expect her to just come round after abondoning them, but she wanted to go to this concert, has been taken to paris and is now being a spoilt little madam to him is really ungrateful.
If she hated him this much then she should have sAid no to the concert, not agreed and be this awful as it could be ruining it for her brother too.
What happens if xh decides after this it's too much hassle trying to repair his relationship with dd?

Somerville · 01/06/2016 11:48

she needs to grow up

Umm, she's twelve. This sounds like entirely typical behaviour for a 12 year old. She obviously feels very hurt by her father's actions, and she's expressing that hurt in a way that is far from ideal. But few 12 year olds would have the maturity to deal with this in a heathy way.

Personally, I'd keep your phone on to talk to her if she needs you, OP. I'd be worried about him dealing with her really badly and her doing something impulsive like running away. I'd also tell him not to take her phone off her for the same reason.

I'd also tell him to patiently be there for her, accepting all the shit she throws at him, and not threatening her. She'll warm up eventually (maybe on this trip, maybe later) if he's patient and loving.

Somerville · 01/06/2016 11:51

She's blatantly acting like a brat on purpose. To drive him away if he's not really in this for the long haul this time round.

Can't say I blame her.

dowhatnow · 01/06/2016 11:51

Tbh I'd be telling her that she made the choice to go therefore she'd better make the most if it and stop being so unreasonable. I'd be telling her I'm supporting her dads decision to not take her to the concert if she doesn't stop ruining it for the others.

It would be a different kettle of fish if she'd been reluctant to go in the first place.

Pinkheart5915 · 01/06/2016 11:51

Her father is trying to make amends and I think that's a good thing. At 12 I would expect better behaviour. Paris is gorgeous and she is there with a dad that wants to give her a nice time and she's spoiling it for herself.

When she returns maybe don't insist on her seeing her dad if she doesn't want to but tell her if she wants to see him any time then she just has to say. Maybe in time as she sees how well your ds gets on with his dad she will change her mind.
Have you ever considered some talking therapy for her?

paxillin · 01/06/2016 11:53

Just read your earlier thread. Text to XH: you wanted her there all week against my advice. Please parent your DD yourself. Text to DD: All hell broke lose when I told you you can't go. You have what you wanted, I expect you to behave. Ignore the calls.

dowhatnow · 01/06/2016 11:54

I'd also talk to Xh and tell him to go easy on her and that she's hurting inside so needs patience and understanding.

Two pronged attack.

Tiggeryoubastard · 01/06/2016 11:57

Springy, letting her go was my way of protecting her from herself. If I'd refused, she would have gone out of her way to stop doing anything that remotely made her happy just to punish me. My choices were to let her go & hope she bonded with X-H or let her stay & watch her ruin all the good work she's done over the year.
She's 12 and she's this manipulative? And you allow it and pander to it? That's really shocking. She sounds bad enough now but she will be an utterly vile adult unless you stop giving her her own way in response to this awful behaviour all the time.

paxillin · 01/06/2016 12:03

It sounds like she's trying to give him a taste of the toddler years he worked so hard to avoid. Serves him right.

It won't do her any favour in the long run, she will regret being so petulant on this trip for a long time when she comes home and her friends ask her have you seen x, did you go to y, I loved z when I was in Paris. She will then either have to lie or admit she stropped like a toddler in the hotel room all week.

VimFuego101 · 01/06/2016 12:04

I agree with paxilin. She does need to behave, regardless of the fact her dad sounds like an idiot, and she was the one who wanted to go.

springydaffs · 01/06/2016 12:11

Paris is gorgeous

Entirely lost on most 12yo's I imagine

Tigger. I wonder how old your kids are. Or maybe they've passed through that hellish stage without incident - lucky you. Please don't think for one minute it was down to your parenting, you were just lucky it might come out in their 40s

Haven't read your previous thread op but she's acting out for a variety of reasons; at least one entirely legitimate: the abandonment by her father. IMO (and e), the best we can do is manage hellish times like this with our kids - and wait for them to pass. Boundaries, yes, but pick your battles - you'll lose most of them. You just keep plodding on and hope they'll emerge decent human beings - eventually.

Tiggeryoubastard · 01/06/2016 12:15

Mine are in their 20's. My youngest did try this on at about 6. We didn't indulge in this way.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/06/2016 12:17

I have some experience of a similar situation.

She's pushing her dad as hard as she can to see if he'll go NC again. 'If I behave in the most bratty way possible, will he disappear, or does he actually mean all the things he's said about being here for me now.'

Unfortunately, in my own dad's case, he didn't and three hours of bratty behaviour in a restaurant were enough to make him disappear for another five years...

I don't have any advice. But she's entitled to her feelings even if the way she's expressing them leaves something to be desired.

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