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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ignore X-H and DD(12)

71 replies

Cheeseinthetrap · 31/05/2016 15:30

I recently wrote about letting DD(12) go off to Paris with X-H for half term.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2644484-To-make-DD-go-camping-instead-of-with-X-H

I knew I should have said no but against my better judgment I let her go. X-H went nc with our twins when they were around 2 and got back into contact 3 years ago after moving back to London.

To his credit he has tried to really build a relationship with them, it worked with DS and they're relatively close but his relationship with DD is non existent, she really can't stand him.

Without informing me X- H went and booked once in a life time concert tickets for this Thursday in Paris and chose to make a week of it so he could try and bond with DD, she already had plans, which I had to cancel & then change DS' plans for this week as well.

They left on Friday and I have had non stop phone calls/texts from the both of them. DD12 has been the child from hell this weekend, she refused to speak at all on the journey there & hasn't stepped foot outside the hotel room, she's been glued to her phone & just down right rude, she's just called in tears because X-H has threatened not to let her go to the concert on Thursday if she doesn't start enjoying the trip, he sadly doesn't know her well enough to know that that tactic simply won't work, she'll either just be horrid outside the hotel or decide she won't go at all, he's tried & miserably failed to take away her phone.

I tried to warn them about this trip but I was railroaded and now I'm sick of playing referee from another country, am I BU to just put them on mute/completely ignore them & enjoy this week with DS

OP posts:

whois · 01/06/2016 15:17

Just read your earlier thread. Text to XH: you wanted her there all week against my advice. Please parent your DD yourself. Text to DD: All hell broke lose when I told you you can't go. You have what you wanted, I expect you to behave. Ignore the calls.

This.

Kimononono · 01/06/2016 15:24

I hope your ex has the big enough balls to realise this is ALL his own fault.

Your dd is incredibly wounded by her fathers shit involvement and I think she is just acting her age.

I'd ignore both. This is not your fault

Somerville · 01/06/2016 15:42

Princessmi12 Thank you for your condolences. No, life isn't fair.

I've had days where I'm overwhelmed and don't want to talk to other people, so I don't consider that to be be behaving like a spoiled brat when my kids do it. It means I need to be there for them as soon as they feel they can talk.

It's also very natural for this generation to be glued to their phone when upset - they get support from their friends via text, or distract themselves with games. I don't like that personally - mine haven't had smart phones aged 12, but I still feel it's within normal for the age group - it's the kind of thing I hear my friends moaning about with their kids.

My idea of normal isn't distorted but we'll have to agree to disagree.

springydaffs · 01/06/2016 15:59

Keely

What an absolute shit

springydaffs · 01/06/2016 16:00

That was supposed to be caps -

What an absolute SHIT

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 01/06/2016 16:34

Just caught up on the thread, just a few points to clear up.

1: DS wasn't invited, he has learning difficulties which make travelling with him very difficult, but he thankfully didn't care.

2: It's a Kpop concert/convention, so it's different Korean music groups that she'd never get to see if it wasn't for this convention coming to Europe.

I won't go NC on DD, she sounded utterly miserable this morning but has managed to step out of the hotel although her behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. She isn't a manipulative child, she just doesn't know how to effectively handle her emotions, so she acts out in ways that will harm her if it means it will also hurt someone else, so although she's miserable in a hotel room, the fact that X-h is miserable as well makes it all worthwhile.

I've sent him some tips, which were effective in getting her out of the hotel but I've said that's all I can do for him and to just manage as best as he could through the week, I'm hoping they can salvage what's left of this trip

OP posts:

MyMurphy · 01/06/2016 18:17

Out of interest, how did she hear of Kpop? Just asked my 12 year old daughter, she's never heard of it (just intrigued as Ive never heard of it either, just googled it and wondered how its been noticed in the UK)

Hulababy · 01/06/2016 18:29

MyMurphy - think it is linked to anime and that kind of thing. Think its known via YouTube here too.

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 01/06/2016 18:46

Mymurphy, she got into it through YouTube mainly, Psy with Gangnam style I think opened the doors in the UK, but she's been a hardcore fan for about 2 years now and they have a large following internationally, the group she wants to see (BTS) have around 45mil views for one music video & they're not even 1 of the biggest groups.

She's just texted that people are already queuing up for pit tickets, (saw via Twitter) even though the concert starts at 8pm tomorrow, now she's pestering X-H to go que up but he's not going before 10am tomorrow morning.

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 01/06/2016 19:50

Hang on so he hasn't actually got the tickets yet?

I also don't think she is a brat. She is a confused person in a country with a stranger.

12 year olds are all different. They all handle things differently. Even siblings.

ChasedByBees · 01/06/2016 20:13

I think threatening not to go to the concert would be the wrong thing to do. He blackmailed her into attending because of the once in a lifetime concert.

She will never forgive him if they don't go.

RaspberryOverload · 01/06/2016 20:23

My DD (16) is also into K-Pop, especially BTS. She's just said to me that if your XH isn't planning to queue until 10am tomorrow, there's little chance of getting tickets, as she follows all this, has told me all about the convention and reckons there'll be massive queues, because BTS rarely play outside of Korea and have a massive overseas following.

She's keeping her fingers crossed your DD gets tickets.

Specky4eyes · 01/06/2016 20:42

OMG!! He hasn't even got tickets. Holy shite!!!!

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 01/06/2016 20:44

No they've already got tickets but they have pit tickets, which means no allocated seat number, where you stand depends on how early you arrive, she wants to stand right by the stage, not right at the back unable to see anything.

I think she's wearing him down but he's still standing firm on his 10am rule.

I hope 10 am will be fine & they end up somewhere around the middle, it's still 10 hours of queueing up as the concert doesn't start till 8pm.

@raspberry thank your DD for me, fingers crossed it all goes well tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 01/06/2016 20:48

re-read what I wrote, I meant that people with pit tickets are already in the que as everyone else has seat numbers, not that people who wanted pit tickets were queuing up. I never would have let her go if the concert wasn't 100% guaranteed.

OP posts:

CinderellaRockefeller · 01/06/2016 21:18

Honestly, you don't want her too far down the front. I used to live in Asia and have been to a few of these concerts, it's incredibly crushed and I was 19-20, not 12!! You think it's all small delicate teenage girls but they're scary if they think you are getting between them and their idols.

Overseas fans might be different but probably older/heavier in a crush. Best off queuing from 10 and being nearer the back.

GirlSailor · 01/06/2016 21:32

OP, I'm really sad that people have called your DD spoiled, bratty and manipulative. I don't think they can understand what it feels like to be abandoned as a child. I can relate to her feelings and even though she's not being mature about them, I think her actions make perfect sense.

If I've read your threads right then their dad abandoned them at 3. Some of the feelings she will have to work through will be the feelings of a 3 year old. Then when she was 9, he came back and acted like they were on an equal footing and both have to try to make the relationship work. No, he is the adult and she is the child and he has not earned a relationship with her.

She's 12 and was offered a once in a lifetime present. This came with strings attached - that she had to spend an extended period with her dad who hurt her terribly. Because he didn't go about things properly she also had to choose between the massive gift and something else she has put a lot of time into. This was unfair and put both you and her in a horrible position.

Now she's away with him, completely alone and isn't having a good time because she doesn't have that kind of relationship with him, and he is now threatening to take away the thing he promised to get her there in the first place. He is punishing her for not behaving the way he wants her to, when he should be understanding that he has a lot to make up for.

Most 12 year olds aren't mature enough to deal with abandonment. It may take her until she's an adult, when she can look at his behaviour knowing that parents are just people, but as a child he's her dad who should always be there for her, and he left her.

I hope she enjoys the concert and it isn't all horrible for her, and that she can deal with the hurt he has caused in time. You are dealing with a very difficult situation here, and I wish you the best too.

grannytomine · 01/06/2016 22:37

Poor kid, how horrible people are to call her a brat. Just to let the smug people know my eldest is 45 and has caused me more worry in the last 4 years than in the previous 41. The easiest child, well behaved and high achieving but he is having his moment now. I think they all get you sometime, the easy baby becomes the 2 year old from hell, or the teenager from hell or the 45 year old from hell. Better to get it over with at 12 in my opinion.

Any chance she has PMT? I went on a trip with my dad when I was almost 12, the last few days were a bit of a nightmare as he got drunk and we missed a flight, I had PMT and ended up trekking round a foreign city looking for a hotel, trying to look after little brother and making dad's lift hell. Unfortunately our bags didn't miss the flight so we had no luggage with us. I was a bitch but cried myself to sleep with that end of the world feeling I used to get just before a period, all hail the menopause, and the next day wondering what to do about sorting out some sanitary towels without letting on to my dad what was going on, obviously I would have died rather than tell him what was going on.

Little did I know that 18 months later he would be dead and I would have done anything to have him back, even trek round a foreign city with no room for the night and no luggage. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I hope they work it out.

RaspberryOverload · 03/06/2016 19:57

Hi OP, My DD is hoping your DD managed to get in and got a good view. Hope it's gone/going well.

Original poster

Cheeseinthetrap · 03/06/2016 23:23

Hiya Raspberry, I have a very happy DD right now, they qued up at 6am, stood in the rain for 12 hours, then waited indoors for another 2 hours & got to be right in the middle, their were people with tents & sleeping bags etc so very lucky they got there early. She has a video of 1 artist waving at her & another smiling, she is in her words now twitter famous from posting all her videos, although her throat is very soar from all the screaming she did. The horrid week has been forgotten for now

OP posts:

RaspberryOverload · 04/06/2016 16:44

Hi Cheese Just saw your update. DD is very happy for your DD, but is also a little jealous as she'd have loved to be there Glad it came out alright in the end.

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