To make DD go camping instead of with X H

(29 Posts)
Cheeseinthetrap Mon 23-May-16 19:54:11

A little bit of backstory: X-H and I divorced 10 years ago, a year later, he moved away. We live in London and he moved to Leeds for work reasons etc, over the years he's had zero contact with our twins, DD and DS, now 12 years old, three years ago, he moved back to London and wanted to meet the twins and build a relationship with them, it worked out great with DS, they're amazingly close now but his relationship with DD is pretty much non existent.

DD can be a right little Madame, we had some real issues with her in her later primary school years and X-H's reappearance only worsened those issues, the Scouts movement have been a massive help in curbing DD's behaviour and challenging her to be better, signing her up as a Cub was the best decision ever.

She's now in Scouts and has been made a Sixer this year (it means she leads a small group) they have a massive district camp this weekend that we've known about for months, have paid for and as we're vegetarians, her scout leader has most likely done the food shop already with her in mind.

The issue is, that DD is a massive fan of Korean pop music, their are normally 2 Korean conventions that have a big concert outside of Asia once a year, these are aalways held in LA and New York/New Jersey, so no chance of DD going, but this year to celebrate Korean/French relations, their's going to be a convention in Paris on Thursday June the 2nd, without asking or even informing me, X-H went and bought convention tickets & Eurostar tickets for this Friday.

He has suprised DD this afternoon with the tickets and I've never seen her so excited, but going on Friday means she misses the camp, I've asked if they can go Monday instead and X-H has said, he's already booked tickets and hotel, it's too late to cancel and can't afford to buy new Eurostar tickets and hotel etc.

Well in that case, I've said she can't go, she already has plans etc and the blow out was not pretty.

This is pretty much a one time only thing, so I think I might be being too harsh, but I can't imagine calling her Scout Leader and letting him know she won't be there at such short notice.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Mon 23-May-16 19:57:03

It's a bit unclear, but is there anyway she could do a day at the convention, straight back and forth to the last day of camp?

PoundingTheStreets Mon 23-May-16 19:58:39

I'm not sure what I would do. I'm torn. Normally I would make my DC honour their original commitment, but for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I might make an exception if I could do so without letting anyone down or by compensating for that.

One thing is for sure though - I'd be livid with XH for presenting you with a fait accompli and making you into the bad guy.

Cheeseinthetrap Mon 23-May-16 20:02:48

GoingToBeFine, the camp is this weekend and the convention, next Thursday, so she can go to both, the issue is that the Eurostar tickets and hotel have been booked for this Friday, 5 days before the convention and X H can't afford to throw out the tickets and book new ones.

PoundingTheStreets, To DD right now, I am currently the meanest person alive angry

RedHelenB Mon 23-May-16 20:05:06

Perfect opportunity for dd to bond with her Dad so I would ring scout leader and explain - it really won't be a massive deal.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 23-May-16 20:06:54

How long is she going to France for?

GoblinLittleOwl Mon 23-May-16 20:07:40

What an absolute fool her father is, typical of a part-time father. He has successfully ruined her weekend for her. The very least he can do is attempt to get the tickets changed. The cost will make up for all those years he didn't see her.
You are quite right in saying she must stick with the existing arrangements; she has responsibilities to her group, and cubs have been good to her.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Mon 23-May-16 20:08:21

Why on earth is he taking her so early shock

Is there any way you could afford to buy her a Eurostar tickets out and out her on the train at this end and him get her at the other end. This would mean she would miss less school too.

fusspot66 Mon 23-May-16 20:10:41

I think if you ran this past the scout leader they would fully understand and encourage you to send her on the rarer event.

attheendoftheday Mon 23-May-16 20:10:57

Your ex it a twat to book tickets without discussing it first.

I would probably let her go though.

VikingVolva Mon 23-May-16 20:14:42

She won't miss school, it's half term.

Which means booking alternative travel/accommodation could be difficult (as it may sell out).

Yes, he's been a dick in double booking her. So both you and he need to sort out improvements to how you co-parent and manage DCs' diaries.

And yes, offer fulsome apologies to the Akela (and cover any costs). It's a shame, but better she stays with Cubs (I assume you meant Cubs as you said Sixer). A pity, but if scouting has been the making of her then it may be important she stays with it, something that becomes distinctly less likely if it prevents what she sees as a once in a lifetime treat.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 23-May-16 20:16:59

I assume she's going so early because school breaks up on Friday for half-term, so they're making a trip of it?

I think I would let her go with her dad, only because she had no idea it was happening and it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It's not like she was given the choice, chose camp and then changed her mind. I don't think it's fair to punish her for her dad's poor decisions, plus it will be good for her to have time alone with her dad and build a relationship.

Cheeseinthetrap Mon 23-May-16 20:17:06

GoingToBeFine, they're on half term holiday next week, so she won't be missing any school, I think he's using this as an opportunity to try and bond with her as theirs no way she would go if their was no convention, so he's trying to maximise their spending time. I'm currently searching for tickets, hoping I can find one in such short notice within my budget angry

Goblin, he won't even consider getting the tickets changed & has completely written it off as impossible 😡

Shakirasma Mon 23-May-16 20:17:32

Tbh I would let her go to Paris, there's no way she'd enjoy scout camp now anyway and the resentment she'd feel about being there could easily tarnish her whole view of scouts which would be really sad.

But I would absolutely be tearing her dad a new one. How fucking dare he think he can pull shit like this and leave you looking like the bad guy if you don't roll over. if he wants to be involved in her life then he needs to be doing so responsibly with DD's best interests at heart at all times and if he just wants to be a cool, Disney dad he can fuck off in future. You're the primary parent and he needs to be running anything like this by you first.

neonrainbow Mon 23-May-16 20:20:38

Oh yeah terrible guy trying to build a bond with his daughter. What an arsehole hmm

There will always be other opportunities to go camping.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 23-May-16 20:21:53

Tickets will cost a fortune to change - he's right there. It's half term next week so the Eurostar prices will be extortionate, especially last-minute.

I understand you're angry with him but don't punish your daughter by not letting her go to the convention - she'll never get another chance and she will massively resent you for it in the future.

PoundingTheStreets Mon 23-May-16 20:27:42

Oh yeah terrible guy trying to build a bond with his daughter. What an arsehole

Such a great dad he'd forgotten that his DD already had a prior commitment, did not bother to check that the changed plans could be accommodated by his DD's mother, and thinks nothing about teaching her that she should do as she wants and not honour any commitments.

All of that could have been avoided - and that's the whole point here.

PoundingTheStreets Mon 23-May-16 20:28:13

But I agree that she won't enjoy the camping now she knows what she'd be missing out on. sad

YumBountyChoc Mon 23-May-16 20:30:16

While it's awful of your ex to have done this I think your DD should go with her dad, as others have said you'll be the bad guy and could also put her off scouting.

Could you ask your Ex to cover the costs incurred by the Scout Leader for the camping trip? Surely that'll be cheaper than him changing his tickets.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Mon 23-May-16 20:40:18

his relationship with DD is pretty much non existent

This^ also jumped out at me. Is she really going to be happy spending such a lot of time on her own with her dad in Paris?

Cheeseinthetrap Mon 23-May-16 21:07:21

Neon, It's not his intent that's the problem, but his methods, a phone call would have let him know to book for Monday instead of Friday, but he's chosen to go off and create this situation.

GoingToBeFine, the most time she's ever spent with him is one horrid night, where I was bombarded with phone calls and she went out of her way to make DS as miserable as she was, she barely even speaks to him, the convention is the only thing in this world that would make her spend time with him, so kudos for his thinking, it's a rare opportunity, which is the only reason I'm considering letting her go.

YumBounty, I'd think he'd cover the cost but the cost isn't my concern, she's committed to the event, they've got Cubs, Beavers & Explorers all going, kids are going to be split up, with a few from each section in a small group and she's suppose to lead one of these groups, I really don't want to pull her out, especially only a few days before.

wheresthel1ght Mon 23-May-16 21:22:17

As a guide leader I would encourage any of my girls to try and build a relationship with the parent. There will be other camps but it seems like her dad has gone all out to try and find common ground with her and she should give him that chance

BrandNewAndImproved Mon 23-May-16 21:26:43

There will be other camps, there will also be someone to take her place for this one.

Let her go, its a scout camp that I presume happens every year unlike the convention.

DoreenLethal Mon 23-May-16 21:54:12

Just let her go. Stop all this fussing.

Noodledoodledoo Mon 23-May-16 22:29:19

Another Guide leader who would understand the change of plans - especially if it is a larger size camp. Personally I would say either your Ex or Daughter need to be the one to discuss this with the leader (personally I think it should be DD) but then I was made to do such things from around that age.

Agree with pp it might tarnish how she views Scouts which seems to have done her a huge favour.

What I would say is don't ask for the money back from camp if she doesn't go - by this point it is unlikely they can recoup a lot of the costs, possibly food if this hasn't been bought but for a large camp it is possible they may have done a cash and carry shop last weekend for non perishables.

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