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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off and not want to go to my birthday meal?

128 replies

Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 12:22

Had a pathetic row with DH who stormed off for the night, I assumed to a hotel. Just after he left we had some bad news which I relayed to him and then spent the rest of the (sleepless for me) night worrying about how he was processing the news and if he was ok. I had phoned and texted him to at least let me know that he was ok. Nothing.
Today he breezes in and says he was at his mums.
Things haven't always been amazing between me and his mum and recently things have been ok and we were all set to go out for a meal a few weeks from now to celebrate my birthday but now DH has run off to his mothers house after a row I feel humiliated and like I don't want to go for this meal.
I feel like his family always have to know our business (one of the things that has caused problems between me and his family) and I am a very private person who feels that as people in our 40s it's our business and no-one else.
I am also fuming with DH. He let me worry about him all night, wondering if he was ok and all the time he was putting his feet up at his mothers.
I now don't want to go out for this meal knowing that they know our problems and I don't even want to speak to him.
AIBU? FWIW the argument was a really petty one and not even about anything important.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 15:07

The Inlaws were invited because things had been much better with MIL. I worked very hard at that and it took a lot of pride-swallowing and effort on my behalf. I would much rather everyone got along than not. I don't like arguing. To whomever it was who brought it up yes I do have low self esteem.
DH loves me I have no doubt of that, but doesn't seem to like me much and will often blame me for things going wrong in life, he also seems to big himself up while running me down and if I get upset about it will say that he was joking. Except he isn't joking. I'm not actually sure reading all this why we are still together. I'm not 'quick' enough to be able to keep up with his shouting and get confused easily.
Sorry.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 15:13

That doesn't sound like love, Bodhicitta, a couple should be 'you and me against the world' when necessary, not one trying to belittle the other.

I'm sorry if I upset you earlier, it does seem as if there is much more going on behind what you posted.

I think in your position, I'd cancel the meal too and I'd tell my husband that I'm not up to making the effort with MIL at the moment because if you have to swallow pride and make enormous effort, he might as well just go and see them/her on his own.

You sound very sad, do you have some friends that you could go for a drink with and talk to about this?

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 15:16

Thank you Lying I don't think I realised how bad things really were when I first posted. I share the view that a relationship should be the two of you against the world.
I don't seem to have any real life friends any more. Moved here to be with him and now everyone seems to have gone.
Shit.

OP posts:
Griphook · 30/05/2016 15:18

And why is it that when a man is close to his Mum, she suddenly becomes known as 'Mummy' on Mumsnet?

I know the threads moved on from this, but this is so true. Such double standards

barbet · 30/05/2016 15:25

That sounds pretty awful Bod.

Do you have 20 minutes free? its just that I found this video very informative about these kind of . Stick with it if you can, it was an eye-opener for me and might talk to you too.

Meanwhile take deep breaths and if you want more help from MN, have a think about name-changing and posting on relationships with the general circumstances, not focusing on the dinner:

And why is it that when a man is close to his Mum, she suddenly becomes known as 'Mummy' on Mumsnet?

I can take a guess at this - I think it's because people can see patterns and project innately; and there's a world of difference between "DH loves his mum and has a good relationship with her" ("can run to her when he needs help") and "DH has some unhealthy relationship habits" ("likes stirring and chooses her over partner"). The latter is is more likely to be called a "mummy's boy", because he's not detached from her healthily. (I think). I don't see it applied in normal situations usually, do you?

Inertia · 30/05/2016 15:26

Love, he doesn't sound like a supportive husband at all.

It suits him to isolate you, because then he gets to treat you however badly he likes, and there's nobody there to tell you that that's not how it should be.

TBH, under the circumstances,it wouldn't feel much like my birthday celebration if I were in your shoes- sounds a bit like you're expected to tag along with his family. Can you change it to something completely different- a 'reconnecting ' of just you two?

diddl · 30/05/2016 15:30

It sounds as if you are making far too much effort for people who don't deserve itSad

Bluebolt · 30/05/2016 15:30

With all that has gone on and the death of a friend, I cannot see the relevance of a birthday meal in a couple of weeks unless being used as a punishment. You have much bigger problems to face than a meal.

MTPurse · 30/05/2016 15:40

I haven't watched that Youtube video but are you sure it is serious? The only videos I have seen this bloke do are complete pisstakes. Confused

barbet · 30/05/2016 15:43

That's how I found it - took me completely aback as I expected jokes. He does serious ones too!

barbet · 30/05/2016 15:45

Posted too soon - I think the hairband ones are the pisstakes! Sorry though, it might be a way off before it could be useful or it might not be useful at all. I was just surprised by how much it made me think.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 15:46

Yes barbet I often see it applied in normal situations on Mumsnet. Or at least as a 'knee-jerk' comment, way before any kind of wrongdoing has been established.

But the thread has taken a very different turn now anyway.

Good luck OP, in whatever you decide to do Thanks

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/05/2016 15:51

I don't like this idea of "you tell him these issues are private and he must not speak to his mother about them".

If a partner told me I couldn't speak to my mother about something, anything, I'd tell them to do one.

FelicityGubbins · 30/05/2016 16:06

Would your mum then use it as a stick to beat them with though Hunter? That's the crux of it really..

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 30/05/2016 19:36

If your DP has every right to do exactly as he feels inclined in telling all his grievances to his mum without any thought for how it will affect your standing in the family (except to actually enjoy the damage it does to your relationship with his family) you have every right to do exactly what you want and respond to that by not making any effort. In fact, I would say that you are being bullied if you are being asked to put yourself in that situation.

I'm not sure that you would recognise if you were treated badly though, OP. All of this sounds a bit toxic to be honest. He sounds rather like his mum. Perhaps you should leave them both to get on with it and leave the space for someone who likes you and genuinely wants the best for you. Flowers

HunterHearstHelmsley · 30/05/2016 19:37

Felicity - no she wouldn't. But she would back me up 100%.

AllTheUsernamesAreTaken3 · 30/05/2016 19:42

WorraLiberty, the nature of an anonymous chatroom is that you are not likely to receive the written and evidenced statements of anyone the OP refers to. Posters may only draw their conclusions from the limited information available and amend in the (possible) light of later information received.

Gide · 30/05/2016 20:18

Sounds like he's very deliberately running to mum then delighting in telling you he was there, knowing it will piss you off. He's playing you against her, but not the other way round. He should be looking to your feelings first and foremost as your DH yet he seems to be deliberately trying to show you up. You say he loves you? How do you know? What are you getting from this relationship?

Janecc · 30/05/2016 21:17

I live in a family with the similar dynamic op so I totally get where you are coming from. My brother and mother mirror your dh and mil. He has no secrets with his wife and tells mother everything. To the detriment of his marriage. She is passive aggressive and he's learnt similar skills from her. There is much drama. He's the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. I can totally understand why you're not wanting to face her. Your husband seems to be relishing you being bullied by this woman. I am on the receiving end of my mother's shit and believe me when I say she is much worse to me than she is to his wife so be thankful she isn't your mother.

You have two options - extract him and help him to cut the apron strings or run away. And do whatever the hell you want about the dinner. You are sad about your mutual friend and I'd perhaps consider using this as an excuse. Sorry for your loss. Sad

Janecc · 30/05/2016 21:20

(When I say 'extract him' I do mean in the sense of getting him back from the toxic hostage taker)

Muldjewangk · 30/05/2016 22:31

Why are you putting up with your MIL OP, what are you getting out of trying to get her to like you? She sounds nasty and your twat of a DP doesn't care about your feelings, he is deliberately making the situation worse. Things might improve for awhile but it will happen again.

I wouldn't have a birthday dinner with either of them. I would in fact get rid of your DP and solve your MIL problems at the same time.

2rebecca · 31/05/2016 00:34

I think there are some things you don't discuss with your parents when married as they will always take your side and it will affect the way they see your partner. I have never said unpleasant things about my husband to my parents. If I did go there after a row (unlikely as over 6 hours drive away) I'd be vague about the row unless I thought the relationship was over because if we patched things up and were fine they would still see him as the nasty man who'd upset their daughter. That isn't in anyone's best interests.
I think the going to his parents' is OK but if he tends to bad mouth you to his mum that isn't.

TheStoic · 31/05/2016 01:11

Are you sure he was at his mum's? Petty fight, storming out, staying out all night. Doesn't sound great.

MistressDeeCee · 31/05/2016 01:30

I don't want my own mum knowing everything about me, much less my OP's mum! Its ridiculous of a man to run to his mum and discuss disputes with his wife - its a given a biased opinion will be formed. Its an unwise and unfair thing to do, and Id say the same if it were a woman running to her dad to complain about her man.

I feel like his family always have to know our business (one of the things that has caused problems between me and his family) and I am a very private person who feels that as people in our 40s it's our business and no-one else

I think its perfectly logical to feel like this OP. However given your OP couldnt be bothered to text to tell you he was OK, when you were the one keeping the lines of communication open at least, I think his mum comes 1st with him, alongside his need to win

If my husband had done this, his mother would have told him to get straight back home and sort it out with his wife; she'd have told him in no uncertain terms that he's a grown man, married, and his first priority should be his wife and the marriage. I'd hope to be able to say the same to my married son if the same situation were to arise.
^^
Now assuming theres no abuse involved, then this is as close to common sense and respect as it gets

Atenco · 31/05/2016 04:26

Just read this thread and I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I know it has moved on to more serious problems, but on principle I think people need someone to blow off steam to when they have marital problems and, as men, in general, find it harder to open, it is logical that they would go their mother or a sister.

Storming off is, on the face of it, not good, but sometimes it is better to get away to think.

However, knowing how his mother is, he shouldn't be telling her things.