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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off and not want to go to my birthday meal?

128 replies

Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 12:22

Had a pathetic row with DH who stormed off for the night, I assumed to a hotel. Just after he left we had some bad news which I relayed to him and then spent the rest of the (sleepless for me) night worrying about how he was processing the news and if he was ok. I had phoned and texted him to at least let me know that he was ok. Nothing.
Today he breezes in and says he was at his mums.
Things haven't always been amazing between me and his mum and recently things have been ok and we were all set to go out for a meal a few weeks from now to celebrate my birthday but now DH has run off to his mothers house after a row I feel humiliated and like I don't want to go for this meal.
I feel like his family always have to know our business (one of the things that has caused problems between me and his family) and I am a very private person who feels that as people in our 40s it's our business and no-one else.
I am also fuming with DH. He let me worry about him all night, wondering if he was ok and all the time he was putting his feet up at his mothers.
I now don't want to go out for this meal knowing that they know our problems and I don't even want to speak to him.
AIBU? FWIW the argument was a really petty one and not even about anything important.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 13:34

Agree with WeAllHaveWings, you might not have a temper OP but you do sound controlling in this instance. Who are you to determine where your husband goes after you've both had a row and he's left/stormed out?

Yes, you wanted to ring and text him - and you did. You say yourself, the row was petty so why the need to follow it up with a call? Your husband is an adult and sometimes the best thing to do is remove yourself from the person you are arguing with.

This thing about your birthday meal, it sounds petty. It's the sort of game-playing my mother would and has done before - and it's not been appreciated by those who love her, they've taken her at her word and she's regretted her outburst and kneejerk decision. If that is going to be you then keep that for this thread and don't voice it.

diddl · 30/05/2016 13:36

Surely there comes a point though where you deal with the small stuff yourself &don't keep tattling back to your parents?

It's as if he wants MIL to dislike Op & have a tally of grievances against her.

But I also can't figure why she has been invited to your birthday meal.

Was taht you trying to be nice?

Cancel the meal & go out with friends.

Or your husband if you must!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 13:38

... and as far as your husband confiding in his mother goes, it may not be the best option as far as you are concerned but, he wants to confide in her. My brother does this, tells my mum stuff that in my opinion, he shouldn't. She then passes this to me and I refuse to listen to it because it's none of my business and I don't think it's hers either. I accept that my brother wants to talk to her but I feel it's a bit disloyal as my mum can't hide her dislike of my SIL. It sounds a similar scenario to your own situation, OP and in that, I have every sympathy for you.

Your MIL needs to know that whatever is shared by your husband will not be then discussed by you because as far as you are concerned, it is none of her business. Tell your husband this also - what he tells her stays between him and her.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/05/2016 13:41

Ffs you don't sound controlling at all. So basically his mother already dislikes you. If you have a row he runs to her, tells her one side of the argument and then she falls out with you and makes snide remarks and comments. Yet some people seem to think you are controlling and bring unreasonable for not wanting to spend your birthday with the woman. Err right OK. Well I don't think YABU

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 13:45

So far we've had 'Mum' changed to 'Mummy' and 'confiding' changed to 'tattling' (not that we know whether he confided at all).

It's as though some people seem to see men as infants if they want to confide in their parents.

I don't understand why that is, but its something I very rarely see when a woman says she walked out to stay with her parents.

AllTheUsernamesAreTaken3 · 30/05/2016 13:48

M-i-l sounds like a nightmare. DH never told his parents - or indeed anyone - details of our rows, whereas my mother got chapter and verse from me. The difference is that my mother didn't store it up as fuel for her bonfire of Leisure Hatred and Shit-stirring (in fact most of the time she told me I was over-reacting, unreasonable and should cut him some slack - I swear she wrote Stand By Your Man).

If you kick off about this meal, you'll have thrown away all the hard work you've put in already to try and forge some kind of relationship with this ghastly hag. You know your old man's always going to have a special place in his heart for eternally enabling and forgiving Supermommy, and openly falling out with her puts him in a difficult place. You're the one rowing with him, she's the cuddly wuddly you-will-always-be-Mummy's-special-little-man" bolthole.

In your place I'd be making it clear to DH that confiding stuff that should properly be private between you two is not acceptable, and working out some hilarious little snippets to slide into the birthday meal conversation with her as a pre-emptive strike. "I've had a lovely time with DH today! We did this/that, he gave me a lovely present. Tsk! The next episode of the soap opera will have to wait for another day!" (Tinkling laughter!)

I know that papering over the cracks of contempt is not the ideal way forward when it comes to keeping things steady with the in-laws but I have found it best in the long run to dump respect and integrity for hypocrisy and a quiet life.

iLikeBoringThings · 30/05/2016 13:50

You both sound like immature 13 year olds to be honest!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 13:52

MrsRyan, OP was controlling because, having been involved in the row, she pursued this with her husband when he'd left and expected responses to her calls and text. I wouldn't have - I would have wanted the space, hence leaving the home. It is controlling to pin down your spouse in that way.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/05/2016 13:54

with this ghastly hag

You know your old man's always going to have a special place in his heart for eternally enabling and forgiving Supermommy

she's the cuddly wuddly you-will-always-be-Mummy's-special-little-man" bolthole

Bloody hell, there's some assumptions ^ up there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 13:54

AllTheUsernames, that made me cringe. Fake commentary is never not obvious to anybody who hears it.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 13:55

she's the cuddly wuddly you-will-always-be-Mummy's-special-little-man" bolthole.

FFS...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 13:56

Aren't there just, StillStayingClassy. Nauseating.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/05/2016 13:58

Lying she has said she got in touch with him following bad news she discovered after he left the house. Really, that's not controlling.

Originalfoogirl · 30/05/2016 14:00

You are worried about how he "processes" things but don't want him to go to his mums when he has an argument with you? Aren't you worried about how he "processes" his thoughts then?

The argument might have seemed petty to you, but to him it was enough for him to leave and stay out all night. Obviously he didn't see it as petty. Maybe the way you are dealing with what you see as petty issues, is a problem to him.

Adult children will go to their parents. His relationship with his mum is good enough for him to feel able to do that, it can't be that bad. If not his mum, who is he supposed to talk to? Strangers on the Internet?

pictish · 30/05/2016 14:00

Well I certainly hope that my two sons (and daughter) will know that no matter the upset, they can always come to me, whether their spouses like it or not.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 14:01

MrsRyan, not my understanding at all - she said she got in touch 'to see how he was processing it'. That IS controlling and unnecessary.

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 14:05

I got in touch with him solely to tell him the bad news because he needed to hear it from me not Facebook.
I wouldn't have worried about him otherwise and without this bad news as he is a grown man.
I didn't know where he was all night and contacted him just to ask him to let me know he was ok after the bad news. That was all.

OP posts:
MTPurse · 30/05/2016 14:05

If Your dh had just received bad news why would you even engage in a petty row?

Anyway If I needed space and walked out to have texts and calls the more I received the longer it would probably take for me to return. When i need my space I need my space. Calls and texts would just piss me off further.

Maybe he went to his Mums for a bit of peace and quiet?

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 14:06

Heaven forbid I should worry about him even though we had a row Hmm
He knew I would be worried sick all night and never texted back.

OP posts:
MTPurse · 30/05/2016 14:06

apologies I misread the op.

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 14:06

The row was BEFORE the bad news!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 14:07

And I wouldn't have bothered texting or calling at all if the bad news hadn't happened. I would have left him to it.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 14:10

I would have text you either. You knew he'd had bad news, both went ahead with the row and you just couldn't leave him be. He's an adult and he wanted space; why would you think that he wouldn't suddenly be able to take care of himself?

Fair enough, you both had the row and it was not so petty that he wanted to stay so he left. You knew he would come back so why the drama and need to chase him? Don't get me wrong, I've had some terrible rows with my husband but we give each other space then because we both need it. I would be livid if he chased me to speak to him until I was ready.

Is this all a giant competition between you and your MIL, OP? It sounds like it to me.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/05/2016 14:12

Lying can you not read? Serious question.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/05/2016 14:13

So he left BEFORE the bad news, not after? What was he 'processing' then if the row was just petty?

Did you really think that passing on bad news any other way than in person would be a good idea? Why would it be on facebook anyway if it was between just the two of you? Why would he be on facebook and hear it there anyway? Facebook isn't private so presumably if it wasn't a private matter then he would hear about it anyway - perhaps from his mother?

I'm struggling to see what the point of your annoyance is, OP?