AIBU to be pissed off and not want to go to my birthday meal?

[Bodhicitta]

Had a pathetic row with DH who stormed off for the night, I assumed to a hotel. Just after he left we had some bad news which I relayed to him and then spent the rest of the (sleepless for me) night worrying about how he was processing the news and if he was ok. I had phoned and texted him to at least let me know that he was ok. Nothing.
Today he breezes in and says he was at his mums.
Things haven't always been amazing between me and his mum and recently things have been ok and we were all set to go out for a meal a few weeks from now to celebrate my birthday but now DH has run off to his mothers house after a row I feel humiliated and like I don't want to go for this meal.
I feel like his family always have to know our business (one of the things that has caused problems between me and his family) and I am a very private person who feels that as people in our 40s it's our business and no-one else.
I am also fuming with DH. He let me worry about him all night, wondering if he was ok and all the time he was putting his feet up at his mothers.
I now don't want to go out for this meal knowing that they know our problems and I don't even want to speak to him.
AIBU? FWIW the argument was a really petty one and not even about anything important.

MrsRyan Yes I can. Serious answer. I'm going back through the thread now to try to find where I'm misunderstanding the OP.

Don't know what some posters are thinking about. No, of course he shouldn't be stropping off to his mum's house in a huff to tell her all about it, leaving you worrying and alone. That is not what mums of adult children are for and if she had any wisdom she would have sent him straight back home to sort things out in a mature fashion.

My mum always made it crystal clear that I was never to turn up at her house after a row with my husband because boundaries are the key to healthy adult relationships. Dragging her into it would line her up against my husband, isolating him from the family and making the original argument harder to resolve. Also, it's not fair for one partner to have a bolt hole and the other not.

He needs to grow up.

FFS Lying we had a row, he left and then we had bad news that he needed to hear from me rather than read it. I contacted him to tell him the news.
I wanted to make sure he was ok because I knew he had had bad news. I wanted to make sure he was ok, that was all.
It was on Facebook because someone had announced it. Not either of us. It was concerning a mutual friend.
Yes I would rather have passed on the bad news face to face yes but I could'nt because he wasn't there, he had stormed out over the petty row we had earlier

I think Lying is your Mil Op.

Ok, so a timeline to help my comprehension then:

• OP and husband have a row.
• Husband leaves the house.
• OP finds out bad news and tells husband (presumably by phone)
• OP then rings/texts to find out how this news is being processed. It isn't private news as it's possibly on facebook.
• Husband goes to his mother's and doesn't respond to OP.
• Husband returns this morning from his mother's.
• OP says that husband's relationship with his mother isn't great but that she doesn't want to go out for birthday meal because there would be snide comments. Does OP even know that husband will have shared the details of what was, in OP's words, a petty row?

If I was in the OP's place, I would tell my husband that I feel uncomfortable with row details being shared with his mother and that I would rather he didn't. It may be that husband will tell OP that he didn't tell his mother any of the petty row issues so OP has nothing to be concerned about.

Cancelling the birthday meal is just adding an extra dimension and unnecessary drama that may have other implications with extended family becoming involved when they don't need to.

I think OP and husband should just apologise to each other and make up the row because whatever the bad news is, it should trump a petty row.

I'm totally with you. My DH has made promises after having his friends over the house twice in a row he would spent time with as his family even take us out. Saturday came he was in a ratty mood, Sunday came he couldn't be bothered so I said Monday now he just wouldn't shift and apparently I'm on his case that he has called me a bitch in front of our toddler. I'm steaming and cross. Hes now gone off to his DM no doubt to start by giving his version of the story no doubt he leaving out the bitch comment in front of our DD. I feel your pain I do. It's frustrating to involve other members especially if you have a fractured relationship already. She would easily jump on this. He could easily go for a walk for a drive for afew hours. I sympathise with you op.

I'm not, MrsRyan but I'm tired of engaging with you.

The OP doesn't even know whether he told her anything about it.

He felt he needed to leave the house, so he slept at his Mum's.

No-one here knows why he felt the need to leave the house, therefore no-one knows whether he was right to do so in this situation.

The OP doesn't even mention for example if there are children in the home. Sometimes that's a very good reason for one adult to remove themself from the situation, if for example the petty row is escalating and showing no signs of stopping.

My ex would follow me from room to room...to fucking room, just banging on and on until I felt I wanted to scream. He just would not leave me alone or give me my own space.

That was more than enough reason for me to feel I needed to leave the house and no, I didn't want to walk the streets looking for a hotel room.

I'm not saying this was the case for the OP's husband. But what I am saying is none of us know what the case actually was.

So it's probably best not to assume he needs to grow up and go right back home to his wife to sort it.

LyingWitch You have read very carelessly.

• Row over a petty argument.
• DP storms off. OP doesn't know where.
• Bad news is received and OP wants to tell DP rather than hear it from facebook.
• DP doesn't respond to either the news or her checking that he is doing ok (how is that controlling? Surely anyone would be concerned at being cut dead by their own marriage partner! Unless he's an absolute dick and this is normal behaviour, it would be concerning.) For all OP knows, he is sobbing in a puddle somewhere. In fact, he is absolutely fine at his mum's house, selfishly leaving her to worry about him on her own. Punishing her and probably bitching about her, knowing that this will make it much harder for OP to have the relationship with his difficult mother that she has worked hard to create.

No

I think she must be Ryan

FWIW in spite of the bad news which I am gutted about he is smug and smirking and seems to be enjoying the fact that he has now caused friction between his mum and I (again)
I needn't have worried about his mental state because he seems fine. I'm finding this more disturbing than anything and it's kind of confirmed for me the thought that he went there deliberately knowing that his mum would take against me again. Like he didn't want us to get along (which in spite of what most of you on here seem to think is not what I've ever wanted, I wanted a good relationship with his mum, why wouldn't i?)
I am now starting to think that continuing with this marriage might not be a great move.

gonestoseeamanaboutadog... I would be welcomed with open arms at my mother to tell her ANYTHING about ANYTHING because my mum loves gossip and drama. I tell her NOTHING about anything and my husband knows that. He wouldn't tell his mother anything either.

It is difficult when mothers (particularly) welcome hearing the minutiae of their adult children's lives IF they can't a) keep silent about it and b) stop it leaching into relationships with their children's' partners.

cross-posted, gonetosee, you're repeating what I've already posted apart from the detail of how OP felt about it.

No OP, I'm not your MIL. I wouldn't have got involved with your business and wouldn't engage with details of a petty row.

Anyway, I'll leave you to your outrage here instead of dealing with the bad news that you were so concerned about.

he is smug and smirking and seems to be enjoying the fact that he has now caused friction between his mum and I (again)

Yeah. He doesn't sound like a great catch OP. Does he feel like the drama and "fighting over him" feeling then?

You can be as private as you want yourself with your own stuff but you don't get to make that call about someone else even if you are married.

He can talk to who ever he wants about what ever he wants because he is a grown up who should not be isolated from his support networks.

If you are concerned about people knowing you engage in childish petty arguements then just stop doing it.

I don't think there is a way to continually hear one side of the story without it affecting your view of the person, witch. Even the knowledge that my mother knew negative things about my husband would make him feel more distant from my mum (were she still alive) and cause distance between them because he would be anticipating that she was thinking badly of him.

I really don't feel that as a partner, you have to be alright with private issues being aired with others. My friends don't gossip and bitch about me (I hope!) so why would it be ok for a partner? If her DP wants to sort things out (the best way for himself to feel better too) he should come back and behave like an adult. Letting off steam to another person, particularly a person who is more aligned with you as an individual than you as part of a couple, is much more likely to further entrench you in your resentment than bring perspective. Plus it becomes part of a long-running story then - 'how is it going with X, has he/she done it again??' and before you know it there's a place in your life where you go to bitch about your partner. There's no place for that in a loving relationship IMO.

The hugely negative thing about going to his mum's house, even if he told her nothing, is what it implies about his DP and the state of his relationship with her. Especially if this is the kind of damaged person who likes rifts between others and will talk about them. I wonder what she is saying - that the OP 'threw him out/wouldn't let him sleep in his own house/doesn't give him a moment's peace' etc etc. Going to sleep somewhere else could well be interpreted as drawing battle lines in the sand IMO, especially for someone who loves battles!

needs You shouldn't require a 'support network' to cope with a loving partner!! By all means, have support networks, but use them appropriately. Not wanting to be bitched about and have relations with in-laws made much harder is not the same as wanting to 'isolate someone from their support systems'!

Barbet I had suspected him of this before but thought I was wrong. Now looking back it just seems like he fed the problems we had (his mum and I). He doesn't seem remotely bothered about the bad news which was that a mutual friend died. I am really gutted though thanks Lying.
I was wrong to have been so worried about him.

There are far too many ifs, buts and maybes being posted now.

None of us know why he felt he needed to leave the home.

Needs wow thanks for that. So just put up with any crap from him so that he doesn't blab it all to him mum...

gonetosee, I agree with you. OP said in her posts that her husband doesn't have a good relationship with his mother. OP hasn't posted that her husband has talked about details anyway so perhaps he didn't?

If he's smirking now then that's not very kind and he should reassure the OP or at least tell her so that she knows what she's up against. I don't think it's a very sound or loving relationship and perhaps the MIL is very interfering but who really knows the situation here? Only the OP and her husband.

Thank you Gone you get it!

Not good ... People react weirdly to grief, so that alone wouldn't necessarily be a "red flag" factor, but coupled with the other stuff it suggests he likes attention.

What are his good points Bod? I'm guessing you love him or have loved him for some reason - can you talk this stuff over with him or is he not that kind of person?

Also do you have quite low self-esteem in general? A dramatic/self-obsessed kind of person often couples with someone who doesn't value themselves too much or know how to defend themselves from the lunacy of people already in "the game".

OP... I've never suggested that you weren't upset. I have suggested that you ask your husband what he's talked to his mother about though, that concerns you/him. I agree with gonetosee, it makes your position very untenable/uncomfortable.

Talk to your husband. Nobody here knows what the situation is, only you and he.

Not engaging in childish petty behaviour (you used that description) is not the same as putting up with any old crap.

People get to decide how much of their own information they wish to share and who they wish to share it with, they also get to decide what support networks they wish to have or not.

You have made the choice for you and you are happy with that choice, he gets to make it for him. It really is that simple.

If you don't have a great relationship with his parents why are they part of your birthday plans? My birthday meal is usually just husband and I and any kids not elsewhere. If my dad lived locally I might invite him but it seems odd to invite inlaws unless you really want them there. Do your parents go to your husband's birthday stuff? Sounds too formal to me. I want to relax on my birthday.
Your husband's behaviour sounds childish but if my husband stormed off somewhere I'd expect him to go to his parents, they will always put him up and I expect all parents to be like that.
It's never happened though.