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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off and not want to go to my birthday meal?

128 replies

Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 12:22

Had a pathetic row with DH who stormed off for the night, I assumed to a hotel. Just after he left we had some bad news which I relayed to him and then spent the rest of the (sleepless for me) night worrying about how he was processing the news and if he was ok. I had phoned and texted him to at least let me know that he was ok. Nothing.
Today he breezes in and says he was at his mums.
Things haven't always been amazing between me and his mum and recently things have been ok and we were all set to go out for a meal a few weeks from now to celebrate my birthday but now DH has run off to his mothers house after a row I feel humiliated and like I don't want to go for this meal.
I feel like his family always have to know our business (one of the things that has caused problems between me and his family) and I am a very private person who feels that as people in our 40s it's our business and no-one else.
I am also fuming with DH. He let me worry about him all night, wondering if he was ok and all the time he was putting his feet up at his mothers.
I now don't want to go out for this meal knowing that they know our problems and I don't even want to speak to him.
AIBU? FWIW the argument was a really petty one and not even about anything important.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 30/05/2016 12:55

His mother should have said to him that he is a grown man, with a marriage and responsibilities and he should go back and face up to these and sort his life out, not run to mummy when things get a bit difficult.

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 12:55

And yes that might be the best thing to do but maybe the 40-odd year old man should let his wife know where is he and that he's ok?

And unfortunately his mother isn't like that. She is extremely passive aggressive and loves this sort of drama.

OP posts:
Merd · 30/05/2016 12:56

I don't think Worra was saying that - just that obviously every parent will react (and should) differently based on the circumstances. I bet Billy would too really.

Have you talked to your DH yet?

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 12:56

Are you my ex husband then OP? Confused

If so then yes

If not then how would I know? Confused

Fairylea · 30/05/2016 12:57

I wouldn't be happy with someone storming out after a row and staying elsewhere for the night, mum or hotel. For me it's just childish behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 12:58

Just go out with your mates for your birthday then.

I couldn't be doing with all the drama over a meal.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/05/2016 12:58

Worra I'm sure and certain there is a bit of a difference between a petty disagreement and fleeing an abusive relationship.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/05/2016 12:58

So she blames you for every row you have with your dh and as a consequence of him possibly telling her about the latest one you are asking if you should cancel your birthday meal which will happen in a few weeks?

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 12:59

That's how I feel Fairylea there was no need for him to storm off anywhere.

OP posts:
DaveCamoron · 30/05/2016 12:59

I love how when a man speaks to his mum she becomes 'mummy'.

Merd · 30/05/2016 12:59

The problem with difficult parents is that it takes years to come to terms with, and we can still seek their approval unconsciously until we tackle stuff.

Your DH may have "run to her" because she does love all this drama stuff - and for a while she was his beloved mum again, the one he liked. And when he's out of the zone he'll see the one he didn't like again and realise he's played into her hands.

Have you read up on things like FOG? There's a lot written about "narcissists" and I think the word is probably mis-diagnosed a lot but it's a useful one for talking about this kind of upbringing too.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/05/2016 12:59

Just don't go, how's that for advice.

MatildaTheCat · 30/05/2016 12:59

I've been with my dh for 30 years and in that time we've had some arguements, of course. Not once has either of us stormed off in a huff, let alone stayed out all night.

Honestly,OP,this all sounds so childish. Your relationship with you MIL is up to you to sort out to a large extent. It tends to work best of everyone remains civil and pleasant. No, she shouldn't hold grudges against you and dh shouldn't spill the beans of every disagreement. You both need to work on that.

Your birthday isn't for some weeks, when I read the title I assumed it was today...I'm sorry you've had bad news and sorry you've had a row but you both sort of need to get over yourselves.

iLikeBoringThings · 30/05/2016 13:02

So let me get this right...you had some bad news, then a 'petty' argument. Your DH then spent the night at his mothers house and now you don't want to go for a meal that is in a few weeks time?

Yes, YABU.

MrsJayy · 30/05/2016 13:05

This will blow over you said the arguement was petty but you had bad news maybe he didnt think it was petty he went to his mothers house to cool off or have time away the issue is with him stoming out and not letting you know where he was not his mother.

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 13:06

Matilda you have no idea how much I have bent over backwards 'working' on the relationship with his mother. Or what it took to get to a good place with her.
How exactly do you propose I work on him going over there and telling her all about every petty argument we have and her taking a stance against me?

It IS childish. That's my point. I wouldn't dream off storming off anywhere in a huff.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 30/05/2016 13:07

Do you know exactly what your husband told your MIL?

A lot can happen between now and your birthday. Holding grudges isn't the best way forward.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 30/05/2016 13:09

you have no idea how much I have bent over backwards 'working' on the relationship with his mother. Or what it took to get to a good place with her.

Well if you've bent over backwards and she continues to be a passive aggressive tit towards you maybe it's time to stop bothering.

Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 13:09

No Boring
We had a petty row, he stormed out to his mothers, (except I had no clue where he was) we had bad news and he let me worry about him all night wondering if he was processing things ok (to do with the bad news) and then he breezes in today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 13:10

Sissy It isn't me that holds the grudges. I WANT a good relationship with her, I like a quiet life and for everyone to get along. She is the one who enjoys friction etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Bodhicitta · 30/05/2016 13:11

Merd what is FOG? I am willing to read up on anything that will help.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 30/05/2016 13:13

He just sounds so dramatic are you not exhausted dealing with him

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2016 13:16

Two things you can't do.

  1. Change your MIL into a nicer person

  2. Control who your DH confides in when you have a row

Therefore, I agree with SanDiego. It's time to stop bothering.

You and your MIL don't like each other and your DH isn't helping with that. I would just give up and keep your relationship with her as distant but polite.

Life's too short to bang your head against a wall with this.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/05/2016 13:26

there was no need for him to storm off anywhere.

obviously he felt there was a need, when you have a row does it not end until he "gives in" or leaves? Do you have a temper, or maybe he needs the space to cool off as he's worried about his temper, or he finds it easier to go to let both of you cool down/sleep on it.

if he feels there is a need to leave the house during a row to let things cool off (you can get some cracking rows over something petty) I think that is his choice and not unreasonable.

if he chooses to stay at his mums also not unreasonable.

if he chooses to confide in his mum also not unreasonable.

it is not up to you to control how he copes with rows, where he stays, or whether he is allowed to confide in his mum.

what you can control is work out together how you can have disagreements over petty things without them escalating to this.

ReadyPlayerOne · 30/05/2016 13:32

My mum is quite involved in my sister and her partners relationship in that they often discuss their various spats and issues with her, plus my sister will go to our mums if she needs some space. Totally fine as they are all happy with this arrangement. I believe there is similar on BILs side in that his parents are aware of their arguments and are used as counsel but I'm not sure.

DH and I have a very different, much more private relationship. Neither of us confide in our mothers if we argue and we tend not to do the storming off thing. We just aren't comfortable with everybody knowing our petty business.

I can completely understand your reluctance to go, OP. I don't have a great relationship with my MIL either and would feel so uncomfortable with a meal with her under the circumstances you describe.

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