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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:

DaveCamoron · 30/05/2016 08:27

It does seem like he has moved on if for ten years you had no idea OP but I do think that you've made your mind up already.

Personally I wouldn't make a rash decision based on how someone was ten years ago.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:29

WriteforFun1 He denies it and says she started screaming it after he said he was broke and had no cash on him for more drugs, the drug guy wasn't going to give any more credit so she freaked out and started screaming rape, he had a nice place his parents payed for and next door called the police.

OP posts:

user1464519881 · 30/05/2016 08:29

You are right to be annoyed. Did you google search him when you first went out? I do that - check if they were in the papers, look up their liimited companies on companies house, do the due dilgence. I think it pays off. One man had served time following a company liquidation (which is very rare indeed); another was 17 years older than he said. You could now search the French newspapers from 10 years ago and English ones and look at the press articles as a first start eg he may have been charged with killing her or supplying to her.

Couples should tell each other everything - total disclosure in my view.

So he was wrong not to.

I would not let this damage your marriage however. Do ask him though about drug and addiction in his family - another of my pre relationship due diligence questions as I don't want someone who is in hospital once a year sectioned or whose family are all alcoholics. There is a genetic component to addiction so this may affect your children.

Ask him when he last took drugs. I would also search his stuff next time he's out for evidence and do make sure you both have full rights to see each other's bank statements (and then you can check spending on dubious dealers or lots of cash being taken out etc).

Ask him if he lied to get his current job - he may have been asked if he had a drug problem or criminal convictions and possibly he had if you haven't been told the full story on the police investigation.

I don't believe addictions are at a choice at all. They are like having a bad back. It's not your fault. Those who think people choose to be alcoholics or whatever are wrong. It is a pity as a society we treat it as a choice whereas someone with depression or sore toes we don't blame.;

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:30

wheresthel1ght Where do you draw the line?

OP posts:

heron98 · 30/05/2016 08:30

I also don't think this is grounds for separation. So he took some drugs when he was young and doesn't any more? I don't think that's "heavy". It's perhaps odd he's not mentioned it but then perhaps he didn't think it was relevant.

If he's your best friend and a good husband, you'd be mad to break up over this.

WannaBe · 30/05/2016 08:31

Have all the people still saying no big deal actually read the rest of the thread?

HopefulHamster · 30/05/2016 08:32

Did you rtft Heron? It's a bit more than just taking some drugs.

It would seriously shake me up too.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:34

WannaBe agreed. i said pretty grim in the op and thought people would catch the drift but obvs not

OP posts:

crje · 30/05/2016 08:34

You are right to get some space.
Good to your mums and digest everything.

He probably hadn't delt with this either. Would you like him to go to counselling ?
It's gave him enough of a fright that he ran home and turned his life around.

What a mess !!!!

Janecc · 30/05/2016 08:34

corporate coke so for high level execs I imagine. Describing crack as "scarily good and turns you into a fiend" bloody scary stuff. I think in your place I would need to get to the bottom of this before making any choices. His upbringing may be influencing his reactions and possibly what his parents said to him after the event. I'm not suggesting anyone - including him - necessarily minimised her death intentionally because of who she was but perhaps they did so to help him get through it. Perhaps not - I'm just trying to give a possible explanation.

WriteforFun1 · 30/05/2016 08:34

OP sorry but now I'm wondering how she died...

Sparkletastic · 30/05/2016 08:34

Focus on who he is now and not the bad choices that he made in his past.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:34

user1464519881 really?

OP posts:

Tournesol · 30/05/2016 08:35

I am so shocked at all the 'the past is the past' bullshit. If I found out what you did about my husband I would be totally devastated.

It would completely rock the foundations of who you thought that person was and I would feel cheated that I had been robbed of my right to make a decision about whether I wanted to marry someone who could do stuff like that.

He has duped you and his cold reaction now implies he is just annoyed to have been found out. I really think you deserve some space and he has a lot of explaining to do to see if there is a future in this relationship. What a terrible shock this must be for you.

AyeAmarok · 30/05/2016 08:35

Hang on, I don't think the OP's DH has raped anyone... I think OP was just quoting another poster where they said that if someone raped someone "in the past" we wouldn't all say "oh well, everyone has a past, it's what he's like now that matters".

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:36

WriteforFun1 me too but didn't want you guys to flame me. Hence why I say I don't know him and feel numb

OP posts:

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:37

Tournesol thanks, i appreciate it.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 30/05/2016 08:37

Oh flip, sorry, ignore me.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:38

AyeAmarok she said he raped her but he said he didn't.

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/05/2016 08:38

I agree with WannaBe. I'd want space too OP and I'm not sure it would be a deal breaker but it might be. That's a pretty serious past to keep from your partner if ten years.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/05/2016 08:38

OF not if

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:40

Sparkletastic bad choices? He didn't vote UKIP. He pimped, stole, lied, cheated, got accused of rape, beat the shit out of her etc....

OP posts:

WannaBe · 30/05/2016 08:40

The thing is OP you can no longer believe anything he tells you.

In the past, has talk of drugs etc ever come up? You know, just in day to day discussion e.g. If you were talking about things in the news etc? What has been his stance on drugs if you've talked about it? Or violence? Or DV? Or prostitution?

RainbowsAndUnicorns5 · 30/05/2016 08:41

Yabu and massively over reacting - separating
Everyone is entitled to a past

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:43

WannaBe Of course. But I've never thought to ask if he's been involved in those things if that makes sense. He just shakes his head and says "sad" in all the right places.

OP posts:

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