Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 33 34

Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 30/05/2016 08:45

Drugs make you do some horrific things but if you are confident he hasn't used while you are together then it is not "draw the line" worthy imo.

He is a reformed man and you have had a good life with him. Why would you throw that away over something that actually has no direct impact on your life?

My dp made some pretty huge admissions not long after we got together. Not things I intend to post on here but suffice to say far worse than what you describe on here. They were a result of being very ill and he truly regrets the person he was. It could have been a deal breaker but I chose to give him a chance and it was the best decision ever.

He isn't a different person to the one you met and fell in love with. He is a different person to who he was BEFORE he even knew you existed.

Without meaning to cause offence, I really think you need to get some perspective - you are acting like this happened yesterday and that it has been going on for the 10 years you have been together. You should be proud that he was able to turn his life around and become the successful man you married

Ratbagcatbag · 30/05/2016 08:45

I said my dh was involved in a rival gang, but nothing like what it was taken like. I meant different groups of guys meeting before football to "defend" their team. Not anything to do with women or intimidation of families.
I have to say that now you've given more and I understand why you feel the way you do, rape accusations/domestic violence are lines in the sand to me.
Yanbu asking for space at all.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:46

You guys I'm paranoid about the girl I don't like it I don't like it at all. At all.
And the rape thing.....is it possible to rape someone on drugs and not see it as rape or forget? Don't flame me if if thats a silly question I've only ever drank and know no one personally on drugs or anyone who has taken them. Until last month.

OP posts:

mummytime · 30/05/2016 08:46

Maybe no one should post until they've read mummymalta's post of 8:40!

blindsider · 30/05/2016 08:47

OP he clearly has an addictive personality but as long as you are happy he isn't doing drugs now, it may well have been the reality check he needed to get his life back on track.

Use of heavy drugs is pretty shocking so I completely understand you being thrown into a flat spin, he does however have a 10 year track record with you which should allay your fears...

AyeAmarok · 30/05/2016 08:47

I think most people have missed your 7:43 and 7:59 posts OP.

That's why you're still getting the "everyone has a past" comments.

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 08:48

Yea I'd be questioning the circumstances of her death too - ask for her name the reaction will tell you what ou need to know I suspect.

And rapists don't even always believe they're rapists - and that's the clean sober ones, especially when they're in a relationship with he victim.

I come from a family of addicts. I believe the propensity for addition is genetic but ESPECIALLY when it's illegal drugs it's a choice it's not like they're on sale at the corner shop. And drug dealers don't just offer to everyone you generally have to 'know people'.

It's also worrying that he's minimising and showing no remorse - is he showing any concern for YOU op given you're clearly shocked and concerned?

JemimaPuddly · 30/05/2016 08:49

Dog initially don't separate but I understand your distress. He's hidden some major things from you including finding the dead body of a woman he was in love with! I understand what you're saying because finding out about all this can feel like you never really knew him and a betrayal. If your relationship is good otherwise I think you need to stay together and give yourself time to come to terms with this without judging him but I'd be hurt too. Just remember it was all before he met you you can't punish him for his past.

wheresthel1ght · 30/05/2016 08:49

Op it is possible to be raped and the other person not see it as such without drugs/drink (I was raped by one such dickhead) however, that doesn't mean he did rape her. From what you say he has told you it sounds like she was coming down and when he wouldn't find her anymore she lashed out - only you can judge if you believe him

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 08:51

I think 2 things

Google his name + New York, his name + her name etc

Trust your gut, you know him and you're the one saying he's behaving as if it were just 'youthful high jinks'

Like you op I have experience I this world, living on the periphery of it and what people will sink to.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:51

Baconyum Yes he is I'll give him that. I find his reassurance patronising almost. Rape? FFS.

OP posts:

WannaBe · 30/05/2016 08:51

I agree most people haven't seen your updates.

If you had just met this bloke and he'd revealed this stuff to you, even if it had been ten years ago there is IMO not a single person on this thread who would be quoting the "everyone has the right to a past," line.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:52

Baconyum Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:52

WannaBe Agreed

OP posts:

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 08:52

Rtft people latest updates are significant

MrsRyanGosling15 · 30/05/2016 08:53

I can completely see where you are coming from. The drugs alone would do it for me. Addiction is a big trigger for me and I would never knowingly get involved with anyone who had an addiction or was recovering from one. I don't care how that sounds but it's my line and I never would. I have cut off many friends that I discovered had been into drugs. So I would take the view that if I knew that information at the start, would I have given him a chance or would I have walked away. I don't know how someone can hide such a massive thing. I think it would be understandable to be questioning everything about him. I think time apart to process this may help.

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 08:54

wheresthel1ght Honestly? I smell a huge rat. It's making me not recognise him.

OP posts:

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 08:56

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It also sounds like he may have been taking some action to stop you finding out eg avoiding you meeting certain people.

TradGirl · 30/05/2016 08:56

YANBU. I am astonished at so many people blithely mentioning this as if it's some trivial indiscretion he covered up.

I don't expect to know everything about my husband and have no doubt there are things I don't know. I do know that honesty is important to me and if he lied to me on such a grand scale (even by omission) that I, like you OP, would feel as if he was a stranger.

By the way I wrote this before I read your update, which is frankly the biggest dripfeed in MN history. You would have had very different responses if that had been in your OP.

DaveCamoron · 30/05/2016 08:57

If you're that paranoid about how the ex died then Google her, although I'm a bit confused as to how this thread is escalating so quickly.

MeMySonAndl · 30/05/2016 08:57

I agree this is very difficult to digest heavy stuff. He did things he shouldn't and seem blasé about them, which makes it difficult to understand why he went into so much detail, as it would have been easy for him to say Bob was a liar or tell you his own sanitised version of events and leave it at that. Instead he was fully open about it.

I have a very high stance against drugs, in fact, I believe that every single drug user has blood on their hands, because people (including many innocent people) die so they could feed their drug interest.

But, the rational part of me would be taken a step back to digest the information before taking any decision. If you need that space I think is ok for you to ask him to make himself scarce for a few days/weeks.

Baconyum · 30/05/2016 08:59

Re 'I smell a rat' yea and you know him best.

I wonder if you're finding his reassurances patronising because you are sensing it's not genuine? That he's just saying what he guesses you want to hear?

Original poster

mummymalta · 30/05/2016 09:01

JemimaPuddly Thanks

Guys, be honest. Why is it when it's on the news and away from us the people who do this shit are evil and deserve prison. But when it's my spouse it's in the past? Marriage is sacred and I will keep ours together BUT just because he is my DH doesn't mean he deserves more empathy than a lowlife on the news. He did disgusting things and I'm sorry if I knew before we got together we wouldn't be together. I can allow a drug addiction but again after growing up on the estate from hell I cant forgive OP just because he is white and middle class. The shit people do when they are on drugs and when they sell drugs is mortifying. Why does DH deserve sympathy but if in 10 years DD brought home a boy who was involved in this shit in the past I wouldn't be having it. I would not be saying oh don't worry DD it's all in the past lets all have lasagne !!!!

OP posts:

WannaBe · 30/05/2016 09:02

I don't think it's a drip-feed. The bloke was a Coke and heroin addict, the OP mentioned this fact, plus heavy imoral stuff and the death of a girl. Are people that naive that you think that drug users just use on the quiet and aren't involved in this sort of stuff? Or are the people minimising it on the basis it's "just a bit of Coke use," doing so because of their own drug-related pasts perhaps?

Janecc · 30/05/2016 09:02

You will be smelling a rat regardless of whether or not he is telling the truth.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 33 34

Swipe left for the next trending thread