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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:
saskdilemma · 30/05/2016 22:21

I was spiked and was saved by an amazing friend( she is still my hero today). The man who did was exactly as you described your husband. In the pit of my stomach I think your DH has done far worse then he's admitting( let's face it... He admitted nothing and was caught in the charade), he probably did do the things you fear and probably worse. He's blaming the dead woman because society is too ready to blame a dirty whore anyday. How many other women were there? If he let his friends 'rape' his 'GF' then did he rape other women?

TheWindInThePillows · 30/05/2016 22:21

The only way I could move on is if I could have my say and ask questions as many times as I needed to make sense of it. I wouldn't be able to shut it down after one/two days and just put it back in the box. I have experience of this and once I knew I could bring it up at any time and still be heard (and still could many years on if I needed to) then I have been able to move on. I can't have taboo topics or things that can never be mentioned again, I could not live like that.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 30/05/2016 22:22

I was going to NC for this, but sod it, I seem to have forgotten my Password. I have read MOTFT and all of the OP's,

I'm from a nice white middle class family and when I was younger got quite heavily into drugs, was involved in, and saw some horrible things go down, terrible. I behaved in ways that are quite fucking alien to me now, I don't even see myself as the same person, I don't, I can't imagine doing now what I did then, it's inconceivable. There's a huge disconnect, it's something I did as a young troubled woman, that thank the fucking Lord, I managed to pull myself back from.

I reconnected with a friend from those years recently and many of our 'nice, middle class' contemporaries from those times have either not come out of it alive or have taken some very dark roads.

I can understand why he has compartmentalised the different parts of his life, the man he is today, is possibly, quite simply, not the young man he was back then, there doesn't need to be anything sinister about his motives. Possibly he carries a huge feeling of shame about those times, and it's easier to be flippant than to actually examine what was going on, and what drove those behaviours. I know in my case that's a fact, although, our pasts do have a way of finding us out eventually and the unexamined needs, in the end, to be looked at and incorporated in order to finally move forward.

It could actually end up being a very healthy thing for your relationship for your husband to tell you about his past and understand why it happened.

I know in my case, I finally met a man I could be completely frank with, it didn't come out easily, and I was terrified he would meet people from my past, but I eventually told him all and we have a great marriage, and I can't tell you what a different person I am today from the one I was then, the relief of someone knowing all about my past and accepting me, was immense.

I wish you both luck, I would counsel distance if you need it (which you obviously do), compassion, and a sharp ear for bullshit (ex-addicts are masters of the art).

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 22:23

saskdilemma could be right OP. Why has he been so nice to you in all the time you've known him? That's sinister in itself.

ExitPursuedByBear · 30/05/2016 22:24

😄

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:25

AnotherTimeMaybe He apologised in the best way a drugged up 22/23 year old could. He has apologised to me for the mind fuck yes.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:26

He's a great guy now

Ugh.

He's a guy who beat up and pimped out (and sorry, but using your girlfriend's trick money for drugs still counts, even if you share them with her) a woman and then walked away without a second glance or thought after she died.

He built an entire life on lies and deceit.

He never owned what he did, never atoned, never made amends.

You only knoe because he was rumbled.

He is pretty much the definition of a skeezy bastard.

There are nice guys with dodgy, druggy pasts. Some of them are close friends of mine.

But he is not one of them.

WriteforFun1 · 30/05/2016 22:26

I think Exit has been chased to the wrong thread by the bear...

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:27

HoundoftheBaskervilles Thank you so much. Some posters seem to believe that he is a psychopath because he doesn't behave like a prick anymore.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:30

I think he's been behaving like a prick ever since.

The good guys who are sorry for their zerious violent pasts don't pretend it never happened.

He talks about that woman he abused like a piece of trash, by your own admission.

Acting like a nice person and being a good person are two very different things.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:31

DoinItFine She is the one that introduced him to hard drugs and they did drugs together. They stole together lied together did disgusting things together. Did he make her stop selling herself? No. Can anyone make anyone stop selling themselves though? No. He was buying the drugs remember and it still wasn't enough for her.

I agree with blame the dirty whore but you guys must understand that I told DH I don't feel he has told me everything and he has admitted he hasn't. He has also said I know the worst and I believe that. I really do.

OP posts:
Lorsaidthedean · 30/05/2016 22:31

Limitedperiodonly; OP's post at 8.40 this morning stated he lied, stole, pimped
and cheated.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 22:31

I've seen drugs turn people into the devil. They really can change you.

Sounds horrible OP. I've never taken drugs except for the one time I was once given morphine in hospital. I didn't want to but the nurse said it would take the pain away and make me sleep. It did. It tasted of raspberries. I don't know whether morphine always tastes like that.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 22:33

Thanks Lorsaidthedean. I'll look it up

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/05/2016 22:33

Some posters seem to believe that he is a psychopath because he doesn't behave like a prick anymore.
That's not what they said or meant. We all find it odd that someone in that crime level went on to be such a lovely husband ... What happened in the meantime? Did he go to rehab ? Did he become a monk? Did he just wake up saying from now on he's a changed man? It doesn't add up , he's not telling you everything and problem is you're not asking much
But if you're happy...

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:35

Lorsaidthedean I shouldn't have said pimped because he never actually send her out on the street he just used the money she earned to buy drugs and never got her to stop. I was being frantic and should not have said that. At the time I was so angry I did feel like he was rewording certain things to make himself look less bad - so when he said she turned to selling herself I thought and I bet you helped her but it's not true he didn't and I believe him x

OP posts:
AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/05/2016 22:37

Sounds horrible OP. I've never taken drugs except for the one time I was once given morphine in hospital. I didn't want to but the nurse said it would take the pain away and make me sleep. It did. It tasted of raspberries. I don't know whether morphine always tastes like that.
I took it for 5 days tastes like shit and was throwing up constantly Confused

Rowanhart · 30/05/2016 22:37

I have completely missed the pimp, rape, murder stuff. Where was this?

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:38

AnotherTimeMaybe No rehab just went cold turkey and never touched them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:40

AnotherTimeMaybe Many posters have been kind and honest enough to share stories of their past addictions and all have said they don't even recognise the person they were. A couple of people have messaged me things worse / the same as DH and say they are completely reformed and again, don't even recognise that person. I wont out them but it helped me come to terms with the fact that drugs can turn you into a different person.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:41

Which rather suggests that he wasn't an addict, just someone who really enjoyed taking coke and crack.

Lots of people who indulge are not addicted.

He's far from alone in being able to just walk away when things got really shady.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:42

Rowanhart In the OP i said some insane stuff happened and that she overdosed. I didn't mention that at the height of the madness she accused him of rape when he wouldn't buy her crack and when she died her family accused him of being responsible.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:44

Drugs do not turn you into a different person.

Of course people who have done bad things while on drugs are invested in the idea that you can be a violent criminal.on drugs but retain your moral purity.

But the truth is that even peolle who really want some crack know that itbis not OK to beat up their girlfriends.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:45

DoinItFine Haunting point

OP posts:
PhylumChordata · 30/05/2016 22:48

So you're staying with the over privileged violent possible rapist.

Good luck OP. I think you deserve more but it's your call.

And upper middle classed men generally land on their feet. Heaven forfend he actually face up to what he's done or make amends. I expect there's some less privileged fuckers whose lives he's damaged who aren't quite so lucky.