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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 22:51

I find this all very interesting as in if this had never come out the way it did you'd still be oblivious wouldn't you OP? Maybe some food for thought

laidbackneko · 30/05/2016 22:54

I sympathise with you OP. Your situation makes me think about Amy Winehouse and Blake Civil Fielder as a comparison. Only the two of them knows what really happened and one of them is tragically dead. What will he tell his future wife? Difference is that she was a star and it was all over the news. No privacy there. But if you believe in him and your relationship then that's what you need to hold on to for your relationship to stay strong.

saskdilemma · 30/05/2016 22:55

Drugs don't magicly turn you into a different person- they remove the inhibitions. The social barriers/ and in some cases the self barriers. Although my initial comments were a bit too harsh- I do know people who let their true personality out on drugs (one of the reasons they get high).

PhylumChordata · 30/05/2016 22:57

Agree drugs don't change your whole personality. I've known a fair few users and they'd have the boundary about never hitting a woman no matter what state they were in.

ample · 30/05/2016 23:04

Was he ever going to tell me?
Why should he? Confused
We are all individuals; individuals with a past, some more hectic than others. I was a bit wild in my 20's, I don't feel the need to share every detail and I certainly don't feel as if I'm hiding or lying.
Your DH didn't disclose a dark period in his past. We meet new people and we want to move on...start afresh. Unless he murdered his ex-gf then YABU for wanting to separate. Take time to let it sink in then move on together.

green18 · 30/05/2016 23:07

Separation seems drastic. Things are good now? You've been with him 10 years and he hasn't taken drugs I presume. you need that assurance from him and space without the DC is a good idea so you can ask what you want and when it crops up. It's his past but I would judge him on how he has been since with you .

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 23:07

Look guys this thread is driving me nuts I don't know what to do or think and everyone is actually making so many valid points which are so bloody different from one another.
I'm going with my instinct: He has told me the worst of it and doesn't want to talk about it for the very same reasons a few ex addicts on this post have mentioned. It's in the past and it's horrid to speak about.
He has never once berated me for being distant or upset - He's just said look I've told you and I'm not going to dissect every last thing it was a nasty time.
Most importantly he didn't kill or rape her. (every time I type that I think WTF has my life come to)

OP posts:
Citizensmith1 · 30/05/2016 23:07

mummymalta I've seen your updates, please just be careful ok?

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 23:08

PhylumChordata He didn't rape her I really believe him x

OP posts:
PhylumChordata · 30/05/2016 23:09

It's your decision and I feel so sorry for you. Fwiw you sound pretty together and strong.

Give yourself time and be really careful.

SuperFlyHigh · 30/05/2016 23:10

I agree with citizen be careful.

I had a wild past as in clubbing and drugs. Not that hard though. I will say one of my best friends sadly developed Bipolar no idea how etc or why. She ended her life about 10 years ago.

Ops partners life sounds way more serious than mine. No one we knew got serious or hurt anyone. I'd just keep my eyes very wide open.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/05/2016 23:10

OP you made your decision so good luck
If I were you I'd ask MNHQ to remove the thread so that it's not a reminder of the right or wrong decision you made especially as you want to make a fresh start and forget it all

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 23:11

Drugs do not turn you into a different person.

How do you know DoinItFine? Have you done drugs?

I never have. Apart from that time in hospital with the raspberry flavoured morphine which was quite nice but I didn't want to take it. The nurse made me. I still worry about what might have happened.

Green18 · 30/05/2016 23:12

Why has rape been mentioned? She was an addict too, sometimes they overdose. That isn't his fault. I presumed when you said he told nobody that you meant he didn't tell his family etc. He notified the police right?

DotForShort · 30/05/2016 23:13

Wow. I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine how to respond to such revelations.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 23:14

Citizensmith1 Whoever that guy was....he is in the past. My husband is lovely. Doesn't even drink. I'll be downing drinking a glass of red as soon as the kids are in bed and he'll just have a coffee. I've asked him a couple of times why he doesn't drink and he always calmly just says it's not for him and it just seemed so reasonable at the time. Loads of people simply don't I have a friend who has never ever ever touched a drop of alcohol so I never questioned.

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 30/05/2016 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JayDot500 · 30/05/2016 23:17

write A lot of us good 'uns have not needed to get violent with another person. Great! A lot of people who have been violent have seen how it got them nowhere, so they try hard to be a good un. What do you think jail time would achieve? Yes, he'd clear his debt to society, but why does society need a man who hasn't been taking drugs, or acted violent in over a decade, to serve jail time well past a time when it actually meant something. On to jail, where he's likely to brood over the fact his life is how ruined and he's let his children down. I hate to be dramatic, but you do know suicide is the #1 killer of men under 50?

The 'correct' thing to do isn't always the right thing to do. Arrogance or repentance can not change the past, but with time the OP will get a clearer picture of the man she married. The choice is hers. We should not be so eager to have her sacrifice her family when she herself cannot change his past

DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 23:17

How do you know DoinItFine? Have you done drugs?

Yes.

Do you drink?

Then you've done one of the most addictive and harmful drugs.

Did it make you into a completely different person?

One that bears no respinsibility for what you did while drunk?

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 23:17

PrivatePike until weds I needed a break I was going to jump out the window but that's another post x

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByBear · 30/05/2016 23:18

She made him take the nasty drugs.

Bless his little cotton socks.

nonladyofleisure · 30/05/2016 23:18

My opinion... He was clearly upset by this stuff and wanted it hidden. He clearly sees his life as something totally different and didn't want to taint it.

If he has told you this and you want to separate you have just proved him right for hiding it all these years? As if you'd never met bob you'd have never have known and be none the wiser and be happy.

Look at your life now. Is he any of these things? Is he your perfect husband? Don't look at it that he's lied to you, he's tried to protect both of you from a pretty shitty situation which he's probably a bit embarrassed about most likely hence the secrecy X i hope it all works out op X

fusionconfusion · 30/05/2016 23:20

Anytime you find yourself qualifying criticism of your partner by saying that they beat a former partner up "just once", you're sort of on to a loser. I feel for you Malta, but this thread is just insanely depressing. I'm glad people who've been addicted on this thread made better lives for themselves but it doesn't change the fact for me that listening to you say there's no way he raped this woman but he beat her just once makes me absolutely cringe. And he didn't want to talk about it, so he never told you because what ex prostitutes talk about their clients? Hmm.

Good luck to you, I hope you don't regret it.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 23:22

ExitPursuedByBear At first thats how i saw DH - a spoilt white middle class boy who ran away from a horrid mess and got to pretend it never happened. But it's a lot more complicated than that and some people on here really changed my view I'm so grateful to everyone on this thread you have no idea of how much you all have helped me. The most important thing is that I know that guy is in the past he's been sober for over ten years. I'm going to leave it with him and lets see if we can move forward. If I have the burning desire to ask more questions I will and if he refuses that will be a very big issue. For now I'm happy with our truce.

OP posts:
fusionconfusion · 30/05/2016 23:23

And as the daughter of an abusive alcoholic who often meets other children of alcoholics who think we are in the same boat because our parents were addicted, let me tell you this - there is no excuse, no amount of drugs, no get out of jail free card for undertaking hideous or criminal behaviour when you are under the influence, no matter what any reformed addict might want to believe. Your copybook is blotted with that type of suffering, it's blotted - and that's something that people need never to minimise. As soon as people blame that behaviour on the substance, they are minimising the extent of it. It was still you. Sorry.