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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has hidden some heavy stuff...AIBU to want to separate?

829 replies

mummymalta · 29/05/2016 22:53

3 weeks ago DH revealed some very personal things which I feel I should have known before we got married. To be honest, we are all entitled to secrets and personal experiences I suppose, but where do you draw the line?

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for 7. He's my best friend, I feel like I knew and loved him so much. Affirming these things is very strange to me. We were solid.

A "friend" of DH from the country he used to live in came to a party of a mutual friend of ours. Lets call him Bob. I don't know Bob, DH has only mentioned him briefly and my friend knows him but not well. He came with my friends brother who he is sort of close to. DH didn't want to come to the party (long day) and didn't know Bob would be there. I kissed the kids and ran out the house desperate for freedom on a friday night went to the party.

Get to the party and was enjoying child free time when my friends brother came over to say hi with Bob. "Bob you haven't met DH's wife have you? it's been about 12 years right? "
Bob: "Holy shit - you know I barely remember those days"
He then made a slick comment about him and DH being on coke half the time. I really cant remember what he said verbatim but I sort of nervously laughed (was shocked and he was drunk) and excused myself.

Naturally went home and curiously prodded DH the next morning in bed who waffled about trying it a couple of times and said Bob was a royal prick with a big bouth. I was uneasy that he didn't tell me but nothing divorce worthy. I ask why he didn't tell me and prodded as you do (smelled a rat, wife spidey sense) and then he told me:

He had a coke habit when he went to live abroad in his early twenties right before I met him. He said it was just a bit of fun and just when it started getting a bit out of control he met a girl who he really loved. They had a real relationship and spent a year getting high. Only god knows how he kept his job, but of course drug addiction doesn't necessarily have a face. Anyway she had previously had a heroin addiction and they started doing heavier stuff. He freaked out and ended it. She stopped picking up her mobile and he went to check on her she's dead in flat. Huge drama with her family/ police / drug debt I wont get into it but its fucking insane. He comes home tells no one traumatised. We meet about a year and a half later.

I didnt sense one thing - he spoke of his couple of years abroad quite normally but rarely looking back. I thought nothing of it why would I?

I'm still in shock, not just from the incident, but of the fact that he didn't tell me. I was so shocked that I just said he needs to give me time to digest it. We haven't spoken about it since because I've just shut down. I don't know what's wrong with me - I feel nothing. It's like he's a stranger now. We had a very happy and passionate marriage. Such a great banter affection. Even the kids sense something is off. He keeps trying to talk about it but i don't even hear a word he's saying. I just keep on thinking who are you?

AIBU to want to separate for a bit? I have had no time to digest this?! He said lets send the kids to their nans for half term and deal with this so off they go tomorrow.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 21:50

x-post JayDot

Emilyfarnsbarns · 30/05/2016 21:51

Yes, exactly as JayDot500 said it.
I would think the fact that he has been teetotal, apart from a sip at his wedding, speaks volumes about him not wanting to go anywhere near the sort of person he was.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 21:53

OP, if it wouldn't out you, do you still live in the seedy world of NYC or do you live somewhere that DH could avoid the temptation to take drugs and be violent towards women?

DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 21:54

He went through hell

A person who repents bestingband pimping a former drug addicted girlfriend who died of an overdose soon afterwards is not focused on their own victimhood.

He did not go through hell.

He put other people through hell bevause he liked getting high on coke and crack.

Rowanhart · 30/05/2016 21:55

Yes, being kind to hubby in this circumstances is like Mills and Boon, Zsa Zsa.

Maybe just having a good relationship is....Hmm

ClashCityRocker · 30/05/2016 21:56

But that's another betrayal, isn't it? If he's carrying this in his head all the time to the extent that he thinks about it every day, surely it is a significant part of who he is/what made him who he is today and therefore should be shared to a degree with his wife.

I am not without sympathy for him; it's surprisingly easy to watch your life spiral out of control. I do think he owed it to the person who was pledging to spend the rest of her life with him to make her aware of his history - at least in outline. It would make it very difficult to trust finding out something so big ten years down the line.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 21:58

Did he admit pimping his girlfriend? I have RTFT but I'm a bit hazy on that. I know OP says he didn't murder her.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/05/2016 21:58

limitedperiodonly she said they live in London

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/05/2016 22:01

OP btw if you're still reading did he apologise to you? Did he apologise to the victim'so family? How did he make peace with himself and the situation?

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 22:02

Oh dear AnotherTimeMaybe. So do I. I don't do drugs but the temptation is always there.

DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:06

Yes, he admits to pimping her.

Although he might try to use another word for encouraging her to turn tricks and then using the money to buy drugs for himself.

WriteforFun1 · 30/05/2016 22:07

Jay "t excusable but it's how it happened). There has been 10years of relative peaceful existance. If we don't allow ourselves to believe a man like this couldn't ever repent and live peacefully then what point is there of calling ourselves civil?"

Well, I've never committed violence against a person. Nor am I saying this man deserves life in prison. But I do think he should have served time for beating someone up, yes. That doesn't make me uncivil. I believe he can live peacefully but he doesn't sound repentant and even if he was, the deed is done, the poor woman was beaten. By him. No reason to rush to forgiveness, this isn't a case of an addict pick pocketing for money.

WriteforFun1 · 30/05/2016 22:08

Doinitfine, your post is spot on.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:11

When i first started this thread everyone was saying be supportive - even after i elaborated. Now the tone has changed and now I'm being too soft. I'm just coming to a middle. I expressed myself and he listened. He then had his say and made it clear that he told me the worst of it and he doesn't want to relive every horrible thing he did. I'm not over it by the way all I'm saying is that in terms of pushing for more answers I'm done; he isn't budging. It's up to me to decide how I feel over time and act accordingly. But yes, I did soften up a bit today when he communicated a bit more and took a stand. It may not be the one I wanted but it puts things into perspective and lets me know where I stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:13

WriteforFun1 You're right. I called him nonchalant and he said "It's not that or even that i've forgiven myself it's that I've moved on"
What do I say back?
He said he understands i need time and will not push me to behave like nothing happened but he doesn't want to go through every gritty detail or talk about it again - Isn't that fair?

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:15

He's not budging.

That definitely sounds like a man who deeply regrets the abuse he meted out to a former girlfriend. Hmm

WriteforFun1 · 30/05/2016 22:15

OP we're not a hive mind, many of us feel as we did at the start. There's no general tone for MN.

There's no point pushing for answers but sadly I think what he's confirmed may be the tip of an iceberg.

limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 22:16

Yes, he admits to pimping her.

Really? That's shocking. Where was that?

saskdilemma · 30/05/2016 22:17

OP, don't you just shudder to think a man can attempt to do that to your children(regardless of gender) ? yANBU Flowers. Your poor children... What a monster he is. Perhaps as time goes by- you'll revisit most memories of him acting weirdly ( which at the time you put it down to being overprotective, romantic...caring) to downright controlling. I wouldn't let my DH anywhere near me if I were in your shoes. I have a gay cousin and there are a lot of rich white men who treat coloured men like whores( no different to the straight kind) after reading the entire thread... I feel so bad for you OP. You've worked your entire life to get away from that( and every mner should be proud of you for that) to find that your own husband did heinous things.

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:17

DoinItFine I know.Disgusting. How do you feel about addiction and reforming yourself? Are we ever able to move on from our past? Are we ever allowed to do wrong then move forward and do right?
He's a great guy now - I'll never forgive or forget whats happened. It's unforgivable and unforgettable. But can't people live with horrid events and still move forward if that makes sense. It's out there and it happened. Does that mean we never move forward???

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 30/05/2016 22:19

What do I say back?

You could say you're moving on too, OP. I wonder what he'd say to that?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 30/05/2016 22:19

But OP what made him a changed man?
I've asked before did he apologise to the gf's family? Did he apologise to you? How is he considered reformed?

Original poster
mummymalta · 30/05/2016 22:19

limitedperiodonly Look I think female exploitation is disgusting but he never pimped her. Yes he used the money for them to both get high but he also bought her drugs too. No he did not stop the prostitution. Not the same as pimping her. I've seen drugs turn people into the devil. They really can change you.

OP posts:
Windsofwinter · 30/05/2016 22:19

I'll never forgive or forget whats happened. It's unforgivable and unforgettable

What is your plan then?

DoinItFine · 30/05/2016 22:19

he doesn't want to go through every gritty detail or talk about it again - Isn't that fair?

No, it's not fair.

A young woman that he abused and took advantage of is dead.

He might not have murdered her, but he is not morally in the clear for her death, the miserable life she had before she died, or his callous discarding of her.

He won't even trouble himself to talk about her a few years later because he has "moved on"? Hmm

It sounds like he doesn't think he has anything to forgive himself for.