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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I might be gay, but not come out?

26 replies

tiffanypink · 29/05/2016 18:16

A few years ago now I really fell for a woman. She was all I could think about. I thought it was a one off.

Now it's happened again with a different woman. (I am not planning on acting on these feelings, by the way.)

I don't know if I'm gay, or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiffanypink · 29/05/2016 18:17

I have namechanged by the way.

OP posts:
x2boys · 29/05/2016 18:18

Are you attracted to men as well or just women could you be bisexual?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 29/05/2016 18:19

Why don't you want to come out?

Meeep · 29/05/2016 18:19

Why don't you want to act on your feelings? Are you with a man?

DerelictMyBalls · 29/05/2016 18:21

Absolutely no need to come out. I never came out as straight, why should you have to come out as gay? You don't have to decide if you are gay, straight, bi, whatever.

Are the feelings for this woman reciprocated ?

Original poster
tiffanypink · 29/05/2016 18:24

No, feelings aren't reciprocated - every woman I've liked has been straight so attracted to men anyway. The feelings I have just confuse me a bit.

OP posts:
TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 18:24

YANBU. Totally up to you whether you want to come out or not. Depends on your personal circumstances. You're not totally sure you are gay yet.

DerelictMyBalls · 29/05/2016 18:25

I think it's perfectly normal to have crushes like this. I have had them and I am very happily married. They always pass. Are you in a relationship?

sigmaFTlabarinth · 29/05/2016 18:26

I'm of the opinion that the gender of the person you fall far is immaterial, it's the qualities that that person has. It can be difficult when the gender of that person dents a stereotype of the gender identity that a person has ascribed to themselves and can cause some soul-searching as you come to terms with it.

Relax, be cool with yourself, and don't beat your self up about it.

Randomposter · 29/05/2016 18:31

They're just crushes, until you actually have sex with a woman you can't really say you're a lesbian or bi. But even then you could just be bi-curious ( unless you keep going back for more )
Relax.

Toomuch2young · 29/05/2016 18:33

random do you have to have slept with someone of the opposite sex to know you are straight?!

Toomuch2young · 29/05/2016 18:34

tiffany if you are single is no harm in dating some women and seeing how things turn out. It doesn't have to be a big announcement right now. Just see how things go.

Randomposter · 29/05/2016 18:44

Who you sleep with does define who you are sexually, yes. I could find the idea of robbing a bank quite exciting, but unless I actually do it I'm not a bank robber.
Loads of woman fantasize about sex with other women, that means nothing until put into practice. & yes I know there are 60 year old virgins who would describe themselves as straight/ gay whatever - but they're a tiny minority.

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/05/2016 18:45

until you actually have sex with a woman you can't really say you're a lesbian or bi

Completely wrong, and patronising to those of us who were certain of our sexual orientation from an early age.

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/05/2016 18:46

Who you sleep with does define who you are sexually, yes.

No. Who you are attracted to defines it. You don't get to decide other people's identity for them based on an arbitrary distinction you've applied.

Randomposter · 29/05/2016 18:50

No it's not wrong. given that we're told women's sexuality is fairly fluid & can change as they get older.

Toomuch2young · 29/05/2016 18:53

random what a strange analogy, sexuality is nothing like criminal desires.
It is your view that can be very damaging to young people, I hope if your teenage DC confided to you they were gay you wouldn't suggest they had to sleep with someone to be sure! wonko nailed it - it is who you are innately attracted to, you could easily be a celibate lesbian, and still be attracted to women.

Toomuch2young · 29/05/2016 18:55

Oh I see just women's sexuality that is being undermined.

Sorry for derailing op. Is nothing at all wrong with experimenting and being unsure.

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/05/2016 18:55

No, you are wrong and you're propagating a fairly damaging attitude about lesbian sexuality - that it's a phase, that it might change etc. Some of us do know and are sure. Your refusal to accept that I, and most other people, know best about our own sexuality is troubling. And your comparison to a bank robbery just highlights how little you know about identity vs. action. However, this argument isn't what the OP was after so I'll leave you to your ignorant opinion.

Randomposter · 29/05/2016 18:56

Fair enough, you obviously know more about this subject than I do - so is the op gay or not?

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/05/2016 18:58

She might be. She might be bi. She might be neither. She needs to work that out for herself. Didn't I just say that no-one can tell someone else what their sexuality is?

icanteven · 29/05/2016 19:03

Random By the same logic is a straight man who lacks the confidence to approach a woman, and is still a virgin at, say 25, not actually straight?

I see what you're saying, but I'm not sure that you have to lose your virginity to be straight/gay/whatever. Nor is it possible to "diagnose" the OP's sexuality based on what she has said, I think.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 29/05/2016 19:07

Random - I knew I was queer for over a decade before I actually had sex with a woman. I define as a gay woman now but have previously had sex with a man, although in general I'm only attracted to woman. I feel like I "experimented" with men, rather than being bisexual.

OP- only you know how you feel, only you can decide if you could be bi or gay or whatever. And it isn't a magical realisation for many people, it's a process that for some of us takes years!

Yadnbu to not come out unless you want to.

I wasn't exactly in the closet, in that I didn't lie, but I certainly wasn't out until last year when I started going out with a woman. I'm still coming out to people a year later because people make assumptions and it's not like I threw a big "hi I'm gay" party to announce it to everyone I know. I was very low key.

I highly recommend Autostraddle website, it has a huge variety of stories, including people who didn't come out til later in life.

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 29/05/2016 19:09

You don't have to come out, it's no-one else's business quite frankly but if you have had two non-reciprocated crushes because the women in question are straight, then I would potentially be looking in your local What's on type guide to find out where there are some local LGBT get togethers/activities.
Or you carry on as you are and hope the next spark you feel with whomever is requited.

Randomposter · 29/05/2016 19:14

Yes sorry, I've not explained what I'm trying to say very well.
I think what I'm trying to say is ( & to advise the op ) that crushes are just that, crushes - they're not the same as having sex with someone.