to have made my mother cry yet again?

[slightlyirritable]

Don't know where to start- right now I am at home under a duvet while my husband and daughter are out enjoying the funfair. Yet another run in with my mother has left me reeling and I can't cope with people right now. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm 45, my mother is 73. Frankly, we're both too old to change! To keep this post under a million pages long, let's just say she has never been happy with my standards of cleaning and tidying. There are various reasons why I am the way I am- all look like excuses when I type them, but there we are. I am not a bad person.

Our daughter's going to be 4 next week. She has barely slept through the night ever. We both have full time jobs- DH leaves at 6am. We are lucky to work locally and very lucky that my parents look after DD outside nursery hours. She starts school in September.

We do our best to keep the bombsite that is our house under control, but not easy to find time that works while DD is awake and when she goes to sleep, we collapse. My parents are in this house every day for pick up and drop off (I don't drive, so I can't take her to them)

on Thursday we had the latest 'last straw'. Wait for it.....yellow broccoli.

For reasons beyond my comprehension, DD has decided to keep veg out of the fridge. I decided it wasn't worth an argument and let it continue. Mother discovered the broccoli before I'd had a chance to come downstairs. She described it as 'rotten'. It wasn't. There was also some spinach and potatoes, also apparently rotten. I never got to see them as Dad had whisked the offending articles out of the house lest we all die of yellow broccoli contamination.

Cue lecture about standards - I've had 45 years of this one- and the implications that my daugher's health is at risk. And we may all have food poisoning without even knowing it. Which is where my patience ran out. And I am told we live in squalor. Etc.

in the evening she comes in as if nothing has happened.

2 days later and they have DD for the morning so we can tidy up. This has by now been turned into a bigger deal than it really is. I phone to ask what time we're getting DD back. I get the usual answer to a totally different question, we go back down the yellow broccoli road and then I learn the shock revelation that inside a sealed box, which was inside a sealed bag, in a rucksack, were some leftover strawberries from last week, which we'd forgotten to take out after a walk. More lecture then she wound herself up into tears and hung up.

So I have made my mother cry yet again.

Literally the only thing that matters about my life to her is cleaning and tidying. She is stupidly over-happy if I do a bit of dusting and almost suicidal if I don't- which is more often than the first one.

I can hear people shouting (if they've survived this far) "so just tidy then" but it's not that simple. and if I do, there's something else. always something

When DD starts school, I'll be able to walk her there in the morning, so they don't have to come here, but in the afternoon, she wants to come back here and stay for the 2 hours before I get in, and cook dinner as well. They live 5 mins away. I don't think this is going to enhance the family harmony situation.

I have signed up a team of cleaners who come over and blitz every few months- I can't get on top of the tidying more often than that, so it's better than nothing.

I am crafty, knitting, sewing, etc. I hardly do any of it any more, as you can't enjoy yourself while there's chores to be done, but I do spend time with DD making things and to me the one hour I have with her before bedtime is precious. We have clutter. I created solutions, but they became problems. My mum 'tidies' by shoving everything anywhere it will go, so within one day, all the bits from DD's games are separated, never to be found again. Anything I put down, disappears and later turns up in the most random of drawers.

So I've sort of given up, as I'm going to be wrong anyway, whatever I do.

Finding this exhausting and hating myself. Even more so for my mother being in tears because of me.

We are all good people and everyone's miserable. My daughter is a fantastic little girl and I have worked hard to make sure she is growing up happy, healthy and confident, and with a sense of self. She is sociable and everyone loves her. I was a shy, quiet, nervous child. I don't want her to grow up like I did.

I'm so sorry this is so long.

[YouTheCat]

If it was dh and not dd re veg then tell him to sod off.

[slightlyirritable]

SanityClause you are right- I need to suck it up. On Thursday, I failed to.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I'm not sure to be honest how many people get a house given to them and an awful lot of childcare.

Surely your 4 year old can amuse herself for long enough on a weekend for you to do some housework. Surely you are just giving her ammunition by asking her to look after your child whilst you and your husband spend hours cleaning.

[Merd]

I just wanted to let off steam and find some solidarity, so I apologise if I'm in the wrong place.

You're not. Many people can't understand having a parent with MH issues and it sounds like your mum has them in spades.

Big and hugs from me.

You didn't make her cry. She did. She's a grown woman who cries about some vegetables out of the fridge in someone else's house

This.

You need to watch out that the way your mother treats you does not have a devastating effect on your relationship with your DD.

And this!

[NotYoda]

slightly

I don't think that's the message you should be taking from this.

I think the message is that you mother has constructed it this way so one way to not play her game is to not rely on her.

It is not that we should all let people walk all over us as long as they are helping us - not at all

[VagueIdeas]

I think the crux of the issue is she hates the fact her house has descended into "squalor".

It must be hard for her to accept that the house - which presumably she loved living in and had some pride in keeping it looking nice - is something she no longer has control over. And if it really is very messy, I'm afraid she'll always feel sad about that.

Her reaction may be OTT and unreasonable, but it sounds like you aren't so unlike her and have issues with emotional intelligence yourself.

Could you maybe get the cleaners in more regularly than once every six months? At least then the house will be tidier for longer.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Or does your mum want your permission to clean for you - if so - I'd hand her the flash and a mop and go and have a cup of tea in the garden

[slightlyirritable]

Thanks all. I'm going to go now, as exhausting reading all this.
Many lessons learned for future posts, especially that you (obviously) get judged on what you share and there may be more things I should have said to explain better.

DH is veg criminal, not DD!!!

and they are back from the fair now, so it's family time. Bye!!

[NotYoda]

Does she boss your dad?

[SloppyDailyMailJournalism]

Oh OP This is your mum's issue, not yours. I would prefer my children to grow up in a more relaxed environment with a bit of yellow brocolli (and anyway, it does go yellow incredibly quickly at this time of year - but that is beside the point) than be obsessional and anxious like she is.

I would really suggest that once your daughter starts school you draw a line under things and create some distance. Sell it as being for both your sakes, but really, it is none of her business and it must really stress you out (and make you even worse).

[Hairyspiderinyourunderwear]

Sounds like you really need to do one or more of the following

-sell your house and move closer to school/nursery in a house that your mother doesn't feel is still hers
-hire a child minder
-learn to drive (if you are able)
-stop inviting your mother in and make it clear she is not welcome unless she can keep her opinions to herself
-hire a weekly cleaner if you can afford it so you can spend some of your chore time doing your hobbies that you miss.

So many people saying "but your house could be a real pigsty and your mother may be right" come on people, if the most she has to complain about is yellow fricking broccoli then her house is fine.

[NotYoda]

slightly

I think most of us understand full well what you are taking about.

I am not surprised it's exhausting - this is quite deep relationship stuff

I'd follow a dive to post again on Relationships if you want help to process it all a bit more

[NotYoda]

advice not a dive

[LadyIncuntliaButtock]

Your husband has to be quieter when he is getting up, that much is simple, otherwise he's refusing to respect your needs and those of your DD regarding sleep.

Similarly, as others have said, your daughter needs some boundaries around sleep/bedtime. With the best will in the world, this is a classic PFB situation that you need to address now. As parents, we all want our children to be happy and well-adjusted, but sometimes you need to appreciate that not everyone will see or perceive them to be the perfect child you do. I think you are only storing up trouble for yourself later with this.

As for the house: if your mum won't stop putting things away, you need to be upfront with her and tell her it must stop. You also need to consider alternative childcare arrangements if she is pushing you around like this. Equally, you need to get your arse in gear and get on top of things, with no excuses. If something isn't used, it gets donated to charity or recycled. If something is on the turn, use it that day or recycle it.

If the house is getting in such a state where it has to be blitzed every six months, that's on you and not your mother. It shouldn't be in that state in the first place, although it doesn't need to be a fucking palace either. Can't your daughter learn to help you and your DH to tidy up (doing really simple things suitable for her age), rather than seeing you get so fraught over the issue?

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

Sounds like my DM, who told me that she doesn't come and visit her grandchildren more often because my house is, apparently, disgusting. It's not. It's just not up to her standards. Wish I could have told her to fuck off then. But as you say, she's my mother.

[Hairyspiderinyourunderwear]

oh come on, my mother loves to clean and does it constantly and she would still find stuff to blitz for hours every six months.

[VioletVaccine]

There's a huge difference between a messy house, and a dirty house.

If DM is getting her big girl knickers in a twist over a bit clutter, she needs to get a bloody grip.
If DM is concerned over health reasons for her DGD in a dirty home, she isn't quite so U as she also spends time there too.

She will though, always think she has the right to interfere comment, while you live in a home she still sees as 'hers', and while she is caring for DGD, she will think it's her prerogative to comment judge on the home she's caring for her in.
I'm not saying that's right, it's just how it will be I imagine.

I do hope you get things sorted however you manage them with her OP, Good Luck 🍀

[Gide]

Your mum is OCD :( Yellow broccoli is not world ending.

Giving them your DD for 4 hours while you clean demonstrates that a) they're right, you need to clean b) you can't cope with having her and cleaning. Bad move on your part.

You need to tell your mum to back off. There is a new life form evolving in my fridge half the time.

[diddl]

Yup, you didn't make your mum cry-she did by getting into a lather about broccoli!

Why would telling your husband that veg should be in the fridge cause an argument?(if you think that it should)

"I phone to ask what time we're getting DD back."

Eh? she's your daughter-you tell her what time you're collecting her!

[mummytime]

The six month clean sounds extreme, not sure my house ever has the back of every radiator clean at the same time.

If you have to take to your bed because of how your mother spoke to you - then you have a mother problem. The solution to which is to be less emeshed.

However you aren't prepared to do that so YABU.

I would never have parents letting themselves into my house. As an adult you shouldn't be seeing them everyday. And reading between the lines your house (apart from the odd thing with vegetables) could be tidier/cleaner than mine.

[Shannyfanny]

Op I know this isn't what you want to hear and your mother sounds annoying but so was mine and I would give anything to see my mother again and have stupid arguments over nothing.

[KitKats28]

The problem with giving your parent/s so much input to your life is that they then expect to be able to have an opinion on every part of it. If you suddenly turned into a super-cleaner, your mother would then find something else to stick her nose into.

This is what happens when people share every aspect of their life, every decision, every thought, with their parent/s. It seems to have become a fairly modern phenomenon that adult children (daughters especially) have their mothers running around after them and tell them everything, but then expect them to have no opinion on anything.

The old way of "it takes a village" allowed two way dialogue between people caring for children. Indeed it was expected. When I was a baby, for various reasons, my mother and I, my maternal grandparents and a great aunt lived together until I was 17 months. Childcare was a group effort, as was cleaning, cooking and working outside the home. This gave everyone an equal say in all matters.

I think the problem you have is that you have had a house and childcare from your mum and you are expecting to give nothing in return. Your mum has invested financially and emotionally in your little family and in her mind she isn't getting a return on her investment.

I have to say that I have been a full time working mum with a full time working husband and I'm really not understanding how you both find it so difficult to keep the place clean and tidy. I am a total slob at heart but it's not hard to put stuff away when you've finished with it and run the Hoover round every day. If you each did 20 minutes every day, then you wouldn't be wasting 5 hours on a Saturday when you could be having fun.

[notonyurjellybellynelly]

As an adult you shouldn't be seeing them everyday

Dont be ridiculous.

[SallyMcgally]

OP if it makes you feel better my DM once sat crying because there was dust on the leaves of my sisters's swiss cheese plant. This same woman has the vilest dish clothes in the world and a fridge full of out of date food. My lovely godmother was driven to distraction by her son's utterly chaotic house. When he died far too young, she saw the way all his friends came back to the house for his wake, looking out for his 4 kids, bringing food and memories, and thought that he'd got it absolutely right. He'd spent time making people happy rather than weeping over yellow brocolli or Swiss cheese plants.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Sorry I missed the DD/DH veg corrections ( tell him not to be such an idiot), I'm not at home and the internet connection is awful so we cross posted.

Your parents practically gave you the house, they look after your DD so you can both work full time, they look after her other times too so that you can 'get things done' - the dynamic is that of parent/teenager. Not parent/adult. Tbh I'm not surprised she's frustrated & upset and you are depressed. I'm not sure how, at this late stage, living in a house gifted to you and dependent on them for childcare, you can change that dynamic, but you could start by acting like the adult you wish to be treat like.