to have made my mother cry yet again?

[slightlyirritable]

Don't know where to start- right now I am at home under a duvet while my husband and daughter are out enjoying the funfair. Yet another run in with my mother has left me reeling and I can't cope with people right now. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm 45, my mother is 73. Frankly, we're both too old to change! To keep this post under a million pages long, let's just say she has never been happy with my standards of cleaning and tidying. There are various reasons why I am the way I am- all look like excuses when I type them, but there we are. I am not a bad person.

Our daughter's going to be 4 next week. She has barely slept through the night ever. We both have full time jobs- DH leaves at 6am. We are lucky to work locally and very lucky that my parents look after DD outside nursery hours. She starts school in September.

We do our best to keep the bombsite that is our house under control, but not easy to find time that works while DD is awake and when she goes to sleep, we collapse. My parents are in this house every day for pick up and drop off (I don't drive, so I can't take her to them)

on Thursday we had the latest 'last straw'. Wait for it.....yellow broccoli.

For reasons beyond my comprehension, DD has decided to keep veg out of the fridge. I decided it wasn't worth an argument and let it continue. Mother discovered the broccoli before I'd had a chance to come downstairs. She described it as 'rotten'. It wasn't. There was also some spinach and potatoes, also apparently rotten. I never got to see them as Dad had whisked the offending articles out of the house lest we all die of yellow broccoli contamination.

Cue lecture about standards - I've had 45 years of this one- and the implications that my daugher's health is at risk. And we may all have food poisoning without even knowing it. Which is where my patience ran out. And I am told we live in squalor. Etc.

in the evening she comes in as if nothing has happened.

2 days later and they have DD for the morning so we can tidy up. This has by now been turned into a bigger deal than it really is. I phone to ask what time we're getting DD back. I get the usual answer to a totally different question, we go back down the yellow broccoli road and then I learn the shock revelation that inside a sealed box, which was inside a sealed bag, in a rucksack, were some leftover strawberries from last week, which we'd forgotten to take out after a walk. More lecture then she wound herself up into tears and hung up.

So I have made my mother cry yet again.

Literally the only thing that matters about my life to her is cleaning and tidying. She is stupidly over-happy if I do a bit of dusting and almost suicidal if I don't- which is more often than the first one.

I can hear people shouting (if they've survived this far) "so just tidy then" but it's not that simple. and if I do, there's something else. always something

When DD starts school, I'll be able to walk her there in the morning, so they don't have to come here, but in the afternoon, she wants to come back here and stay for the 2 hours before I get in, and cook dinner as well. They live 5 mins away. I don't think this is going to enhance the family harmony situation.

I have signed up a team of cleaners who come over and blitz every few months- I can't get on top of the tidying more often than that, so it's better than nothing.

I am crafty, knitting, sewing, etc. I hardly do any of it any more, as you can't enjoy yourself while there's chores to be done, but I do spend time with DD making things and to me the one hour I have with her before bedtime is precious. We have clutter. I created solutions, but they became problems. My mum 'tidies' by shoving everything anywhere it will go, so within one day, all the bits from DD's games are separated, never to be found again. Anything I put down, disappears and later turns up in the most random of drawers.

So I've sort of given up, as I'm going to be wrong anyway, whatever I do.

Finding this exhausting and hating myself. Even more so for my mother being in tears because of me.

We are all good people and everyone's miserable. My daughter is a fantastic little girl and I have worked hard to make sure she is growing up happy, healthy and confident, and with a sense of self. She is sociable and everyone loves her. I was a shy, quiet, nervous child. I don't want her to grow up like I did.

I'm so sorry this is so long.

[Becomingmom]

I have OCD particularly when I'm pregnant, and it's about stuff like "yellow broccoli" and forgotten strawberries. Without being rude your mother reacted the exact way I would have done if im going through a tough time with OCD and fear of contamination/bad food. I would have cried over the strawberries because it was out of my control and already everything else was "contaminated" and id be panicking about the health of the baby and the pregnancy blah blah blah.

[janey77]

Luckily for me, my mum has only ever come to my house about 5 times since I've lived here (we're talking 15 years or so)..... I drop my DD round to hers so she gets a taste of the way I have to live due to a five year old whirlwind! Seriously, I wouldn't worry, if your mum saw our house she'd probably explode

[Batmansunderpants]

OP, you can have your house in whatever state you want, as you know, your an adult. I think the broccoli is a red herring. Your mothers state of mind, like her crying is not your responsibility.

[bbpp]

Your last post suggested suicidal tendencies, "so thanks for making me feel the world would be better without me" because somebody didn't agree with you. You have to have bed days and lock yourself away after a tiff with your mother. And by the sounds of it, you're not able to keep your house at a reasonable standard. You say there are reasons you are the way you are, mental health issues? Are you getting help?

I don't believe your mother is really crying over yellowing broccoli, but it's the straw that broke the camels back. She's seeing you struggling and not keeping on top of things. This to me reads like a grandma with her best interests at heart for her daughter and grandchild, and a mother who is in denial.

Really. I mean this nicely, go to the GP because you are not coping.

[Suzy33]

OP this is my first ever response, but I felt I needed to respond. I obviously don't know you or your mum but it seems obvious to me, she isn't crying over a mouldy strawberry or yellow broccoli- she is in tears because she worried about you. If she is a neat freak it will be because she believes that is the right way to be - remembering her era, children were "taken away" for a number of spurious reasons and untidiness could have been seen in those days as neglect. I am not saying for one minute that way of thinking is right. I just want to urge you to sit down and talk to your mum, find out what the route of her worry is. Without being defensive at all. Once you understand that you are 90% on the way to fixing it. 💐

[MrsJoeyMaynard]

OP, if you're still reading, for future reference, AIBU is not the best place to post if it's a subject that you feel sensitive about.

Opinions expressed are often robust and very direct, and that can be hard to read if it's something, like this, that you're already feeling upset about.

[Fairenuff]

Also in AIBU, you're actually asking people to tell you whether they think you are being unreasonable based on what you post.

Your reaction to that seems extreme and you have used petulant, passive aggressive language instead of engaging properly with posters and talking it over. As a pp noticed, you have gone into teenager mode and your flounce is your way of stomping off and slamming the door.

There is obviously much more to this and I agree that a visit to the gp might be best as a first step with possible counselling sessions to follow.

One thing is certain; if you don't change anything, nothing will change.

[gotthemoononastick]

I usually try to post advice empathetically and positively.However...

Nominate OP for Newbie ' Flouncer' of the year and hands her mother the' Perseverance' medal.

[Merd]

No; again - the flouncing is a symptom of a bigger problem with the OP's life and relationships.

I do sometimes think there should be an automatic popup before brand new potentially sensitive members post saying something like "watch out, this is AIBU not Chat or _Relationships - you might get less abrupt responses in other parts of the forum".

But such is the nature of the internet I guess - and other people do love having a place where they can just project out their own frustrations about (say) cleaning instead of looking at the bigger picture. While others like me project their issues with relationships on to what might be a cleaning thread. None of us are professional counsellors after all.

[Fortuana]

Why don't the aged Ps take your dd to their home and you pick her up from there ? Seems a simple sloution to me - your mum doesn't see your home and doesn't have reason to meltdown on occasions.
I have to give your mum credit, 73 and allocating so much of her time and energy to look after your dd. It can't be easy for her.
How does your father feel about it all ?

[GoodLoveShinesBrightly]

She might be allocating a lot of time, but it's a bit pointless if she's going to be a martyr about it (which she may or may not be doing). It's hard to tell really what's going on but it all whiffs a bit of more complex and perhaps a bit dysfunctional/over invested in general.

[Bornfree2]

Your mother is not respecting your boundaries or showing any insight into how her insensitivity is impacting your peace of mind.It is difficult to start asking for boundaries to be respected.I would recommend choosing one clear request at a time.Use the broken record strategy;just clearly repeat your request.You do not need to explain,justify,or defend your life choices.It is your family;your home;your life.There are some really good assertiveness workshops and self help books out there.Most of all I would prioritise more time with the people in your life who do respect and value you for who you are,and not for how much housework you do !I found I felt less effected by my own mothers judgements,when I made more time for like minded people who know it is relationships,and not stuff,which bring into our lives meaning and joy.I hope this helps !

[Ekchicago]

Wow I feel I could have written this. It's like you are the English version of me! Nothing I do is ever good enough or clean enough. My hair is never right and my shoes just get uglier and uglier. We battled for years and she knew how to push my buttons till finally I had enough. I noticed everyone started treating me with disrespect sooner or later because she programmed me that way. I struggled with boundaries because she didn't let me have any. Your mother is a narcisist. You are never going to change her or please her so except it and stop letting her win. She wins every time she upsets you, makes you go loopy and when you get "crazy" for fighting back and attempting to defend yourself. You will never win but you can stop letting her win by pushing your mental well being over the edge. Read The wizard of oz and other narcissists. I just finished it and it blows away the others I read on being the daughter of a narcisist. I've read many! And she can no longer affect me and that drives her crazy. 😆