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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with dh

103 replies

ampersandand · 29/05/2016 09:26

Dh gets up with ds1 (21 months old) as I'm up in the night with ds2 (4 months old). Dh slept in the front room last night as he had a friend over and was up late.

This morning I get up at 8:30, go down to the kitchen just next to ds1s bedroom, we live in a flat. I can hear ds1 playing about for a bit and dh was sleeping in his bed.

Whilst making coffee I can hear ds1 getting upset, wanting to have breakfast/nappy change etc, but dh just ignores it. I'm bf ds2 whilst having a coffee so left it for a while. I then hear dh mocking ds1 doing stupid cries at him back and still not getting up.

Ds1 then starts shouting for me at the gate and becoming more distressed. Dh still not doing anything.

I go to him at the gate, speak with dh and he just says he needs sleep. I tell him ds1 wants to get up and his nappy is dirty and he doesn't do anything.

I pick up ds1 and change his nappy, he now has a sore bum and is now eating his breakfast. Go back to dh and tell him he was cruel and that his sleep will never ever trump ds1s need for care and that he needs to grow up.

This is the second time this has happened now, he was apologetic last time, but when he's tired he's horrible. I'm so angry he doesn't seem to care, the least he could have done was come and get me, give ds1 to me and tell me he was going back to bed rather than leave ds1 for God knows how long. He generally wakes at 6:45 so could have been left for ages.

Aibu to be so angry at him?

OP posts:
thrillhouse · 29/05/2016 14:22

I can't believe the number of people on here saying the OP should have predicted this or just taken it on the chin and dealt with both children. What a load of shit.

If partner knew he was going to be too out of it to deal with oldest child this morning then he should have been the one to ask OP if she could deal with both children. She's not fucking psychic.

newt, go fuck yourself. The OP isn't the neglectful one here.

newtscamander · 29/05/2016 14:22

I get it, I sound harsh and awful.

But I cant be the only person on Mumsnet who is sick of reading about complete waste of space partners that the OP makes countless excuses not to leave. And excuses like ' He's not himself when he's tired' as a justification for ignoring and mocking a child.

TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 14:23

Stop reading them then, if they are getting to you so much that you feel compelled to post nasty shite as a response.

WorraLiberty · 29/05/2016 14:27

I don't understand why women place so much faith in men. Most men are incapable of providing basic care for themselves, let alone a child. I'm sick to fuck of reading threads like these, and idiot women who keep breeding with them despite all the shitty behaviour.

What a pile of bollocks Flowers

'Most men' are not incapable of providing basic care for themselves at all.

I'm pretty sure you've been on MN long enough to know that most women don't start boring, mundane threads to let everyone know that their DH is doing normal adult/parenting things.

Most people only post when they have a problem with their DH, just like the OP has.

For every man like the one in the OP, there will be shit loads more how are nothing like that.

YouTheCat · 29/05/2016 14:28

I don't think you have been reading, Newt.

Where does it say the OP was sitting in the next room listening to her distressed child exactly? As far as I read, the OP was breastfeeding her 4 month old whilst she expected her partner to be able to see to their older child. Not unreasonable to assume the other adult would be able to look after their own child whilst the mother was busy feeding a child.

The older child was not in a room with drugs. They were in their bedroom. The drugs were in the living room.

Are you hard of thinking? Hmm

OP, the drugs and taunting would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be reading him the riot act.

Fidelia · 29/05/2016 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 29/05/2016 14:37

Your baby was left in a room with drugs and a sore bottom whilst being mocked and ignored!

...By her 'D'H. She is coming to terms with her husband being an irresponsible and cruel idiot. Have some sympathy. Her AIBU is whether she should be angry with him!

I have no sympathy for YOU only for your children!

Because children live in a vacuum so there's no point giving a shit about those who look after them?

lalalalyra · 29/05/2016 14:38

It's not at all your fault what happened this morning OP, but it's up to you what happens next. You now know what your dh is capable of and you have to decide your next step based on that.

Anyone leaving drugs lying around for my toddler to eat would be out of the door for at least a while. That's neglect, and dangerous neglect, and could have brought a hospital trip and an SS shitstorm down on your family and unless there was proper contrition (and not just a 'boo hoo woe is me I'm so bad' hungover apology) it'd be a deal breaker.

Number 1 job as a parent is to protect and care for our children. Your DH made a number of choices that had, or could have had, a negative effect on your child.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 29/05/2016 14:40

Worra, I hope you're right about the "shitloads" more men who aren't like that. Some of us seem to have a knack for attracting the ones who are (and dont appear to be at first)...

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 14:42

Ok, my dh gets ds1 up every morning before he goes to work, changes his nappy and gives him breakfast, wakes me up before he leaves so I take over. He doesn't have to do that.
He cooks us dinner every night and takes over looking after dc when he gets home from work so I can have a break. He spends most of his freetime helping around the house and sharing responsibilities. He is a great father and partner most of the time.

Which is why I was so angry he let us down today. Which is why I presumed he would be fine this morning. He made a mistake. Our children are in no way neglected.

It would be very easy to 'LTB' if he was like this all the time and I would be screaming at any other woman to do this in that position, but it's not.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 29/05/2016 14:43

Obviously YANBU and he's been a wanker. That's not even including the weed stuff.

Ignoring his child's needs? Mocking their cries? Because he's tired? He needs a serious kick up the arse.

He's done it before and apologised, but does it again. If the only thing that will get through to him is telling him to move out, so be it.

WorraLiberty · 29/05/2016 14:44

I think it works both ways though Once

I do know some women who simply wont stop interfering when their DP cooks a family meal, does the laundry or other things around the house/childcare related.

They're so used to being 'in charge', that their way is the only way in their eyes.

I learned many years ago to just let my DH get on with it, and a very good job he does of most things.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/05/2016 14:47

Sorry OP - I don't agree with posters saying you are responsible for what happened this morning - but you are excusing him now. Nothing he does 'normally' makes up for the neglect he showed to his under-2yr old this morning. Your ds suffered because he was not in a fit state to change a nappy. Your ds could have suffered worse had he come across the drugs your partner was smoking last night.

That is not acceptable - not even once. Not even if he's father of the year the rest of the time.

TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 14:47

I agree that the child getting a sore bottom is awful, and the mocking. And I would be incandescent with rage, same as the OP. But, the DH is still asleep isn't he? For all we know, once he wakes up and gets told about the nappy rash and how awful the mocking sounded he might be absolutely mortified and apologetic. He needs to realise what he's done, apologise, and never do it again.
Because advising someone to break up a family over two mistakes, with all the possible struggle and negativity that entails is a MUCH more sensible and reasonable solution than at least TRYING to sort it out together first, right?
Hmm

KindDogsTail · 29/05/2016 14:48

I understand why you're angry. I would explain calmly what was wrong with what he did when he's woken up a bit - then let it go this time. It is the sort of thing that happens when looking after a child but not always managing it perfectly through tiredness and so on.

But if he often has a friend round, then is too tired to pull his weight, that is very unfair on you and not keeping to his side of the bargain.

Have him pay for an au pair instead to do the job he is too sleepy for.

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 14:52

under I just wanted to highlight the fact that I'm not just sticking by some awful man who treats us all like shit on a regular basis as some posters may have thought.

I had no reason to mistrust his parenting before this morning.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 29/05/2016 14:54

No, he's been awake for a while and the OP has spoken to him.

TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 14:56

Ah, I missed that, thanks sapphirestrange. Will re-read what he said.

Fidelia · 29/05/2016 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/05/2016 14:57

newtscamander Sun 29-May-16 14:22:12
"I get it, I sound harsh and awful."

Nonewt, you sound illiterate . You clearly haven't read (or maybe not understood) the OP's posts.

TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 14:58

And, oh yeah...YANBU.Obviously
Weed and a sore bum. 'Nuff said!

TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 15:07

I've found it, thanks fidelia.

Well, he immediately apologised, so that's a good start.
OP then told him how disgusted she is with him. Perhaps he's silently mortified, and embarrassed by his behaviour and its consequences, and is mulling it all over whils playing with DS.
Good.
He doesn't sound like a bad bloke. He sounds like a normal, hardworking decent husband and dad, who let himself get too carried away on a rare 'night off' with a friend (possibly because he knew there was another responsible adult in the house to take care of the children, though that's not an excuse).
Nobody died. Yes, he was stupid. Yes, OP is right to be cross. But not enough to break up a marriage in my eyes.

GarlicSteak · 29/05/2016 15:17

Mumsnet's getting harder & harder to read. Well done for sticking with your thread, ampersand.

Yes, obviously (I'd have thought ...) Leaving crying baby with dirty nappy while you finish equally important thing: a pity, but unavoidable. Leaving same baby because you can't be arsed to get out of bed: selfish & shitty. Also mocking child; I'm assuming this wasn't a jokey attempt to change crying into laughter, as you wouldn't have been angry about that.

Good to hear DH has woken up in both senses. Best of luck with The Chat!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/05/2016 15:19

Well, if acceptable parenting = "nobody died", mocking a crying toddler who needs his nappy changing, and weed left out in a house with pre-schoolers - then, yes Witches, All is well. Hmm

TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 15:33

I never said it was acceptable parenting, but it seems to me there are more and more overly-hysterical 'LTB!!' answers to any relationship problem these days on MN. OP only asked if she was U to be angry, and she gets told hes a cunt (awful word) , to LTB, to put his clothes in bin bags, chuck him out, that he's an abuser and that she herself is negectful.
I'm surprised nobody has suggested crucifying the poor guy, or maybe administering 100 lashes before getting rid of him.

My point was in response to all of that. In the grand scheme of things, he is 'generally' a good father and husband. I just don't get why so many MNetters think splitting up is the answer to everything.