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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with dh

103 replies

ampersandand · 29/05/2016 09:26

Dh gets up with ds1 (21 months old) as I'm up in the night with ds2 (4 months old). Dh slept in the front room last night as he had a friend over and was up late.

This morning I get up at 8:30, go down to the kitchen just next to ds1s bedroom, we live in a flat. I can hear ds1 playing about for a bit and dh was sleeping in his bed.

Whilst making coffee I can hear ds1 getting upset, wanting to have breakfast/nappy change etc, but dh just ignores it. I'm bf ds2 whilst having a coffee so left it for a while. I then hear dh mocking ds1 doing stupid cries at him back and still not getting up.

Ds1 then starts shouting for me at the gate and becoming more distressed. Dh still not doing anything.

I go to him at the gate, speak with dh and he just says he needs sleep. I tell him ds1 wants to get up and his nappy is dirty and he doesn't do anything.

I pick up ds1 and change his nappy, he now has a sore bum and is now eating his breakfast. Go back to dh and tell him he was cruel and that his sleep will never ever trump ds1s need for care and that he needs to grow up.

This is the second time this has happened now, he was apologetic last time, but when he's tired he's horrible. I'm so angry he doesn't seem to care, the least he could have done was come and get me, give ds1 to me and tell me he was going back to bed rather than leave ds1 for God knows how long. He generally wakes at 6:45 so could have been left for ages.

Aibu to be so angry at him?

OP posts:
Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 29/05/2016 11:21

There is no doubt your DP has behaved like an arse, and you need to have words. I am not sure you have covered yourself in glory here either though. Unless you live in a massive place, surely you were aware of your DS being awake, and needing seeing to from 0645? So you also left him, leading to the sore bum, and distress?

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 11:31

Should I have second guessed that dh had stayed up so late he was unable to look after ds1? Its not unusual for me to go to bed early and him to stay up late. It doesn't usually cause problems.
When I heard ds1 becoming distressed I took over. I don't wake up every morning in fear of my ds1 not being looked after so I wasn't to know straight away that was the case...

OP posts:
FlowersAndShit · 29/05/2016 11:37

I don't understand why women place so much faith in men. Most men are incapable of providing basic care for themselves, let alone a child. I'm sick to fuck of reading threads like these, and idiot women who keep breeding with them despite all the shitty behaviour.

teablanket · 29/05/2016 11:38

Your DP is an absolute jerk, no doubt about that, but I don't understand why you couldn't provide adequate care for two children simultaneously? You live in a flat, so I'm assuming it's not huge. Why didn't you see to your child as soon as he needed it?

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 11:41

Because I was breastfeeding my youngest and dh was in the same room as him and can generally be relied upon for caring for his needs! Geez.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/05/2016 12:23

teablanket

Because she thought she didn't have to.

What with him being the child's parent and in the same room as him

Thattimeofyearagain · 29/05/2016 12:34

Having read the updates I withdraw my " bit of a twat" and upgrade him to " complete cunt " Angry. Is he awake yet op ?

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 12:41

He woke whilst I was doing ds1 lunch, immediately apologized, I just said I'm really angry with you then went off to change ds1s bedding as he'd probably been slobbering all over his pillow.

He came to his bedroom and I said I've never felt more disgusted by what he did, and to top it off - the state of the front room and the weed. He didn't say anything, just went back and cleaned up ds1 and is now playing with him in the front room whilst I sit in the bedroom.

Ds1 will be going for a nap soon so interested to see what he has to say for himself once ds1 is out of earshot.

OP posts:
XiCi · 29/05/2016 12:45

I see very little difference in him doing drugs in the house and doing drugs in your garden (which is where he presumably was if the shit is all over the table). If the weed was on the table in the front room then what was to stop your toddler eating it? Try explaining that to the hospital.

ClopySow · 29/05/2016 12:46

Mocking my child would make it impossible for me to find a man attractive anymore, no matter how shit he was when he was tired. Vindictiveness is such an unappealing trait.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 29/05/2016 13:19

flowers Most men are incapable of providing basic care for themselves, let alone a child.

I sincerely hope it's not "most men" but there does seem to be a lot of it about...

I like the odd joint on a Saturday night myself. I assume it will be no more once I have children. Wouldn't leave crumbs around ever though. And even now, I wake up when hungover to take care of my pets! As for mocking his child.... bloody hell. There's just no excuse.

And if he's a twat when overtired, then it's his responsibility not to get so tired.

Lules · 29/05/2016 13:32

What do you mean by mocking? I copy the sounds my baby makes when he's grumpy and say stuff like 'oh no it's the end of the world' which counts as mocking him. Obviously I also sort out whatever the problem is too

MyNewBearTotoro · 29/05/2016 13:32

Poor Ds1.

I think you are right to say three strikes and he's out. His behaviour towards his son was deplorable, I don't know if I could forgive it once but perhaps after discussion and feeling he was genuinely sorry I would. But if it happened again that would be it, I couldn't keep forgiving. Hopefully still being so little your DS won't dwell on or remember your DP's behaviour, although no doubt it will have some effect on how much he can trust his dad to meet his needs, but as he gets older having a self-centred parent mock him for being upset and refuse to give him help could be devastating for his developing confidence and self-esteem.

I would be having very serious words with DP and making it clear the DC always come first and if he can't see that I'd be questioning whether he can be trusted with the DC.

BillSykesDog · 29/05/2016 13:36

That's horrible. Even if he's hungover and feeling shit he could get up and bring him to you and shamefacedly apologise and ask for help.

Just leaving him in his own shit and mocking his distress is just appalling and damaging for the poor little soul. LTB. Better still kick him out.

LaBelleOtero · 29/05/2016 13:45

I don't understand why you couldn't provide adequate care for two children simultaneously?

Have you ever tried to breastfeed one child while changing the others nappy? If I could do that I'd audition for Britain's Got Talent.

A father mocking his crying toddler is horrible. Being hungover is no excuse. I took proper care of my child while in the midst of such a nasty gallstone attack that my skin had turned yellow. But I was still physically capable of getting up and looking after him until someone else could take over, and I did.

The question here is not 'why can't you take care of two children you lazy woman?' It's 'why are you indulging this nasty manchild?'

newtscamander · 29/05/2016 13:52

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Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 13:56

newt what a nasty, unhelpful thing to say.

OP posts:
newtscamander · 29/05/2016 13:58

Why should we tiptoe around people like the op and her dp?? Child left crying, being mocked, now with a sore bum, with weed left lying around the house?? Its just awful! They have to be told it's not right!

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 14:05

I am the op, there is no way this is a normal occurrence, why am I being made to feel like such a terrible mother for my dhs mistake? I am not his parent, he makes his own choices. They have disgusted me and I know they're not right! Do you think I'm laughing at this having a jolly good time debating whether I should end it with him?! Do you?!

OP posts:
newtscamander · 29/05/2016 14:13

Why is it up for debate??? Your baby was left in a room with drugs and a sore bottom whilst being mocked and ignored! Come on! I have no sympathy for YOU only for your children!

Original poster
ampersandand · 29/05/2016 14:15

Have you actually read the full thread? I don't think you have...

OP posts:
lateforeverything · 29/05/2016 14:15

I don't understand newt's stance at all. How is the OP neglectful?

It's not like she's been enabling this for months and the penny's only just dropped.

Fwiw I don't think you sound like a terrible mother OP.

lateforeverything · 29/05/2016 14:17

Your baby was left in a room with drugs and a sore bottom whilst being mocked and ignored!

That's not quite how it happened to be fair to the OP. It's not like she left the weed out as a snack for her ds FFS

newtscamander · 29/05/2016 14:17

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TheWitchesofIzalith · 29/05/2016 14:18

Some very unecessarily harsh replies to the OP in this thread...She isn't a negectful parent, she has already stated why she was unable to see to DS1 initially, and why she (perfectly reasonably) assumed her DH would be doing it. He was in the same room as DS1, why wouldn't she assume he'd do it?
And all this nasty name-calling of the DH..'he's a twat/cunt/etc and telling the OP to chuck him out and not have him around the children?! Seriously??

Jeez, did none of you ever make any mistakes in your parenting lives? The man has only done this twice. the OP says the rest of the time he's a model father and husband, so why do people assume that is 'just making excuses' for him?
There are so many people who shriek 'LTB!!' the minute a relationship has a problem, what ever happened to talking/and sorting things out?!
and FWIW I didn't think chalky's post was wishy-washy at all, I thought it was good sound advice.
And as to the poster who claimed most men can barely look after themselves'...what a ridiculously stereotypical, generalising statement. Just stupid.