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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry with dh

103 replies

ampersandand · 29/05/2016 09:26

Dh gets up with ds1 (21 months old) as I'm up in the night with ds2 (4 months old). Dh slept in the front room last night as he had a friend over and was up late.

This morning I get up at 8:30, go down to the kitchen just next to ds1s bedroom, we live in a flat. I can hear ds1 playing about for a bit and dh was sleeping in his bed.

Whilst making coffee I can hear ds1 getting upset, wanting to have breakfast/nappy change etc, but dh just ignores it. I'm bf ds2 whilst having a coffee so left it for a while. I then hear dh mocking ds1 doing stupid cries at him back and still not getting up.

Ds1 then starts shouting for me at the gate and becoming more distressed. Dh still not doing anything.

I go to him at the gate, speak with dh and he just says he needs sleep. I tell him ds1 wants to get up and his nappy is dirty and he doesn't do anything.

I pick up ds1 and change his nappy, he now has a sore bum and is now eating his breakfast. Go back to dh and tell him he was cruel and that his sleep will never ever trump ds1s need for care and that he needs to grow up.

This is the second time this has happened now, he was apologetic last time, but when he's tired he's horrible. I'm so angry he doesn't seem to care, the least he could have done was come and get me, give ds1 to me and tell me he was going back to bed rather than leave ds1 for God knows how long. He generally wakes at 6:45 so could have been left for ages.

Aibu to be so angry at him?

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 29/05/2016 10:11

"He's a different person when he's tired"

3littlefrogs · 29/05/2016 10:12

Weed and tobacco crumbs?

leelu66 · 29/05/2016 10:12

Why do people make excuses for these arseholes?

SquinkiesRule · 29/05/2016 10:12

What a horrible immature manchild he is.
I think the flat needs vacuuming, now, especially the front room. A bit PA but who cares.

NotYoda · 29/05/2016 10:13

So he's not tired, he's hungover

If my inaction had led to nappy rash I'd be really ashamed

What a twat he has been to his own child

NotYoda · 29/05/2016 10:13

... and he's left drugs lying around

ReturnOfTheJewel · 29/05/2016 10:13

He's a twat. If he's tired because he's been up all night getting stoned, let him have a lie in-this morning while you gather up his stuff into bin bags and dump them at his mate's house .

AmserGwin · 29/05/2016 10:14

Threads like these make me glad I'm single

NotYoda · 29/05/2016 10:14

Actually, twat is far too mild

He's a neglectful bastard

ohtheholidays · 29/05/2016 10:17

He was mocking his own child crying?He'd be out of the door before his feet could touch the ground the fucking idiot!

ohtheholidays · 29/05/2016 10:20

Drugs as well he's a right catch OP.Seriously don't have this man around your two babys.They deserve better from a Father!

Grumpyoldblonde · 29/05/2016 10:24

Fucking hell, drugs left around, smoking weed with babies in the house, being a wanker mocking a baby crying. He sounds a real prince.

ToffeeForEveryone · 29/05/2016 10:25

My first ever LTB.

Mocking your child and leaving him to cry cos he's hungover from drugs? Do you even need to ask? I wouldn't be angry, I'd be nuclear.

Fairylea · 29/05/2016 10:29

Mocking his child when they are upset?
Weed?

Bye bye man. What a twat.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/05/2016 10:38

I must be getting old. I thought nights of recreational drugs, getting so drunk/stoned that you're incapable of doing anything the next day, went out of the window when you become parents.

YANBU. He's not 'tired' - he's sleeping off the night before. If this was me, him and his drugs would be gone. Stupid man-child.

chalky3 · 29/05/2016 10:40

Putting the drugs aside (but not ignoring them), your DH wouldn't deal with your son the morning after the night before as he normally does because he's hung over. Presumably you knew his mate was coming over and they'd be up late drinking? In which case, cut him, and yourself, some slack, deal with the kids this morning, and get him to take over this afternoon so you can have a break. If it happens all the time, or wasn't planned, that's different. Mocking your son is cruel and immature so I'd have words about that...later. Yelling at him now will have no positive effect on any of you, and won't change what's happened.

As for the drugs, that definitely needs tackling, again later, when he's sober and able to take on board your justifiable concerns. Whether it's a deal breaker is up to you.

To those who say DH being hungover and not helping as normal (assuming it's a one off) is a 'deal breaker', really?!? How exactly would it help if OP was left on her own to deal with both kids? The drugs, of course, are a different matter, but what happens next is for OP to decide.

Do something fun with the kids this morning OP to take your mind off what's happened, and deal with DH later.

NotYoda · 29/05/2016 10:42

chalky

Your post is so wishy-washy. Sorry. The OP says that it is not the first time

RainIsAGoodThing · 29/05/2016 10:43

The mocking is truly vile. Just showed this to DP (who also has a friend to stay, and is very hungover) and he was horrified. Your poor little boy. He should be able to rely on his dad, and so should you.

Finola1step · 29/05/2016 10:58

This isn't a one-off.
He invites friends round, they smoke weed, he is then unavailable to care for his own dc.
He smokes weed in the home while his babies are sleeping.
He leaves weed in the living room where his toddler can access.
He mocks his own child.
He fails to provide basic care for his own child. If he is really hungover, he could have sent you a blimming text.

I'm seeing lots and lots of deal breakers here. We all have off days where the other parent has to pick up the slack. But this is not an off day. This is shitty behaviour.

notapizzaeater · 29/05/2016 11:03

This is shocking behaviour - is he a man or a child. How dare he mock a 21 month old ! What if the kids had found the drug debris ?

Totally deal breaker.

I got hungover once and was sick all night - I'd promised DS /DH we were going out for the day the next day - I was too ill, I felt guilty for months. They where both concerned about me but I felt like a horrible person. This us 100 times worse !

shiveringhiccup · 29/05/2016 11:09

He mocked your child, ignored his cries for help and care for hours, neglected him in a dirty nappy so he's now got nappy rash, and left drugs lying around in a house where there are two babies?? He is not safe around your children. That is much more than being 'tired'. SS would be interested.

No point discussing it with him now, wait until he's got over the drugs hangover. Have a think today about what you want to do. In the mean time get out the house and do something nice with your kids.

To the PP who said they give 'false sympathy' to their GD. I assume you would also like GD to learn not to mock and make fun of people? There are considerably more effective and kinder methods than this.

for you OP.

Original poster

ampersandand · 29/05/2016 11:09

Let me just reiterate, they weren't smoking in the house. He would have been out the door without a second thought if that was the case. Not making excuses, just stating the facts.

He's still asleep and I'm thinking of what I'm going to say to him. I don't think he will even realise just how bad his actions were.

I want him to understand that I shouldn't have to protect the dc from his choices or his inaction and that it can never happen again. It's such a cliche but he really is a hard working, thoughtful, helpful and caring man, it's just this morning and one other time this has happened. Three strikes and you're out I'm thinking.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 29/05/2016 11:11

He may not have been smoking in the house, but he left bits lying around that the children could easily have picked up and eaten

Be careful giving an ultimatum - if you do, you have to stick to it, you can only have one last chance

You sound like you're already wavering

Lynnm63 · 29/05/2016 11:13

The problem OP is that you effectively have three children to care for. Two of them are cute and will no doubt grow into fine adults and a third who didn't. Mocking your child, not changing nappy and leaving drugs lying around. Hes an arse.

Zucker · 29/05/2016 11:15

Can I call bingo on this thread. It never takes long for the wonderful father and individual post to appear. Wake up OP this is not a wonderful specimen most people do not have to deal with this shit and pretend to be happy about it because he smiles at you all once a week.

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