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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Called 999 today, now feeling guilty about the consequences.m

136 replies

flanjabelle · 27/05/2016 20:06

Today I was called over by two elderly ladies who were quite distressed. I had been walking down the road with dd and stopped to talk to them. They were upset because a car had two babies in it (one around 6 months, one around 18 months) in full sun and there were no parents.

I asked them how long they had been there and the ladies said over 5 minutes and no one had come to the car. The baby was in the back, screaming his little head off, and the toddler was in the front, both in full sun.

I looked around, no one was coming to the car, the shops are right down the other end of the street and no one was coming. I called 999 after being there for around 4 minutes. The police asked me what was happening and I had explained where we were and what was wrong. They were telling me someone was coming out to us as a woman came back to the car. One of the ladies asked her if it was her car, she said it was, and shouted at the elderly lady that she had only been in the bank. I told her she shouldn't leave her babies in the car alone, definitely not in this heat! (It was 25 degrees here this afternoon and very sunny.) The bank is around a hundred yards away, at the beginning of the road. She was parked on double yellow lines near the town car park, but not in it.

The police told me they could hear what was happening and told me to get the registration of the car. I did as the woman got in the car and roared off up the road at speed.

The police told me they had her address and would be going there to pay her a visit.

Now I'm pretty sure I did the right thing, but now I'm having wobbles about the knock on effect of this. She is going to get a ss referral now isn't she. Should I have waited longer? In total she would have been away from the car for at least 12-15 minutes if not more as I don't know how long she had been gone when the ladies noticed the babies alone.

After she left I spent a while comforting the ladies as they found it all very upsetting. I don't think they had mobile phones as they didn't seem to know what to do in the situation, they were just very upset to see the babies alone and one of them clearly distressed.

Aibu for what I did today? Does what she did justify the consequences that are going to happen now? Should I have just waited by the car? Just having a wobble now.

OP posts:
TwoLittleBlooms · 27/05/2016 21:00

You did the right thing, you had already been there 5 minutes, the old ladies over 5 minutes. Those poor wee babies had been in that car alone for at least 10 minutes too long (and as you say probably a lot longer). Don't feel guilty or bad, the thing is if she is happy enough to leave her babies in the car and in that heat then what else does she consider ok to do. Maybe a visit by police or SS might cause her to wake up to herself and she won't do it again.

PestilentialCat · 27/05/2016 21:02

She was probably worried her hair-do would be spoilt by drizzle or something, hence the parking on the double yellows Angry & leaving the tots Angry Angry

I & another school mum dobbed in a third mum who had left a tiny toddler in a locked car on a very cold day, while she walked her 4yo to school in the snow - likely away for 15-20 mins. The tot had extricated herself from her carseat & was pressing buttons in the locked car Hmm

We told the fierce school receptionist, who had a word - apparently it was "too much hassle to walk in the snow with both of them & took too long" Confused

You did exactly the right thing.

RosieSW · 27/05/2016 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PestilentialCat · 27/05/2016 21:09

What knock-on effect? She won't know who you are, or anything about you - she was driving off in a huff, so won't have noticed much.

If she ever happens to bump into you, recognise you & say something, just say you were completely irresponsible & I hope the Police threw the book at you smile & walk away.

ollieplimsoles · 27/05/2016 21:11

What if you hadn't called police op, and just walked away, you would br wondering if the kids were ok now.
You had no idea if/ when she would come back.

You did the right thing

Catgirl83 · 27/05/2016 21:20

To echo everyone else, you absolutely did the right thing and the world needs more people like you.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/05/2016 21:21

You did the right thing and you leaving your dd to pay for petrol is not the same thing at all!

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/05/2016 21:24

You absolutely did the right thing. I am quite relaxed about leaving children in car whilst paying for petrol etc but there is a line and she was way, way over it.

The Washington Post article mentioned up thread is an amazing piece of journalism (I think it won a Pulitzer) but it is one of the most distressing things I have ever read.

snoreasaurus · 27/05/2016 21:24

YANBU at all. It is not ok to leave young children in the car alone at all (other than nipping in the house to grab child 2 haha) let alone in sun and heat.
I have a just turned 2 yr old and 7m old and granted it is almost impossible to do any errands like that with them both. Simple answer, DONT. wait till they can be watched for you or double buggy them up.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/05/2016 21:31

Of course you did the right thing. WTF was the women thinking of. Everyone knows the dangers of leaving children in cars.

Don't you dare feel guilty. Put it this way. How guilty would you have felt if you'd not called the police, and just ignored the situation and Lord forbid, but both or one of the children would have over heated and died, or became brain damaged through a lack of oxygen

Leggytadpole · 27/05/2016 21:31

flanjabelle you absolutely did the right thing.

Also leaving your child in the car to pay for petrol is totally different, it takes a couple of minutes and you can see your child at all times.

Please stop worrying. You did a good thing and as a pp social worker pointed out it will highlight to the mother what she did wrong. If she is in an abusive relationship (although I do think you're really overthinking it now) then this might be an opportunity for her to get help.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/05/2016 21:34

Incidentally I have left DS to sleep our car on our drive before - in the shade, mild day, all windows ajar. I put the baby monitor in the car that includes a thermometer so I could keep an eye on it - even in those conditions the temperature was ticking up quite fast, I had to go out and sit in the car with him with the doors open until he finished his nap to make sure he didn't get too hot.

AllTheUsernamesAreTaken3 · 27/05/2016 21:38

Just joined this and haven't read the rest - you did totally the right thing and you know it. Selfish lazy bitch mother - put them in a frigging double buggy, pay for parking. Chances that anyone would die - minute. But how much of a chance are we as a society prepared to allow?
YANBU. I celebrate you.

ToffeeForEveryone · 27/05/2016 21:39

Yes she is going to get a SS referral. She should get a SS referral for leaving her baby and toddler unattended in an overheating car.

You absolutely did the right thing.

SabineUndine · 27/05/2016 21:41

YWNBU. Imagine how much worse you'd have felt if you'd done nothing, just worrying about those kids.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/05/2016 21:44

Think of it this way - would you have ever left your baby & toddler in the car, out of sight, for 10mins plus? I mean, not getting a car park ticket/paying for petrol. I know I wouldn't. Awful things can happen.

RaeSkywalker · 27/05/2016 21:44

flanjabelle, I know it's easier said than done, but please be reassured that you have a (rather unusual) Mumsnet consensus of opinion- you 100% dos the right thing.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment. I hope things improve soon Flowers

Original poster
flanjabelle · 27/05/2016 21:45

Thanks again everyone. I am not worrying nearly so much as I was when I started the thread.

Just to clarify to one of the posters above, as I have stated already I was not concerned about knock on effects for myself, I was worried about the effects for this mother. The possibility of ss involvement etc. She doesn't know me, it's not a particularly small town and especially after this thread I would be able to say I did the right thing if confronted.

Weirdly my anxiety doesn't seem to stop me from dealing with confrontation. I shake like a leaf while it's happening, but the proper anxiety kicks in afterwards. It's all the ruminating and worrying that causes me problems at the minute.

Thank you again for helping me stop the worry cycle.

OP posts:
WaitrosePigeon · 27/05/2016 21:45

Maybe the consequences of her actions will
make her think twice about being lazy in future.

You did the right thing!

BertieBotts · 27/05/2016 21:49

People don't realise how hot a car can get on a sunny day, even in the UK. In a very very short time.

Babies and toddlers get dehydrated and distressed (I mean medically distressed, not emotionally) much faster than adults in a similar situation because their bodies are smaller. They also can't cool down as efficiently because they do not sweat as much as adults (less surface area).

If her husband is abusive he would find a reason to give her a hard time regardless. Not your fault (and v. unlikely, too).

Social services would not remove children just for this - police would probably have a frank talk with her about the dangers and if no other issues that would be that.

You did the right thing.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 27/05/2016 21:50

I'm the same OP, if it's any consolation. Absolute conscience to 'do the right thing' at the time. Hours, days, weeks, months... worth of anxiety afterwards. I still agonise about things that happened decades ago.

gamerchick · 27/05/2016 21:50

It's adrenaline fatigue, adrenaline really sucks. You'll feel better in the morning.

Wheresthewine36 · 27/05/2016 21:52

You absolutely did the right thing. I would expect her to get a Social Services referral as a result of the call - if this was a one off, bad judgement episode, having the police/SS involvement will hopefully give her the short, sharp shock to never do it again. If, on the other hand, there are other problems, this will hopefully unveil them.

She may have only been away from the car for 15 minutes and everything may have ended up ok without intervention (although I personally don't think children should be left in a car alone for any period of time, in any weather!). but it could very easily have had a very different outcome.
Don't feel bad - you did a good thing. You were a voice for two children who can't speak up for themselves. Well done.xx

EttaJ · 27/05/2016 21:53

You absolutely did the right thing . She sounds like she's not only an irresponsible and terrible parent but a pretty nasty person too, shouting at the elderly ladies. Sounds like she needs child protection services to pay her a visit . Well done for doing the right thing, you saved those babies you know.

BertieBotts · 27/05/2016 21:56

There's a video on youtube of people being offered $100 if they can stay in a hot car with the doors and windows locked for 10 minutes. Everyone starts panicking and hits the button to get out. It's a hotter outside temperature than we usually see in the UK but that doesn't make much of a difference. Even at 25C a car can reach 33C in 15 minutes. I don't know if you've ever experienced 30C+ but it's uncomfortable, especially if you have no chance to escape (strapped into a small, hot seat??)