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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to resent the amount of time this (younger) woman spends with my husband?

109 replies

lauren209 · 26/05/2016 22:24

Ever since we got married, which largely equates to - ever since our kids were born - (they are now 13 and 10), my husband has spent a fair amount of time with other women. At the moment, he has a colleague who is about 7 years younger than him, who he spends a lot of time with. They go out cycling together at 6 am, they go for runs in the afternoon (they are both teachers and have free periods) and they go swimming together regularly. They have done a couple of sporting events together, e.g. a triathlon at Eton Dornay. She regularly posts things on his Facebook page about sporting events such as swimming in a lake in the north of Scotland, saying "hey, we should do this together" (which would clearly involve at least a week-end away). One of our kids has autism and, as a result, we have rarely left our children with babysitters. The knock on consequence of this, is that we have had zero one - to - one time together in the last 13 years. Our marriage has, at times, felt like it was falling apart, although interestingly, we did actually have sex once last week for the first time in 6 years (and probably for the third time in 13 years!!). Anyway, for the last 8 or so years, he has spent a good deal of his time with other women. They are his friends. I don't think there is any more to it than that. This other woman is very persistent in asking him to do stuff, such as go cycling, running, swimming and indeed, go away for holidays with her. I have always said nothing and let this happen but now I am starting to resent it. I think to myself, he's my husband and I don't get to spend any one to one time with him (because we can't leave our autistic son with anyone) and yet this colleague of his gets to spend one to one time with him several times a week, let alone, considering the week-ends she has been proposing on Facebook. AIBU to think she needs to fuck the fuck off and get in the queue (behind me) of people who would like to spend time one to one time with my husband?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/05/2016 08:31

so clearly he is at fauly, but only on Mn would this womans behaviour be condoned

This other woman is very persistent in asking him to do stuff, such as go cycling, running, swimming and indeed, go away for holidays with her

what kind of friend pushed someone with 2 children, one of whom has special needs to hang with them constantly? a shit friend, and a thoughtless friend IMVHO

anyway no op, so yeah ...hmmm

Eliza22 · 27/05/2016 08:33

I have an autistic son. I had a husband who was very sporty (triathalons/gym/squash/swimming) and was rarely at home. We are now divorced. One day, he told me I'd "let myself go". We'd moved for his job, Imhad no family/friends for support and a toddler who, at age 4 was diagnosed with autism. I could barely leave the house with ds, it was that difficult. Never mind have an hour to go to the gym. I worked night shifts too and came home ine morning to find ds had been sick in his cot and dh had slept through it (so knackered was he from all that bloody exercise!). I'm SO glad he met someone else and left me and ds.

You are being neglected. You and your sin. Your dh needs to be read the Riot Act, IMO.

eddielizzard · 27/05/2016 08:34

well i think she should back off. but it has to be your dh really who tells her.

he's getting to have quite a lovely time isn't he?

i do think for the sake of your marriage you need to find someone who can help with your ds. there must be someone somewhere. ask around.

Roussette · 27/05/2016 08:45

I don't condone her behaviour but what if the DH says continually when fitness friend questions it "nah, don't worry, my wife is fine with this, she is busy with our kids and isn't into fitness, it honestly is not a problem, we have seperate hobbies". It isn't the woman's job to police his marriage.

pilates · 27/05/2016 09:05

Lauren209, what exactly are you getting out of this marriage?

Why have you allowed your husband to treat you like this?

I would seriously question whether he has had affairs/or is having affairs.

GoblinLittleOwl · 27/05/2016 09:14

They go out for runs during free periods at school???

dodobookends · 27/05/2016 09:49

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CoraPirbright · 27/05/2016 09:49

Goodness its all great for him isn't it?! Wife who runs house/looks after children/works (?) which allows him to bog off and do what the hell he likes at all times. No wonder you are feeling so resentful!

Do you get any time to do your hobbies (I suspect not)?

Your sex life seems to have died - what has happened? Have you talked about this? Nowt wrong with it if you both feel exactly the same way but is that really the case here?

Your dh is totally in the wrong but I disagree a bit with other posters who say that the woman is blameless. Unless he has lied to her and said he is single, then she needs to stop being selfish and piss off. He has (should have) other priorities.

From time to time, my own relationship slides into imbalance e.g. dh goes off for hobby and I have to hold the fort. However, my dh is a reasonable and fair man and if I point out the inequity, he seeks to put it right immediately. Would your dh listen to your concerns? Or perhaps having a 3rd party might help - counselling?

OneMillionScovilles · 27/05/2016 10:08

Not your situation OP - and fwiw I think your DH is letting you down on the parenting front. However, have to chime in in response to all of the "omg your husband goes away with another woman???!!!" responses.

DH and I have overlapping annual leave years (mine financial year, DH's calendar year) - so we tend to end up out of step.

He goes off for 3-4 days without me to an annual "boys' thing" - he could be doing anything. There could be strip clubs, hookers or an annual fuckbuddy. But I trust him.

I have close male friends, whom I've known longer than my DH. I'm going away with one for a long weekend in about a month, to a city DH isn't particularly interested in visiting, with his blessing. He trusts me. (And is looking forward to 3 days of being in charge of the remote control.)

Neither of these would be easy - or probably even possible - with a high needs child. But that is the issue, not the "he's clearly fucking her" that PPs have jumped to.

Sorry if this derailed. As you were Smile

heron98 · 27/05/2016 10:10

I don't think it's the other woman as such, I think it's fine to have a friendship and do sporting events if that's what they both enjoy. It needn't be sinister (my DP has a friend he goes hiking with all the time, I have male friends I mountain bike with).

The issue is that he is not spending enough time with you as a family and not supporting you as he should. Regardless of the reason. This is what's wrong.

formerbabe · 27/05/2016 10:21

I honestly can't imagine suggesting to a married man with 2 children that he should go away for a week with me to pursue a hobby....?! I don't know any women who would do that?

I have lots of married friends..I can only imagine the fallout if I posted on their husbands Facebook suggesting a week away with me!

pudcat · 27/05/2016 10:29

Free periods are for planning and marking, not for running. It seems like you do a good job of looking after the children on your own so just chuck him out. Let him take his running shoes elsewhere.

Vagndidit · 27/05/2016 10:32

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zeezeek · 27/05/2016 12:56

I honestly can't imagine suggesting to a married man with 2 children that he should go away for a week with me to pursue a hobby....?! I don't know any women who would do that?

I do! On a frequent basis in fact.

fj3568 · 27/05/2016 13:08

Sounds dreadful OP. I've always had a lot of male friends and meet them 121 for drinks quite regularly so I don't have an issue with male/female friendships. This however is preposterous. You need to tackle the issue or remain the babysitter. I have known various colleagues over the years who used sport as a cover for their affair and an an excuse to have time together before during and after work. Sorry but this is what that has all the hallmarks of. I'd ask someone trusted to follow him one morning and see whether they actually go running.:( if they are not at it then you need to let him know you won't tolerate it - he's the issue not the OW

StepintotheLightleave · 27/05/2016 13:30

Yes the problem is your DH of course but its also this other woman!

Sorry but I could not spend so much time with another womans DH! Awful!

I would be asking " dont you spend time with your wife?"

Then its also your problem, because you have allowed and enabled this.

HumpMeBogart · 27/05/2016 13:48

Maybe the poster is the sporty friend, looking for reassurance that if he doesn't have sex with his wife, all of this is ok..?

cupidsgame · 27/05/2016 13:51

zezeek really? can you give us examples of the type of holiday and has the friend gone with you?

zeezeek · 27/05/2016 13:53

Sailing ones generally - we both take it very seriously and actually own a yacht together.

zeezeek · 27/05/2016 13:55

Also I don't know his wife at all and he doesn't know my DH. We aren't really interested in each other's personal lives - it is all about the sailing (and eating and drinking).

Maybe it's the same case here?

NavyAndWhite · 27/05/2016 13:56

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ChicRock · 27/05/2016 14:10

He spends a fair amount of time with other women - plural. The OP mentions 'other women' a couple of times in her post.

You've had no sex in 13 years, your husband spends all of his free time with other women - they are probably told you're the au-pair or the live in nanny or are fed the "we're separated but live in the same house for the sake of the kids" line, which actually, pretty much sounds true given your OP.

He checked out of your marriage at least 8 years ago and you chose to stick your head in the sand.

As soon as the current favourite female friend fucks off he'll replace her with someone else.

icy121 · 27/05/2016 14:21

He's checked out. Presumably being in a marriage is convenient - you must get something out of it else you would've left. E.g has he provided for you be SAH or whatever?

I'd consider a passionate affair. Kids are at school all day.

PottyMouthed · 27/05/2016 14:36

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MNHQ
KatherineMumsnet · 27/05/2016 15:24

No more troll-hunting please - report to us, rather than derailing.