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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to resent the amount of time this (younger) woman spends with my husband?

109 replies

lauren209 · 26/05/2016 22:24

Ever since we got married, which largely equates to - ever since our kids were born - (they are now 13 and 10), my husband has spent a fair amount of time with other women. At the moment, he has a colleague who is about 7 years younger than him, who he spends a lot of time with. They go out cycling together at 6 am, they go for runs in the afternoon (they are both teachers and have free periods) and they go swimming together regularly. They have done a couple of sporting events together, e.g. a triathlon at Eton Dornay. She regularly posts things on his Facebook page about sporting events such as swimming in a lake in the north of Scotland, saying "hey, we should do this together" (which would clearly involve at least a week-end away). One of our kids has autism and, as a result, we have rarely left our children with babysitters. The knock on consequence of this, is that we have had zero one - to - one time together in the last 13 years. Our marriage has, at times, felt like it was falling apart, although interestingly, we did actually have sex once last week for the first time in 6 years (and probably for the third time in 13 years!!). Anyway, for the last 8 or so years, he has spent a good deal of his time with other women. They are his friends. I don't think there is any more to it than that. This other woman is very persistent in asking him to do stuff, such as go cycling, running, swimming and indeed, go away for holidays with her. I have always said nothing and let this happen but now I am starting to resent it. I think to myself, he's my husband and I don't get to spend any one to one time with him (because we can't leave our autistic son with anyone) and yet this colleague of his gets to spend one to one time with him several times a week, let alone, considering the week-ends she has been proposing on Facebook. AIBU to think she needs to fuck the fuck off and get in the queue (behind me) of people who would like to spend time one to one time with my husband?

OP posts:
blackbirdmilkshake · 27/05/2016 01:21

you've had sex once in 6 years- this woman is a red herring. your relationship is in trouble of its own accord

HelenaDove · 27/05/2016 01:24

because he has checked out of your marriage OP a long while ago.

kali110 · 27/05/2016 02:08

Op your problem is with your husband not the the woman, she has done nothing wrong.
When do you get to go out if you are always looking after your son?
Why can your partner not do his share so you can go out and have some time to yourself?

It is possible this bloke is cheating, but it doesn't mean it has to be with this woman.
I spend time with friends,some with a male friend,i am not/never have had any sort of relationship with him.
It is possible for a male and female to spend time doing a hobby and to not shag.( though apprently not on mumsnet).

araiba · 27/05/2016 02:45

maybe it is op that is having the affair? its not always the man that cheats Confused

it seems that he has a hobby- triathlons and someone he works with has the same interests- its natural that they would spend time together going for a run/ ride etc together. it makes it far more enjoyable.

same with going away for a weekend for a competition- unless its every weekend, where is the problem? he is at least trying to make something of his time off rather than wasting it away silently staring at the tv all weekend

has the op ever suggested doing anything with dh/ family? has she ever tried to initiate sex?

she doesnt have a problem with dh. as a couple they have a problem. they both need to make an effort if they want it to work- all i see from op is "woe is me" and excuses- try doing something about it

TheWitTank · 27/05/2016 03:08

This isn't a marriage. Or actually any kind of relationship. Sex once in six years?!! Goes out regularly with other women having lots of fun and laughs while leaving you at home with the kids? You are his bloody housekeeper not his wife. LTB. Seriously. Get yourself someone with an ounce of respect for you.

Just5minswithDacre · 27/05/2016 03:33

Mistresses in plain sight.

coconutpie · 27/05/2016 03:41

You don't have a marriage. Why are you staying with him?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2016 03:55

"Our marriage has, at times, felt like it was falling apart, although interestingly, we did actually have sex once last week for the first time in 6 years (and probably for the third time in 13 years!!)."
This is pretty central to your problem. Why has your joint sex life died? Did both of you stop initiating sex? Or did one try to initiate but was constantly rebuffed? Have you and he ever spoken together about this; if yes, what was the outcome, if no, why not?

NeverInDoubt · 27/05/2016 03:56

So what did your husband say when you sat down with him and discussed this?

curren · 27/05/2016 04:45

Forget her.

There are so many issues in your marriage she is irrelevant. I find it hard to believe you have only had sex 3 times in 13 years, resulting in 2 kids and neither of you have ever brought it up.

I am not saying it's not true (though I think it's an exaggeration) but that's not normal. Why do you both never talk about anything?

The marriage seems extremely unhappy. But no one seems to be even acknowledging it or attempting to tackle it.

Rebecca2014 · 27/05/2016 05:08

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sofato5miles · 27/05/2016 05:54

I have 2 children out of sex 4 times.

curren · 27/05/2016 06:02

sofa the cancers of getting pregnant, each time you have sex are slim to none. Upto last week the op had had sex twice and had two kids. Yes it happens, but it's very slim.

You got pregnant 50% of the time, not 100%.

Besides which that's not the point, having sex 3 times in 13 years, is not normal. I am sure some marriages involve people who are happy to do this, but usually it's discussed before hand that the marriage will not involve sex, unless for procreation. Being unhappy about it and not discussing it in 13 years is not normal either.

londonrach · 27/05/2016 06:17

Coconut...id say not mistress but girlfriend! Op you sure you in a relationship with your husband as the lack of sex, the fact he goes on holidays with another lady and spends all his spare time with someone else.....sounds like he isnt really with you. I wonder if his friend doesnt even know he lives with you and is just contacting her boyfriend to arrange things. It all sounds very strange. Might be an idea to ask mn to move this to relationships. Agree with others you need to talk to your husband. The problem is him. Look after yourself here.

zad716 · 27/05/2016 07:19

curren The OP said in the last 13 years, the first child was born prior to this.

But as you say that's not the point anyway.

0dfod · 27/05/2016 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/05/2016 07:38

Sorry op as you will have had some tough to read answers

But your husband is off the Fucking scale out of order

Time for a 'talk' and possibly some ultimatums

But you know - any woman who puts time and effort into hanging with a married man with kids is a Fucking dick too - dont like the cut of her jib either

manicinsomniac · 27/05/2016 07:47

The issue is not her being a woman friend, it is your husband not putting you and his family first.

My two close friends at work/school (we're also teachers) happen to both be men. Married men with families. I'm single (but do have children). The reason I'm close to them and not others is that our subjects cross over and the nature of our work means we spend hours and hours of time together when most others aren't in school. We don't do a lot together outside of school but it's been known - we go to shows sometimes or to the pub. especially after work. Usually as a 3 but I've been with just one of them before. Their wives have been known to refer to themselves as 'the theatre widows' around production times.

BUT - they both put their wives and children (and I put my kids) before anything else. If one of them has something on or needs something they are there like a shot. We never see each other at weekends and very, very rarely in school holidays because those are for families.

stopfucking - don't blame the woman. Absolutely nothing wrong with putting effort into a friendship where the other party is married. Marriage and friendship are not the same thing at all. It's up to him to distinguish the two, not her.

MargaretCavendish · 27/05/2016 07:49

'any woman who puts time and effort into hanging with a married man with kids is a Fucking dick too'

Erm, what? This woman is friends with a work colleague with whom she shares a hobby - is that really so awful? One of my closest friends (I've known him from school) is male, and I think he and his wife will start a family quite soon. Do we have to stop spending time together when she's pregnant, or is it OK until we wait until the birth to cut all one-on-one contact?

sassytheFIRST · 27/05/2016 07:54

As a teacher myself , I wish I had the time to go running (alone or with colleagues) in free periods. Doesn't happen!

OohMavis · 27/05/2016 07:55

So it's never occurred to you that he has a mistress?

manicinsomniac · 27/05/2016 07:58

Does if you teach in a private school sassy . You'll be on the premises for more hours but there are certainly opportunities to go running/swimming/play squash etc with colleagues during the day on occasion.

Standingonmytippytoes · 27/05/2016 08:05

Where's the op?

derxa · 27/05/2016 08:11

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Roussette · 27/05/2016 08:18

It's not her fault. Your DH is probably putting across to her that he can do what he likes in his marriage, he can do the fitness thing whenever he wants with her, why would she worry? If he couldn't do it or was crossing some boundaries in his marriage, he wouldn't be doing it would he?

So agree with everyone else, your problem is with him and you letting him dick about doing what he wants for 13 years with zero one to one time with you.. God knows why you've let it go on so long.