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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to resent the amount of time this (younger) woman spends with my husband?

109 replies

lauren209 · 26/05/2016 22:24

Ever since we got married, which largely equates to - ever since our kids were born - (they are now 13 and 10), my husband has spent a fair amount of time with other women. At the moment, he has a colleague who is about 7 years younger than him, who he spends a lot of time with. They go out cycling together at 6 am, they go for runs in the afternoon (they are both teachers and have free periods) and they go swimming together regularly. They have done a couple of sporting events together, e.g. a triathlon at Eton Dornay. She regularly posts things on his Facebook page about sporting events such as swimming in a lake in the north of Scotland, saying "hey, we should do this together" (which would clearly involve at least a week-end away). One of our kids has autism and, as a result, we have rarely left our children with babysitters. The knock on consequence of this, is that we have had zero one - to - one time together in the last 13 years. Our marriage has, at times, felt like it was falling apart, although interestingly, we did actually have sex once last week for the first time in 6 years (and probably for the third time in 13 years!!). Anyway, for the last 8 or so years, he has spent a good deal of his time with other women. They are his friends. I don't think there is any more to it than that. This other woman is very persistent in asking him to do stuff, such as go cycling, running, swimming and indeed, go away for holidays with her. I have always said nothing and let this happen but now I am starting to resent it. I think to myself, he's my husband and I don't get to spend any one to one time with him (because we can't leave our autistic son with anyone) and yet this colleague of his gets to spend one to one time with him several times a week, let alone, considering the week-ends she has been proposing on Facebook. AIBU to think she needs to fuck the fuck off and get in the queue (behind me) of people who would like to spend time one to one time with my husband?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/05/2016 23:13

She must have sensed the invitation would be welcomed....

Junosmum · 26/05/2016 23:14

I'm with nocapes on this. Tell DH to buck his ideas up

Travelledtheworld · 26/05/2016 23:17

Poor you. What a crap relationship.
A few thoughts:

I. He is obsessive about his chosen sport. This will take priority over everything else in his life unless you out your foot down.

Does female friend know you and the kids even exist ?
If he hasn't been having sex with you, who HAS he been shagging ?

Suggest you go watch his next event and take both kids with you. Introduce them to female friend.

Ask yourself, do you actually love him ?
Sit down with him and have a frank talk about everything.
Have some relationship counselling together and figure out where you want to go next.

purplefox · 26/05/2016 23:19

Your husband goes on holidays with other women?

EweAreHere · 26/05/2016 23:25

Your husband is the issue, not this woman. Are you both getting time to spend time with friends, do things alone, together? Is it unbalanced?

Out of curiosity, would you be as upset with him if the friend he's always heading off to do things with was a male friend?

Marynary · 26/05/2016 23:25

The fact she has openly suggested going on holiday with him means she doesn't think you're in the picture. Although she probably knows he is married she perhaps thinks that it is only one of convenience. He may not have explicitly said this but he is certainly giving that impression.

As other's have said, you need tell him how you feel and perhaps have some counselling.

roundaboutthetown · 26/05/2016 23:33

Your husband is definitely the main issue, but I don't, personally, understand the acceptance of the other woman's behaviour by other posters. What sort of woman regularly invites a married man to go away on holiday with them, leaving the DW behind? It takes two to tango, as they say - why is she so intent on enticing him away? I agree with you that she should fuck the fuck off and find a larger circle of friends to cycle, swim and holiday with, rather than relying on someone else's partner all the time.

weeblueberry · 26/05/2016 23:53

You've had sex once in six years, your husband is going on holidays and spending a lot of time with other women and you're sure nothing's going on?

What?

Petal40 · 26/05/2016 23:55

If there is one thing I have learnt in my 40 +years,it's this.people will treat you how you allow them to.....if you have"put up with it" and not said anything...he will carry on doing exactly as he pleases....seems to me yr husband is confused as to who he married x

blowmybarnacles · 26/05/2016 23:56

This sounds awful.

No sex or six years and just when you are wondering what is going on, hey presto, some sex.

He is shagging somebody else the rest of the time.

LTB. My first ever.

facebookrecruit · 26/05/2016 23:58

Wow. For the love of god get out of this sham now. He is mugging you off to the highest degree, leave the bastard immediately

Petal40 · 27/05/2016 00:04

He's treating you like a babysitter ,while he has a life ,yrs has stopped.god I totally feel for you...pls wake up and smell the coffee .its easy to sleepwalk into a situation and then suddenly wonder how you got here.....especially with kids with addional needs.i understand.xxx what are you going to do from here op????

HelenaDove · 27/05/2016 00:08

I bet the arsehole wants to stay despite behaving like this because if you and he split OP he would actually have to do some parenting on his access weekends instead of indulging his "hobby"

Bodear · 27/05/2016 00:09

The lack of intimacy and honest communication sound like a bigger problem tbh..

mimishimmi · 27/05/2016 00:14

3 times in 13 years? Seriously? You honestly don't believe there is mire to these relationships than friendship. Your husband sounds like he does not respect you at all. How would he feel if you had similar 'friendships' with other males?

maddening · 27/05/2016 00:19

What would you do with every other weekend free? As you would have more time to yourself out of the marriage as he would have the dc then.

Have you broached the subject with him - if not do you think you can?

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/05/2016 00:23

I have always said nothing and let this happen

Why.....?

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/05/2016 00:27

but I don't, personally, understand the acceptance of the other woman's behaviour by other posters.

Because all it takes is for the husband to say 'no thanks' and she's gone - an irrelevance.

The problem is him, and his encouraging of her.

AddToBasket · 27/05/2016 00:27

3x in 13 years?! He's shagging them.

Please don't engage with any of these women. They are not the problem.

GlitterGlassEye · 27/05/2016 00:29

Sex 3 times in 13 years? Do you not see what is wrong with that? Do you want more sex? Or is he not bothered?

Want2bSupermum · 27/05/2016 00:31

Why do you not have sex? (you don't need to answer but just think about it because as a wife intimacy is an important part of my marriage)

Your child having autism doesn't preclude you from having a life. It's time you have your own interests and your own life. He can look after the DC.

Our middle child, aged 3, is autistic and it is very hard. That's why you need a supportive partner who can give you a break. You also sound like you have a depression. I think you need to have time for you. I would also speak to your GP. There are support groups for parents of autistic children and they address issues like this. They are also amazing at sharing babysitting resources. We have three teachers who are special needs teachers in ABA classes as our main babysitters. Not cheap but our sanity is worth more.

dodobookends · 27/05/2016 00:49

Do the children want to spend time with their dad, and ask questions about where he is? The situation you are in is unbelievable - I wouldn't put up with it, that's for sure

mimishimmi · 27/05/2016 00:52

My DS has a PDD- NOS diagnosis. His speech therapist is convinced he's on the spectrum. It hasn't stopped DH and I from having a sex life or him carrying on inappropriate (in terms of time spent with them over us) friendships with other women. How have you not already had fights over this? You need to stand up for yourself - you don't deserve to be treated like this because your child has a disability!!

MargaretCavendish · 27/05/2016 00:58

Firstly, unless I've misread the OP: they haven't actually gone on any of these holidays, have they? I think this casts a bit of a different light, because I'm not necessarily sure these are serious suggestions. I can easily imagine saying half-jokingly to a friend (male or female), 'oh, look at this swim in Scotland - we should do that!' without necessarily meaning it. Also, it's obvious to you that such a trip would be without you, but again, is that obvious to her? She may not realise quite how impossible it would be for you two to both go away for the weekend. Again, if I invited someone to go for a wild swim in Scotland (which does sound great, incidentally) I'd take it as read that my husband and their partner (if any) were invited along for the ride, even if not for the swim!

Anyway, it's all a bit irrelevant: as everyone has pointed out, the real issue here isn't this particular woman, it's a much wider one between you and your husband. I just wanted to point out that she isn't necessarily (or even probably) the man-stealer that you think she is.

emotionsecho · 27/05/2016 00:59

Does your dh actually spend any time with you and your children?

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