To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

Mt purse
I am not traumatised or psychologically damaged in any way.
You did not mention when that happened to you. If it was more recently maybe someone you were attached to could sleep near you and spend all next day holding you/talking to you?

It is very well known that there were very bad effects indeed caused to hospitalised children separated from their parents which once was the norm.

Only you can decide.

I am 35 and my DD is 9 months old. I have no "me" time and I am desperate to go travelling but I can't bring myself to leave her; the max I leave her is 1 hour, with my mum and only if stricly necessary, like a doctors appointment. I feel that if anything should happen to her I should be the one there with her.

However, when I was born my mum was 22. When I was only 5 months old her and my dad when on holiday for 2 weeks, leaving me with my grandparents. She says that I was being well looked after so there was no reason why she should cancel her holiday.

What I am trying to say is that these things are very personal. Age and where you are in life are big determinants. I am fortunate that I don't have to leave my daughter to go back to uni/work/etc, not yet. Yes, I miss my "me" time but that's not the same as someone who is trying to build her future.

If you decide to leave her for 3 months, I am sure she will be fine, but bear in mind she may not recognise you. My mum lived with us for 6 months, then we moved away. She saw my DD ago after a month and DD did not know who she was, not at first though. It did not take long to warm up to her though.

Are you breastfeeding? If so, that may change things. My DD is addicted to the breast!

Good luck with your choice!

It is very well known that there were very bad effects indeed caused to hospitalised children separated from their parents
Which wouldn't be the case here.

Certainly not an ideal situation, but not the evil mother some paint the OP as.

Both DH and I have to go away for work at times, couple of weeks max though.

At age 15 I would have done three months, with a 6 year old, maybe if the alternative was career ending. At 10 month I wouldn't have considered it at all.

I certainly do not remember it

Actual memory would not always come into it at a very young age.

There really is no getting through to some people on this thread.

Op, I really hope you do what is best for You and your Family :)

Interesting study, Peregrane. I just read it. The thing that jumps out at me is how it seems to make little or no effort to control for the quality of other caregiving relationships in the child's life. On page 87 it finally gets round to acknowledging this - ie that the study takes no account of who the child was left with during separation from its mother.

So this study provides no direct evidence relevant to the OP's situation. If it demonstrated a significant change in developmental outcomes following brief separations from the mother before 2 years old, despite the presence of other loving caregivers it might be relevant. As it is, it seems unclear what exactly it demonstrates.

If I were feeling cynical I'd say it's almost as though they want to prove that mothers are not allowed to leave their children, ever, and in pursuit of that conclusion are happy to ignore fathers, grandparents and other loving carers that may surround a child

But this cannot be, for as any fule kno, this is Science and Science never contains social or political bias

It's not certain whether this option would have benefits with respect to future employment in comparison with just completing the study or doing so with other options, eg UK research, a work placement or part time job.

It's also not certain what the short and longer term impact would be on your DC.

I know which I'd rather take a chance on.

Lweji
Which wouldn't be the case here
What I said about children in hospitals without their parents was in response to what MtPurse had said about how being in hospital for 4 months not having affected her/him. I replied that it was known to have affected lots of children in the past when this was the norm.

The present proposed separation is not just the same, I realise that.

I do not think anyone is saying the OP is evil - just explaining why they would not go away for three months themselves.

People who used to have nannies for their children would leave them all the time. Children had slightly more remote relations with their parents then, and nannies from birth usually. Did the queen go on a long tour once when Prince Charles was a baby? I realise this case is not just the same.

The Queen.

*Won't SOMEBODY think of the daddies....??!!
*

This seems as relevant as anything on this thread for the OP's situation.

The best most rigorously designed and executed research study cannot predict the outcome for an individual case.

Nursery takes a while to settle into, plus it costs a fortune. Make sure you factor that cost into your plans.

I think 3 months is far too long for a child that age. I would expect the uni to have some flexibility here; worth asking if you could go for 3 weeks or a month instead. What's the job prospect/area of study? Things that look good on a cv may not actually have much impact on potential employment. Maybe make an appointment with your course leader and discuss options ? Is there a uk based option, with opportunities to go home at weekends, for example?

I wouldn't even consider it and nor would dh.

Longest dh has worked away for is 3 weeks - he'd go away for 3 months now but the kids are older ( but still young).

However that doesn't mean it's wrong to. You're considering it so you must see benefits - I guess it's just a matter of weighing up the pros and cons. You will definitely have to relinquish control though, that goes without saying. You'll have to let DP do it his way - eg with the wipes I'm sure if he saw they were giving her a rash he'd stop? I'm sure he'll feed her healthy foods etc. Just make sure he knows any admin stuff that you might ordinarily deal with eg vaccinations or anything:

Good luck with your decision.

is an entirely different kettle of fish to mum ups sticks for three months.

Better make sure mum is never ill then. Or never has an accident and spends 3 months on hospital with no small people allowed as visitors.

My point stands, why is it so bad for a mum to do it and not for dad who's in the Forces or in some other job where they have to go away?

I would not do it. I think you it would be a big mistake to go away for that long in a young baby's life.'s not about the firsts you miss or even how much you missed her, it's about her missing you and thinking you've left her.

Sorry my PC keeps skipping words.

I think you would regret it, it would be a big mistake to go away for that long in a young baby's life. It is not about the firsts you miss or even how much you missed her, it's about her missing you and thinking you've left her.

It's not really about memory at all.

Please read up on this stuff and make your own decisions.

My point stands, why is it so bad for a mum to do it and not for dad who's in the Forces or in some other job where they have to go away?

It's the primary care giver, whether that is mum or dad or whoever.

And mum or dad or whoever being in hospital is not the same as choosing to go on a research trip!

Absolutely not. It's not an absolute necessity to do the 3 months and I agree with a PP in that I think it'd possibly reflect badly on you when an employer is looking at you - leaving a baby when you're the primary carer for 3 months. It's selfish.

It's also baffling why it's nappy wipes vs water that you're focusing on here! Wipes will be the LEAST of your problems if you are separated from your baby for 3 months.

When you have DC, things change as do your priorities. You have to make sacrifices and the welfare of your baby is far more important than some 3 month stint in Asia.

Can a child only have the one primary carer? I don't think it's impossible (or uncommon) for their to be multiple 'joint firsts' when it comes to raising a child in a secure, loving environment.

My point stands, why is it so bad for a mum to do it and not for dad who's in the Forces or in some other job where they have to go away

Forces is a literally life or death situation though isn't it? It's not an optional luxury like 3 months studying in Asia.

Not really comparable IMO.

Goodness coconutpie "absolute necessity" is setting a bit of a high bar.

I mean, I'm leaving the DC with DH for a few hours this weekend so I can go and get my hair done. That's not an "absolute necessity". Am I wrong to do that? Similarly, I leave the DC with a nanny 4 days a week so I can work. We could survive without my wage, so it's not an "absolute necessity" but I like working and the extra money is handy. And the DC are happy. Am I wrong to do that?

Forces is a literally life or death situation though isn't it? It's not an optional luxury like 3 months studying in Asia.

In the UK nobody is forced to enlist.
Why does anybody in the forces have children, then?

Why does anybody in the forces have children, then?

I don't know. I'm not in the forces.

But it seems to me that when you sign up, you do so knowing that - children or no children - if you're deployed, you have to go. And it's for a very serious reason.

All I'm saying is that comparing an optional 3 month studying stint in Asia to a forces deployment is a straw man.

Presumably the OP didn't sign up to her degree or have children knowing it might always have to come to this and that there would be no choice about going.

I'm sorry but it's incredibly self centred and selfish, poor child. That's three months of your DCs babyhood you will never get back. I would say the same if it was the father going too. My SIL went to prison for three months a few years ago and I still remember how upsetting it was when she kept asking if her mum was ever coming home, and watching her play 'mum' games with her dolls.

Why does anybody in the forces have children, then?

We'd be fucked if every member of the Armed Forces left the moment they became a parent. No idea what the percentage is, but among the several dozen (more actually, I've not counted) I've known very, very few who aren't parents by the time they reach their 30s.