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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about DH taking DD (18mo) abroad on his own for five days

128 replies

basicallyobviously · 24/05/2016 21:12

Since dd was born, DH and I have had quite defined roles. I have taken care of her at home and DH has worked and brought money in. I've been the one to get up in the night, see her through all the illnesses, organise all clothes, food, activities etc.

DH has been an okay, if frequently absent, Dad. He doesn't know what she likes to eat, where her clothes are, and he is not well versed in the way she communicates. She is happy when she is with him for the shorter bursts of time that she spends, but I know that she is happier with me generally (just at this point in her life - I fully expect this to change in the future!)

Normally he is too busy to take her, but he has surprised me by telling me he wants to visit his family soon for five days and he wants to take her with him. I cannot go because I have a family issue in this country which I need to deal with.

It all seems a good balance of parenting on the surface and maybe I can also attribute it to the fact that now she is older and more talkative he feels he has a better chance at bonding with her (as opposed to her being EBF and attached to me). However... I have a really strong niggle that he will just dump DD with MIL/aunt (who DD doesn't know) and go off to do his own thing. I'm also aware that MIL has been pressuring him to bring DD with him because she wants to see her (perfectly fine of course, but that is pretty guaranteed childcare.)

On the flipside it could be a really good wake-up call for him about how relentless it is to care for and entertain a toddler day and night - something which he has no idea of. But am I taking too much of a risk by letting her go and hoping his baptism of fire is a success?!

Also, a part of me is in total denial that it could happen. There has not been a day of her life where she has not seen me. And to be suddenly whisked off abroad for five days and out of her normal routine might be scary for her.

Am I being PFB? AIBU?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 25/05/2016 18:10

it is normal for 18mos to switch their preferences between parents: so sometimes they will prefer one and sometimes the other

what is not normal these days is for a father to refuse to do his job

or as Thurlow put it:

"In the normal run of things, a dad has exactly the same rights as a mum to go what he likes with his children, and it's not a mum's position to "allow" or "let" him take a child away for a few days. In the normal run of things, your DD is going to stay with an extended family and it sounds like a lovely thing for everyone to do. If your DH was just a bit inexperienced at doing certain things, I'd be first in the queue to say this would be a great learning experience.

But I'm sorry, when one partner has got to the point that after eighteen months of parenting they still can't run through a simple list of "are they hungry, are they tired, are they wet, are they hurt" to work out what a young child might be crying then there are some seriously big issues within your relationship and your family dynamic that need looking at.

And your DD spending 5 days with grandma (which she'll probably absolutely love and everything will be great) is not the way, because your DH is just going to pass her over to his mum.

I'd be saying quite simply that I'm sorry, anyone who isn't capable after a year and a half of remembering that a nappy needs changing first thing in the morning is an absolute tool and it isn't even worth talking about."

Would your dh ever deal with an unexpected situation outside the house- say at work - in this way: by just whimpering with his head in his hands instead of getting down to it and learning? How can he hold down a job and be the bread winner and presumably drive a car and function in the adult world if he cannot learn to perform and remember a new task which he has not previously come across?

IslaSinga · 25/05/2016 18:18

I wouldn't allow it. I'd still get all twitchy about my 12 year old going off abroad! Confused

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 25/05/2016 18:19

Reading your description of how he was with her in the morning when her nappy needed changing and she was crying, there seem to be bigger issues going on. His reaction to her sounds utterly bizarre. Confused

Randomer234 · 25/05/2016 18:21

I think 5 days is quite a long time to be away but then it sounds like your dh and DD haven't had the chance to bond. If you run to her every time daddy is holding her but shouting you he's not going to learn how to help her. My son can be the same as I'm primary carer too but I leave my partner to it and let them work it out partner will then sit on sofa and read a book or play with toys etc and DS forgets he wants me. Obviously if he's really distressed I go to him and we all sit together but I let partner read book/chat/play with toys and I sit there quietly. DS needs to know he has 2 parents he can rely on.... as does your dd. Have a break and let him work it out he will have to at some point 😃.

Randomer234 · 25/05/2016 18:24

P.s that sounded like I was having a dig at you op I'm not I think your dh needs to get a grip and get to know you dd for both of them. 😃

Oly5 · 25/05/2016 18:27

I agree that you need to leave them to it. He'll never learn if you don't let him do things. Your comment of "I know she'd rather be with me" makes me think you're quite possessive over her anyway. Is there a chance he doesn't even try because you'd be all over him telling him he's doing it wrong?

pinkbraces · 25/05/2016 18:30

I can't believe that women still choose to saddle themselves with such incompetent men children. Why would you choose a life where your husband/partner opts out of so much?

Inkanta · 25/05/2016 18:43

Poor kid saddled with this dad.

wallywobbles · 25/05/2016 18:46

I'd encourage it. Be les PFB let him step up. Worse case his mum (her gran) steps in. Is that so terrible?

motherinferior · 25/05/2016 18:49

I agree with Thurlow too.

BeanyGodkin · 25/05/2016 19:45

This is not helpful at all, but I wouldn't let it happen-or I would go to no matter what was happening.

Booboostwo · 25/05/2016 20:05

Your DH's reaction is peculiar. I can imagine a parent who has not been the primary care giver fumbling around a bit if left sole charge but I'd expect that to be things like putting on the wrong clothes, going out and forgetting the diapers, etc. Your DH seems to have a fundamental problem relating to your DD and understanding her needs. He doesn't sound like someone who pretends to be incompetent about practical things to get out of having to do them but like someone who has difficulty recognising what he should be doing in response to a child. Does he have similar problems relating to adults? Does he see his behaviour with DD as problematic?

carashae82 · 25/05/2016 20:40

I believe you have made the right choice for your daughter, she would have been traumatised and on returning would have never let you out of her sight (I have experienced this first hand).

You do need to start getting DH to pull his weight. Not only for your sake, but to start building a proper healthy relationship with his baby girl. Maybe start with a morning at the spa. Leave him a list of what to do when (the basics), and then build it up over time.

coconutpie · 25/05/2016 21:08

Glad to hear you said no to the trip. Your DH needs to step up. Time to start spelling it out for him - when DD wakes, change nappy. Show him how to do a bath and then let him do the next one, etc. Show him where her clothes are, what food she eats, etc etc. Then let him get on with it.

Terrifiedandregretful · 25/05/2016 21:19

I think you both need to think about your roles and relationship with dd. Working full time still means he's around at the evenings and weekends and when on leave, why is he not competent at taking care of his own dd?

zeezeek · 25/05/2016 21:24

Ordinarily I would say that as an equal parent your DH has as much right as you do, but from what you've said, this man is incompetent to look after his own child and it would just cause her distress. So yes, you are right to not allow someone who has proved that they cannot look after your child to look after your child. Even if that person is also their parent.

I left my PFB at 18 months with their father - but my DH was fully involved in her life from the minute she was born and, in certain respects, he proved better than me. I was gone for 10 weeks and despite missing my child like crazy, I knew she was fine. In fact the separation was 100x worse for me than her.

You sound like a fab mum, but he's not pulling his weight. Whether you go back to work or not. He needs to step up and be a Dad.

magratvonlipwig · 25/05/2016 21:55

I can see why youre worried but id let them go. Itll be good for them both to spend time together even if he does enlist a load of help.
Meanwhile go out with your friends and dont sit home worrying.

Nanny0gg · 25/05/2016 22:29

Why should an 18 month-old be used as a guinea-pig to train an incompetent parent? And the only competent person around will be a virtual stranger?

5 days without the parent that they are attached to is too long in this scenario.

The OP needs to start leaving her DD for short amounts of time plus making her DH join in with parenting. He needs how to learn how to change a nappy, how, what and when to feed her, bath her and put her to bed.
And that horseplay isn't the only form of interaction.

LyndaNotLinda · 25/05/2016 22:44

He is choosing to be incompetent. Absence any mental incapacity problems, no one is that thick.

He doesn't want to be a parent, he wants to be a Disney dad. And you're supporting him in that.

Go out for the day and leave him with your DD. He won't kill her but he will have to step up to the plate.

We were all incompetent parents to start off with - the only way you learn is if a) you want to and b) you're given the opportunity.

He's had a very comfy ride up until now. You can change that OP but only by stepping back. Otherwise nothing is going to change. Do you really want to never be able to go out with your mates for the next 10 years because you can't trust your husband to look after the kids? Because that's what's going to happen.

notthescarletwoman · 25/05/2016 23:06

When I first read this post I agreed with all the posters that said HB would be fine having the child for 5 days (although in my heart thinking of my own child I would personally struggle knowing the routine would go out of the window.), I also thought that would help with the bonding etc given he doesn't see her much.

Having read the latest update it prompted me to post. I would definitely advise a no at this point as he sounds incompetent at best and slightly scary at worst. Understand some men need some guidance but if you have to remind that much and he can't even recognise she needs changing there is something fundamentally wrong in my view. I don't like the way he was trying to deal with her crying - instinctively there is something wrong there. My husband is not what I would call empathic but he was totally calm and caring and always knew how to calm our babies.

My husband is certainly not gods gift to fatherhood but my children's safety, hygiene and care is always there with him. I completely trust him to care for our children as I know he loves them more than his own life.

Lilacpink40 · 25/05/2016 23:13

Too young to be away from primary care giver. You and she will go through uneccesssarry stress. If he steps up to role over this year then next year he could take her? You'll be able to explain it with basic words and she'll have confidence in him.

bangalanguk · 26/05/2016 04:23

Is your need to be her primary carer excluding him from the relationship? You need to let go a little and encourage him to have more of a relationship with her. It could be good to help them bond.

mumoseven · 26/05/2016 05:58

And this is why there's a whole swathe of over anxious parents(mums as well as dads) who get to school age and cannot bear to trust teachers with their children and whose children are super anxious about being left with other carers and have built up no resilience whatsoever to things being 'different'.
You need to ask yourself what you are afraid will happen.
Dd will cry for you uncontrollably from the minute she leaves?
Dad will (lord forbid!) not stick to every single routine you have in place, thus causing the sky to cave in?
Dad will leave her on a bus accidentally? Because men can't possibly look after kids?
Dd will have such a lovely time there she will stop loving you?
Have a think about the difference between routine - a way of getting through a day easily, and ritual - we must always do things a certain way otherwise something dreadful will happen.
I think this is much more about you.
It also shows a certain contempt for your husband, her dad. Yes she might come back a bit different, dressed by dad, sleeping at different times, eating unusual food (or you know, dad might defy all those ridiculous cultural stereotypes and do a great job). But he doesn't present a danger to her, does he?

6o6o842 · 26/05/2016 07:10

After your update it sounds to me as if your DH would much prefer to visit his family by himself but is being pressured to take DD along. If that's the case then he'll most likely leave her care to other family members as you've predicted. My youngest is 3 and a very good talker, DH and I have no probs understanding him but my in-laws struggle so when they are caring for the kids my older boys have to interpret (which they do really well!). My concern is that your DD would be left in the care of people who have no idea what her routine is and they'd have no way of finding out because you wouldn't be there and DH has no idea. Kids are pretty resilient and I'm sure they'd all work it out, but that would play on my mind the while time. I'd have to write down some info for DH so he/whoever looks after DD had something to refer to and they weren't making it up as they went along. I'd be having an honest chat with DH about what he really wants, how he thinks he'd cope being primary carer for 5 days, what support he'd need from you to make it work (routine written down etc). I think it's fine for him to take her as long as he's prepared to assume the role of primary carer and not foist her into the care of adults she doesn't know and who don't know her. If he's not prepared to do that I'd be asking him if he really thought it was a good idea.

saoirse31 · 26/05/2016 08:08

I wonder how convinced r u that u r only one who can mind her properly? At 18 months you spend a lot of time monitoring her liquid intake during day... Seems a little Ott. He sounds useless but u sound as if you're never going to be happy with others caring for her and that's not good either