about DH taking DD (18mo) abroad on his own for five days

[basicallyobviously]

Since dd was born, DH and I have had quite defined roles. I have taken care of her at home and DH has worked and brought money in. I've been the one to get up in the night, see her through all the illnesses, organise all clothes, food, activities etc.

DH has been an okay, if frequently absent, Dad. He doesn't know what she likes to eat, where her clothes are, and he is not well versed in the way she communicates. She is happy when she is with him for the shorter bursts of time that she spends, but I know that she is happier with me generally (just at this point in her life - I fully expect this to change in the future!)

Normally he is too busy to take her, but he has surprised me by telling me he wants to visit his family soon for five days and he wants to take her with him. I cannot go because I have a family issue in this country which I need to deal with.

It all seems a good balance of parenting on the surface and maybe I can also attribute it to the fact that now she is older and more talkative he feels he has a better chance at bonding with her (as opposed to her being EBF and attached to me). However... I have a really strong niggle that he will just dump DD with MIL/aunt (who DD doesn't know) and go off to do his own thing. I'm also aware that MIL has been pressuring him to bring DD with him because she wants to see her (perfectly fine of course, but that is pretty guaranteed childcare.)

On the flipside it could be a really good wake-up call for him about how relentless it is to care for and entertain a toddler day and night - something which he has no idea of. But am I taking too much of a risk by letting her go and hoping his baptism of fire is a success?!

Also, a part of me is in total denial that it could happen. There has not been a day of her life where she has not seen me. And to be suddenly whisked off abroad for five days and out of her normal routine might be scary for her.

Am I being PFB? AIBU?

[Tryingtowait]

This thread and the responses have left me with thought about my own situation. I originally thought YANBU as my ds (3.5 years) has never spent a whole day without me and actually when I go to work he regularly says to his daddy how much he misses me and I totally miss him.

But I first took my son to meet my parents without dh at 3 months old for a week. And as they live away we regularly go twice a year for a week. Ds and dh miss each other but not in the same way (ds is a complete mummy's boy).

I don't know what the answer is because I'd be a hypocrite to say my dh couldn't take him away but I'd get seriously upset about it (I'm already dreading him starting full time school next year!). Yes I am an over protective parent, but to me he's still my baby. Will have to let him grow up one day :(

[happypoobum]

Why can't he wait until your family issue is resolved and visit his family then, taking both you and DD?

If he is just going to dump DD on MIL then I agree with PP he will return saying it's piss easy looking after a toddler.

I could not possibly have been in a different country to my DC for five days at that age but everyone is different and I don't believe there is any right or wrong, it's just about what you are comfortable with.

Asking all of us doesn't really resolve that as it's irrelevant if one poster says they went on a 12 week roadtrip three weeks after their baby was born and hardly gave them a second thought, or another says their DC are 18 and they still haven't spent a night apart. This is YOUR child and if you think you will be unhappy you should share this information with DH and come up with a compromise. I hope you get it sorted.

[frumplstilskin]

Yes OP you're a horrible person for not wanting your child to go off and be left in the care of strangers which you know will happen because dh doesn't look after now when he has the chance.

If a parent wants to show they can look after their child.. they don't need a special occasion.. they can do it any time.

No I wouldn't allow it. And yes, "Allow" is the correct word as I would be saying 'no, you can't do that'. That's how words work.

[HappyNevertheless]

Well when my dcs were that age, we had (unfortunately) as similar arrangement.
That didn't stop me from leaving the dcs (TWO of them!) with DH at that age to go and do my own things. First time in a long while.

The reasoning for me is easy. He was their DAD. If I can't trust their own dad to look after them who on earth will I ever trust?
We have shared parental responsibility and that means I do NOT have any more rights on the dcs than him and certainly do not have the right to say of he can go away with his own (!!) children or not.
As for 'dumping them' with their grandmother. You can look at it like this or look at it as an opportunity for your child to build a relationship with his gran. Who wouldn't want that?

The issue here is that
1- you don't trust your DH to be 'as good as you' to look after your child
2- you don;t really want him to become as good as you (the only he can do tat is by getting the experience. That's one of the best opportunity for him to do that)

[bearleftmonkeyright]

You're going to have to compromise. She is his daughter. Has he actually said he will leave her with your mil? If you don't want to be away from her you will have to go with him. What is the family situation that stops you leaving for a few days?

[Elesbe]

Does she have a passport?

[Oly5]

I totally agree with happy. This is your issue.
He's her father ffs.

[babyboomersrock]

It isn't really about how much you'll miss her, OP - what about your little DD? How is she supposed to know you haven't gone for ever? At 18 months old, even if she is highly verbal, she isn't going to understand the concept of 5 days.

If it were the case that you shared her care equally and that she was as used to being with her father as with you, then that might be different.

However, since you say he has little to do with her care generally and you already suspect he isn't likely to be looking after her himself, I don't know why you're even considering it. All the posters saying "she'll be fine" - really? How do you know that?

[RaspberryBeret34]

I think it is reasonable for either parent to not "allow" the other to take a very small child or baby away (by not allow I mean express strong reservations and having a conversation but ultimate power of veto).

In your case, OP, I think I'd say yes but ask if he can make it 4 days this time? And say he needs to spend more time alone with her in the run up to going (for both their sakes!). And no need to explain everything to him, just give them a few hrs of alone time - putting to bed, eating dinner or whatever. thry will work out their own way of doing things. I think you've got the opportunity here for them to forge a closer relationship and for him to understand your life a bit more. I agree with PPs who said he's likely to leave her with MIL and think this child care stuff is easy but hopefully the extra time they spend together before hand will help with that. Plus a flight, alone I assume, with an 18m old .

[happypoobum]

nevertheless you are quite wrong about parents having a right to take children abroad if the other parent vetoes it, but maybe you are not in the UK?

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

[SaucyJack]

I'm firmly in the school of thought that one parent doesn't get to "let" (or not) the other parent do something perfectly safe, normal and sensible with their own child.

Yes, you'll miss her. Yes, she'll miss you.

But that doesn't mean she won't have a lovely time with her father and his family regardless.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

I don't think it's fair on an 18 month old to be taken away from her home, everything that is familiar to her & unnecessarily separated from her primary carer, when the other parent is largely absent, clearly doesn't look after her on his own, knows nothing about her likes or dislikes or routine. Let alone with a (long?) flight and being left with (to her) strangers.

She's not a doll to placate his mother with. If the MIL wants to see the grandchild & get to know her, she can visit herself. Or they can wait until the primary carer is able to go too.

[Jojay]

I would encourage it. My dh took ds1 to Scotland when he was 11 months for 5 days. I found it really tough but that was my issue, not theirs.

I felt it would be incredibly damaging to my marriage to imply that I didn't trust dh with ds. For that reason alone I went with it, and would do so again. They had a great time, though dh found it pretty hard work. There were no great disasters and we were all very pleased to see each other when they got back!

Unless you've got any genuine welfare concerns, and it sounds like you don't, wave them off with a smile 😊

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

He's her father FFS.

Being a father is about more than biology.

I've been the one to get up in the night, see her through all the illnesses, organise all clothes, food, activities etc. DH has been an okay, if frequently absent, Dad. He doesn't know what she likes to eat, where her clothes are, and he is not well versed in the way she communicates. She is happy when she is with him for the shorter bursts of time that she spends, but I know that she is happier with me generally


He's happy to be 'hands free daddy', until his mummy wants him to take DD to see her

[DinosaursRoar]

I'd say start with 1 night. So you will pick a weekend in the next couple of weeks, go off first thing Saturday morning, stay over in a B&B or visiting a friend and come back Sunday afternoon. Resist temptation to lay out clothes and pre-cook meals. See how well that goes.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

It's not about one parent 'allowing' or 'stopping' the other though is it? It isn't about the parents, it's about the child. So yes, he should be 'allowed' to take dd abroad for 5 days. But dd should spend 5 days with someone who knows her routine (especially with her being away from home in unfamiliar territory), someone who knows how to calm her down if she's hurt or upset, someone who knows what she'd like to eat, can placate her if she's upset for her mum because she's never been away from her etc etc. This doesn't sound like your DH. Or his family as they don't see her often. She'll survive, of course but it may be a miserable time for both of you. Personally I'd be telling DH if he wants to take DD away he has to step up beforehand, go out for an afternoon/ bedtime. He can take her to the park and for tea out etc and see how it goes. If he doesn't want to/ can't why does he want to take her away except to palm her off on a stranger to dd who happens to be his mother?

[Ilovenannyplum]

I wouldn't do it, my DS is 21 months and I wouldn't want him to be left with people that don't know his routine or preferences etc, I don't think that would be very fair on him.

Plus I would miss him too much, a couple of days maybe but not 5 days

Could your husband postpone this trip until you're able to go too?

[whois]

Its only 5 days. He'll work it out and probably sort their relationship right out.

[LouBlue1507]

The issue here is that
1- you don't trust your DH to be 'as good as you' to look after your child
2- you don;t really want him to become as good as you (the only he can do tat is by getting the experience. That's one of the best opportunity for him to do that)

I second this!

[Valentine2]

No. Don't send her with him. She will be too much disturbed by this and that is just not worth any of anything really. I won't do it in a million years.

[corythatwas]

To me the whole concept of a father being so unused to looking after his own child that he cannot be trusted with her is so completely alien that I am struggling to get my head round it.

Why did you decide on those clearly defined roles? I breastfed and was the SAHM for most of the time, but this idea never occurred to us. Was it because your dh resisted any attempts to involve him? Or was it because you did not want him involved? To me it sounds like whoever came up with this idea is doing your dd a massive disservice: what if you became ill or needed to be away? Why impose on her the extra stress of a parent who doesn't know the ropes?

Not saying at all that it would be fair to send an 18mo away with someone she is not familiar with. Just can't help thinking that if she is not familiar with the man who has been living in the same house as her for 18 months and is her own father, then there is something wrong. And if that is not sorted, there is no magical reason why he will suddenly get close to her when she is 3 or 7 or 17. Bonding is something you work on: not something you sit down and wait until it happens. The two of you need to start working now.

[Bragadocia]

Whether MIL or anyone else will be made happy by having DD there is irrelevant - DD is not a toy. Her needs come first; she is the only person in this situation who is not capable of reason, understanding or compromise. She will not know where her mother is, she will not feel secure, she will be unsettled by the break in the routine without her one constant (you) there to reassure her. It will not serve her best interests at all to take this trip, and she shouldn't go. DH sounds insensitive to her needs if he thinks this is a good idea.

[Boosiehs]

What corrythatwas said.

My DH was the primary care giver for DS when I went back to work. However each of us has taken DS away on our own to give the other a rest or when I have to travel with work.

I can't believe a parent would know so little about their child that the other parent is unhappy to let them take the child away.

Oh and as for "No, I'd miss them too much". WTAF? It's their family they are visiting and whether you would miss them is not really here nor there.

Your DH needs to get to know your DD's routine over the next few weeks and then he can surely take her away for a few days.

[Quodlibet]

The small child will be going to a completely unfamiliar situation which might well be upsetting for her. She will need an anchor of a carer she is attached to and who she trusts. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like her father is fulfilling that role. If he's not, it's unfair on the child for her to make the trip without you.

[basicallyobviously]

Thank you for all replies - they are all valid.

DH has a family event which he has to attend, and I have a family issue which I have to resolve. The timing of both is crucial and we decided the best course of action was to sort out both of our families individually. I assumed I would be taking DD, as I always have. I'm just totally thrown that he wants to take her this time.

In some way I was hoping to get your take on whether it was going to be a bigger issue for me or for her. And as she is pre-verbal (she says a few words, but she's hardly at a point of understanding time and being told what's going to happen) communicating with her depends a lot on knowing her and reading her well.

When she wakes in the night upset, it is normally because she doesn't drink enough in the day. This means I monitor her liquid intake quite a lot all day to make sure she is hydrated. If she woke while with DH, he would have no clue what she needed (despite me telling him) it just seems to go in one ear and out of the other.

He got her up this morning while I was getting dressed (which for him means not changing her bulging nappy but just getting her out of bed and giving her milk) and I could hear her crying. He was saying "what? what? Just stop. Stop," in this panicky voice. And when she didn't stop and I came in to see them, he was whining "stooooooppppp, please" with his hands over his ears, exasperated. Just talking to her like she's an adult and like she's trying to make his life difficult. She hates sitting in a nappy she's had on for 12 hours - all he had to do was change her, and I've told him so many times, but it just wasn't something which ran through his mind.

He doesn't think "why is she crying? Can there be something she is upset about? What is the problem here? Let me run through a mental list of the possibilities." He thinks "good God, I need to stop that sound - it's hurting my ears."

Is it really worth a few crisis days where she forgoes some comfort in order for them to bond and where he is forced to become more attuned to her needs? It'll certainly benefit me more in the long run if he does. But I don't know if it's worth it for her sake, knowing that for five days she may not have her needs met.