To find some parents are very patronising to expectant parents?

[pinkladyapple]

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. And myself and my OH have decided that it's probably best if we don't speak. If myself or my OH dare to say one of us feels tired, we get told "Oh if you feel tired now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we've had a busy week/no time for something - "Oh if you think you're busy now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we fancy going out for meal/shopping/cinema/frolic outside we get "Oh I hope you know you won't be able to do anything when baby comes!"

Or even if we don't say anything at all, actually "You're going to have a big shock when baby comes. You won't be able to carry on the same as you are now!" Accompanied by knowing looks and a laugh.

I just needed to rant. Please tell me there are others who have felt like this! I know they mean well and I know that nothing prepares you for your first child, but give me and my OH some credit. I don't mind people saying things in context, for example some good advice we had early on is to spend at much time as possible doing the things we love now (and not to feel guilty about the expense), and that I should take my maternity leave a week or two before due date so I can have some time to relax.

AIBU to find it patronising? Especially coming from the same people again and again? How am I meant to react?

Sorry Op, that wasn't really what your thread is about In my defence I am a tad sleep deprived (and not because of my 4dc!) and a tad emotional

DrWhy don't stress about the lack of sleep , yes you will probably get more interrupted sleep , but if this is your first , then there is nothing wrong with going back to bed and not getting up until late , just learn to grab any sleep opportunites that present themselves during the first weeks , regardless of whether they fit in with your previous 'normal' routine

Hope that isnt patronising .

sunnyoutside I totally agree. It's so peaceful the feeling stops time. Parenthood is a wonderful journey. It is so sad when people want to spoil that journey for others. Wishing you blessings for your much awaited baby op.

I know what you mean, but on the flip side I actually found the comments from people who were honest about how awful the first few weeks/months were really comforting in the hideous first few weeks/months. I avoided the people who told be it would all be wonderful and not to listen to the negativity, because I might not have been responsible for my actions...

Young relative of mine is about to have a baby and I have to resist the urge to say anything, must admit. As I can remember being pregnant and wanting a T shirt printed saying "F Off With Your Advice!"

One bit of advice I'm longing to give her, I can't, precisely because I don't want to be seen as interfering. Her mum has already persuaded her not to even try to breastfeed ("Because it's uncomfortable") and also so that the husband can feed the baby so bond with it. I breastfed 5 kids for a year each. It was free. It was convenient. And sod other people - what kind of bloke would only bond with a child if he fed it? A few months, they're eating solids anyway...

I have said Not One Word. Because if I do I know it's unwanted advice. One odd thing the prospective grandma said to me was "X wants to do what's best for the baby" but in this one central, obvious thing she's encouraged her really actively not to. But I know it will cause a row if I saw one word so have kept schtum.

The relative's husband's a total creep and dick as well, and if she was my daughter I'd be 'advising' her to keep him out of the delivery room as he won't be able to handle it without going to pieces. (He has a nervous breakdown if she stubs a toe). Best labour I had was just me and the midwife alone, without having to worry abotu the emotions of another person in the room (and 20 odd years on, that kid is my husband's obvious 'favourite', above the ones who he saw being born, so it makes no difference in terms of 'bonding').

Sometimes it's hard keeping quiet.

I think people just get excited for you. I found it patronising and annoying when I was pregnant, my cousin is trying for a baby and I'm sorry to say I am that patronising person just because I've had that amazing moment and I want to share that excitement rather than 'I know best' if that makes sense?

I totally get it. It never stops, it still drives me round the bend and my ds is 4 and lo is 10m

Some people are just twats. Ignore them as much as possible or do what I do and act totally contrary. I'll argue black is white just to prove a stupid uninvited piece of baby advice wrong.

I also slept better with a newborn than pregnant - achey, snotty and permanently needing a wee! To be honest I found the newborn period pretty easy but then my baby did sleep well and I had various family members come and stay which was a mixed blessing but they did help us get some sleep. I'm actually finding things more challenging several months on but wouldn't 'just wait' anyone as many people have completely different experience.

Joffrey god yes, I imagine it is hard to keep your mouth shut. I never imagined feeding my DD before she was born because I didn't want to predict. I left it to chance. Had a pack of 3 bottles and a bit of formula in case. I ended up feeding for 2.5 years. It was magical for me. Just not for everyone. Telling someone they must or must not do something so fundamental with their child is controlling and borderline abuse of the mother in a vulnerable position. Poor woman as if she didn't have enough to contend with - her partner and all.

Terriifed oh god no it isn't all flowers and a white picket fence. The ups and downs, the learning, the experience and yes, it was really tough at times. That's the journey I was meaning. I would just rather be asked or give the offer that I was there as a resource than give unsolicited advice. Many people have no such boundary.

I was told I'd never be able yo do anything ever again. I'm self employed and was told (by others in the business) that j was very naive to think I could ever work again). I said that if have to as I'd signed a contract to work on four months after the baby was born. People almost fainted.

You know what? I managed it. Not only that but my career took much bigger than before.

The first few weeks were a bit of a shock with the baby I'll admit but things soon settled and we found our feet.

My 'babies' are now 11 and 9. I'm much more tired now than when they were small but in a different way. I'm also 10 years older, and school stuff needs a lot of organising. I look back on the early baby days fondly. Life seemed a lot slower.

I try not to offer unwanted advice except to try and enjoy your baby. It went so quickly fir me that it's seems like a happy, hazy blur.

Ah yes the expectant mother has already - again, due to influence of her mother - dismissed co-sleeping (I hadn't planned on it either 20 odd years ago with my first but it was the ONLY way he'd sleep at all), breastfeeding, and pretty well every single thing I did with my kids. The same mum had kids who struggled with self esteem, wet the bed to teenage years, (she toilet trained them too young), struggled with obesity (which I suspect may in some cases, be linked to bottle feeding), etc etc. Interesting how the next generation is persuaded to perpetuate the precise behaviour patterns of the earlier even when empiric evidence suggests maybe they took some wrong turns...

I have managed to stay silent throughout but I am worried that my pregnant relative is being influenced by someone who although a lovely person, has some rather 1950s' ideas about parenting. which means she has already decided she won't even be trying some things that would actually make her life easier and a few years down the line, her child less likely to have the same problems she had.

I guess the bottom line is, however non judgemental you'd like to imagine you are, everyone is always assessing other people's parenting styles, on some level and I have to admit, the conclusions I drew about things like breastfeeding etc, were not only down to my own experience but also down to observing other people's realities.

I had enough babies to realise every pregnancy and delivery and child is very different and so played it by ear - but I feel sad that my relative won't even try breastfeeding because her mum's already told her it's not easy (truth is, I suspect grandma wants her to bottle feed, so she can feed it herself....) Another one that will be potty trained at one and peeing the bed every night for the next decade or so.

And what I forgot to add for the OP is - there may be someone around you with a wealth of experience who'd love to give you the benefit of some of it, but is not going to say a word for fear of being seen as 'interfering'. I'm the only one in my family this generation who has had 5 kids, (and lost 3 more), but I seem to be regarded as the last person who has any knowledge of the subject - whilst the folk with one or two babies seem to be founts of all knowledge.

Try responding with

'What do you mean? I thought I'd be having a 2 hour labour, and baby would come preprogrammed to sleep from 7 pm to 7 am. You mean, that WON'T happen?!'

in the most sarcastic voice you can muster!

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here...

when I had DS1 I was one of THOSE new mums who thought I was the only person to have ever had a baby. Totally self absorbed and dismissive of 'advice' from women who had clearly got it totally wrong when they had babies sometimes 40 years ago!

But now, quite a few years down the line, I think I get it. This unsolicited advice comes from the feeling of bewildered cluelessness that we all go through in the early days. Although there are many unbelievably amazing aspects of new parenthood the bits we all remember are the bits that were the biggest shock to the system. Ie sleepless nights, relentless feeding, the crying, the feeling of being trapped etc etc. These are the aspects over which we have little control. My youngest recently asked me what his first word was. I cannot for the life of me remember but I am able to clearly recall the epic 24hour awake-athons he liked to indulge in and how wretched I felt.

People like to talk about their own experiences. Parents of older children have been there before and perhaps, like me, are still trying to work out what the bloody hell just happened years after the birth??!

There is no adjective that perfectly encapsulates how unbelievably epic, terrifying, wonderful, challenging and life changing having children is. So, maybe, just maybe, the best anyone can come up with is, "just wait till..."!

Anyhoo, just a thought...

Enjoy your beautiful babies.

Pimmms I wish I'd thought of that when pregnant... Very good come back! I am going to steal it however for the years to come and tweak depending on age

Good to have a rant op as it is indeed very annoying, good luck it will be great

What annoys me the most is how happy people look while they're telling me it's going to be "harder than you think". Are they happy about this apparently terrible experience or are they happy because they think they're one-uping me to prove me wrong somehow? MIL does this. She'll ask me and OH what we did on our day off, say for example we said cinema - "Oh well enjoy it while you can they'll be none of that when baby is here".

Currently my SIL is pregnant, and she has a 2yr old DD. If I even mention how tired I feel MIL will say "well at least you can rest, [SIL] can't even do that, you can't rest when you've got one already, you'll soon know." Oh, thanks, I'll STFU then. I know she's feeling rubbish but it's not a competition.