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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find some parents are very patronising to expectant parents?

142 replies

pinkladyapple · 24/05/2016 12:23

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. And myself and my OH have decided that it's probably best if we don't speak. If myself or my OH dare to say one of us feels tired, we get told "Oh if you feel tired now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we've had a busy week/no time for something - "Oh if you think you're busy now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we fancy going out for meal/shopping/cinema/frolic outside we get "Oh I hope you know you won't be able to do anything when baby comes!"

Or even if we don't say anything at all, actually "You're going to have a big shock when baby comes. You won't be able to carry on the same as you are now!" Accompanied by knowing looks and a laugh.

I just needed to rant. Please tell me there are others who have felt like this! I know they mean well and I know that nothing prepares you for your first child, but give me and my OH some credit. I don't mind people saying things in context, for example some good advice we had early on is to spend at much time as possible doing the things we love now (and not to feel guilty about the expense), and that I should take my maternity leave a week or two before due date so I can have some time to relax.

AIBU to find it patronising? Especially coming from the same people again and again? How am I meant to react?

OP posts:

BerylMeeps · 26/05/2016 12:40

My main issue at 30w is folks alternating btw saying how shit I look (I've been hospitalised for exhaustion recently) and that I ought to "go home and rest" (I have a 2.6yo, unlikely) I didn't wait long enough to become pregnant (2y10m when I'm due- really?!) and the clincher "this is going to be hard work/it's a big step up having 2/ wait till its born all your tiredness,joint probs, pain, sickness will be nothing compared"

Drives me batty. I just say to them, it's been hard enough being pregnant this time round, can you try talking again but be more positive? Ta!

BerylMeeps · 26/05/2016 12:40

2.8yo

Teanbikkies · 26/05/2016 12:57

NC's in case of outage!
This totally winds me up...when people say you just wait until..I answer I can't wait, I'm so excited!

DC1 will be is bilingual - we have 1 friend who delights in telling us bilingual kids are usually aggressive.

She's not exactly a cunning linguist herself...

Buckinbronco · 26/05/2016 14:10

Of course I read your post. I just don't agree with it.

If a friend was pregnant of course I wouldn't say congratulations and nothing else for 9 months. That's a bit shit

KayTee87 · 26/05/2016 15:25

Bilingual children are aggressive?? I've never heard that one better watch out for my (lovely) 18mo nephew then. Saying that he did hit me when he was 10mo and bit my toes once when he was 14mo then ran away laughing. Sinister behaviour

Janecc · 26/05/2016 16:48

Ha ha ha Tean. Tell your friend not to go countries with different official languages like Belgium or Switzerland or Scandinavian countries, Holland etc, which have big English language programmes. Better still, tell her to avoid a lot of African countries because she'll be beaten up there by hordes of bilingual or trilingual children.

Cath40t · 26/05/2016 19:18

It doesn't end. Most infuriating one for me was "little kids, little problems"
Still annoys my now and my kids are young adults. I was speaking to a mum about some issue I was having with my 5 and 3 year old st the time.
Same with "oh wait till they're teenagers"........mine were/are quite lovely teenagers....had their moments/problems but they weren't monsters.
Politely ignore their input if it's unhelpful. They maybe don't mean to be patronising.

euromorris · 26/05/2016 19:19

Eugh. I'm repeatedly told by a male colleague that, at 37 weeks pregnant, I am not tired as nothing will compare to how tired I will be once baby is here. It'll wake me up repeatedly during the night apparently. I had no idea rolls eyes. It's not like I haven't been getting up 5 times a night for the last month anyway (to pee) and can't get more than 5 hours total a night due to said peeing, braxton hicks, terrible heartburn and simply not being able to get comfortable. And you know, being uncomfy all day, every day.

I think I could probably take it better if it came from a mum. You know, someone who's experienced how knackering being pregnant can be.

Also, it's not a competition! It is possible for me to be tired now, as well as then! Even if I do end up more tired then, it doesn't invalidate my feelings of tiredness/exhaustion now! Jeez!

and breathe

Khewitt29 · 26/05/2016 19:20

It's right up there with "are they sleeping through the night yet?" or "when are you going to give them some baby rice?"
It's futile arguing or getting angry - just make a game of it or swiftly change the subject. The only saving grace is that every mum I've met is getting the exact same thing so it's a good laughing point if nothing else. Good luck and don't let anyone put a dampener on your fun. It's never as bad as they say xx

NewLife4Me · 26/05/2016 19:32

Well meaning comments are part of being a parent - wait till the baby comes

ErgonomicallyUnsound · 26/05/2016 19:37

It used to give me The Rage when the DC were little. I quite like it now they are 9 (primary school) & 12 (secondary school). Can get some useful tips.

Except when people try to tell me about what the 9 yo will be like in a couple of years time, not knowing I've got a 12 yo. That's priceless.

littlemonkey5 · 26/05/2016 19:46

I get comments like 'you'll have your hands full' then I tell them that DS (5wks) is actually my 5th.... they then change to say 'no, not possible, you don't look like you have 5!!!' how am I meant to look? Am I meant to be crawling around on the floor? Am I meant to be covered in warts? Have no dress sense?

The mind boggles......

I don't bother telling them about my spinal injury - it's not worth the hassle!

bestimeever · 26/05/2016 19:48

I feel your pain OP and remember this and it was ten years ago when first pregnant. Really annoyed me too. I had a great pregnancy but was really tired and was scared to mention for the reasons you say :-). I actually mentioned how annoying it was to my Obstetrician and I jokingly said 'I'm having a baby not going to prison for 18 years!'... His reply 'Prison would be easier - you'd get a good night's sleep!'. Just for the record he was wrong. First DC1 was one of those dream babies and I only remember a handful of bad nights......just don't get me started on DC2. Enjoy your pregnancy....it's a special time...

mrsc118 · 26/05/2016 19:58

There's a whole lot of that unwanted advice when your pregnant. All I'll say its nothing prepared me for this the highs and lows and crap inbetween

EsmesBees · 26/05/2016 20:04

I hate this. I always make a point of saying to expectant parents that it's not at bad as other merchants of doom say. It may take a little while, but you will sleep again, drink a hot cup of tea and find time for a bath. I always tell them my positive birth story too. I always hated the unsolicited 'and it was never the same again' tales.

squizita · 26/05/2016 20:10

I got told over and over by the same people I would never wear make up again after having kids and would be "fat" and wear ugly clothes. Again and again.

It was bollocks. Also my pregnancy was harder than having a baby as I had a serious health condition which can cause late loss and stillbirth so every day was living in fear.

I never comment personally.

Moomichi · 26/05/2016 20:28

It is patronising and it isn't always helpful but I think it's something that just happens when you are pregnant.
You either have to ignore it or come up with a pithy response! For example when I announced my pregnancy with my third baby I was asked repeatedly if it was an accident. After the umpteenth time I replied 'oh no, we've been at it like rabbits for months' SILENCE......

ninjapixy · 26/05/2016 21:40

I always hated the 'wait until...' advice and I guess I always will, but nothing annoyed me more than the MIL constantly asking whether or not the baby had arrived in the last few weeks. Ugh. Anyway, it's a thing that happens and it's super annoying, even if it might be true. You have to pick your battles though and snapping at strangers probably isn't a good use of your energy. I've already forgotten if you said you're ILs were doing it too (attention span of a gnat) but if they are it might be worthwhile asking your partner to have a word. You're already dealing with being pregnant, if you can reduce some of the little things that irritate you it can feel ten times better.

With my second pregnancy I ended up emailing both sets of parents and along them to just not ask about whether the baby was coming soon or not because he was late and I was stressing about a home birth not happening. They were both surprisingly okay with it and really supportive.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and your life with new baby.

(And by the way I found the last few weeks of pregnancy worse for getting ready than after the baby had arrived. I couldn't get comfortable probably for months and then once the baby is here there's suddenly so much more freedom of movement and it feels wonderful even if you're in some kind of fugue state from having to wake up every however often your baby gets you up.)

beenaroundawhile · 26/05/2016 21:44

euromorris if you read your post back in a few months time you will hopefully be able to see the funny side of it.

On a less funny note though, I think it's wrong to dismiss the experience of fathers just because they haven't been pregnant or BF themselves. Fact is they're parents and they do know about parenting, even if it's just through having to support the mothers through the difficult times. They certainly know more about parenting than a first time mother to be. Doesn't make it ok for them to overshare (since that's the topic of this thread) but don't overlook their insight when you don't know more about how their children have shaped their lives.

JassyRadlett · 26/05/2016 22:10

Drives me batty. I just say to them, it's been hard enough being pregnant this time round, can you try talking again but be more positive? Ta!

DS2 is now 7 months old. From the day after he was born I have been better rested and better fed than when I was pregnant, in less pain, less discomfort and less grumpy. And two kids is so far a total joy.

Hope that helps to offset the doomsayers!

Purple52 · 26/05/2016 23:52

The best advice I was given, and the only advice I ever share is "you'll be given LOTS of advice, decide for yourself what works for you and do that".

Good luck! It's a life changer. But I wouldn't swop it!

Nikkikaren13 · 27/05/2016 05:49

Honestly I find it more annoying now my lg is 12 weeks old. I was expecting this onslaught of noise, lack of sleep, never being able to get dressed, dirty house etc but it was like that for maybe 3 days. And that was mostly because I just wanted to sit and watch my new baby! The worst is NOTHING prepares u for a new baby. Well, set an alarm every 2 hours in the night and there's your prep. Newborns sleep pretty much all the time so there is PLENTY of time to get stuff done. And after the first 6 weeks, u can express breast milk for a babysitter if u want to pop out for a couple hours. It's not as bad as people make out, honestly...

Nikkikaren13 · 27/05/2016 05:53

Also, one that annoys me is 'Is she good?' Well, she hadn't planned mass genocide, no. What on Earth is classed as good?? Babies don't know how to be good or bad, they just 'be'!

GingerDoodle · 27/05/2016 06:00

It's rubbish general shite anyway. Yes I was tired but DD was an easy baby. I mixed fed, co slept and actually enjoyed it. I commuted 6 hours a day with a Pram and then the sling, she didn't stop me doing anything I wanted (I threw dh a birthday party when she was barely 4 weeks). 18 - 24 months was really hard for us - I should have accepted more help but mini refused to sleep and I felt I had to crack it!

sunnyoutside · 27/05/2016 06:09

I slept far better once dcs were born.

The only thing I ever say that you can't prepare for is the sheer deep love you will feel. It might happen as soon as they were born, or it might take a few weeks, months or even a couple of years. It might be like a sudden rush or it might creep up on you gradually. But when you look at your dc and feel this big ball of love really really deep inside you. No. Nothing can prepare you for that. It is making me feel a bit tearful thinking about it. Then inbetween life going on with a baby, toddler, teen and so on, it can hit you all over again. I had it with ds last night. He is in the middle of his gcses. I went up to his room to give him refreshments whilst he revised.Seeing him sat at his desk, I don't know what it was, but it brought a tear to my eye. I said "I bloody love you you know." He replied "likewise"

Enjoy it OP

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