To find some parents are very patronising to expectant parents?

[pinkladyapple]

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. And myself and my OH have decided that it's probably best if we don't speak. If myself or my OH dare to say one of us feels tired, we get told "Oh if you feel tired now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we've had a busy week/no time for something - "Oh if you think you're busy now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we fancy going out for meal/shopping/cinema/frolic outside we get "Oh I hope you know you won't be able to do anything when baby comes!"

Or even if we don't say anything at all, actually "You're going to have a big shock when baby comes. You won't be able to carry on the same as you are now!" Accompanied by knowing looks and a laugh.

I just needed to rant. Please tell me there are others who have felt like this! I know they mean well and I know that nothing prepares you for your first child, but give me and my OH some credit. I don't mind people saying things in context, for example some good advice we had early on is to spend at much time as possible doing the things we love now (and not to feel guilty about the expense), and that I should take my maternity leave a week or two before due date so I can have some time to relax.

AIBU to find it patronising? Especially coming from the same people again and again? How am I meant to react?

Yep. Some people can be lovely, but I think people sometimes forget that you are allowed to be excited, nervous, or a mixture of both.

I've been on MN for ages, and one of the nastiest experiences I've had was someone responding to a thread of mine, where I'd talked about my mum and MIL reacting to the possibility DP and I might have a baby. Apparently - although I did end up pointing out I'd had multiple miscarriages and so might be slightly overthinking - it just wasn't 'funny' enough. Cos obviously, being 'funny' is ok. Otherwise, you should shut up and know your place. That really stung.

After that someone suggested to me that I respond to all of these comments with a completely unimpressed face and 'when you were pregnant, did you appreciate people saying that?' I bet half of them will remember how shitty it is!

likeaboss - I love that phrase - "competitive misery" because it's so accurate! One of my ILs is exactly like that. If anything bad happens - "it always happens to our family, you'll soon notice that". If I complain about a pregnancy symptom "our so-and-so had it really bad" or "well this is the easy bit". One of the worst offenders for the "oh just wait..." comments too. And the weird bit is they seem kind of happy about it.

Worse comment I ever had said to me: "Are you looking forward to the baby arriving", as I sat there breast feeding my (roughly) 3 month old! Okay I hadn't lost much baby fat, but it still upsets me 13 years later.

(And I know she'd just got confused between me an "Mary" who went to the same church and looked similar and hadn't had her baby yet...but my baby was right there...)

My first baby is due in June. A couple of weeks ago I idly said to a colleague that I hope we get some nice weather this summer. She laughed and said "well you won't be seeing any if we do!"

I thought, really? I don't want to be one of those people who thinks I can just carry on as normal and it will be as if I haven't even had a baby, but do I genuinely have to set my expectations so low that I can't even hope to get out of the house with it a few times in first 10 weeks?! Will I be forcibly removed to a cave system?

I've found it trailed off as they grew into children.

I suppose it helps they generally doing well and are usually well behaved. It hard to argue our parenting is fucking them up I guess.

So family have seriously pulled back on all the unasked for advice. I think friend's wise you pull away as it get fucking annoying.

I do remember a friend - been a full time nanny for over a decade, then going into nursery job - before they change her mind about kids and had one. People said this to her a lot- as if she hadn't spend her whole working life round children .

pinkladyapple - first pg bump I didn't look pg size 14/16 very wide hips and massive boobs - baby was up under my rib cage was 9 lb 2 when she came - everyone was surprised by that. Very quick straight forward birth though.

Though the bump usually measured right when I laid down - but only if my regular MW did it - if it didn't the next week it did so didn't have extra scans in the end.

I'm kinda feeling that way too at the moment. I'm only 4 months so I've got more to come

What I find oh so amusing is the comments that refer to actual childrearing duties, such as BLW, bottle prep, changing nappies, tantrums, etc. I've been a nanny for 6/7 years, I am very well experienced in dealing with tantrums and poosplosions and weaning! The comments are usually made by people who have known me for years or by people who chat to me on the school run, when I am with my youngest charge -_- nobody really spoke to me on the school run before they found out I was pregnant!

It really is competitive misery. They love to tell you how horrible it will be!

Corey86 has it right: "nobody can tell you how you're going to feel". So they can fuck off telling you what it will/won't be like and what you will/won't have to do to deal with it.

It pissed me right off when I was pregnant with my first. At least it was only from the one friend, though. Although when her DC was beng particularly obnoxious/messy, she'd smile and say "you've got all this to come", so it didn't even get better after DD1 was born.

YouAndMe - you might see the summer, you might not. DD1 was born in early July two years ago, and although I got out and about in the early weeks I remember one day feeling "right, I'm ready, let's enjoy the sunshine", then realising the leaves were falling off the trees because it was October already. You might resurface from the baby haze more quickly than me though! DD2 was born in March, so with any luck I'll notice this summer

littleGreenDragon - at 29 weeks they said I was measuring too small so sent me for a growth scan. Baby was actually measuring on the highest percentile and was already estimated to be above average weight!

I did think it was because of my body shape and size - like I said, size 16 and I do have big hips and boobs. But I know someone who is a size 6 (even after her baby, she's done great i hate her) and she told me she had the same problem - kept measuring small, kept going for growth scans. And her baby was 7.5 lb!

Sorry, Caper86

I'm only 24 weeks and if anyone else tells me that I'll never sleep again I'll cry! I know it's going to be difficult, I know I really struggle with lack of sleep - it's going to be awful and I'm scared of it but frankly the baby is viable now and there's no avoiding that (all being well) this is going to happen, so stop stressing me out!!

YANBU, I'm 32 weeks tomorrow and find all this so annoying!!

Up until recently, if I mentioned any symptom (I'm tired, I can't walk as fast, my ankles are swollen, etc) it'd be "well you're not even that far along! You shouldn't be complaining yet, it'll only get worse!" now I'm this far along it's "well you are quite far along, what do you expect!"

Yes, pregnancy isn't an illness, but it is a condition that comes with different symptoms and does often make life a bit harder. I don't want to be treated like a precious princess, but it would be nice every so often just to hear "oh that sucks" or "yes, it can be difficult"

As a few other posters have said though, it does carry on - and not just with your first child!

It's the same with a lot of things, isn't it? You don't honestly know until it happens to you. As a Mum to two young toddlers, I get frustrated with mums of just one who go on about being tired/it's hard work etc etc..and want to scream NO IT ISN'T, ONE IS A WALK IN THE PARK!

Obviously, I don't But they don't know any different. To them, one baby, one toddler is hard graft. To me, just one is a day off! Doesn't mean that it feels like that to them though, does it?

You are tired now. The type of tired you may experience when the baby is here will be probably be on a whole different level. But right now, you're tired. You're allowed to feel tired! Same with feeling busy/overwhelmed/not enough time to do stuff.

I'm currently getting from people, oh you want til they both start school!

Yanbu. But loads of people are like this.

My dbro used to love to tell me 'when I am a parent the child will fit in around us. We won't stop going out' and 'my child won't ever do that'

Now he says 'god I was a much better parent before I had kids' he realised he was being a dick saying these things.

Some people talk shit.

Shelby - I've had spd this pregnancy and I'll complain about my hips and be told "well you are pregnant what do you expect". Well yes I know but a little bit of acknowledgement wouldn't hurt! I may have technically done this to myself but doesn't mean I shouldn't have sympathy. Some women get through it easy and some don't. Its just bad luck.

Wait until he crawls, wait until he walks, wait until he talks, wait until he sleeps in his own bed, wait until he's 17 and learning to drive etc etc.

My friends response when people said this kind of thing was to beam and say 'I know, I can't wait!'

It really threw people off

HCP- highly challenging person suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or borderline personality disorder.

FWIW- for what it's worth.

Oh ignore my last post - I misread the post on the hcp. I see you had an answer I missed that when I scrolled down.

Yep, never ends. Once baby is born they will say "just you wait until, crawling, weaning," etc then it's "babies are easy, wait until they can walk" followed by more stories of how easy you have it and how you can't imagine what's to come. It seems to carry on forever. Wait until school, then wait until you have a teenager!
I've got 3 Dc now and just smile and nod at the experts. Can I also add I have never slept in the last trimester and slept way better after they were born. I was also able to still enjoy eating out, going for walks etc once my babies were born. Enjoy your last few weeks!

Mother did this crap to me when I was pregnant. If I said my back hurt, she would start talking about her back. If I said I was feeling extremely tired, she'd talk about how tired she was. She was exhausting! And at 7 months pregnant she wanted to talk to me every day. I put a stop to that - woah just so she could talk about her pregnancies. No thank you! And she wasn't allowed anywhere near me for the birth. Can you imagine the commentary?!!!

In the end I was on crutches and constant pain meds throughout the last 2 months and a long time post birth so it wasn't the twinges she was talking about. With her still banging on about her back pain and twinges for years. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (ME) btw so it was fucking awful pain and fatigue. She doesn't talk about dds stages anymore (she's 7) because we have very limited contact. But I'm in a bad patch at the moment and am resting constantly and absolutely exhausted, have stopped cooking (apart from brown food) am struggling to do the washing let alone ironing - sahm don't work, can't work. Mother said "oh yes, I know how you feel, I'm exhausted too, I did 4 hours of gardening this morning." I've just realised she didn't say it made her back hurt.

Some people are completely self absorbed. And yes, op wait until you have the baby, it will change everything: you will have a beautiful child to love and cherish and learn from.

You may as well get used to it now. Mine are in their twenties and I still get unsolicited parenting advice from my MIL.

A plus size on being a size 16-18 who carries their bump well... I was back into normal jeans within a couple of days. Cue 'oh don't you look well they mean fat, but I don't care'.

Have a 7 week old and currently going through non sleeping woe. I am well aware that when he is a teenager, he will sleep all the time, but I'm tired now dammit!

Oh OP I feel for you, I really do. My DC1 is 3 now and luckily I didn't get many people offering 'helpful' comments. The one that did get to me though was when I was very heavily pregnant - all the 'get as much sleep now as you can, because you won't be sleeping once baby's here!'
I just told them how hard it is to sleep when you have to wake up just to change position slightly because your bump is so huge, and making your bladder so small that you have to pee 3x per night.
Seriously, once DC was here, those 3 hours of consecutive, comfortable sleep were far better than a whole night in bed whilst heavily pregnant. I felt smug about that!!!

"it doesn't get any easier" when I'd been weeks without an hours straight sleep due to massively refluxy baby and was completely losing my mind. They were wrong, it got so much better, she's 5 now :)