To find some parents are very patronising to expectant parents?

[pinkladyapple]

I am currently 31 weeks pregnant. And myself and my OH have decided that it's probably best if we don't speak. If myself or my OH dare to say one of us feels tired, we get told "Oh if you feel tired now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we've had a busy week/no time for something - "Oh if you think you're busy now, wait until baby comes!"

If one of us says we fancy going out for meal/shopping/cinema/frolic outside we get "Oh I hope you know you won't be able to do anything when baby comes!"

Or even if we don't say anything at all, actually "You're going to have a big shock when baby comes. You won't be able to carry on the same as you are now!" Accompanied by knowing looks and a laugh.

I just needed to rant. Please tell me there are others who have felt like this! I know they mean well and I know that nothing prepares you for your first child, but give me and my OH some credit. I don't mind people saying things in context, for example some good advice we had early on is to spend at much time as possible doing the things we love now (and not to feel guilty about the expense), and that I should take my maternity leave a week or two before due date so I can have some time to relax.

AIBU to find it patronising? Especially coming from the same people again and again? How am I meant to react?

It doesn't stop once the baby is here. My lovely-in-all-other- respects best friend did this to me so constantly when I was pregnant with my first that I started to avoid her. Once I had a baby she gave me bucket loads of unsolicited advice, much of which just didn't tie in with our way of doing things. Her DC1 is only 8 months older than my DC1; we now have 3 children each (hers all being between 6 months and a year older than mine), and our eldest DCs are both 8. She is still giving me constant advice and suggesting that I don't know how hard it's about to become, as the real challenges are just around the corner (in light of her experience with her very slightly older children). Sigh. I avoid the topic of DCs whenever possible these days.

HeadsTails is your first child a girl and hers a boy?. If so you could do the girls are so much more mature and advanced than boys. Or perhaps is your first born particularly advanced or mature for their age? No I'm joking but really! How silly!

I'm expecting my second and keep getting the same from those friends who already have 2DC's...

'If you think it's bad now wait until you have two of them!'

I've recently taken to telling people to eff off. I've found it most effective

I was considering starting a similar thread to this. I am so nervous about becoming a parent and having a child, and so far, everyone keeps telling me how awful it's going to be and how we don't know what we have let ourselves in for.
It is making me wonder why anyone has children in the first place, and why they then choose to have a second if the first was such a disaster.

Just smile and say 'I'm sure we'll cope'. It ends the conversation.

I used to get all the 'just wait' but now when I hear someone else say it to an expectant parent / parent of young child I tend to chip in with a positive. For starters it IS easier when they crawl as they entertain themselves a bit more, and it IS better when they then walk as they are no longer headbutting drawers and sticking their fingers in sockets but are instead reaching up for knives and boiling cups of tea

It is exhausting and a big shock to the system in the early days and it's the emotional side that can zap you, but really, you'll cope. People seem to forget this is what humans do and have been doing since time began.

Pregnancy didn't like me, so I found that life was easier with a portable young baby in comparison. Toddlerhood got a bit more awkward again, but it's at a pace you can adjust to.

I suppose the most generically true thing is that the goalposts will change. For better or for worse, each phase will pass. Different phases will suit different people differently.

In pregnancy, the random moments that got me were the arguments with random strangers about how far into the pregnancy I was. A combination of huge bump and SPD meant people thought I was a lot further on than I was!

The "just you wait" one was over DS1 walking. He was a late walker because he could crawl like a rocket, cruise and climb- basically do anything he liked. There wasn't any incentive to him to slow down to do it on two feet!

I can't remember advice over DS2. I don't think he's let me stand still long enough to hear any

Honestly mrssnowface really don't worry, there are difficult bits, sure, and sometimes they will drive you to distraction, but no one goes on and on about the great bits. My 2 are seriously the very best bit of my life. Obviously when they are fighting I would gladly swap them for a wet afternoon in Bognor, but still. (apologies to anyone who lives in Bognor..)

I had this constantly when I was pregnant and it really annoyed me and now I have to stop myself saying it to expectant parents....however, now I'm getting the 'wait until you have two' comments so I don't think it ever ends.

I posted a very similar thread to this when I was pregnant with twins. It was the negativity that got me down. The foreboding tone coupled with some grave warning about the future: so many sleepless nights, enjoy going out now because you won't be doing that once the babies arrive, you won't be able to afford any of those fancy gadgets you like, etc. It's frustrating because the fact that babies change your life, deprive you of sleep, cost money, etc. isn't exactly a surprise. But how does it help to be so negative about it?

In the end, those sorts of warnings did me a real disservice. A lot of them came from my MIL, and they made me determined not to ever admit that I was struggling. I wanted to prove that all her negativity was wrong. It meant that, in those early weeks, I didn't have any support because I couldn't bring myself to ask for it.

I get angry, though, because even now people say such awful things. I get a lot of comments of 'double trouble', or 'better you than me'. The worst was the stranger who called my husband and me masochists when we said we were enjoying raising our twins. Some thoughts are just better left unsaid. I just ignore as much as possible because actually, I have two gorgeous, lovely babies and I don't think things are even a bit as bad as everyone said they would be.

This never bothered me. Everyone thinking they had a right to touch me did though. Its like as soon as you get your bump you are everyones property and they just have to stroke your belly (or in one case...my boobs!) everytime they see you. Even if you pretty much scream at them for it they do it again and again :(

For some reason, unknown to me, pregnancy and the first two years of a child's life seem to make lots of people competitive. People whom would otherwise be very reasonable want to stealth boast on how amazing their bump is or was and what a genius their baby is or was...she does ballet inside when I shine a light at bump...she can burp in tune to a Cbeebies tune. They also give advice as they're of course the extremely competent parent of said burping ballerina and need to help ensure that your child is likewise a genius. Smile then look bored, yawn, notice a fly, wander off and live your life

Congrats to all the pregnant pps.

Mine is now a long streak of 15.

Am I weird? I enjoy discussing positives more. But I do need to remind myself sometimes not to make comments to strangers (even if they're positive).

Would any of you be offended/weirder out/thrown if someone did this?

I lost 3 before dd. I fell pregnant the first time at 18 so even though I was not a young mum myself I know I could have been. I also think unless you stayed a virgin till you were 25/married/whatever yourself you've no right to comment as it could've been you. If I see young pregnant girls/young mum's I might ask what I hope are friendly positive questions and congratulate them (I was once told off for this during my HCP training 'don't do that being pregnant at 16 is not to be congratulated!' ) my view is they'll be getting enough shite off probably everyone else in their lives they don't need it off me too! Note - this is people who have already decided they are keeping their babies I wouldn't do this with anyone who isn't sure as they don't need the pressure.

I was pregnant with twins the 2nd time, lots of twins in the family too. So I had some hurtful comments after the mc along the lines of 'well twins would've been a lot of work'

Dd was a difficult pregnancy medically, plus worrying (almost lost her a few times) then a long difficult labour and birth culminating in a c-section. Even shortly after I was happily telling other pregnant mum's of the things I'd enjoyed (feeling and seeing her move eg) and that while tiring the labour wasn't that bad pain wise (everyone is different one friend has 4 dc she basically pops them out and just carries on! So no labour and birth isn't awful for everyone ). I bf for 8 months so I'll chat about my experience of that, advise IF ASKED or answer questions like 'does it hurt' but I also bottle fed from 8 mth (my milk dried due to a medical condition) and so happy to talk about that too, although I confess I'm less positive about ff simply as I found it a pita!

As for child development well I was also a child carer before dd so had some idea what to expect but of course not everything. But that's part of the joy of parenting, the surprises, developing as a parent, laughing at the daft things you do when sleep deprived...

The one negative thing I would like to say is I have found it hurtful when people have said its easier having just the one.

For one thing I couldn't have any more, I would've loved to but it wasn't possible.

For another there are challenges to parenting an only child that people with more than one don't face especially as they get older. Yes I know more than one is more physical work etc but I do wish people would realise different doesn't necessarily mean easier.

Good luck with pregnancies, sleepless nights etc

I'm going against the grain here. The people who say "you don't know how hard it going to be, you don't know what tires means, it's so much more difficult..." etc, are all right.

And they learned it the hard way.

I found I was far too absorbed in myself when I thought the way that you did in my pregnancies to realise that a lot of people have been through some of their toughest times as individuals, with their health (emotional and physical), and in their relationships.

So instead of expecting everyone to be kind to new parents by keeping their opinions to themselves and calling them patronising, for the simple reason that they actually do know better, why aren't we all being kinder to orher parents and asking them how they really find things? How are they coping, do they feel they have much support, how would they suggest you could make things easier for yourself when your own baby arrives? You'll find a lot of people have been very humbled by their experience and what they're really saying is "when I was in your shoes, I didn't have a clue but I wish I had listened better".

I also give it a year before you're saying exactly the same thing to the next pregnant person you meet.

Baconyum, sorry for your losses.

Thanks beenaround.

Yea I think op knows its people thinking 'i had no bloody clue'.

As I said I was a child carer before I had dd for some years, I didn't think I knew it all but I wasn't prepared for how hormones/lack of sleep/loving your child so much would affect things. Like how horrible it feels to say no 'for their own good' and see their disappointment. Seeing their heartbreak when they fall out with friends, hell just not being able to take away the pain of a grazed knee!

The guilt when you cock up! (Because you will cock up everyone does)

It's patronising and UNTRUE

It's not necessarily untrue actually but there's no need to say it, that's the point I think. The OP may well get an angelic baby who sleeps and never cries, or she may get a colicky one who only sleeps in a sling, or she may get one in between the two extremes. The point is you don't choose what baby experience you get, much like you don't choose what birth experience you get, and it's not nice to freak people out about these things. Just nod and smile and say congrats!!

Thing is it's not just about the baby its about the parents. People can cope with different things and maybe the OP can cope with more than the people telling you how hard and awful it is- maybe they cant cope with much?

I always make an effort to tell expectant parents how amazing and wonderful the early days are because all I got was doom and gloom when actually it was a beautiful time.

Yes I have some really lovely memories of just sitting peacefully on the sofa feeding, cuddling and talking to DS1 in the early afternoon while on Mat leave, and some similar ones with DS2 with all 3 of us cuddling and watching CBeebies for half an hour while DS2 was feeding

I'm expecting ds2 and continually get just wait until you have two you wont know what hit you.

You can probably imagine! A lot will depend on the age gap and how DC1 responds though, so who knows. Hope it all goes well

The thing is, buckin - telling everyone how amazing and wonderful the early days are can make some of us feel like shit for not finding them amazing and wonderful. Because they aren't all amazing and wonderful.

I personally don't say anything either overtly negative or positive to friends who are expecting. Merely "congratulations - what lovely news".

Oh you can't help it! When the twins were babies, and again when Dex was a baby, I was full of brilliant advice. And I remember none of it now. The twins are 8 now and I have no advice about that, I don't know what I'm doing these days.

You can't spend your life tip toeing around so people don't feel shit though can you?

What about all the expectant parents feeling shit because they've been led to believe having a baby is a terrible nightmare they will never recover from, don't they deserve some thought too?

Yes they do, did you not read my post?

My point was don't go OTT positive or negative. No need for either.