I'm subsidising DD's friend's lunches.

[VioletBam]

Not daily but 3 days a week.

DD is 8 and attends a small private school (we're not in UK). She has in the past come back from school and said "I shared my cake with X because she was still hungry"

It's not always cake either but sandwiches etc.

Her friend is thin as a rail but seems healthy and happy. On questioning DD I realised that her little friend spends the night at her Dad's on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, she's not getting enough in her packed lunch on Wed, Thurs and Fri.

Her Dad is friendly and pleasant but lives in quite reduced circumstances (In an old bus basically)

He is allowed to live where he lives...it's on land he rents...he isn't well off obviously but I don't think he's deliberately neglecting his DD...he loves her and she him. He's a hippy type and thin himself.

The friend's Mum is nice too but I don't know her well enough to say anything. I baulk at the idea of mentioning it to DDs teacher as he is friendly with both parents! It's a tiny community.

Should I say something or just carry on putting extra in DDs box?

I should also mention that DD's friend's Mother feeds her well and DD has been there to play and always has a lovely time. They are nice people.

I asked DD what a typical lunch was for her mate and it seems to be things like "An apple and some bread" or once "Some nuts"

I know I've already comented, but seriously, if somebody thought something like this was happening with your LO (maybe they'd think the clothes weren't warm enough or have concerns about lunch etc...) would you want them to speak to the school or have a word with you...?

Have a word with the dad, if this doesn't help have a word with her mum. The school should be a last rasort...

Op, does school actually police lunches that children bring in? As in is it something they'll get involved in? If so then telling school would be best. It all depends where abroad you're located.
I grew up abroad and went to school abroad. Their school system is vastly different from British. The teachers or any other staff would never dream of getting involved in such issues.

Think that kind of quiet word round my way would land you with a black eye or some smashed windows! Unfortunately some places there is a culture of poverty that is as much about opportunity and aspiration as it is about money (sorry op if that's totally irrelevant to where you are). But either way think that approaching the parent could cause more problems than it solves (unless the split isn't amicable, then you might be able to complain about dad to mum iyswim).

And btw, I only suggested talking to the parents because it doesn't seem like the OP is suspecting the girl is neglected/abused.

If she thinks the father might neglect or abuse the girl then I agree, speaking to the school would be the best.

Kudos to the little girl sharing her lunch, the world needs more kind people.

Lots of posters have picked up on the point that the lunch deficit seems to happen on the days the father is providing the lunch. It may just have been a typo, but infact, OP wrote:

spends the night at her Dad's on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, she's not getting enough in her packed lunch on Wed, Thurs and Fri.

Father would be making lunch on Tuesday for Wednesday, Wednesday for Thursday, mother making lunch on Thursday for Friday. The plot thickens... I hope that OP can confirm which days, is the father in charge on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, or the lunch missing just on Wednesday and Thursday? Enquiring minds would like to know, before coming to an conclusion.

"what if the child is eating part of her lunch on the way? Or if DD is just not noticing what the child actually has available in her bag?"

It's worth considering. We're not in the UK either, and kids here have to take a snack to eat as a second breakfast at 10.30am. We were packing a nice healthy snack for DD2 every day - carrot sticks and a dip, or a small sandwich, and every day the box came back empty. Then one day the teacher had a serious word with us in his 'warning neglectful parents' tone about the fact that we weren't giving DD2 her snack. Turns out that the teacher was letting kids without a snack CHOOSE another child in the class whose snack they shared - so of course DD2 was throwing away her own snack and sharing with someone who had Nutella sarnies etc. And one day he asked how many kids weren't even getting their first breakfast at home - 17 of them raised their hands in a 'poor me' manner. We parents were VERY surprised to hear this, as we knew they were eating at home. So, of course, some kids genuinely aren't being fed properly, but you can't assume that's the case always. Sometimes they're just trying it on.

"I regularly hand out extras to ds's friends whose parents don't/can't/won't." Yup, this was exactly what DD2 was relying on, except that she shared from other pupils rather than getting extras from parents.

Oh, and about the private school fees - not all countries have private schools with flat fees as expensive as the UK. DD2 now goes to a private school and all fees are heavily adjusted according to income, so the poorest families would be paying a fairly symbolic amount. We couldn't afford a private school otherwise.

Well your dd needs lots of praise for being so kind!!

There are all sorts of reasons mentioned that could be the case here is mine

It is completely possible that the father is giving her enough food but it is not what she wants. I am going to horrendously stereotype here but a hippy who lives on a bus may well be giving her 'healthy foods' and she may be preferring your daughters cake and sandwiches to mung bean patties.

She may be hiding her own food out of embarrassment or because she wants to eat other people's. You could mention to her father that she is eating some of your DD lunch and Is that OK with him? Doing it in a friendly humorous way may allow the conversation to move on so you can discover the truth.

I would also tell the school.
School staff are trained to handle such issues confidentially and sensitively as a 'safeguarding' issue. In the meantime I would also carry on popping a few extras for sharing in the lunchbox (why not) but this does not address the underlying problem

When my dd was in reception a parent who was a lunch time helper took me aside in the playground at pick up and told me very gently that I wasnt putting enough food in my daughter's lunch box. It was a little embarrassing because she was right and I felt bad for not realising myself. I didn't know this parent, except to exchange nods in the playground. However, she delivered the information with such tact and moved on so quickly the moment was fleeting. I was very grateful to her and it was never mentioned again.

If you don't feel you can mention it to the parent just put a little extra in your dd's box if you can afford to.

I'm actually quite shocked the school haven't already noticed the lack of contents in the poor child's lunchbox! What do their lunchtime supervisors do!

I would mention it to the school, if you think they can handle it sensitively.

FWIW, at DD2's school, they're not allowed to share, in case someone gets something they're allergic to, not allowed to eat for religious reasons etc. Of course they still do though - it's a human instinct to share food to show you're friendly, I think!

Your DD sounds a poppet.

I'd raise it with the school, making the point that it's after nights with dad. They're best placed to assess what's going wrong and can remove the risk of hearsay/embellishment/misunderstanding.

Maybe Dad just doesn't know what should go in a child's lunchbox. Perhaps school could send a note home with suggestion?

I think you have already seen the possible issue-the man might be struggling to afford lots of food.
If this is the case, what is the school going to achieve by telling him/the mum?
Possibly reduce his access, calling him neglectful?

I'd avoid such risks by adding a little extra sandwich/fruit and get the little girl to tell her dad that she's been needing to share her pals(your DD) lunch, hopefully the hint is enough.
So many of our children are 'neglected' by being over fed, not limiting sweet foods and drinks that lead to tooth decay, or left to any electronic device they prefer.
This mans circumstances sound tough. He's trying his best to parent his DD. her words would be kinder, and less harmful to their relationship.

Another point might be worth remembering, your DD may be selectively telling you things/innocently misleading her facts.
My children, as lovely as I know them to be, cannot be trusted with serious matters.
They are too small to reliably notice the details.
And they lie to look better themselves.
Just a thought...
Good luck.