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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm subsidising DD's friend's lunches.

114 replies

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 09:59

Not daily but 3 days a week.

DD is 8 and attends a small private school (we're not in UK). She has in the past come back from school and said "I shared my cake with X because she was still hungry"

It's not always cake either but sandwiches etc.

Her friend is thin as a rail but seems healthy and happy. On questioning DD I realised that her little friend spends the night at her Dad's on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, she's not getting enough in her packed lunch on Wed, Thurs and Fri.

Her Dad is friendly and pleasant but lives in quite reduced circumstances (In an old bus basically)

He is allowed to live where he lives...it's on land he rents...he isn't well off obviously but I don't think he's deliberately neglecting his DD...he loves her and she him. He's a hippy type and thin himself.

The friend's Mum is nice too but I don't know her well enough to say anything. I baulk at the idea of mentioning it to DDs teacher as he is friendly with both parents! It's a tiny community.

Should I say something or just carry on putting extra in DDs box?

I should also mention that DD's friend's Mother feeds her well and DD has been there to play and always has a lovely time. They are nice people.

I asked DD what a typical lunch was for her mate and it seems to be things like "An apple and some bread" or once "Some nuts"

OP posts:
ShtoppenDerFloppen · 24/05/2016 21:24

We had no school dinners where I grew up, you either briught a packed lunch or you went hungry.

We oftenn had no food in the house and it was an unusual week that I had something to bring on more than one or two days.

I had a friend who would always share (I didn't ask, she just noticed I would be reading or drawing or something while everyone else was eating).

Eventually, her grandmother started sending her to school with an extra lunch for me. If not for her kindness, I doubt I would have been able to achieve much at all; hunger is one of the greatest avoidable barriers to learning

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 21:30

no adults in this conversation know what "some nuts" translates as a this point, that's what the kid who wanted the OP's child's treats said!

Nuts are a great food source. They are. Nobody knows if it was 3 nuts, or nuts and things right now.

It could well be a delightful vegan spread including nuts and the kid wants some cake or a ham sandwich so says "I just have some nuts, I'm hungry"
My kids do that all the time for chocolate! They're always "hungry" in shops with chocolate. Offer the poor starving mites an apple or a sambo and suddenly not so hungry!

BeALert · 24/05/2016 22:17

VioletBam I've been in a very similar situation with DD1's friend. Not so much at school, because the friend got free school lunches, but at summer camp she'd have no food all day so I would make a second lunch for her and send it in with my daughter. It was only when she had been at her dad's house the night before - her mum fed her very well.

Also during the summer holidays the friend would be left at home for the day with no food :-(

BigChocFrenzy · 24/05/2016 22:50

"delightful vegan spread " Hmm
As a skinny, very fussy child, I would have starved if one parent had insisted on vegan food, or any other diet that banned what most of my friends ate.

Palpatine · 25/05/2016 18:24

I would mention it to the teacher and leave it up to them to deal with it. The kid may chuck half her lunch in the bin or whatever and just fancies OP's child's lunch instead. Plus at private schools here in the US they will top up a child's lunch with stuff from the snack supplies (fruit, veg, cheese, crackers etc.) if they feel the packed lunch is either not enough or doesn't comply with "healthy lunch guidelines". You then get charged for the supplementation on your monthly invoice.

NotAnotherHarlot · 25/05/2016 19:46

As lovely as it is when other people ensure neglected children are fed, I can't help but feel that reporting it to school is the correct choice. There could be other issues going on and covering it up is not going to get any other interventions for the child,

Louisee82 · 25/05/2016 19:56

Have a word with the parents. If things don't improve then speak to the school.

frog51 · 25/05/2016 20:03

Had the same with my DDs friend. We live on a tight budget but I always think kindness costs nothing. Just pop a bit extra in and your DD will learn a valuable lesson on friendship and helping others..

ForkingFoodie · 25/05/2016 20:25

Although it is lovely of your daughter to share her food, at school it is best to tell children that sharing is good and kind, but one thing they must not share at school is food that they have been sent with. We actively discourage children with sharing food where I work. There are children with dairy, nut, gluten, wheat, nightshade and all kinds of allergies in schools, and they could be very ill as a consequence of eating food with allergens in, and it would be awful to feel indirectly responsible for another child being made sick, or worse. This alone could maybe make it easier to bring it up with the teacher that you're concerned about children sharing food, perhaps? Good luck.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/05/2016 20:26

Definitely don't speak to the paremts! Stupid idea.

School first and last.

funkky · 25/05/2016 20:46

Don't speak to the parents because child might just fancy your dds food or if the dad can't afford more, speaking to him does nothing. Definitely speak to teacher to get an adult understanding of the situation and to deal with as appropriate.

IlPorcupinoNilSodomyEst · 25/05/2016 21:01

Please let the school know, it may be part of a pattern they are building up on the child. They will feed the child if necessary, and take further steps if necessary.

1horatio · 25/05/2016 21:04

I'd talk to her dad and/or her mum. The school is a last resort imo.

Buckinbronco · 26/05/2016 06:53

Screenshotting the OP has said a number of time the lunch was JUST NUTS. That's not lunch, let's not pretend it is.

foursillybeans · 26/05/2016 07:24

You are teaching your DD to share with others who don't have as much. You are helping the other child, showing the kindness and helping your own child to learn that. I would just carry on. The school have probably noticed anyway.

nonladyofleisure · 26/05/2016 07:50

This may be me being picky, but if it was the day's she was staying at her dads, the Friday her lunch should be fine? As if she stays with her dad Friday surely it would be Saturday would be the issue... Friday the lunch should be made by her mum? X

CodyKing · 26/05/2016 07:58

It COULD be embellishment and that's why I'm not sure about speaking up I suppose.

Then you say DD has said X

Why is school a last resort? We all have a duty to care for the children out our community - if this child is suffering and Mim isn't aware - then school could investigate and address the issue - this child maybe wondering why nobody's helping her in the future when someone knows!

School staff aren't judge and jury - they want the best for all kids in their care and can easily help this child with a few words

Birdsgottafly · 26/05/2016 07:59

""Why not just tell the dad?""
"I'd talk to her dad and/or her mum"

If you ever suspect (or know of) neglect or abuse, you don't speak to the perpetrators, especially in the case of Parent-to-Child neglect.

The child may then be fed what they would have had for breakfast/tea, at lunchtime and be emotionally blackmailed to keep quiet.

Neglect and abuse (which are interchangeable), doesn't just happen in WC homes.

No child in the UK should be experiencing regular hunger.

CodyKing · 26/05/2016 08:08

I did think maybe dads assumes the child has a free lunch at school - I know it's private - and the child grabs some bread or nuts?

Anyway School will and can ask questions and see if it improves

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 26/05/2016 08:46

Just tell the school your child is sharing their lunch on those particular days of the week. I don't understand any reluctance to do this.

eurochick · 26/05/2016 08:48

People might like to think of another term for sandwich than "sambo". Where I grew up, it was used as a derogatory way to refer to black people. I haven't seen it used anywhere in about 20 years and am cringing a bit as I am reading it on here.

greenclip · 26/05/2016 08:52

OP - it is very sweet of your DD to share. I can't imagine my DS sharing cake with anyone.

Floggingmolly · 26/05/2016 09:08

Sambo was always used as a diminutive for sandwich in Ireland. In England I think it's sarnie? It's not intended to be derogatory to black people, it's just a Dublin colloquialism.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 26/05/2016 09:16

Where I live the children fortunately get free school lunches; but are expected to provide a drink and snack for playtime. I regularly hand out extras to ds's friends whose parents don't/can't/won't. I've also given breakfast on occasion. I maybe should raise it with the school, but share the op's reluctance.. I'm also not sure what the school could or would do about it. Op your dd does sound lovely for sharing though, whatever you do next. x

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 26/05/2016 09:22

I didn't realise I was meant to send a snack in for ages Blush

Anyway, in your shoes I'd have a word with the dad. An apologetic "I could be getting the wrong end of the stick, but I think your dd might want a bit more to eat at lunchtime". That, or I'd mention it to the teacher.

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