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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm subsidising DD's friend's lunches.

114 replies

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 09:59

Not daily but 3 days a week.

DD is 8 and attends a small private school (we're not in UK). She has in the past come back from school and said "I shared my cake with X because she was still hungry"

It's not always cake either but sandwiches etc.

Her friend is thin as a rail but seems healthy and happy. On questioning DD I realised that her little friend spends the night at her Dad's on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, she's not getting enough in her packed lunch on Wed, Thurs and Fri.

Her Dad is friendly and pleasant but lives in quite reduced circumstances (In an old bus basically)

He is allowed to live where he lives...it's on land he rents...he isn't well off obviously but I don't think he's deliberately neglecting his DD...he loves her and she him. He's a hippy type and thin himself.

The friend's Mum is nice too but I don't know her well enough to say anything. I baulk at the idea of mentioning it to DDs teacher as he is friendly with both parents! It's a tiny community.

Should I say something or just carry on putting extra in DDs box?

I should also mention that DD's friend's Mother feeds her well and DD has been there to play and always has a lovely time. They are nice people.

I asked DD what a typical lunch was for her mate and it seems to be things like "An apple and some bread" or once "Some nuts"

OP posts:

BabyGanoush · 24/05/2016 12:20

tell the school, make sure you tell them you don't mind, and it's not a complaint, just that you are a bit worried for the girl.

Keep giving extra stuff until it's sorted

HumphreyCobblers · 24/05/2016 12:23

I would definitely mention it to the school as they can see what is in the lunch box and then take it further if necessary. If there is nothing amiss then no harm done.

I would think it very important to mention it actually, as seen above sometimes parents can be very abusing in relation to food provision. We do not know if this is the case or not, but it should be looked at imo.

TendonQueen · 24/05/2016 12:24

To hell with 'not your place to say anything'. There is a child here who is not getting fed properly, it seems. Checking on that and sorting it out should be top priority. That means telling the school. You sound very kind. Could you afford to pack a few reasonably healthy extra bits in the meantime, say carrot sticks or mini cheeses or other fruit and tell your D D those are for sharing with her friend?

HumphreyCobblers · 24/05/2016 12:30

I am not going to share the details on here, but one situation I have been witness of in primary school (am a teacher) would make me extra vigilant in these situations.

AdoraBell · 24/05/2016 12:34

I also think you should mention it to the school and put something extra in DD's lunch for sharing, if you can afford to keep doing it.

whois · 24/05/2016 12:36

not your place to say anything

That is a bed road to go down.

I am not for one second suggesting this child is being neglected or mistreated - this is probably just a miscommunication.

But if everyone thought things weren't their place, hungry children dirty children, bruised children, little signals get missed and the big picture of horrific abuse gets missed.

Original poster

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 13:09

Tendon that's basically what I do. I add extra items or cut bigger things into a few pieces so DD has the choice.

She wouldn't share if she didn't want to believe me...nor would she go without herself...she loves food too much!

I pack very good lunches to whoever intimated that nuts were a better lunch than cake! As if I give DD cake for lunch! on SOME days she might have a slice of home made brownie or a flapjack or maybe a blueberry muffin...other days not...then she will have three pieces of fruit, a sandwich or home made sushi roll, past or rice...she always has a little box of salad too...cucumbers, iceberg and carrots or peppers.

I will tell the teacher that DD seems to be sharing a lot and if possible, could he check that X is getting enough to eat.

OP posts:

Witchend · 24/05/2016 13:46

My pack lunch at that age was a drink and one digestive biscuit. That was all I wanted. If someone had offered me a bite of their cake I'd probably have accepted happily, but I hated eating in front of everyone.
Dm also had very rigid ideas as to packed lunch.. Brown bread with cheese or ham sandwich. Salad. One chocolate biscuit (penguin or club) and a piece of home made cake (which had crumbled all over everything making, to mw, the sandwich totally inedible.
I hankered after white bread sandwich wrapped in cling film and a shop bought cake.

The digestive biscuit was the compromise between what dm thought I would eat and what I could actually choke down. It got so I was in such a state over eating that I struggled to eat anything. I still can't touch brown bread, and the smell of a pack lunch box turns my stomach.

blinkowl · 24/05/2016 13:54

"I will tell the teacher that DD seems to be sharing a lot and if possible, could he check that X is getting enough to eat"

Do mention it's only on certain days of the week - or they may check on a day the mum packs the lunch and think "that looks fine, it must be a misunderstanding", and carry on without understanding what's really going on.

I think you do need to say it seems to you it's on the days the dad does the lunch. Or just list the days of the week if you don't want to name him.

Original poster

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 13:56

Witch this child is nothing like that. She's like a small, friendly dustbin. No anxiety or anything.

OP posts:

Cagliostro · 24/05/2016 14:29

Yes I would tell school and very good point made above that you should clarify that it's only on certain days. The school will take care of it then.

oldlaundbooth · 24/05/2016 17:57

'She's like a small, friendly dustbin.'

ethelb · 24/05/2016 18:15

OP you don't need to defend the fact you give your children sandwiches sometimes or all the time.

Screenshottingisntjournalism your suggestion that giving sandwiches for lunch is for the 'lazy' or 'short of time' is pathetic. Put your claws away.

Myusernameismyusername · 24/05/2016 18:27

I discovered that DD's dad doesn't realise what portions they need to actually eat and he always accidentally not on purpose under feeds them things like lunches. I did mention to him but he didn't take the criticism very well, so now have told my DD's they must tell him they are hungry. They don't like feeling like they are 'greedy' but it's just sometimes people need a point in the right direction. One half of a sandwich won't keep them going long.
It's not enough food so you should probably say something, my DD regularly tells me that her friend never seems to have enough food in her lunchbox but then this is often because it seems my DD's food is way more exciting than what mum gave you

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 18:46

ethelb I explained why we don't always have sandwiches in response to the OPs comments about nuts and bread not being a good lunch

Nuts are a great lunch, we don't send nuts to school because there are children at the school with allergies but in the holidays we try to eat more nuts all round.

The OP has decided that the child is being insufficiently fed, IMO all the OP know's for sure is that her child is giving her lunch away. It should be down to the school to find out why, not the OP. There is no need whatsoever to put the OPs spin on it to the school, it's enough to just say that the child is eating her child's lunch on whatever days it is.. if the child is being underfed the school will then discover this if it is the case as part of stopping the OPs dd from giving away her lunch, but it might not be so there is no need to go in there with accusations

halighhalighaliehaligh · 24/05/2016 19:07

I seriously doubt the friend is taking in a lunch of just some nuts or bread and a piece of fruit. Any school I have worked in would be on to that straight away and would be subsidising from the canteen and speaking to the parent. It sounds like your dd has quite a lot in her lunch op. Could it just be that the other child doesn't get treats in her lunch so wants to share your dd's? I don't put things like cake in my dd's lunch box and tbh I wouldn't really want other children to be sharing unhealthy things when I've taken a decision not to put them in. I would mention something to the school just to be on the safe side but I think it's more likely that your dd is exaggerating how little her friend has. I would hope any school would step in if a child just had nuts for lunch.

halighhalighaliehaligh · 24/05/2016 19:11

Also meant to say that my kids would likely be 'hungry' if they thought someone was going to give them cake regardless of how much they had eaten.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 19:17

I seriously doubt the friend is taking in a lunch of just some nuts or bread and a piece of fruit

My kids have bento style lunch boxes, so if they just opened the top to show their friend they might just see a few carrot sticks or raisins… my kids know that the lower compartments contain lots of other foods (because they help choosing and preparing their lunches) but their friend might not see all of that if my kids didn't bother opening the other sections because there's brownies or whatever on offer instead of their yogurts, hummus, oatcakes etc..

MadisonMontgomery · 24/05/2016 19:26

Yes of course you need to raise it with the school, specifying on which days it seems to be an issue. It may be that there isn't a problem, or it could be something easily remedied like dad not packing things she likes, but it might be something that needs to be addressed - you can't leave a child potentially going hungry for 3 days every week.

jeanne16 · 24/05/2016 19:28

All private schools have a few pupils who are on 100% means tested bursaries. I teach in a small private secondary and we had a pupil who came from a poor and rather dysfunctional family. We used to give the pupil food from lunch to take home after school otherwise she had no food for dinner or breakfast. It was hard to believe!

SirNiallDementia · 24/05/2016 19:29

I would just mention quietly to the teacher that your daughter has told you X is eating her lunch because she does have enough of her own. As it's happening in school, the school will be best placed to establish whether X needs more food in her lunchbox or whether there is some sharing or story-telling going on. The school can then ask X's Dad to send in more food as it's not your job to do this.

It's not a massive deal really.

I'd be quite grateful if my son's school told me I was packing too little/ too much in his lunchbag as I have no idea how much he eats at school and he keeps having ridiculous growth spurts!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2016 20:20

If you really really believe this

Nuts are a great lunch, we don't send nuts to school because there are children at the school with allergies but in the holidays we try to eat more nuts all round

For an 8yo, then you have food issues and need help.

HermioneJeanGranger · 24/05/2016 20:36

OP isn't in the UK, so saying what does/doesn't happen in UK schools is irrelevant. The UK is pretty strict on lunch supervision but in my experience, other countries are far more lax - there isn't likely be lunchtime supervisors or people making sure the kids don't swap lunches.

BusStopBetty · 24/05/2016 20:49

A handful of nuts isn't lunch for anyone other than a squirrel. Don't be so ridiculous, screenshotting.

Do talk to the school. It might be nothing, but just in case please say something.

Wheresthewine36 · 24/05/2016 21:16

I would speak to a member of staff at the school and ask them to check the girls lunch to see if they feel it is adequate. They can then raise the issue with the father if he isn't giving her enough lunch. I would carry on putting a bit extra in your daughter's lunchbox if you can afford to, though because I can't stand the idea of a child going without food.
I would also probably mention it to the mum. I wouldn't mention anything about your daughter sharing her lunch, just that she has told you a few times that her friend hasn't had enough lunch on the days she is with her dad.

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