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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm subsidising DD's friend's lunches.

114 replies

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 09:59

Not daily but 3 days a week.

DD is 8 and attends a small private school (we're not in UK). She has in the past come back from school and said "I shared my cake with X because she was still hungry"

It's not always cake either but sandwiches etc.

Her friend is thin as a rail but seems healthy and happy. On questioning DD I realised that her little friend spends the night at her Dad's on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday, she's not getting enough in her packed lunch on Wed, Thurs and Fri.

Her Dad is friendly and pleasant but lives in quite reduced circumstances (In an old bus basically)

He is allowed to live where he lives...it's on land he rents...he isn't well off obviously but I don't think he's deliberately neglecting his DD...he loves her and she him. He's a hippy type and thin himself.

The friend's Mum is nice too but I don't know her well enough to say anything. I baulk at the idea of mentioning it to DDs teacher as he is friendly with both parents! It's a tiny community.

Should I say something or just carry on putting extra in DDs box?

I should also mention that DD's friend's Mother feeds her well and DD has been there to play and always has a lovely time. They are nice people.

I asked DD what a typical lunch was for her mate and it seems to be things like "An apple and some bread" or once "Some nuts"

OP posts:

silverpenny · 24/05/2016 10:55

If he isn't well off as you put it how can he afford private school?

HermioneJeanGranger · 24/05/2016 10:56

I really would be hesitant to leap in and call neglect. My parents used to give me boring healthy lunches and I used to leave most of it because it just didn't appeal to me when all my friends had chocolate bars, crisps, cake etc. for lunch and I had a marmite sandwich and fruit!

They didn't neglect me, they just didn't want to give me crisps etc. for lunch everyday! I agree with a PP that maybe her dad is feeding her food she doesn't really like that much. If he's a hippy-type and living in an old bus it sounds like he's into healthy eating, which she might be happy to have at home, but most kids would rather have a nutellla sandwich and crisps if that's what their friend has!

HermioneJeanGranger · 24/05/2016 10:57

The mum could be paying the school fees, or he could be spending all his money on fees and therefore not have much left for himself? Or maybe OP is in a country where all schools are "private" even if those fees aren't on the same scale as private schools here.

OP re. my last post, I don't mean to imply you're feeding your DD junk just that what she has in her lunchbox might be more to her friends' taste than what her dad is giving her, iyswim.

Akire · 24/05/2016 10:58

Agree mention it to school, if your daughter falls out with her for any reason she's back on rations!

horizontilting · 24/05/2016 11:04

"Not daily but 3 days a week." Is the bit that jumped out at me from your OP.

As its only the days during the half of the week she's staying with her dad, it seems unlikely to be behavioural.

I think you do need to have a word with the school as she could be going hungry over a 3 day stretch there - financial reasons, her father not having much of an appetite, whatever benign or less benign reason she shouldn't be going hungry and you needn't feel you have to figure it out. Let the school handle it once you let them know she's consistently hungry on, and only on, the days when she's staying at her fathers'.

MardleBum · 24/05/2016 11:07

Yes do speak to the school. Is it possible that the father is under the impression she gets a school lunch and he id just sending her with a breaktime snack?

Either way, if the parents can afford school fees they can afford lunch.

Or perhaps it's that they send super healthy vegan type food that the little girl doesn't enjoy and she'd rather eat your DD's cake and sandwiches?

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 11:08

I do NOT agree with the PP who said make a separate lunch for the other girl! I would hit the roof! especially if I was (as it sounds like) making a conscious effort to make the child healthy food for lunch

I think the OP needs to coach her DD in that it's nice to SHARE but that doesn't mean you have to give people your things or your lunch - that's different! Explain that sharing is for stuff you can take turns with but it doesn't mean giving things away..

I once gave ALL my sweets (and I didn't get sweets often) to another kid because he told me that he likes sweets more than anyone else in the world and I thought he must need them more than me… and I ended up with no sweets!

I also gave away toys.

It's a difficult concept to grasp - sharing and generocity is good… but there's all kinds of complicated social limitations on it.

tiggytape · 24/05/2016 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlowersAndShit · 24/05/2016 11:12

Whatever you do don't tell the teacher to mention it in front of everyone in class like my teacher did when I was 6. I never had anything to eat at break and was always starving and would ask a little girl to give me some of her chocolate. The next day the teacher mentioned it in front of everyone and humiliated me for 'taking other peoples food'. The girls mother was also batshit and banged on the classroom window at me shouting and pointing at me. I was terrified.

Inertia · 24/05/2016 11:16

You need to mention it to the school. In most schools, children are not allowed to share food because of the allergy risk.

TheLittleRedHen · 24/05/2016 11:26

Definitely speak to the school. DS's friends sometimes share their lunch with him which although it is very kind of them to share, it's not their responsibility to feed DS!

Original poster

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 11:30

Thanks all posters. There's no bullying. Re. how come the DD is at a private school but the Dad "cant afford lunch"

The Mother pays the fees.

Re "Nuts and bread is a good lunch" it's not and the two things were never given at the same time.

It COULD be embellishment and that's why I'm not sure about speaking up I suppose.

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 24/05/2016 11:32

What happens in the school holidays?

Are you going to go round and give the other kids her extra sandwiches then?

Original poster

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 11:33

Well I don't know toothbrush.....as I just said, I'm wondering, as some have said, if there's some embellishment going on.

Like one poster said, what if the child is eating part of her lunch on the way? Or if DD is just not noticing what the child actually has available in her bag?

OP posts:

trulybadlydeeply · 24/05/2016 11:33

Lovely as you sound, OP, it really isn't your job to feed other people's children. The father may be struggling, but then the Mum (or whoever pays the school fees) could be helping to ensure she doesn't go hungry.

If the child isn't getting enough food to see her through the day then the school need to be aware and take the appropriate action. if you provide food then no-one is ever going to be aware this is going on, and measures will never be put in place to solve the issue. (Not criticising you, just putting across another perspective).

OTOH, as PP have said, she could just be a very hungry child, or a child who prefers other people's food! Or he could be a father who isn't quite up on what he needs to provide for his DD when she goes to school.

In the worst case scenario, there is potential for neglect in this situation (what happens in the school holidays when she is with him for all of those 3 days, and doesn't have her friend's food to eat?) and I feel the school are in the best position to look into whatever is going on.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 24/05/2016 11:34

IMO nuts are a much better snack/lunch than cake OP.

Yes, speak to the school, but don't put your interpretation on it. It's chear that your interpretation of a healthy lunch is different to other peoples (we try to minimise use of sandwiches and only do them when we're lazy/shor of time personally)

Just hand it over to school that your daughter is missing out on her lunch, it's not up to you to assess through chinese whispers whether it's because the child isn't being fed, or whether its because her best friend has more appealing but less healthy options. Leave it for the school to look into the real reason.

PterodactylToenails · 24/05/2016 11:34

I would speak with her teacher about it. But are you sure she isn't getting enough food? I went on a school trip (as a parent helper) last week and noticed lots of children seemed more interested in what was in their friends lunch boxes rather than their own even though they all had plenty of food!

BoatyMcBoat · 24/05/2016 11:40

Do tell the school. They will tell the parents in the nicest way - I know from experience!

DD's y3 teacher once took me aside and told me that dd was always hungry in the mornings and asking when break time was (when they brought in snacks). I wasn't too surprised as dd often didn't eat breakfast - it was there ready to be eaten, but other than tying her to a chair and force feeding her I didn't see what else I could do. Her teacher came up with a strategy which we implemented between us and dd ate breakfast. No hoohaa, no fuss. I have no idea if there's a record of it anywhere and don't care.

Original poster

VioletBam · 24/05/2016 11:43

Screen we do too but we will provide sushi, pasta or rice instead.

OP posts:

blinkowl · 24/05/2016 12:01

It could be that the friend is getting enough, but that she doesn't like the hippy alternative lunch, isn't eating it and would prefer cake?

Just a thought.

But yes you should do something in case it is as your DD says. The dad may have no idea that his DD is hungry after lunch.

Floggingmolly · 24/05/2016 12:02

Tell the school and let them deal with it. I can't imagine that if the child is genuinely hungry three days a week she hasn't thought to actually mention it to her Dad herself.
So any direct overtures on op's part are likely to be ignored also.

shovetheholly · 24/05/2016 12:14

I think it's lovely of you to pack extra, but this needs to be dealt with by the school for one simple reason: school holidays!

I came from a family with a lot of disordered eating and frequently went hungry in the holidays. Sadly, nothing really got through to my Mum - not even the cunningly brilliant plan of the school to get us all to measure our calorie intake per day, which revealed I was getting far less than I needed. As I grew up, I got thinner and thinner but thankfully there was a lovely dinner lady who noticed and started to give me more food than everyone else one meal a day. So I was OK during the schooltime, but holidays were really hard.

joeythenutter · 24/05/2016 12:16

I wouldn't tell the school or the parent either. I would get my child to say to other child to ask their dad to fill their lunchbox up more. It would sound better coming from one child to another.

I really don't feel it is your place to say anything.

My son (12) was in a similar position were he was paying for a friend's dinner as well as his own out of the money I gave him. The child didn't want to ask his mum for anymore money from his mum. But after telling my son about why he had never enough money to feed himself, my son told him to talk to her. She was not aware he was running out of money mid-week and now everything is fine.

mygrandchildrenrock · 24/05/2016 12:18

We used to live abroad in a country with no welfare state to help. My DD was also about 8 and used to take a huge packed lunch to share with one or two children who just did not bring enough to eat.
School staff knew, but as there was no state help available, what more could the parents do?

tiggytape · 24/05/2016 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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