Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to not want BIL staying here?

118 replies

ijustdontknowanymore · 23/05/2016 20:03

This is my first post and feeling a bit sensitive so please be kind.

This is quite a long story but here goes .... My DH & I are in our late 20s/early 30s. DH has a much younger half brother who is in his early 20s, who moved to the same city as us last last year to go to uni. DH's family live in another country.

BIL has been experiencing some quite serious issues with anxiety and depression, and has been staying with us for the last 6 weeks so that we can try to support him as best as we can. He can become very anxious and has panic attacks which are terrifying to witness, and occasionally has been angry. There's been very little support from the NHS, despite a history of the same illness and the only counselling they can offer is in 12 weeks time and will only be for 6 weeks. He has been seeing his GP regularly but counselling is really the only option.

DH is due to leave next week for a 12 week overseas job in a very dangerous country, which I'm absolutely dreading. BIL has now finished uni for the summer, and I think it would be sensible if he went back to his home country where there is better access to private healthcare and he could be with his family. At the moment he won't commit to any kind of plan for the future, and won't discuss going back to his home country. To be honest I don't think that I can cope with being the only person he has to rely on here when he has a bad turn. I'm working a fairly full on job (which I've had to leave a couple of times to support BIL), and without my husband here it is just too much strain. I grew up in a very volatile family and never knowing what I'm going to come home to is bringing back some fairly painful emotions.

DH and his family are anxious to avoid putting any pressure on BIL as to what he is going to do, which I understand, but AIBU to want them to consider it from my POV?

OP posts:

Original poster

ijustdontknowanymore · 27/05/2016 10:31

Agreed Puppy, I want what is best for BIL and he won't get better by staying here. Going home will give him access to the MH care he needs and the support of his family.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 27/05/2016 13:23

Have tickets been purchased yet for BIL's flight home OP?

I'm concerned that everyone is now nodding and making the right gestures, but kind words butter no parsnips - as they say, or something similar.

Why can the tickets not be booked until next week? If there is a delay can you book them at your end? I'd be worried that this is a bit of a stalling technique and before you know it BIL will be staying for much longer than you anticipated.

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 00:47

Yess puppy but the issue was more because hubby was going away and Op couldn't deal with it all by herself.

where I come from the d-i-l would be branded a traitor or something of that sort for the rest of her life for refusing. but then again if I was the B-I-L's mother or sister, i would think that Op wasn't being a caring s-i-l. Whereas if I was Op's family I would think b-i-l was being unreasonable and needs to get a grip on himself. What you see depends on where you see it from.

I was only saying that because I have seen too often that seeing one's partner go out of their way (obviously within reason) for one's family makes one love and respect the partner more. Makes the couple stronger.

Blood relations are strong. If my DH refused for my brother to stay I would remember it forever, after all he is my brother and is in need. a friend of mine does so much for her in-laws and her Dh appreciated it a lot. In turn, When her parents were visiting, he went out of their way for them and was the best sn-in-law they could have.

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 00:55

here he is away from the girl and her place that will remind him of her. but lacks counselling and care and will also be on his own.

back home he has family support, healthcare but he is in the same city as her.

I guess it would have been best if while being here he had tried to get over it by making more friends going out and really allowing himself to forget her. If he stays indoors and thinks about her all the time, it makes little difference if he is here or back home. So in that case, you are right OP.

PuppyMonkeyBaby · 29/05/2016 04:58

Pritti, I think you are completely missing the point that the BiL is suffering from mental health issues which can't just be "overcome".

You do know that a person suffering from mental illness won't get better by being told to pull their socks up, don't you?

Janecc · 29/05/2016 05:20

Puppy I think Pritti does get it. She's from a different culture - maybe Indian heritage where honouring your family is very important. I understand where she's saying from on her map of the world. The bil does though need to go home where he belongs to a family that loves him and to get specialist care. Op cannot provide any of these things and is also at work all day. With his brother gone, he may get even worse without this brotherly influence. I would not have had him stay because of the risks. Imagine if he committed suicide or strangled her when in a heightened state. Once he's had the help he needs, the fact that he's in the same town as her will more and more become an irrelevance.

PuppyMonkeyBaby · 29/05/2016 05:42

I guess that too, Janecc, and I understand that part of what she's saying. However, that's not what I'm talking about.

A few times Pritti has suggested that BiL getting out and about, or being told to behave himself will sort out his mental health issues

Janecc · 29/05/2016 05:49

Yes Puppy I read those comments too. I just thought from her last post she understood the issue a bit more. Anyway we are all here to learn and help (I think) - well I am. I do hope op gets it sorted ok.

FishWithABicycle · 29/05/2016 08:14

Until tickets are booked both for BIL and for someone to accompany him (?MIL?) then they aren't serious about the plan and are hoping that once your DH is away you won't have the courage to assert yourself any more.

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 16:26

Yes Janecc and puppy you are right, some of the things I didn't think about like the risks of suicide or strangling. So i take back some of my words.

But Janecc is right in some things. In my culture depression is not really recognised as a problem. We are told to just toughen up an get on with it. If there are hardships in life, we are told it must be the result of some past karma or your destiny, its what you do about it now that matters, you can change everything with the right action. I guess the underlying message in these schools of thought is "Accept the existence of the problem, let go what you can't change, change what you can, in any case don't stop moving forward" .

I go through phases when I am down and when I tell my brother and my best friend in India what is bothering me, I get no comforting words, i get a bashing instead. "grow up, you are worrying about silly things, where are your priorities? ......."

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 16:47

Its happened to people I know that being in the same environment/ around same people/ same city where a certain trauma was caused keeps reminding them of it. Going away doesn't lead to immediate recovery but the benefit is that the constant reminder of the trauma doesn't keep making the wounds fresh. Its not uncommon to lose touch with people that we were friends with in our worst times(I mean really bad times). and only reason i said he should stay is because I thought he didn't want to go back home.

PuppyMonkeyBaby · 29/05/2016 16:56

I appreciate you clarifying your thoughts. I hope that when you have problems you also have someone to turn to who can help you rather than berate you?

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 17:22

:) thank you, so sweet!

But i have to say, I can be childish and i need that battering to help me snap out. I do magnify my problems.

Original poster

ijustdontknowanymore · 29/05/2016 18:15

Hi Pritti

Thanks for clarifying your point of view a little more, I understand where you're coming from a bit better. I too hope that you have support and a sympathetic ear when you need it - talking through our issues with someone else often helps us to find our own resolutions, and pretending they don't exist can create long term issues.

I agree with you that being in a place where you have memories with an ex partner can make it more difficult to move on. However, in BIL's case, his MH issues pre-date the breakup by several years, but the breakup exacerbated his symptoms and acted as the catalyst to a near total breakdown. It's not a case of me minding him living here in general (I like him very much and would support him any way I can), but given his current health it's simply not what is best for him. He didn't want to go back, but he realises now that it will enable him to get better.

OP posts:

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 19:27

omg, i am so sorry to hear that. I didn't understand the problem well enough. I am really sorry everyone, i think I understand i must have come across very insensitive.

I had a similar experience many years ago when the trauma shattered me to pieces and i couldn't bear to be in the same place and bump into people who were involved, or ones who knew what was going on. The longer i was there the worse I got. I had to move away. Fortunately for me my family was not in the same town, I moved back with them. It took me a long time to get over it, I cried alone for months. I am not intouch with any of the people I knew back then. i tried to speak to them afterwards but can't explain, its hard to speak to them without feeling how i felt back then. Those days, I was shopping too much, probably trying to fill the void with clothes shoes and bags. After returning home, I didn't shop for 5 years. Till today i dislike shopping, can't be in a shop for too long. look at a few things and start getting anxious. I don't even like to shop at the same supermarket that i used to shop at back then.

Another friend moved away from home with her partner. Things started going terribly wrong and because she was in that environment she tried to kill herself because everywhere she went to local pubs or wherever they had common friends and reminded her of what had gone wrong. When they broke up, my friend had to move back because she couldn't cope with living there. Only after she moved away did she start healing. And this is the friend who i was close to but she lost touch with me because I was there for her during that time, I knew what was going on. And part of trying to cut that part out of her life, i guess she had to cut me out to. because i have been through it myself, i understand her decision.

Pritti7 · 29/05/2016 19:32

So my advice was also from these experiences. I thought he is in that state because of the break up. I really hope he gets better and finds happiness.

clam · 30/05/2016 11:42

Pritti, you sound a sweetheart!

You don't need to apologise for your earlier posts on there. A different perspective is always useful.

clam · 08/06/2016 21:36

How's it all going? Has he gone home yet?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5