This is my first post and feeling a bit sensitive so please be kind.
This is quite a long story but here goes .... My DH & I are in our late 20s/early 30s. DH has a much younger half brother who is in his early 20s, who moved to the same city as us last last year to go to uni. DH's family live in another country.
BIL has been experiencing some quite serious issues with anxiety and depression, and has been staying with us for the last 6 weeks so that we can try to support him as best as we can. He can become very anxious and has panic attacks which are terrifying to witness, and occasionally has been angry. There's been very little support from the NHS, despite a history of the same illness and the only counselling they can offer is in 12 weeks time and will only be for 6 weeks. He has been seeing his GP regularly but counselling is really the only option.
DH is due to leave next week for a 12 week overseas job in a very dangerous country, which I'm absolutely dreading. BIL has now finished uni for the summer, and I think it would be sensible if he went back to his home country where there is better access to private healthcare and he could be with his family. At the moment he won't commit to any kind of plan for the future, and won't discuss going back to his home country. To be honest I don't think that I can cope with being the only person he has to rely on here when he has a bad turn. I'm working a fairly full on job (which I've had to leave a couple of times to support BIL), and without my husband here it is just too much strain. I grew up in a very volatile family and never knowing what I'm going to come home to is bringing back some fairly painful emotions.
DH and his family are anxious to avoid putting any pressure on BIL as to what he is going to do, which I understand, but AIBU to want them to consider it from my POV?
AIBU?
AIBU to not want BIL staying here?
ijustdontknowanymore · 23/05/2016 20:03
I can see that other posters are getting cross on your behalf. I think this is more of a really sad situation. I believe your husband is desperately out of his depth. I don't think he sees it in terms of not being able to force bil but willing to force you. Stand firm. You are doing really well. This doesn't have to mean any end to your relationship or a bad future. Once bil has gone and the two of you have some space, things will likely settle. The twelve week break will probably do you both a lot of good. 
ijust can your dh not see that you are unable to give his brother the care and support he needs which will have a seriously negative impact on him?
Can your dh not understand that you did not sign up to be your BIL's carer, you are not qualified for this role and it was foisted on you without any consideration for your own mental well being?
As another pp said does your dh seriously think that you should be doing for your BIL what he did last night, every single night for the next 12 weeks? What about you, your life and your work?
Does your dh want to be called back from his 12 week placement to find both his wife and his brother in a debilitating mental state? Which one of you will he prioritise then?
Don't feel guilty none of this is of your making.
Your dh needs to have a long hard think as to what his priorities are.
Your MIL needs to do more than just speak to BIL, she needs to make arrangements to come and collect him and take him back with her or to move into BIL's own accommodation with him until alternative arrangements can be made.
Please do not just wait to see what happens and be fobbed off with excuses such as "we can't come over right now, if you could just look after him for a couple of weeks we'll sort it out" because they won't sort it, they will just let it drag on and leave you to it. Please, please make sure that your BIL is either back with his parents or one of them is with him in his own place before your dh leaves next week.
Your relationship with your dh has inevitably taken a knock because of this, perhaps the 12 weeks away will give you both time to consider what's happened and you can talk about it and decide where you go from here once he is back.
I'll repeat again just so you don't forget - this is not your fault, this is not of your making, you have nothing to feel guilty about.
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For your marriage: Time will heal. You both have 12 weeks of absence and making sense of the situation.
You did a wonderful thing today not just for yourself and your marriage but also for your bil. You should not be feeling guilty. You are the only one brave enough to admit that he cannot get better either with you or with your dh. They have been tiptoeing around him when in fact someone needs to take charge. The ill and unstable part of your bil will tell you that you have done an awful thing. When he is well, things will be different. Whatever happens now, you have done your best. You are a strong woman.
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