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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want BIL staying here?

118 replies

ijustdontknowanymore · 23/05/2016 20:03

This is my first post and feeling a bit sensitive so please be kind.

This is quite a long story but here goes .... My DH & I are in our late 20s/early 30s. DH has a much younger half brother who is in his early 20s, who moved to the same city as us last last year to go to uni. DH's family live in another country.

BIL has been experiencing some quite serious issues with anxiety and depression, and has been staying with us for the last 6 weeks so that we can try to support him as best as we can. He can become very anxious and has panic attacks which are terrifying to witness, and occasionally has been angry. There's been very little support from the NHS, despite a history of the same illness and the only counselling they can offer is in 12 weeks time and will only be for 6 weeks. He has been seeing his GP regularly but counselling is really the only option.

DH is due to leave next week for a 12 week overseas job in a very dangerous country, which I'm absolutely dreading. BIL has now finished uni for the summer, and I think it would be sensible if he went back to his home country where there is better access to private healthcare and he could be with his family. At the moment he won't commit to any kind of plan for the future, and won't discuss going back to his home country. To be honest I don't think that I can cope with being the only person he has to rely on here when he has a bad turn. I'm working a fairly full on job (which I've had to leave a couple of times to support BIL), and without my husband here it is just too much strain. I grew up in a very volatile family and never knowing what I'm going to come home to is bringing back some fairly painful emotions.

DH and his family are anxious to avoid putting any pressure on BIL as to what he is going to do, which I understand, but AIBU to want them to consider it from my POV?

OP posts:

TheVillageTaxpayer · 25/05/2016 14:09

I would do some serious thinking and perhaps even get some counseling in the three months your husband is overseas.

yes, he is confused and stressed - but it's worrisome that his default mode is to put your needs LAST instead of FIRST. I am sure many, many posters here on Mumsnet can tell you how hellish life can be with a husband who is incapable from detaching from his family of origin, especially if they are of a culture where men's needs always prevail.

You need to keep in mind that his actions speak louder than his words and even if he is apologetic after the incidents, the fact remains that if you had not strenuously and repeated objected, you would have been stuck as the sole carer to a young, volatile, potentially self-harming (or lashing out, other-harming) mentally ill man for three solid months. And your "D" h was OK with that until you told him that you wouldn't do it, and he even tried to talk you into it. Lest his brother feel "rejected" which is silly. His brother is NOT of your household; he can't be rejected from someplace he doesn't belong in the first place.

And frankly brother needs heavy-duty mental health intervention if he is this histrionic months after a youthful romantic break-up, and if he is so incredibly narcissistic that he is willing to let the lives of his hardworking, newlywed brother and SIL revolve around him to this extent.

I would be packing my bags if my partner were willing to sacrifice my emotional health, physical health and physical safety to this extent, to avoid rocking his family's boat.

amidawish · 25/05/2016 14:19

if your dh cares / feels this responsible for him then he shouldn't be going off on an international job for 12 weeks. you're in a really terrible situation OP. my first mn

AHellOfABird · 25/05/2016 14:22

"if your dh cares / feels this responsible for him then he shouldn't be going off on an international job for 12 weeks. you're in a really terrible situation OP"

This is a fair point. He considers the situation desperate enough for your work and life to be disrupted but not to seek compassionate leave or whatever for himself.

Of course that might be hard to get but he does need to see that's what he is effectively asking of you.

mamas12 · 25/05/2016 14:58

I know it feels awful at the moment but you are doing the right thing
You are right the staus quo is not working
For you bil
For you
For your dh
Mil etc etc
By making a stand the outcome can only be positive because your bil will receive the help he desperately needs and you and your dh will have a marriage back.
Stick to your guns and don't go back
, stay where you are, get social services, doctors university everyone absolutely everyone involved
The family all sound paralysed into non action. So maybe instead of waiting to see what bil says after his mother calls, start phoning the doctors, university etc yourself and get a plan together with professionals
You, nor your dh are qualified to do this

Original poster

ijustdontknowanymore · 25/05/2016 16:30

Thanks everyone. It's made much more difficult by DH going away, but in the long run it may be better because at least it's forced the issue. DH not going really isn't an option, as financially we're in way over our heads with the house so desperately need the money.

I'm not sure if I can do anything personally ref contacting counsellors etc on BIL behalf because I'm not next of kin but it could be worth trying. Feel exhausted, emotional and like a terrible person right now, but I know that I have done the right thing by standing up for myself.

OP posts:

TheVillageTaxpayer · 25/05/2016 16:33

I meant, counseling for yourself. To help you identify and deal with some of the red flags in your own relationship that this situation has highlighted.

mamas12 · 25/05/2016 16:36

You have most definitely done the right thing
There will never be a right time for this to happen for your bil or the rest of the family but is is the right time for you so do it
Please do ring around because even if you don't get the right person they could find out who the right person is and contact the them as it is a crisis situation
I can't imagine coping with him alone.

Original poster

ijustdontknowanymore · 25/05/2016 16:48

Village - yes sorry I was responding to other posters, but counselling for myself could be a very good idea, as getting to the point we have (screaming/shouting/me having to move out) before DH will listen to me is obviously pretty unhealthy, and not something that can happen again.

When the crisis first happened we were given some helplines for BIL but he refuses to contact them. I think there are some good support services for those supporting people with MH issues so I will look into that too.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 25/05/2016 17:49

Where do his parents live? How far away, I mean.

Lilacpink40 · 25/05/2016 19:48

Maybe very brief message repeated until answered will get through to DH..."I can't help with BIL, where shall we help him move to?"
Good luck!

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 25/05/2016 21:57

Another point to make to DH is that this situation IS NOT HELPING BIL. It's preventing him from seeking the medical help he needs - effectively DH and MIL are keeping BIL trapped in limbo. It's also deeply unfair of them (although without them meeting to be) to expect a man as ill as your brother clearly is to be able to make complex life-changing decisions about how best to get well. They wouldn't expect a man with a broken leg to walk to the GP for help - they shouldn't expect a man with this sort of mental health issue to make the proactive decision of which sort of medical care to seek. Not that they should force medical care on him, but they need to be helping him to get it, not passively saying they can't do anything

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 25/05/2016 21:58

meaning to be, not meeting!

TheMaddHugger · 26/05/2016 02:24

ijustdontknowanymore

Super soft ((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
I am probably reading too much into this [because of my own life experiences] Are you sure You weren't marked to be his carer, not told, just expected. because it's expected of DH and therefore YOU.

I agree, counselling for you will help.And hopefully give you a way to vocalise these issues in a way that wont feel bad to You.

TheMaddHugger · 26/05/2016 02:27

WhoseBadgerIsThis

It's not unusual to find situations like this. I know a few families with Disabled children that coddle the child and ultimately expect the sibling to take over the care of Said Child/sibling

I don't know why, I just know it is that why.

If someone can explain it to me, TIA :)

Letseatgrandma · 26/05/2016 07:07

If that was my son who was ill, I can't imagine expecting my other son's wife to be caring for him?! I'd feel that was for me to try to organise?!

Where is the home country of your DH? Has he moved away or has his parents? Are their cultural expectations for extended families to be heavily involved where DH is from?

Dowser · 26/05/2016 09:52

Have we an update today.
Seems like a lot of people are concerned for you op.

Original poster

ijustdontknowanymore · 26/05/2016 11:04

Hi everyone

Thanks for your comments. In answer to some of your qs, DHs family don't live far, only around a 40 min flight. There aren't any cultural issues at work here either. I think the situation has arisen almost by default because we live in the same city, rather than intentionally passing the situation on. MIL & DH agree that it's best for BIL to go back (and have all along) , but until yesterday just wouldn't push the issue. DH finally seemed to realise yesterday how serious I was, and MIL has now told BIL that he can't stay here and needs to go home. There aren't any flights booked yet but it will hopefully be next week. I hope I haven't made them seem to be bad people - MIL is a really great person and I'm immensely fond of her - just in a hard position and struggling to know what's right and what will help her DS. I feel so relieved! X

OP posts:

AHellOfABird · 26/05/2016 11:12

Oh that's good!

TheMaddHugger · 26/05/2016 13:58

Good Outcome. Please check in to tell us he is on his way home :)

And (((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

Janecc · 26/05/2016 14:29

Fantastic outcome op!!

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 26/05/2016 18:41

Excellent news!

leelu66 · 26/05/2016 18:43

Great news! I hope you get some time alone with your DP before his posting.

Dowser · 26/05/2016 22:11

Hope he gets the help he needs.

Pritti7 · 27/05/2016 03:19

have you spoken to dh? i think you should not make bil go back. Especially if he is trying to avoid going back home for a girl. If something goes wrong, dh will hold it against you for the rest of your life. And it does not look nice, come on, I am only saying this because of his state.

But you are well within your rights to draw a line and dmand that your life and emotiions not be affected. A middle way would be the best, if possible, where he could stay at yours but be considerate about your needs and cause no inconvenience to you. He has to appreciate the compromises you guys are making for him. Perhaps, he could go for a short break with uni friends or alone even to a different city.

PuppyMonkeyBaby · 27/05/2016 03:26

But Pritti, surely thats the point - he CAN'T be considerate about OP's needs and cause her no inconvenience. Metal health issues can't be solved by telling someone to buck their ideas up. If it was that simple, don't you think they would have told him to 'behave himself and not be a nuisance" long before now?

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