AIBU to not want BIL staying here?

[ijustdontknowanymore]

This is my first post and feeling a bit sensitive so please be kind.

This is quite a long story but here goes .... My DH & I are in our late 20s/early 30s. DH has a much younger half brother who is in his early 20s, who moved to the same city as us last last year to go to uni. DH's family live in another country.

BIL has been experiencing some quite serious issues with anxiety and depression, and has been staying with us for the last 6 weeks so that we can try to support him as best as we can. He can become very anxious and has panic attacks which are terrifying to witness, and occasionally has been angry. There's been very little support from the NHS, despite a history of the same illness and the only counselling they can offer is in 12 weeks time and will only be for 6 weeks. He has been seeing his GP regularly but counselling is really the only option.

DH is due to leave next week for a 12 week overseas job in a very dangerous country, which I'm absolutely dreading. BIL has now finished uni for the summer, and I think it would be sensible if he went back to his home country where there is better access to private healthcare and he could be with his family. At the moment he won't commit to any kind of plan for the future, and won't discuss going back to his home country. To be honest I don't think that I can cope with being the only person he has to rely on here when he has a bad turn. I'm working a fairly full on job (which I've had to leave a couple of times to support BIL), and without my husband here it is just too much strain. I grew up in a very volatile family and never knowing what I'm going to come home to is bringing back some fairly painful emotions.

DH and his family are anxious to avoid putting any pressure on BIL as to what he is going to do, which I understand, but AIBU to want them to consider it from my POV?

[fatmomma99]

Agree with all PPs. Wonder if you can go and stay with your folks while your DD is away? (are you able to work from any home, or do you need to be in yours).

Then he'd have to leave your home, because there's no support for him.

Good luck, and agree with everyone - you don't sound mean.

[AHellOfABird]

Also agree - you cannot be solely responsible, you've already left earky two days in six weeks and assume your DH was disrupted too. Now it's you and BIL for 12 weeks?

Would it be bearable for MIL to also come and stay or not enough space (both physical and emotional!)?

[clam]

Your dh doesn't want to upset BIL, but he doesn't seem to mind upsetting you?

[eddielizzard]

you can't deal with stress of your job, stress of your dh's job, and stress of bil. i'm sure this must have occurred to them? quite right they're going to have to find another way to help bil. it absolutely should not be down to you.

clearly no-one knows what to do, and are just hoping you'll look after him as that's best for everyone else. well it's not what's best for you and he just isn't your responsibility if you don't want that responsibility.

[BeckyMcDonald]

Jeez. If they want you to effectively become BIL's cared, it would have been nice if they asked.

There's just no way I'd take on that responsibility. No way. It's not fair on you. If your OH aid so worried then he need to cancel his trip. He can't just expect you to take control of the fate of another adult who is not even related to you.

[BeckyMcDonald]

carer

[AyeAmarok]

Your dh doesn't want to upset BIL, but he doesn't seem to mind upsetting you?

THIS!

[ijustdontknowanymore]

God now I'm seething! Tried to discuss with DH how the situation is making me feel and he has basically told me to stop ruining the last few days we have together by moaning?! He says that he is finding it stressful too and he's doing his best (he got pretty emotional at this point). The family have been looking for private counsellors today and BIL is 'considering' going back to home country.

Tbh I totally lost my temper - I said they've had six weeks to try to find help and have made little progress (understand it's difficult for all involved). I asked that BIL go and stay somewhere else for the next few days because I want some time with DH before he goes to the foreign job. He says he will talk to him about it later, but can't make any promises, and at the moment BIL can't be left alone for long periods so it's down to us. MIL just doesn't want to do anything to upset BIL. She is quite old and I worry about the effect the stress has on her, but at the same time I feel like everyone is walking on eggshells and I'm left feeling on edge and anxious in my home because I never have any idea what I'm going to have to deal with!

Add to this that we had just moved into a new house when this first happened- it needs a total renovation and we'd got as far as ripping the upstairs apart when he moved in. Now we can't progress with any of the work because on top of everything else it's just too much stress and logistically difficult, so I'm living in a building site.

If my DH wasn't going away to such a dangerous country I would seriously consider staying somewhere else for the next few days, because it doesn't seem like anything else is going to make it sink in how unhappy and stressed I am.

[AHellOfABird]

Poor you.

Can you plan to stay with a friend/ relative in the days shortly after he leaves, if you have one in commuting distance?

[AHellOfABird]

He's being very self centred ad the worry about this will ruin your last few,days with him.

[Janecc]

You may well worry about the stress on your mil. But you cannot take the stress on you. You are not in a position to take care of him.

[Janecc]

If bil won't move out, I would consider doing so myself as this may force one of them to react.

[Lilacpink40]

YANBU. Why would your DH even think this would be fair to you?
Are you an expert in mental health issues? Doesn't sound like you've been keen so far so wonder why he ever assumed this could be ok. Hope your DH supports you now.

[ijustdontknowanymore]

I think I may well do. I've just read back through these messages and realised what a drip I've been. When BIL first hit crisis point he came to stay with us (as is only right for us to be there for him) - MIL came to stay for two weeks. Luckily I get on with her well but at this point we had no bathroom and the bedrooms were being replastered, so it was pretty uncomfortable. Somehow during that time it was decided (without anyone asking me) that BIL would stay for the foreseeable future. I came home to find the spare room furnished! So here I am a month later, house in chaos, husband leaving and being expected to just put up with it! I've realised that I am most definitely NBU.

[PoppieD]

This is just ridiculous- bad enough DHs family loading down the guilt on him, but for them all to merrily do it to you, and you're then the u reasons one for questioning it?!

[AHellOfABird]

DH also seems to be missing the point that this HAS to be resolved now BECAUSE he is away for 12 weeks and it can't be put off. It's not a discussion about whether you can afford a new car or something; what does he expect you to do if he doesn't sort it out before he goes? It's 3 months of your life.

[Janecc]

. I'm sure they didn't think your role through and intentionally lumber you with him. But what a lack of respect.

[coconutpie]

YANBU. BIL goes by the end of the week, that is final. It's laughable how your "DH" starts giving out to you about it when he's not the one who will be dealing with BIL for the next 3 months.

[TheVillageTaxpayer]

Came home to find the spare room furnished!???

No, just, no. You did not sign up for this and your husband is being a wimp not to address it. No doubt it is stressful for him but as others have pointed out, he certainly doesn't mind seeing you upset in his zeal to spare brother and mother and everyone else.

I would be packing up and moving out in your shoes, and reassessing the state of my marriage. Furnished the spare room without consulting you??? It beggars belief.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He says he will talk to him about it later, but can't make any promises, and at the moment BIL can't be left alone for long periods so it's down to us."
Except it's not own to us because he'll be leaving it behind, nd then it will be up to you. Not fair. Not fair at all, DH. Not fair on your wife and not fair on your brother.

[clam]

So, basically, he wants you to STFU until he goes at the weekend and then he can leave you to it. Make sure you don't stress him out once he's away either, by complaining over the phone about things.

This is completely unacceptable. Are there some cultural expectations going on here, that may make the situation more the norm in their eyes?

[FlopIsMyParentingGuru]

I'm afraid that I would be making it perfectly clear that I would be spending the duration at a friends or a local hotel.

[hanban89]

YANBU. The conversation with your husband is definitely the right one, and I hope it goes well.

It might be good for BIL to be back with his family for a few months, as he will have a support network. He won't have that with you as you are working.

And surely your husband can see it's not fair to leave you at home with BIL while he is struggling with these outbursts.
Good luck.

[Fishface77]

Op you need to protect your own mental health and sanity. By default you have become BILs carer and that is unfair. Perhaps a round robin email to the key members of the family saying you feel he is not improving and he needs to be with family and who will come and fetch him may work.
Advise that you will not always be there and if something happens you cannot be responsible.
How would that go down?

[ijustdontknowanymore]

So DH just came to bed after another entire night trying to calm BIL down. I asked him what they had spoken about, and he said that BIL is 'coming round' to the idea of going back to his home country. I asked when he would be leaving, to which DH said he couldn't make him leave. I then said that in that case MIL would need to come and get him, because I can't cope anymore. DH told me I'm putting pressure on him in an already immensely difficult situation, he can't make BIL do anything he doesn't want to and effectively I'm making it worse. I said that in that case I would go and stay elsewhere from tomorrow, and asked him to go and sleep in the other bedroom for tonight which he's done. I really can't believe this is happening?! We've only been married a year and I can't help feeling like this bodes really badly for the future